I Told You So
by ImaginaryHeart
Summary: Bella and Jacob fell in love after developing their friendship. But, just a few years later, Bella leaves without looking back leaving Jacob stricken and broken. 2 years 4 months and 5 days later, she walks back into his life. This is their story.
1. Prologue

It had been 2 years, 4 months, and 3 days since I had gone home. Forks was a haunting place. So many memories left standing – waiting, hoping – for my return. Memories of Edward's last words in the forest brought back a faint pain – a pain that I had long forgotten. I was getting closer to his goal.

"_It will be as if I never existed." _

Well, Edward, it has been 3 years and some odd days since you uttered those God forsaken words, and it's just now to the point where I'm hoping you never really did exist. I was finally to the point where his hurtful words angered me. They no longer haunted me. They no longer threatened my being. I would never forget those utterly obtrusive words, but I could forget the pain they brought behind them.

The pain I had felt in the beginning was masked by Jacob. Now, there was no one else to shelter the pain with. I simply had to do it myself.

_Jacob._ I sighed.

We had made a great team. He was perfect for me – loyal, trustworthy, protective. Jake was my best friend. I knew he loved me. I loved him _as a friend – _or at least that's what I told myself. I wasn't in the shape or right state of mind to give Jake what he deserved. He deserved someone who was at least there in body _and_ mind. And _in the beginning_ I wasn't.

About a year after Edward's gut wrenching words were spoken and Jake was still around as persistent as ever, I realized that maybe my feelings for him delved a little deeper. Maybe this was how it was supposed to be - Bella and Jake together and happy in Forks – _forever_. And it was that way for a while. We started dating not too long before I graduated high school. Jake was of course smug and elated, and I was no more than thrilled to not have that gaping hole in my chest.

Honestly, I really never thought I would fall in love with Jake, but it was easier than I thought. I remember the night I realized I was already in love with the most beautiful person I'd ever seen. We were at First Beach on our driftwood bench just sitting there listening to the waves crash to shore. Jakes arm protectively draped around my shoulders at the same time keeping the cool brisk wind from freezing me to the core. Jake had told me he loved me before, but never in this setting. And never did he say it the way he did that night.

"_Are you cold?" He kindly asked tightening his grip on me._

"_As if I could be cold around you Jake? I think not." I smirked."You're like my own personal space heater."_

"_Just making sure," he fidgeted in his seat._

_I raised my eyebrow at him and cocked my head to the side."Uncomfortable?"_

_Jacob merely gave me a mocked half laugh and fidgeted again. "No, Bella, I'm fine. Just a bit nervous I guess."_

_ If there was one thing I knew about Jacob Black, it was that he was never nervous around me especially now that we were a… __**couple**__. He trusted me with his secret. I trusted him with my life though I had vowed to never do so in my life __**ever**__ again after Edward. But, this was Jacob. It only seemed natural._

"_Nervous," I questioned in a shocked tone._

"_Yeah," he whispered._

"_Jake, why are you nervous? It's just me and you, Jacob and Bella. This is how it's supposed to be remember?" I tried to remind him of the obvious, but I had to admit that, now, he was making me a bit nervous about him being nervous. I frowned and he seemed to notice right away._

"_Bells," he swallowed hard and smirked. "It's nothing bad, okay? No frowning."_

_ I simply nodded not really believing him. Why should I? It hadn't been that long since Edward had uttered those stupid filthy words to me after promising me that I was his only reason to live – as if vampires had souls. Obviously, if he did have one, it had been vanquished away __**that**__ night with the way he left me in the woods, alone, at night. I cringed and a shiver went down my spine at the thought._

_ Jake pulled me tighter to his chest and I laid my cheek against it. He rested his chin on the top of my head. His lips faintly left a kiss on my hair sending a warm feeling running through my veins._

_ "Wanna walk," he questioned after noticing my shivering had stopped. I didn't let on that it had only been because I thought of that heartbreaking ass. So, I amused him…just a little._

_ "Yeah. I'm warm now. Thanks." I planted a tender kiss on his cheek. Jake's jaw clenched as my lips left his cheek. His palm caught my cheek before my face was too far from his. I glanced up into the liquid abyss I'd gotten lost in so many times over the past few weeks. He flexed his jaw once more, and lifted his gaze to mine. This time was no different than any other, and I was soon lost in the intensity of his warm and beautiful stare. It was as though he was reading my soul through the little brown seas of my eyes. I breathed out slowly._

_ His thumb gently traced circles on my cheek. A smile crept across his beautiful full lips almost waning me from my stare, but I didn't budge. I was utterly lost in the being sitting next to me. A smile spread across my lips just as his disappeared. His face transformed into a serious version of my Jacob. That's when I knew he __**had**__ me._

_ And just as the feeling spread into the vacant hole where my heart used to be, he lowered his head bringing his lips eerily close to mine. My eyes fluttered shut on their own accord waiting in anticipation for the taste of him to take my breath away. After a few moments without as much as a gentle graze of his lips, I slowly opened my eyes. He didn't smile. He didn't move. All he did was stare into my eyes – reaching deep inside of me and dragging out the soul I thought I had given away. _

_ His lips tenderly grazed mine, and left a small hint of a kiss on them. A shock of warmth ran throughout my body exciting it to the max. Who knew that Jacob Black to do this to me without so much as a simple graze of his lips. I noticed him clenching his jaw together again, before he spoke as softly as the wind._

_ "Bella." My name came out like a breathless moan._

_ "Jake." I almost whimpered trying to will him to say those words I don't think I've ever wanted to hear someone say those words so bad. It wasn't so much as a want, but suddenly, it became a need.I needed to hear those three little words._

_ "Koo cloak lay," he whispered ever so gently. _

_ What did that even mean? I asked myself. My eyebrows furrowed a little._

_ "Stay with me forever," his deep voice breathed. _

_ I could almost see the words materialize in the air as they left his lips and floated into me. In that moment, I knew I was Jacob Black's forever. I felt myself drifting into him – a pull that was beyond my control. From this day on, I would never look back. I could love only him. And, before I could breathe again, I heard him whisper the sweetest sound into my lips._

_ "I am in love with you, Bella Swan. So, in love with you." His lips crashed into mine with a fierceness and demand. I couldn't hold back. I couldn't think with the hazy feeling coming over me. There was no outside thought. There was only Bella and Jacob. _

_His lips pulled slowly away from mine, but still lingered a breath away. I wanted him to kiss me again. I wanted to feel him fill every part of me. I needed Jacob now more than I ever needed him before, and that scared me. _

_My heart pounded in my chest, and I swallowed thickly. His large hands rested on both sides of my neck. A smirk slid across his full lips. I was sure he could feel my heart pounding through my neck or at least see it through my chest. I think, it was then that Jacob knew I was head over heels in love with him, but I couldn't just let him say that to me without me saying something back._

_I chewed the corner of my lip, and became unattractively nervous. My knee began to shake on its own. I twisted my fingers together, and I'm pretty sure I twitched just a little. Jake pressed his lips to mine again softly leaving small tender kisses all over them as he tried to kiss away the nervous feeling coming between us. I tried to breathe, but it was catching in my throat. Jacob began tracing a line up and down the front of my throat with his thumbs as if coaxing the air to my lungs. That small sentiment, that small knowing he had, had me jumping right off of the edge. The words poured out of my mouth effortlessly._

"_I love you, Jacob." I whimpered softly trying to remember to breathe. "I am in love with you Jake."_

_For the first time, my lips devoured his furiously and feverishly leading us into a deeper state of want. I nipped at his bottom lip with my teeth and sucked it between my lips lightly. A soft growl settled in his chest. Jacob's large hands trailed their way quickly to my hips. He grasped them tightly and yanked me onto his lap. He knew he wouldn't hurt me –I loved that feeling. My legs locked around his hips, and I pulled myself as close to him as I could get without taking my clothes off._

_Jacob's lips fought for control over my own, but I wasn't willing to give up that easily. His tongue trailed my bottom lip before I let my own tongue loose. I licked at his tongue and drew it between my lips where I began to suck softly. A loud growling moan parted his lips and he pressed his hips into mine. He was losing this battle, and he knew it. _

"_Jake," I moaned softly at the feel of his excitement between my legs._

_Jacob smiled feverishly at me. He bucked his hips softly as his fingers trailed slowly under the hem of my shirt. He tenderly left a small trail of kisses on my neck. His lips stopping at my jaw to nip and bite before he kissed my lips ever so softly. His fingers grazed the edge of my bra causing a low moan to escape my lips. I needed him now. I wanted him now._

_Then, he kissed me tenderly on the cheek and smiled with a hint of blush on his cheeks. Did I do something wrong? I mean, Edward and I hadn't exactly gone this far before, but Jake and I had. _

"_Not here," he whispered sweetly into my ear and planted a small kiss on my ear lobe. "As much as I want you," he pressed his hips against mine again. I gasped for air. "Just not here. Not like this."_

That night was the night that I fell in love with Jacob Black. Soon, he became a part of my everyday life. We were the same Jacob and Bella just a litte more close with quite a few more kisses. We saw each other nearly every day. When he wasn't visiting me at Charlie's, then I was visiting him at Billy's. If by some small chance neither of us could get away from whatever was going on to see the other, we would talk on the phone for hours.

But, most of the time, we spent in his garage. I watched him fix whatever he had at the time, but mostly he worked on the Rabbit. He only let me help once he had thoroughly explained to me what it was I needed to do. Usually I didn't like to help him, but there were times when I didn't want to leave, and I knew helping Jake fix whatever it was would give me more time with him. I almost felt guilty for spending so much time with him. He always seemed so tired. Between me, the pack, school, and Billy, he wasn't getting much sleep. So, whenever I could bare to not see him for a day or so, I'd call and spout out as many "I love you's" as I could in a half hour and let him get rest.

Jake usually didn't seem to mind being spread so thin, but he wouldn't have said so if it did bother him. He'd rather lose time with the pack or not finish his homework, then to miss any time he got with me. On the days, I would demand he need sleep, we would argue. The arguments usually got pretty heated what with his werewolf temper and my stubbornness. One of us would hang up on the only to call back a few hours later once settled down. He'd usually apologize even if I was being stubborn, and then get off of the phone for some much needed rest.

I'm not too sure what his problem was with me trying to give him time to sleep, but I had a pretty good idea. He was worried Edward would appear back in my life. He still feared my leaving him for Edward. I didn't blame him, because at the time, I wasn't so sure that I wouldn't leave Jake for Edward. With Edward, it was different. He offered so much. Where with Jake, there was only so much he could offer. And I think Jake knew that. He didn't want to hold me back by any means, but he didn't want to lose me either which only caused more trouble than need be.

To sum it up, the time Jacob and I had together was very passionate and full of so much love. Maybe we loved each other too much or maybe I was just too much like my Mom, but after a stint at the local community college, I soon realized that this was not what I wanted. By "this", I mean Forks,the community college, never getting out into the world to really experience anything besides this cold, wet, rainy town. And then one day, the sudden realization hit me that if I didn't want Forks, then I couldn't have Jake – so maybe Jacob and Bella weren't meant for _**forever.**_

The moment I realized this was a rainy afternoon in La Push. Jake had skipped school to spend time with me. I tried to not get angry, because at the time, we hadn't been seeing much of each other. He was stretched to the max with the pack, Billy had been sick, school was nearing finals, and Jake was getting ready to graduate. I understood that there were simply more important things to do than to spend all of his time with me, but Jacob didn't.

"_Do I always have to fight with you to get you to see me anymore," Jacob asked with his eyebrows pressed together. His lips tightly wound across his teeth._

"_No," I answered sourly. "But, Jake…"_

"_No, but Jake's. Do you not want to spend time with me anymore Bells? Because it sure as hell feels that way," his angry furrowed brow melted into a concerned soften expression. The corners of his lips had dropped into a frown._

_My heart ached to see him upset like this. "Of coure, I do. I love spending time with you Jacob…"_

"_But…" he interrupted rolling his eyes and turning his back on me. He stared at himself in the mirror on his dresser._

"_But…" not sure what he was thinking, I chose my words carefully, "you need important things like sleep, and food."_

"_I need you," he interrupted spinning around to face me. He took a long stride and sat next to me on his small bed. He placed a worried hand on my knee and breathed out like he had been holding that in for the longest time. It wasn't anything new. I understood that he needed me. I needed him, but sometimes we had to be apart._

"_I know, Jake. I hate that you're spread so thin all the time. I hate that you fall asleep when we try to watch a movie, because you've been up all day for school, because you were out patrolling with the pack. I hate not being with you, Jake. Every second."_

_Jacob breathed deeply and relaxed slightly. His muscles let go of his frustrations and his body almost caved in on itself. His elbows went to his knees and his head hung between his hands. He shook his head nervously almost as if he were debating with himself. "Are you happy, Bella?" He asked almost too quickly._

_My stomach dropped. A sudden weakness fell through my body. Of course I was happy. I had everything I needed. I had a wonderful best friend who doubled a the man I was in love with. I was going to an okay college, that didn't really offer what I wanted to major in but I found something I enjoyed either way. I had Charlie, who didn't linger too much. I had friends on the rez. I had dreams to be a writer…I wanted to travel…I had dreams… bigger than Forks. My stomach dropped a little more, and suddenly I felt sick. I stood quickly and walked to the window._

_I stared out into the rain watching it fall in sheets blanketing everything in a wet sloppy mess. I sighed. I had a boyfriend who could never leave La Push. I had a dream to travel, to go places that I'd never seen. I had wishes of never getting married, not having children, and leaving this small, tiny, incandescent town. I wanted out of Forks, and I couldn't take Jacob with me._

_I heard Jacob heavily walk behind me. He planted his arms around me gripping the window seal in front of me. He hesitantly kissed the back of my head as so low soft whimper not meant for me to hear left his chest._

"_That's what I thought," he hummed softly in my hair before wrapping his arms around me and squeezing me tighter than he ever had before._

I'm pretty sure that day Jacob knew I was going to leave. It was the when factor that scared him the most.


	2. Decision

"_Suppose I called you up tonight and told you that I loved you  
And suppose I said "I wanna come back home".  
And suppose I cried and said "I think I finally learned my lesson"  
And I'm tired a-spendin' all my time alone."_

_"Bella, you don't have to do this," Jacob bit his bottom lip – his eyes pleading with me, begging me, to stay._

_ "Jake," I couldn't let him finish. If I let him finish, he'd talk me out of my plans. I'd given him a heads up. I wouldn't be leaving until the end of the month – that was just a little over two weeks away. I could have just left and not said anything. I was trying to be a good person about this. But… I was a horrible person for hurting him like this. I couldn't be stuck in Forks for the rest of my life. I needed more. I quickly drew in a breath and just as quickly spit the words out that I knew would get him to stop._

"_I need more than you can offer."_

_ His expression changed quickly. His face was fearful of the truth and his heart, now, bled tears down his tanned face. He hung his between his shoulders. His warm wet eyes glanced up through his thick eyelashes. I swallowed hard and stuffed the sobs back down my throat. I couldn't let him see me cry, because he'd know that this is the toughest thing I've ever done in my life._

_I extended my hand to lightly touch his tattooed shoulder. As his skin met mine, sheets of rain began to fall to the ground. Thanks Forks – like this wasn't hard enough as it is. His voice was regretful and low, "Bells, you don't have to end this. We can still…"_

"_Still what, Jake? Write? Text? Talk on the phone?" I finally let my tears drip from my eyes._

"_Well, yeah. Bella, we love each other. You don't just walk away like that without consequences." He almost growled a threatening growl at me._

_I knew that if I left now, I wouldn't be back to Forks. If I did come back, it would be for Charlie's funeral. Truthfully, I'd never be back. I didn't want to drag Jacob on with phone calls, texts…whatever. I knew Jacob deserved more than me. He was sort of beautiful. I was sort of plain._

"_I know, Jake. So, please, can we just take the time we have left and…" my voice cracked. I couldn't finish my own sentence. I cleared my throat and tried again. "Let's just be Bella and Jake for the next two weeks."_

_And then suddenly the tables were turned. Jake knew he was backed into a corner. And, secretly, I knew Jacob would never be able to handle just being us for the next two weeks. I knew I should have just left a note and went on about my business, but I didn't. I was trying to do the right thing. Only, he wasn't letting me._

"_No," he whimpered. I could see the tears flowing steadily out of his eyes through the sheets of rain._

"_No."My response came out like a breathless sob._

"_No. If you leave, then you leave now. This ends now. No more Jacob and Bella." He was stern. He straightened his broad shoulders out of the slump. He stiffened his face as much as he could, but he couldn't stop the tears from dripping. I watched him swallow hard and try to pretend like this was his choice._

"_Why Jake? Why can't we just have two more weeks of fun… two more weeks of us?"_

"_Because," he growled stepping closer to me. "I'm not enough. I'll never be enough, so go chasing after that filthy bloodsucker you love so much."_

_Is that what he thought this was about? Jacob turned to go. He jogged slowly - his head hanging back between his shoulders. "Jake, this isn't about Edward." I tried to get him to stop, but it didn't work. I couldn't just let him go like this. I couldn't. So, I ran to catch up with him. I ran as hard and as fast as I could. As I caught up with his slow jog, I quickly stepped in front of him. He wouldn't stop. Simply, he side stepped around me. I panicked. "I love you, Jake."_

_He stopped. His breathing was labored. Jacob turned toward me. For a moment, I saw my Jacob in there behind the hurt and frustration. He reached his large palm between us and touched my cheek softly and sweetly. His thumb traced a path over my cheek bone as he usually did when he touched my face. _

"_I know, Bells," he studied me gingerly taking in every part. "I love you too. I only wish that I was enough, but I'm not. I've always known that. I can never offer you what you need or want. All I have to offer is my heart and protection. But…that's not enough for you is it?"_

_I couldn't say anything. I nodded my head softly in agreement. He knew, so why was him saying all of this hurting more than my thinking it?_

"_I can't just be there for you for the next two weeks knowing that you'll be leaving me. I can't," he whispered his voice cracking with emotion. He wrapped an arm around my waist._

_I dropped my head in acknowledgement. I knew it would be too hard for him, but if I couldn't have him the next two weeks, then I wanted him to at least see me off at the airport. I wasn't sure how to ask, so I just blurted it out._

"_Will you take me to the airport?"_

_He shook his head no. He couldn't watch me leave either. Jacob's thumb stopped. "I can't, Bella. I can't just let you go like that – watch you leave. Do you know what that will do to me? This is already hard enough."_

_I had no response. So, I watched him, studied him. I never wanted to forget a thing about Jacob Black. I wanted to remember as much as I could for as long as I could. I felt a sob bubbling up from the pit of my soul, and I couldn't settle it back down. It left me just as quickly as it'd bubbled up. That one simple little sob was followed incoherently by more and more. Soon, I couldn't get them to stop coming up. Everything I'd suppressed was coming right back up. It didn't matter that Jake was standing here. He'd wrapped his arms around me and pulled me tightly into his chest just shortly after the first sob._

_This was such a Bella thing to do. Break-up with the boy she loved more than anything, and fall apart in front of him. But, I couldn't stop. I couldn't. I tried. And there was nothing Jake could do, but kiss the top of my head and stroke my hair. He was just as scared as me._

_With every sob that I sobbed his body stiffened holding back his own. Soon, it would become unbearable even to him, and he'd run off phasing in mid air trying to avoid the pain. But he never ran. He never phased. He just held me tenderly, sweetly just like it was his last time ever seeing me._

And it was the last time Jacob ever saw me. The last memory I have of _my_ Jacob was him holding his sobs back as I threw the sweet, tender heart he'd given me back in his face. That's the part of Forks that haunts me the most. I'd been gone 2 years 4 months, and now 4 days. I hadn't called when I graduated college. I hadn't called when I met the third love of my life. And I most definitely didn't call the day it all ended. The ironic part was that he wasn't Forks and he definitely wasn't Jacob.

In the end, that's why it never worked out between us. I found myself wishing he'd touch me the way Jacob touched me, or I'd want to feel his lips devour mine in almost a biting fashion – just the way Jacob used to. And the love making was impeccable. He was a fantastic lover, but, still, it lacked everything Jacob. I longed to feel Jacob's muscular frame hovering over me. I wanted to see the passion flare up in the dark pools of his eyes. I wanted to feel the heat radiate from him. But, it never did, and it never would. He was not Jacob.

Occasionally, I would text Jacob just to let him know that I was doing okay. I never elaborated. I never told him exactly what was going on. Just a simple text saying, "I'm ok" sufficed. Sometimes, I would get a reply, but mostly I wouldn't. If Jake texted me back, it was always something saying he was glad to hear that, or it simply said, "Thanks". He never asked questions, and I'm sure that he didn't know if he would be able to handle the truth. So, in the last two years, I'd texted Jake no more than 12 times, and heard back from him maybe 8 times. Our post break-up relationship was nothing to brag about.

Charlie, on the other hand, I spoke with every other weekend. I made him promise me he'd never tell Billy or Jacob that he talked to me. Oddly enough, he understood and agreed without an argument. I knew I was asking a lot of Charlie, but I didn't need to hurt Jake anymore than I had. Charlie never mentioned Jake, and I never mentioned the other guy.

The day after it had ended between the other guy and me, I knew where I was supposed to be, but I didn't know how much of a hassle it would be to admit it to myself. The scariest part was that I was telling no one – not even Charlie. I didn't know how accepted I would be back in their lives again, but I had to swallow my pride sometime and realize what was best for me after all.

I sighed heavily sitting in the chair in my old apartment. It was vacant now. I'd sold nearly everything I had the day I realized what I was going to do. I was going to swallow my pride, not be stubborn, and realize there was no one else for me. I'd asked myself how I knew that Forks was what I didn't want. How did I know simply that Jacob wasn't enough for me? I didn't know at the time.. I needed to grow. I needed to expand my horizons. I needed to check out the world just to make sure that my home was where my heart was. It was the most selfish thing I could do, but I had to do it. Hopefully, one day, Jacob would understand.

That day had come much sooner than I'd thought. My chair was the last thing I'd sold. It'd been the only thing that still reminded me of Forks. It was dreary, mossy green leather that always seemed to stay cool no matter the temperature outside. Now, I was waiting for it to be picked up by its new owner, who would love it just as much as I had.

The family who had bought it had just had their first child a little over three weeks ago. The dad, John, needed a chair he could use to hold the baby in, since he didn't exactly fit into the glider rocker his wife had bought. Oddly enough, John was almost 6'6" tall, muscular build, and came from another reservation not too far away from here. I smiled when he picked up the chair with no effort, no struggle, not even a grunt, and side stepped it out the front door. I sighed. Irony was a part of my everyday life now.

After I graduated college, I found this little town in Montana where the sun almost never came out, instead of rain there was snow, and instead of werewolves there were real wolves that ran the length of the reservation that sat just north of town. Eerily enough, I'd moved to a town that oddly resembled Forks, and I hadn't realized it until I was ready to go home.

I stood in the middle of my empty apartment trying to take in as much as I could before I left. It would take me only 18 hours to get back to my heart. My stomach was full of butterflies and nerves. I knew this was the right move. Every part of myself told me this was what I needed to do. I wanted to go home and be with the people I was supposed to be with. But, how it would all work out was still a question. How would I or should I tell Jacob I'm coming home? Would he even accept me back into his life? Would he want to see me?

I slumped down against the wall my knees to my chest. So, maybe I should have thought of all this before I decided to just up and leave. I didn't know what he'd say when I told him I was wrong. Would he understand? Then it hit me, maybe, Jacob was in love with someone else. Maybe, that's why he never asked me any questions. Perhaps, that's why Charlie never mentioned him.

But, what had I expected when I left Forks? Did I just expect Jake to wait for me – to hope that I'd come home someday? Did I want to go home to Forks without the chance of being with Jacob?

Forks was home. I'd ran from it for long enough. Forks, no matter how much I hated the idea of it, would always be the place I'd call home. It would always be where I ran to when I needed a good dose of home life, but now that's all I wanted. I wanted home life. I wanted a long standing home in that incandescent town of Forks.

The same question popped up in my mind again. Had Jacob found someone else? If he had, I at least wanted to be prepared. I at least wanted to know so I could steer clear. I still loved Jacob as much as I did the day I left. I was still in love with him, and I still wanted him if he could ever forgive me. I wondered if he could forgive me. I had ran off with just a two week notice like he was some job that I was quitting. I wouldn't blame Jacob if he hated me after all I did to him.

I could ask Charlie, but I'm not sure Charlie would really tell me if Jake was with someone else. He'd be too elated that I was coming home, and I'd have to tell him why I was coming home. He'd interrogate me about why I wanted to know so much about Jacob after two years. So, Charlie was out of the question. Billy and I never really clicked, but I'm sure Billy wouldn't really want to talk with me either. He, after all, was the one who had to put up the with the Jake aftermath once I'd left. I felt bad for Billy. Really bad. So, there was only one thing I could think of to do and only one person I could ask.

I pulled my cell phone from my pocket. As quickly as I could, before my judgment could get the best of me, I typed out my message, selected Jacob Black from my contacts, and pressed send. It was the only real way to know the truth.

It would hurt if Jacob told me he was with someone else. It would rip open that hole in my chest again, and I would be this half part of myself. I would have to deal with it alone. I would have to find a way to heal myself, because I could not be friends with Jacob while he doted on about how he was so in love with someone else.

A familiar pain pounded in my chest. My breath caught. My stomach flipped and flopped. I needed to move. I needed to get out of here. I had to leave. So, I ran out of the empty apartment, jumped into the truck Charlie had bought me when I first moved to Forks, and drove west. Like it or not, Forks, here I come.

To my liking, there were plenty of distractions on the road. However, when my phone vibrated in the seat next to me, there weren't nearly enough distractions to keep my mind from the contents of that text. I swallowed hard, grabbed the phone, and pressed enter.

"Yeah," was all the message said. It wasn't at all what I expected him to say. I hadn't thought that far ahead.

So, on the side of the interstate at 11pm at night only 100 miles from Forks, I called Jake for the first time in 2 years, 4 months, and almost 5 days.


	3. Dumbass Blondes and The Unexpected

**Authors Note and Warning: **So, I'm afraid some of you may not like this chapter. It is in Jacob's point of view, and I wanted him to be drastically different. No this is not permanent; however, this is just how I want Jacob to react and feel to the way Bella just left him alone and broken. Also, for a lot of this chapter, I listened to John Mayer's "Edge of Desire" for a little more of a guys perspective.** This chapter contains a lot of language and adult concepts. You are forewarned.**

"_If I told you that I realized you're all I ever wanted  
And it's killin' me to be so far away.  
Would you tell me that you loved me too and would we cry together?  
Or would you simply laugh at me and say…"_

**Jacob**

2 years, 4 months, 4 days and 23 hours ago, Bella Swan walked out of my life. It was hard to watch her go – taking the steps onto the airplane two at a time. She doesn't know that I was there at the airport the day she left Forks. How could she? Every two months or so, I get a text from her telling me she's ok. It takes me every bit of 2 days to respond…if I do.

Imagine the one person you gave everything to telling you that you didn't offer them enough. It's like someone stabbing you in the gut and ripping you limb from limb. I knew I didn't offer her nearly what she wanted. Due to my werewolf duties and being the Alpha, I couldn't leave. She knew better than to ask. I knew it would happen, but I never expected it to happen so soon.

I thought I could make her happy, but I couldn't. I've lived with that idea in the back of my mind for a very long time now. It eats away at the person you should be, and slowly it becomes you. You lose yourself in the idea. So, to say I'm the same is a huge stretch of the imagination.

"Jacob," Quil yelled jumping from the back of some person's car. "You ready to have some fun?"

This was my life now – Alpha and party guy. Oh, how Bella would love me now. I was the epitome of a rez guy. I partied, fucked, and protected. I sighed and swallowed her name out of my thoughts. So, now-a-days, I spent most of my time sleeping and partying. Ever since the bloodsuckers left town, we haven't had much of a problem. Of course, the occasional vampire would show up, but the pack had it all under control. I had it all under control.

"Dude, you have to see these chicks. Damn!" Quil's voice echoed in my ear. I nodded with a grin and watched three girls step out of the car. One was a blonde with legs for days. The other two were brunettes with huge tits. Their faces were caked with make-up, and their hair sprayed into place with probably two cans of hair spray. But what did I care? I only cared about one thing -the slit between their legs.

I never really felt guilty for screwing so many girls or for partying so much. Why should I be the one with guilt? She's the one who left. She's the one who took my heart with her all the way to wherever the fuck she was now.

"Dude, can you smell them? God, they're all ready to go. Fuck dude, this is gonna be an easy night," Quil grabbed my shoulder and jerked me into the front door. Most nights were easy for me. I didn't have to try too hard. None of us did. We didn't really look like most guys in Forks, so most girls were more than willing to come party with us whenever we asked.

Billy hadn't really been home much, probably, because he couldn't stand me now. He appreciated what the pack did for the rez, but me, as his son, he was none to impressed. After plenty of drunken arguments and broken things, Billy had enough and started staying with Charlie more and more. Besides, I didn't help as much as I used to. I just didn't care about anything anymore. And it was all her fault.

Just then, the blonde with legs walked passed me brushing her finger across the tattoo on my shoulder. "So, are you guys like a gang or something?"

"Maybe," I replied raspily. "Maybe not."

She didn't need to know what we were. I wouldn't see her again. She cheeked a grin at me and swapped the gum in her mouth with her tongue. I felt a growl well up in me. I bet she knew how to use that tongue.

"So," I stepped closer and pushed her blonde hair behind her shoulder. I let my fingers slide across her exposed shoulder and whispered, "do you always move your gum around in your mouth like that? It's kinda." I stopped and leaned in to her ear. "Sexy," I whispered letting my breath hit her ear. Her skin rose with goose bumps.

"Guys, did you start the party without me?" Jared pounded through the door with three cases of beer and a brown bag probably full of liquor – as if we needed it tonight. I turned from the blonde and nodded at Jared.

"There's no party without alcohol," I seriously could not believe I just said that.

See, that's the annoying part. I hadn't lost the real Jacob. He was still in there somewhere – pushed out of the way with pain, hurt, and a little anger. I bit my tongue before I said something else as stupid as I said before, and turned back to the blonde. I eyed her lips. Her lips were full and pouty. She pressed them together and then slid the tip of her tongue between them.

_Oh. She was a tease, huh? _

I stepped closer to her and yanked her by the waist. She crashed into me with a smack, and she giggled. She fucking _giggled_. I suppressed rolling my eyes. I slid my hand to her ass and squeezed. She liked it and bent in to kiss me.

I dipped my head to her neck and aggressively nipped at it with my teeth. She moaned a soft "harder" into my ear. So, I nipped at her neck harder as the scent of her arousal drifted up to my nose. _Damn, she was easy._ I could probably fuck her now if I wanted, but that took the fun out of it. Maybe, I'd let her suck me off first. I felt myself tighten at the idea of her full plump lips wrapped around my dick.

I swooped her up and walked to my bedroom. "Where are we going?" she asked in an innocent school girl kind of way, but the grin on her face knew what was happening.

"Damn, Jake. Slow down. I just got here, brother," I heard Jared bitch. Probably, because, he had a thing for blondes. He could have her once I was done. I didn't care. Usually, he didn't either – as long as I used a condom. Fuck. As if I would not use one. I may have been 20, but I wasn't a fucking moron.

"You can fuck her when I'm done," I yelled back slamming the door. The blonde, whatever her name was, just smirked at me.

"What makes you think I'll fuck him too?"

"That's what you came here for, right? Fuck some rez guys to up your self esteem." I answered mono-toned. I walked across the room to my dresser and grabbed a condom from the top drawer. I tossed the condom on top of the dresser. It hit my cell and bounced to the floor.

Blondie slowly lowered herself to her knees and crawled to my feet, where the condom lay. Her ass stuck high in the air. Her ass cheeks were sticking out from the short skirt she was wearing. She bent to her elbows – obviously trying to seduce me – and grabbed the condom between two of her fingers. I amused her a little and let a soft moan rumble in my chest.

"I don't fuck guys so I'll feel better about myself," she breathily spoke as she rose to her knees - her face eye level with my cock.

"Sure, sure," I answered unbuttoning my jeans. She cocked her eyebrow at me.

"What are you doing," her voice was becoming more annoying by the second. "I thought you wanted to fuck me."

"Well, since you're already in that position," I smirked unzipping my jeans.

She smiled letting me know she liked the teasing. "Yeah, what makes you think I just blow guys whenever they want me to?"

"I don't," I replied in a smart assed tone, but I knew she would. She, obviously, was a slut. I didn't even know her name, and I'd only met her 30 minutes ago. Now, look at her. She was on her knees, my condom in her hand, staring at the bulge growing in my jeans. Of course she was going to blow me. She knew she was going to the minute she walked in the door.

"But, what do I get if I give you the best blow job you've ever had?" She whimpered sticking her bottom lip out.

'_Absolutely fucking nothing if you keep talking_.' I thought. "What do you want?"

"Mmm. Well, first, you can kiss me," she stood from her knees and pressed her fake tanned body against me.

"I don't kiss girls I just met," I spoke sternly grabbing the condom from her hand and resting it on top of my cell phone.

"But you'll fuck me," she questioned, obviously curious.

"Maybe. Depends on how well you are with that lovely tongue of yours," I whispered unbuttoning her jean skirt. '_And if you shut the hell up.' _I thought.

She simply grinned at me and slid her fingers into my jeans. She slid them down to my ankles and hummed at how hard I was already. She ran her hand over my stomach and down to my cock. She stroked it a few times, obviously knowing what she was doing. I moaned a growl at her softly. She kissed at the waistband of my underwear – leaving lines of wetness with her tongue. One thing was for sure, she was a fucking tease.

"Jake," she moaned releasing me from my underwear. My body stiffened. An intensity inside of me caused a shiver down my spine. I bit back the urge to ram my dick down her throat just to get her to shut up, but I was kind of enjoying this little fucking tease.

I jerked away from her. "Don't call me that." I spoke authoritively through my teeth. Her eyes widened and her mouth formed an 'O' shape. I sighed. "Just don't call me that." I swallowed back the visions of Bella in that same position many years ago, and fisted a palm full of the blonde's hair. Before she could move her mouth again, I swiftly guided her to my cock to keep her from uttering that name again. She moaned on to me and gingerly began to suck.

My eyes rolled back into my head as her sweet, little pink tongue twirled around the head of my dick and down the shaft as she took all of me into her mouth. I bucked my hips into her mouth. My head fell back in lust and I couldn't help but moan deeply. She definitely knew what she was doing. Suddenly with a slight pop, she plopped me from her mouth, and stood.

"Uhh," I asked.

She eyeballed me and slowly started to strip. Her hips swayed to a beat of their own. Her legs spread and she pushed her ass out shaking it, then smacking it. She blew a kiss to me, and slid out of her shirt. The hot pink bra she was wearing shoved her tits up and out. I felt myself twitch and harden more. She sent her hands behind her back to unclasp the bra that was keeping me hard.

"No," I whispered putting myself away, then lifting my jeans up and buttoning them. "Leave it on. And turn around." I walked toward the door first, opening it and yelling for my brothers to come in.

"Guys, you gotta watch this." I was out to make a complete fool of this girl. She should have just finished liked I asked.

Quil, Embry, and Jared stampered into the room. The blonde didn't seem phased a bit. She enjoyed the extra company and bent over, shaking her ass at all of us.

"Damn." "Fuck." "God." They all whooped and hollered. "Take it off," Quil waved a dollar at her. I smirked and stifled a laugh.

_Beep. Beep. Beep. _The sound brought me out of my horny stupor. I walked past the dumbass blonde, and to my dresser where my cell phone rested. It vibrated one time raising everyone's attention. There was only one person to ever text me this late.

"Damn." Quil shook his head, and asked me with a look if it was who he thought it was.

I shrugged almost hoping that there was some kind of an emergency with Billy. If not, then I knew the rest of my night, it would be spent with a bottle of Jose Cuervo. The phone would sit tauntingly at me for hours before I'd even check the message. I'd probably break a few tables, and maybe toss the couch into a wall scaring the silly little sluts out of my house. So, to say that _she_ could still fuck me up from however far away _she_ was, was the understatement of the year.

I pocketed the phone and walked out of the room. I was headed for the door, when I remembered the bottle of Jose, chilled in the freezer just the way I liked it. I made a u-turn, grabbed the bottle out of the freezer, and walked out the door. I sat on the front step of the porch staring at the "One New Msg" blaring across my screen.

I ran my hand over my face. This was just another message letting me know that she's okay without me. She just wanted me to not worry, so why make such a huge deal over it? Bella was only trying to be thoughtful and respectful. She knew that I would want to make sure she was still okay – even if it was without me. All I needed to do was read the text, reply, and then go back in to my bedroom and fuck that silly little blonde senseless.

As much as I wanted to do that, I knew that there was no way I could now. My chest was already pounding with hurt. The all too familiar pains were stretching up to my throat, clenching at my breath. All I wanted was her. That was what all of this childish, dickishness was about. I didn't really want to be that Jacob. I wanted to be _Jake_ again. My heart pained, and I wondered where she was. I wondered if maybe I stopped all of this and worked on myself enough if I could someday go see her. I'd give anything to see her right now. I know it would tear me apart to see that she's okay without me, but I wanted to see her.

Maybe if I saw her, she'd realize that I was enough for her. I was enough for Bella. She just didn't know it. Or, maybe, I was too blind to see anyone else but her. God, I loved that girl.

I swallowed thickly. '_Just read it. Do whatever she wants you to do. You need her.'_

So, quickly, I opened the text message.

"Jake." My heart thudded in my chest as I read. "I need to talk to you. Really talk to you. Is it okay if I call?"

_What?_ I stared dumbfounded at the message. Of course she could call, and as much as I knew it would fuck me up, I clicked reply and typed. _Yeah._

I just needed to talk to her – to hear her voice, to hear the sweet resonance that echoed throughout the beautiful soul. My mouth dropped open and I stuttered at the thought of her actually speaking to me. Would she hear how different I was? I didn't want Bella to know that Jacob. I wanted to be her _Jake._ But, never had I gotten a request like this – not in 2 years, 4 months, 5 days, and 15 minutes. How was I going to pull this off?

"Was it _her_," Quil knew better than to say her name. He eyed the liquor bottle next to me and nodded a knowing nod.

"Uh yeah," I laughed for an unknown reason. "She wants to call me and talk." Just hearing those words stung. They didn't make sense. It'd been so long.

"Uhhh…" Quil thumbed to the blonde standing behind him. "What about her?"

"Fuck her," I growled snarling my teeth at Quil's refute. So, what if that dumbass blonde, who had probably just fucked Jared, was here? Bella wanted to talk to me.

"She keeps asking for you. Jared let her drink half a bottle of rum and now she won't quit yapping about how your dick tastes. Like we all want to know what Jacob tastes like," Quil snarled back at me. "You started this. Not us," he reminded.

"I know, alright. Just take," I nodded toward the blonde, "her and fuck her somewhere. She'll go for it alright? If she keeps asking for me, then tell her I left. An emergency."

"Anything for you bro," Quil, elated and drunk, stammered with the dumbass blonde through my house.

"Yeah, no problem," I mumbled. I glanced toward the bottle of Jose which sat next to me tauntingly a virgin – never been opened, never been tasted. I grabbed it in my hands the cool slick ice crystals melting under my hand. I twisted the lid and tossed it behind me. I would not need a lid. Tonight, I'd drink the whole bottle.

"_It's all in how you mix the two, and it starts just where the light exists. It's a feeling that you cannot miss. And it burns a hole through everyone who feels it…"_

Bella's ringtone.

I swallowed hard and sat the bottle on the step. My stomach knotted up. My eyes stung with long forgotten tears.

"_Well, you're never gonna find it, if you're looking for it. Won't come your way, yeah…"_

I should probably answer, but what if I didn't? Would it even matter? I could go on with my life without talking to her again. Couldn't I?

"No," I immediately answered myself. I pressed the talk button on my phone, and swallowed thickly. I tried to answer. I tried to say something, but nothing came out. All I could do was swallow and breathe. My heart was racing with regrets and memories.

"Jake," her sweet angelic voice echoed. And with one soft, sweet sound of my name, I was hers again. Nothing mattered anymore, but her. "Jacob? Are you there?"

She sounded fine. She sounded like Bella. It was true. Bella was okay without me. The thought caused all of the pain, the anger, the heart break to yank my heart out of my chest. My eyes brimmed with tears, and I clenched my jaw.

"Hello? Jacob? Maybe my connection is bad.." she drew silent. "I shouldn't have called. I'm…I'm…sor…"

In a panicked state, I finally answered. "No, don't hang up." I breathed and squinted the tears out of my eyes. "Please, don't hang up." I begged her.

"O..ok," she whispered. I heard the faint noise of a car breezing past.

"Bella," I had squeaked out her name. "Where are you?"

Why did I have to ask that question? I cocked my head back and cursed myself. All this time, I didn't know where she was. I didn't know what she was doing. And that was the first question I could ask? No how are you? I bit my bottom lip. She hadn't answered me. A pain shot through me. Was she in…Forks?

What if she came back? I'd have to be Jacob again. I didn't know what I'd do or how I would explain to her about all the parties, girls, and my now not-so-good reputation. I'm not sure Bella would understand. Sure, when Edward ended it with her, she went a little incoherent, but it was nothing like I had done. What_ am_ I doing?

"I'm…uh…" she stumbled with her words. "Jake, is it a good time to talk, because I really need to talk to you."

I glanced back to my home, which was pounding with music. Girls were laughing. Glasses were clanking."Oooh." Was that a moan? My face crinkled in disgust. I'd have to remember to get that couch cleaned. I jogged to the garage. I hadn't been here in a while. This place was kind of sacred.

"Sure, sure." I replied with a smile. I knew she loved it when I said that. "So, what do you want to talk about, Bells?" I sounded like myself again – a smile was spread wide across my face.

My heart was pounding in my chest. I tried to take a few deep breaths, but they came out quick and fast. A lump in my throat formed and I choked up at the realization of what was happening. The sound of another car passing echoed in the phone. I began to sweat. My knees buckled. I leaned against the garage and slid down the side. Was she driving? Where could she be driving to at this… I swallowed the thought, and cleared my throat.

"Bella," my voice cracked with emotion, and soon all that had happened came crashing down on my shoulders shoving me into the mud.

"Jake, I miss you." She whispered as if it were a secret.

I stared at the ground feeling like this was all a dream. Nervously, I clenched my jaw together. I tried to hold back the shock in my voice. "It took you this long to realize that?"

"No. Jake," she sighed. "I've missed you since…well." She couldn't talk about it either.

"Yeah," I coaxed her.

"It's just that, Jacob," Bella's voice lowered and a soft sob broke through the speaker. "I hate being so far away. I've realized a lot of things over the years."

I was speechless. I had dreamed so many nights of her calling to tell me she still loved me, that she was coming home, but I never thought it would actually happen. Now, that it was. Now, that all of it was happening, I didn't know what to say. A part of me was angry. A part of me wanted to sing. And, a part of me wanted to cry.

Could I let her back in after all that has happened?

"Jake, are you there," fear woven into each word.

I mumbled a yeah incoherently.

"Jake, it's just that, I've realized that you are…" she stopped. Her voice weakened with each word.

"That I'm what," I whispered into the phone propping my head against the red wooden walls of my garage. I let the rain hit my face as it began to fall. I almost didn't want to hear her answer, because I knew all of the pain it would bring.

"I can't do this over the phone, Jacob," she sweetly whispered.

"Are you… I mean will you… Are you coming …" I couldn't form the questions. The fragments lingered in the rainy night sky.

"I want to," another car echoed in the background of her phone.

"Where are you," I asked softly afraid she was close to me, wanting her to be close to La Push.

"A hundred or so miles from Forks."

My mouth gaped open. "Is that where you've been?"

"No," she quickly responded. "Jake." She was aggravated. "I just need to know if it's okay that I come _home._"

The last word she spoke spread through my body like a wildfire. She _wanted_ to come _home._ But, that didn't mean she wanted to see me. She just wanted to make sure it wasn't going to hurt me – her being here and all. I swallowed the hope I had.

"Of course, Bells, I don't own Forks. I don't own Charlie's. I'll be all the way out here in…"

"No," she cut me off. "I want to come home to _you._"

"You, mean, in La Push," I asked in disbelief.

I, seriously, could not believe I was having this conversation. I almost didn't want to hear the answer. Just by asking that question, all of the hope I'd swallowed earlier exploded inside of me. My heart raced with hope. My eyes brimmed with tears that begged for the truth, that wanted to hear her squeak out that one little acknowledgement.

"Yeah. I want to come home to you, Jake," her voice was silent with fear.

"Bells, things have changed," I whispered into the phone almost regretfully. I didn't want her to expect the same Jacob or the same pack. I needed to sit her down and come clean with her about everything. I needed to know if she would still love me after she knew who I was now. "Just don't expect _everything_ to be the same."

I could imagine her nodding her head in agreement.

"And just because you're coming here doesn't mean that things are okay," I blurted out. I wasn't so sure that she'd still want me. She had to know who I was now, before I could make any promises for the future.

"I know, Jake. I just need to tell you so much," she exhaled as she talked. Her sweet voice echoed in my head reminding me of the Bella that used to love me…I stopped with that thought. She didn't love me. She loved the guy I wasn't anymore.

"Can I just come to La Push? I don't want to explain everything to Charlie until I've talked to you first."

I sighed. Of course I couldn't tell her "no". So, I agreed. "Sure, sure."

"Alright. I'll see you in an hour or so," the excitement in her voice bled through the phone and exploded into me. "Bye, Jake."

"Don't say…" I began.

"What?" she puzzled.

"Bye…" I whimpered into the phone.

"See ya in a few, Jake."

I heard the gas pedal of the old truck I'd fixed for her pressed to the floor before she'd even hung up the phone. I dropped my phone to the ground. With a groan of relief, I let the emotions flow through me. I caved into myself and shivered with fear, regret, love, and hate. The sobs that escaped me, I'm sure, could be heard for miles.

I spent a few moments letting the emotions escape me, and trying to understand what had just happened. Once, I was as calm as I was going to get, I pulled myself out of the mud. I eagerly walked into my home, turned off of the radio, and said,

"Everyone get the fuck out."


	4. Bella

**Authors Note & Warning**_**: **_This is yet again in Jacob's point of view. The last chapter was kind of letting you know how his life was now. So, hopefully this chapter will delve into their relationship. _**Obviously, Jake's character is a little bit of a sex addict and an alcoholic. EXPECT, sex & drunken stupors**__**. **_Also, I'm going to post a play list that I have so far that I'm using. Yes, the entire story is based on a single song, but I needed a little more perception than just that song. So, check my profile!

"_Would you tell me that you'd missed me too and that you'd been so lonely  
And you waited for the day that I returned.  
And we'd live in love forever and that I'm your one and only  
Or would you say the tables finally turned?"_

**Jacob**

No one really asked any questions. They all seemingly knew I meant business – Quil especially. The silly little dumbass blonde didn't seem to get the picture right away. Apparently, we'd have to do it the hard way.

"C'mon, _Jake,_ you don't really want me to leave, right," she slurred her words and slid her tongue across her lips. She puckered them at me and raised an eyebrow questioningly. "You know you want me, _Jake."_

A surge of anger flooded me. My arms restricted themselves into my sides, and my fingers clenched into fists. I _thought_ I'd told her to not call me that again. I'm pretty sure I made it damn clear. I gritted my teeth.

"Listen, Blondie," I spat. "I told you to not call me that. Didn't I? But, no, you and you're little cunt sisters have to try and piss me off. So, here's an idea, slut, run back home where you're daddy used to beat your useless piece of shit of a mother and never, ever come back here again. Got it, tramp?"

Quil knowingly jerked the blonde by the arm out the door. He eyeballed me. "Look man, did she really deserve that?"

The _real_ Jacob knew she didn't, but _this_ Jacob didn't care. I just needed some time to myself before Bella arrived. Even the Jacob I was now didn't usually get this angry. I wasn't sure where it was coming from, but I knew what caused it. The cause was the petite, sweet, beautiful Bella that I knew and loved inside and out no matter what she'd done to me. It didn't matter that she'd told me I didn't offer her what she needed. It didn't matter that she was meant for someone else. All that mattered was that precious little person was coming to see _me_, Jacob Black. So, I had to put my best face forward. I couldn't react the way I just did toward Bella. I _wouldn't_ react that way. No way, no how.

No one really seemed to get it except my brothers – that was only because they lived inside my head. They hadn't so much recently, but for the worst parts, they were there unwillingly. Quil seemed to understand the most, mainly, because he witnessed Bella and I together on many occasions. He, also, was my best friend outside of the pack. So, when we weren't phased, he had to hear my thoughts anyway. Quil was more than a wolf brother to me. He _was_ my brother – in a non-bloodline kind of way.

I suppose that's why Quil always interjected when I lost my temper. He knew I'd listen to him. Sam's control over me stopped the day I became Alpha. I knew I didn't have to listen to his orders any longer. That strained the relationship I had with him. Sam had been the first to phase. Thus, he had more experience. He was wiser in a sense. I was genetically chosen to be the Alpha male, but Sam had the experience. I could never counter that, and it bugged me a little…most days.

Sam would still try to talk to me when I was being especially difficult. Mostly, though, he just stood to the side and glared at me in disappointment. I wasn't appointed as "Alpha" until after Bells had left. Everyone knew that I was going to be Alpha someday, but the day it happened was one of the worst days of my life.

_"Jacob," Billy knocked at my door._

_ I was much too tired to deal with him. I'd been up most of the night trying to forget about…__**her**__. To no avail, I realized that I couldn't. As much as I told myself I could, I simply would never forget her. __**Ever.**_

_ Billy knocked on the door with a loud pound. My head hurt. My eyes burned. My body ached. She was being ripped from my being one tiny little string at a time. So, the bottle had become my companion now. Jose replaced Bella. Bella, however, had a much better physic and __**those**__ memories I couldn't escape either._

_ Billy pounded the door again. "Jacob Ephraim Black." He yelled._

_ Fuck it. I didn't care. Let him scream and beat my door down. There was no way in hell that I was going to get out of this bed – unless Bella herself came and yanked me out of it. I could picture her now trying with all her might to pull me by the arm from my bed. She'd huff. Her face would flush with anger. I'd laugh, but that would only anger her more. Finally, she'd give up and disappear only to return with an ice cold cup of water which she angrily would dump onto my face. That would get me up. It had gotten me up plenty of mornings when I'd refused to wake up, because I didn't want to be without her. Ha! Like that fucking mattered now._

_ My heart thudded in my chest, and I felt another string's hold snap. I whimpered and covered my head with the pillow. "Go away, Billy." I growled._

_ I didn't call him Dad anymore. I'm not sure why. I suppose I blamed him for this. However, I was unsure of how it could possibly be his fault, but he lived here. So, he could brunt some of the left over pain I had._

_ "Damn it, boy, I have had it up to here with your depressing mood," Billy jerked my door open. "Get out of that bed. The tribal council wants to speak with you ASAP."_

_ "I don't give a fuck what the tribal council wants." And I didn't. No one cared what I wanted, so why should I give two shits what they wanted?_

_ "Do not speak that way about our ancestors, son. I, simply, won't put up with that. There's only so much I can deal with, __**boy.**__" Billy's voice echoed the frustration in the air._

_ I'm not sure what it was about him calling me __**boy**__, but it caused me to jump from my bed. I cursed loudly. My voice growled with anger. I'm not even sure what I said or how the words formed, all I remember is it was the first time I saw fear in my father's eyes._

_ "I'm not your fucking boy. I'm not a god damned __**boy**__. I am a grown fucking man, and all I hear is your stupid, ignorant complaints about how I don't do anything. Well, you know what, __**Dad**__," I stopped when I felt the anger bubble in me and a shiver flew down my spine. I was about to phase any moment, but as much anger as I had, I simply could not hurt my father. So, I picked up the nearest thing to me – which just so happened to be the couch - and threw it as hard as I could._

"_Fuck you're stupid tribal council. Fuck being the Alpha son that you want so badly. That's why I'm here right now, you belligerent fuck. That's why I'm here and she's out there somewhere without __**me**__."_

_I dropped to my knees. I covered my face with my fists. I pressed my fisted fingers as hard as I could into my temples. Maybe, if I squeezed hard enough, I would be the first werewolf in history to kill himself. Tears stained my cheeks as the weight and realization of losing Bella weighed heavy on my shoulders. I grabbed the end table next to me and jerked it across the room._

_The window crashed onto the floor as the table sailed through it. Shards of glass pelted me. Fear struck me. If I was covered in glass, then that meant Billy must have been too. I hadn't been cut – not one tiny scrape, but Billy was covered in slices, rips, and scrapes. Gaping wounds bled across his face. He sat, shocked. And, I mimicked his shock. I was fearful of what I could do – of what I was becoming. It was all too late. I wasn't __**becoming**__ anything. I __**had become**__ a monster in just a few short days._

_I crumbled to the floor like the broken glass. __**I**__ was gone._

The memory hit me like a boulder. A sting in my chest welled up tears. To this day, I was still ashamed of my reaction. Billy eventually had me calmed down enough to see the council, and thankfully, he didn't mention my obtrusive comments about them. That day was the last day Billy stayed in the house.

A tear stumbled down my cheek. Did she know what she really did to me? I don't think she understood the weight she placed on my shoulders. Sure, I was the Alpha, and I was physically a man. But the hurt she caused me stripped me of my manhood. Perhaps that's why I did all of this – acted this way. It was just some way of me trying to prove to myself and I was indeed a **man.**

I sighed, and looked at the clock. I had 30 minutes before I'd hear the old familiar roar of the truck. With the time I had, I decided to clean up a bit. I had time to pick up the empty bottles of liquor, the crushed bear cans, and the hot pink panties lying across my kitchen table. I tossed it all into the trash secretly hoping I could toss the Jacob I was now out with yesterday's news. I breathed in heavily and exhaled the breath into my mouth. It escaped through the corners of my lips. A rumble came from outside.

I glanced at the clock. I'd only managed to waste 10 minutes. It couldn't be her already. I sniffed the air. A quick, fragrant, bubble gum and musky smell rose to my nostrils. _Great._ I smelled like that dumbass blonde. I'm sure Bella wouldn't be able to smell her scent on me, but I couldn't stand the thought of her knowing my escapades just moments before she reached out to me. I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth together. Of course, she'd have to know eventually. _Eventually._

Escaping into the shower was probably one of my better decisions this evening. The hot water eased the tension in my muscles. I stood under the water for what seemed like an hour. I wondered if I could really do this. Maybe it was a little too late to be apprehensive now. I closed my eyes and pictured her porcelain face, her brown eyes, and her crimson cheeks. I had to prepare myself. I couldn't let her see me react to just seeing her. My stomach knotted up in a ball. This was really happening.

I shut the water off and dried with a towel. I dressed slowly trying to let more time pass by, and maybe trying to avoid the whole situation. I was buttoning my jeans when I snapped my head up. The screen door slammed shut. My breath caught. My throat closed. This was really going to happen.

I swallowed as hard as I could and tried evening my breathing out. The tears that were begging to fall, I swiped away with the back of my hand.

_Don't let her see you cry._ I promised myself I wouldn't. I grabbed the brown t-shirt on the edge of the sink and stretched it over my head.

"Ja…Jake," her voice broke my robotic movements.

I glanced to the bathroom door. My eyebrows raised like I was answering her with my facial expressions. I chewed at my jaw and breathed. I could do this. I could. I just had to be…_brave._ I grumbled at myself for the lamest pep talk in the history of man. I straightened out my t-shirt nervously. My hand shook as I reached for the door knob. I twisted it as quickly as I could and stepped out of the door before I could detain myself any longer. I probably looked like an idiot as I took two quick steps through the door frame. The door slammed shut causing a puff of wind to breeze past me. I hadn't meant to slam the door.

Her sweet face quickly turned in my direction. And it all came back to me like a ton of bricks – the days we'd spent making love, the hours we'd spent talking, the fights we'd have, the promises we'd made. It all came back so quickly.

She stood across the kitchen looking at me in bewilderment. She hadn't expected this day to happen just as I hadn't. It was just as much of a surprise to her as it was me that I was really standing here right now remembering the crook of her neck, the twist of her hips, and the curve of her breast. I shook my head slightly to keep those images from my mind.

I'd had myself trained to only look at women in a physical sense. Bella wasn't just a woman. She was _Bella._ I stared at the floor ashamed of the memories that had come flooding back. I lifted my eyebrows and glanced at her through my eyelashes.

"S'sorry about the….uhh…door…uhh…slamming," I managed to say those few chopped up words.

"It's okay," she nodded her head and waved it off like it was nothing. She smiled nervously. I imagined she didn't know what to say or do either.

I summoned up enough courage to look at her again. This time, I looked at her to see if she'd changed, but to my amazement not much had changed. The lines on her face were eerily the same as the day she'd left. Her lips were just as pink. Her hair just a tad bit longer. My eyes traveled down her body shamlessly. She had matured more in her frame. She was no longer a lanky clumsy teenager, but a strong, independent woman. She may have put on every bit of 10lbs, but it suited her. And I liked it.

There was only so much I could read just looking at her appearance. I knew that if I wanted my question answered, then I'd have to look into her eyes. In her eyes, I would be able to tell if she'd learned her lesson, and if she could truly understand her unrelenting words. But, I didn't know if I had that much courage. I didn't know if my heart would be stable enough. A part of me secretly feared that Bella would be able to see the things I'd done, learned, or _not_ learned while she was gone. I was terrified to look into her eyes. So, I watched the floor.

"Jake," the name I loved to hear her say rang in my ears. "You don't have to worry. I don't bite."

A smile crept across my face. Her attempt at joke to lighten the mood was warmly welcomed. I let a laugh cackle from my chest.

"I might," I teased almost as if nothing ever came between us. My words were light with humor. "Have a seat." I wanted her to feel welcome, obviously, she would always be welcome here.

She turned toward the couch. My stomach clenched. "Uh, Bells, why don't we sit at the table. The couch isn't as in as good of shape as it was." Then, my heart sank. That was where I'd found those lacey hot pink panties. God, did I really have no shame anymore?

I walked to the kitchen counter and grabbed a paper towel. Quickly, I squirted it with some dish soap and wetted it down. I wiped down the table before she could reach it. I'm sure I looked like a crazed lunatic just wiping things down without an explanation. She'd get it soon enough. I was sure.

I tossed the paper towel in the trash and victoriously, it landed right on top of those stupid hot pink panties that'd had me so horny earlier. I didn't even like hot pink. I rolled my eyes and turned back to the table. Bella simply raised her eyebrows at me.

"It was just, uhh…Quil spilled syrup earlier and I hadn't cleaned it up yet. You know. It's uhh..sticky," I rambled out some sort of excuse. I smiled and glanced at her. She didn't question it, so I took my seat across the small round table from her.

"So…" Bella tried to keep the conversation going. She bit her lip and clutched at her purse sitting in her lap.

I felt like an ass. Where were my manners? It'd been too long since I'd used them. "Can I take your coat and purse?" I sounded like some doorman. At least if this Alpha male thing didn't work, I knew I had a calling in the doorman business.

"Sure, sure," she incoherently mumbled my trademark saying.

My cheeks flushed and I flashed her a deep, genuine grin. I loved that she said that. My heart thudded in my chest, and a pain slid in between the beats. I felt the familiar burning in my chest. It slowly began to creep its way up to my eyes. I felt a single tear begin to form in the corner of my eye. Thankfully, she had stood up and was concentrating on unbuttoning her coat. I blinked the tear from my eye. When it didn't go away, I quickly wiped it way with the back of my hand. I sniffed back the burning in my nostrils.

Her scent spread through me like a raging fire. I closed my eyes and tried to remember if it was still the same. And it was. She still smelled like _my_ Bella. I opened my eyes when I heard her shuffling to turn back around.

"Thanks," she smiled weakily.

I walked her coat and purse to my room and tossed it on my bed. It was still sacred. I'd laid no one else there. Only, Bella. There were only a few places this place had left that didn't reek of my unruly behavior. The first place was my bed, and that was only because her scent still lingered there. I couldn't give that up. The second was the garage. Something inside of me dared not to go in there. Everything beamed Bella. Funny that it used to be my favorite place to be. Now, it only reminded me of how Bells and I started. How I'd began to piece her soul back together one tiny little fragment at a time.

When I returned to the kitchen, Bella had already taken her seat. She was wringing her hangs together with worry, apprehension, and fear. Glad to know I wasn't the only one with such feelings. As I took my seat across from her, her eyes grazed across mine searching for something.

My throat closed in on itself. Her eyes were red. She'd been holding it all back too. I couldn't help but breathe out an exasperated breath. "Bella."

"Jake," she whimpered reaching across the table for my hand. I stared down at it wondering if it was simply that easy. Did she think it was that easy? Well, it wasn't. I wasn't going to let this just slide by like I had with so many other things. I couldn't just let this slide by. It had taken everything I had in me to not grab her hand and yank her across the table to me. I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back. I'm sure I looked like an asshole. I felt like one.

She simply retracted her hand like a lawyer would retract an inexcusable argument in the court of law. I bit the inside of my bottom lip, and decided to take an approach that wasn't like the Jacob she knew.

"So, you wanted to talk," I blankly stated. I wanted to hear what she had to say. Since, I the man with no balls, could not look her in the eye for fear of her learning my choice of lifestyle.

"Yeah," she whispered almost not knowing how to respond.

"Then talk," I coldly stared at the table.

"I can't. Jake, why are you…"

"Why am I what?" I bit back the resentment.

"Why are you being like this?"

"Like what, Bella," the anger dripped through my voice. My eyebrows furrowed and my forehead scrunched.

"Like this, Jake!"

God, enough with that name! I was not Jake anymore. A rumble of anger and resentment welled up in the pit of my stomach. But I swallowed hard. Now was not the time to let her see me angry. I needed to hear what she had to say.

I rolled my eyes and leaned onto the table. My arms in a triangle shape nearly crossing the entire table. I pressed my palms together and stared at my thumbs.

"What did you expect, Bella?" I almost whimpered.

"I have no expectations, Jake. All I want is for you to hear me out," she, strangely enough, sounded strong and honest.

I was caught off guard by her statement. "Then, you couldn't have just done _this_ over the phone? You had to come all the way back here to do it?"

"Yes," she answered confidently.

"Why?" I questioned.

"I owe you that much. After all I put you through, Ja…," she began to say it, but stopped. "After all I put you through, the least I could do is explain why I did what I did." She paused. I felt her staring at me, but I couldn't bare to look up. "Jacob, please look at me."

Her words haunted me and tantalized me. She had me under her spell, and I would do whatever she wanted me to do tonight. That was already apparent seeing as how I'd given up on fucking a dumbass blonde and kicked everyone out just to have a heart breaking conversation with my ex-girlfriend. So, I looked up.

And I was lost. Her soul screamed at me. It pleaded at me to listen. The brown pools I'd gotten lost in so many times before begged me to just listen. I knew what she was going to say before she said it. Her eyes told a story of regret, love, regret, pain, regret, fear, growth. I could read every bit of the last 2 years 4 months 5 days and 2 hours in her eyes. I swallowed hard and wondered what she saw in mine. I broke her trance and glanced at the table.

"And how much I regret it each and every single day that I breathe," her words formed bubbles in mid air. They floated to me and melted into my chest – the exact spot where my heart used to reside.

"I miss you, Jacob. I…I…know you're different now. I know things are different. But, can't we at least…," Bella's words became sparse and they didn't meet my ears. I was spinning in my own mind. My hands shook nervously. I watched them twitch and tremble with each passing second. If I could just hold it all in until she left, then I could just let it all out. I could finally break.

Bella lifted her small porcelain hand and rested it on top both of mine. Her words were circling me. I watched them float out of her mouth, float through the air, and spin in front of me like a whirlwind. My ears rang and burned with fear. My heart trembled and quaked. And the all familiar sting burned in the corners of my eyes. My entire body was shuddering with all the many feelings I'd stuffed down over the years.

"Do you know that I've counted the days, Jake? It's been 2…"

I joined her. "…years, 4 months, 5 days…"

She stopped.

"And 2 hours." I spoke the last part alone and quiet. My eyes steadily looked up from my hands and to hers. Tears stained my cheeks. I'd long forgotten to suppress them. I sniffed back a sob.

"Oh, Jake," she bellowed out a giant sob and melted into herself. She wrapped her arms around her torso. I imagined this is how she consoled herself over the years. "I'm so sorry."

I was up and out of my chair in seconds. I reached her side and knelt next to her sobbing body. Although she had hurt me worse than anyone ever could, I still felt the need to console her, to protect her. I wrapped her in my embrace and let go of my pride. Now that my pride was out of the way, the tears freely and fluently flowed out of my eyes. And I wanted nothing more than to be alone and take all of this in, but not now. I couldn't. She'd come all this way. If only I could have just let my pride go a long time before she came around.

But, I couldn't just let her back in my life like that. I couldn't! She'd ripped a hole in me the size of Earth, and I couldn't just let her try to fill it in one night. But, I could try to change. I could fix myself. She could work on her, well, _issues._ And then, maybe someday, we could be together again – a better Jacob and Bella, a stronger Jacob and Bella.

_Maybe. _The hardened prick inside of me screamed. I knew it wouldn't be that easy.


	5. Not Jake

**Author's Note & Warning:** Bella's point of view this time. I feel like it's necessary to hear her thoughts. It doesn't go into as much of the conversation as Jacob's point of view does. Sorry. I just wanted to get her point and feelings across as well. However, I feel that the story line is more so on Jacob's side. So, from this point on, Jacob will be my main focus. His story is a little more _interesting_. **Of course, Jacob is an ass. So, sex, alcohol, and bad language are to be expected. Please don't hate me.**

"_Would you tell me that you'd missed me too and that you'd been so lonely  
And you waited for the day that I returned.  
And we'd live in love forever and that I'm your one and only  
Or would you say the tables finally turned?"_

**Bella**

The speed limit sign said 55, but I was doing every bit of 100. I had to get to La Push before he changed his mind. I knew he was apprehensive about seeing me. I would be too. After all, I am the girl that ripped a whole in him. I was his _Edward_. My stomach knotted at the thought and I cringed. How could I live with myself for so long knowing that I'd hurt him just like Edward had hurt me?

I was an _awful_ person.

Awful people deserved to be reprimanded. So, I needed to prepare myself for the hurt and anger ridden face I'd have to look into. I'm sure the past 2 years had aged Jacob well, but the pain would be more than evident.

_La Push 12 miles_

I breathed deeply in through my nose and exhaled out of my mouth. My lip was raw. I'd been chewing on it most of the drive. I had to keep the tears back as I drove the last 15 miles to Jacob's home. I'm sure he would hear me pull up what with the roar of my truck. I'd put many miles on the truck over the last 2 years. The motor now roared and whined whenever I drove too much. She'd had no work done on her. My heart wouldn't allow it. The truck had Jake written all over it. He would be the only person to ever touch this old thing. She was rusty, but reliable. And, I wasn't too sure that I would have been able to make it the past 2 years without her. Even on the roughest days when my heart felt like it was going to drive itself back here, this good old truck eased the pain. It smelled like him _still._ I never wanted to lose that.

Slowly, I pulled up to Jake's house. The rain pelted my windshield, but through the blurry constant rain, I could see the door standing open. The lights were on inside, casting a shadow across the wooden floor. And my breath caught. I couldn't do this. I shouldn't do this. It would only hurt him more if he saw me now. I would be okay _eventually._ And, someday, he'd imprint on a very beautiful young woman, I'm sure.

My heart screamed at me through my chest. I couldn't live without Jacob Black anymore. What was I thinking? He was the epitome of male beauty, and he had my soul. Jake may have had an imprint out there in the world somewhere, but if I had anything to do or say about it, I'd make sure that it was me. The screaming in my chest silently calmed down.

I had to coax myself out of the cab of the truck. The truck enveloped me with Jake. So, I had to remind my heart that the real thing was standing in his house just a hundred or so yards from me. It didn't take much coaxing after the first time Jake walked past the screen door.

He was still just as breath taking. His physic hadn't changed at all. He was still my overly grown russet skinned boy, who wiggled his way into my heart way before I realized it. I steadied myself and tried not to breathe. I only wanted to watch him for a little while. I just wanted to admire him from afar before I'd forget to breathe.

The years had been good to me. I'd filled out a bit more. I didn't seem so lanky anymore, but I was still just as clumsy. So, as I had tried to steady myself, I'd forgotten the hinges on the truck door had rusted. My weight leaning against the door caused it to rumble and crunch. But, I still couldn't tear myself from the sight of him.

His head snapped up looking at something across the room. His body froze for a moment, but he soon turned and disappeared from my view. As he walked away, my heart tinged with pain. It was like watching him walk away all over again, and I simply couldn't watch for another minute.

So, I turned my back to the truck and leaned against her side. Directly ahead of me was Jake's garage. We'd spent so much time there while I was still in Forks. That's where he'd pieced me together again. I simply couldn't thank him enough for that.

"_Jake, you in here?" I yelled over the irritating music. He definitely needed some schooling in music. I mean really who listened to this crap anymore?_

"_Bells?" He stood from behind the hood of his Rabbit. "Bells!"_

_ I almost…__**almost**__…ran to him. "Jake." He ran to me, and whisked me into his arms. I breathed him in._

_ "What are you doing here? I thought you had finals," he asked raising his eyebrows in question._

_ "Yeah. Finals. I've studied enough," I lied. I breathed him in again._

_ I needed to remember his smell, because in a little over a month, I'd be leaving. Of course he didn't know yet. I was going to tell him soon. I just didn't know how to do it. I didn't know if I __**could**__ even. I prayed that I was making the right decision._

_ "I'm glad you came by," he huskily whispered in my ear. His hot breath made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end._

_ "Me too," I whispered into his neck. I left a small kiss on the bottom his neck._

_ "I hate fighting with you, ya know."_

_ Like he had to explain that to me. Of course, I knew that. "I know," was all I could muster. I choked up a bit at the thought of the fight I'd start when I told him I was leaving. I meant well, I did. He deserved better._

_ Jacob brought my face out from his neck. He cupped my cheeks and stared regretfully into my eyes. "Just don't…" he stopped choosing his words quickly. "Don't say those things to me again, alright?"_

_ I nodded my head. I knew I shouldn't have told him those awful things, but sometimes, he brought the worst out in me. _

_ "I'm gonna marry you some day, Bells." He smiled his toothy grin at me._

_ My heart sank. I was most definitely an awful person. _

My mind snapped back out of its memory induced haze. Like gravity was pulling me by its own accord, I sloshed through the muddy ground toward the garage. A blue light glowing from the ground caught my attention. My fingers dug through the mud as I retrieved a soaked cell phone. It beeped at me. I glanced at the screen.

_Low battery. Please recharge soon._

It must be Jake's. I should take it to him. I wondered why it was out here in the first place. Had I been the last person to talk to him? Was this where he was when I'd texted? Or is this where he ended up when I asked him if I could call? And why was it left out here?

I stumbled into the garage. It was dark and smelled musky. My memory led me to the light switch. I flipped it but nothing happened. So, in the darkness of night, I stumbled around the pieces of car, tools, and old furniture. I glanced around. Nothing had seemed to change. The tool bench across the room caught my eye. Successfully without any trips, I managed my way to the bench. I ran my fingertips over the screw drivers, sockets, and whatever else these things were. A soft residue was left lingering on my fingers. I rubbed them together. It was dust. These tools were covered in dust. That wasn't right.

I walked over to the car covered with a white sheet. I grabbed the corner of the fabric and flipped. The air filled with dust particles and a musky scent hit my nose. No one had used this garage in a very long time. A sharp jolt of pain wretched its way from my stomach to my heart. He hadn't used this garage since I'd left. Tears stung in my eyes.

_God, what had I done to him?_

I took the edge of the sheet and wiped the cell phone off robotically. If I thought anymore, I'd be running back to my truck and trudging my way to another state…or country. So, I couldn't think. I just had to follow what my body was doing. I needed to distract my mind. My eyes darted across the yard. My legs were leading me to the house. I eyed the tree line wondering if maybe one of them were phased and watching me. Maybe Jake was watching me. Maybe this is what he had wanted. Maybe he wanted me to see that he'd forgotten everything after I had left. I bent my knee when my body told my brain to step up. My hand dropped the cell phone in my pocket.

I returned to myself just as I let the screen door shut behind me. No one was here. Maybe Jake had a call from his brothers. Maybe something was happening. A panic set in my chest. Maybe, there was a vampire. I was bewildered.

"Ja…Jake," I asked the empty air. My hand clutched at my heart. _He wasn't here_.

A door slamming tore me from my fears, and I looked up toward the sound. Jake stood in front of the bathroom door – his hair still slightly damp. His eyes went to the floor and his hand quickly swiped at his eyes. He looked good, but different. His shoulders hung like he had so much weight pressing him closer to the floor. His lips didn't curl into a smile. His eyes didn't look up. His head hung low – almost in disgust. He was disgusted to see me.

"S'sorry about the….uhh…door…uhh…slamming," his voice chimed in my ears. He sounded like _my_ Jacob. And without the 10 ton boulder sitting on his shoulders, he looked just as beautiful as he did the day I left. My fears ceased. He was _okay_.

I felt a smile creep across my face intuitively reflecting the happiness swelling in my heart. I wanted to run to him and tell him I never wanted to let him go again. I wanted to promise the moon. I wanted to feel his arms protect me and warm my instinctively cold body. This was going to be okay. We were going to be okay. I just had to see Jacob to know that for sure.

The house was the same, and it was oddly comforting. The couch looked like it was tattered more than I'd remembered. Everything else, though, was the same. My eyes fluttered back to the silhouette standing in the door of the bathroom. His eyes drifted over me like he was trying to remember if I was the same. I hoped I wasn't. I wanted to be the woman Jake needed, not the silly little selfish girl I had been.

The air thickened with tension. I had to say something. "Jake, you don't have to worry. I don't bite."

Lame, but it seemed to work. Jacob smiled _my_ toothy smile, and laughed. The laugh seemed to lift some of the weight from his shoulders.

"I might," he flirted. "Have a seat."

When I tried to sit on the couch, Jake suggested sitting at the kitchen table. He said the couch wasn't as sturdy as it used to be. It sure didn't look like it used to, but I didn't ask what had happened. I didn't want to know every detail. I just needed to know he was still the same Jacob. He was tossing a paper towel in the trash when I sat in the wooden high backed chair. I raised an eyebrow at him, and he spouted some excuse about Quil and spilling syrup.

I hope he didn't feel like I had to know every reason for everything that happened. It wasn't like that. I just wanted him. I wanted Jacob. We needed to talk. I knew that, and I wanted nothing more than to make things right with him. Since I'd hurt him, I tried to break the ice a little more.

"So…" I grabbed my purse in a death defying clutch.

"Can I take your coat and purse," he spoke in a sweet gentle tone.

"Sure, sure," I rose and turned taking off my jacket. That little phrase had consoled me for so long now that I couldn't give it up even when its originator was standing two feet behind me.

He disappeared into what I assumed was still his room. I closed my eyes and tried to ease the tension in my body. I inhaled deeply – taking in the sweet scent of this place. I could be wrapped in the pure smell of this place and be completely content – as long as Jake was there next to me.

Leaving Forks turned out to be a huge mistake. I'd learned lessons. I'd seen the world, but my mind always drifted back here to his couch, to his kitchen, to his bed. The world was a very large place and I was such a miniscule part of it. What had I been looking for? I mean, I was all over the world – studying abroad mostly, but traveling in my spare time some. And this was the place that was always brought to the front of my mind. I'd seen so many things. I'd experienced so many cultures, but nothing struck me quite like these Quiletes. They were simply amazing.

My hands twisted into themselves. There had been so much time to go by, yet here I was back in the place I found solitude in. I was the one waiting for Jacob now, but what if he made the wrong choice like I almost had? What if he couldn't find it in his heart to forgive my foolishness? What if he didn't love me anymore?

Jake returned and took a seat across the table from me. I grazed my eyes across his face looking for signs that my fears might be the truth, but I found no sign. I glanced quickly into his eyes and saw everything. I almost gasped when the pain, change, and darkness looked back at me for a split second. This was not _Jake_.

"Bella." The voice that spoke was Jacob, but the eyes did not seem to reflect the person I once knew. It broke my heart all over again. Consequences: 1. Bella: 0. I wanted to touch him. Did he feel the same? Was his body still warm or had he turned cold just as his eyes had?

I swallowed the lump in my throat and out came a desperate, emotional, "Jake." My had reached across the table, begging for him to touch it. He only stared. He was rigid…stiff like he was holding it all in. I couldn't let him be this way.

"So, you wanted to talk," he was dry with emotion.

"Yeah," I know I must have sounded puzzled. He seemed to stiffen a little more. His eyes were darker. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to tell him to just listen to me, to try to understand, but I couldn't. Would I have understood if Edward tried to sit me down to tell me he was wrong?

_Bad example._

"Then talk," he sounded resentful, and I couldn't blame him. He could resent me for the rest of our lives, but as long as he agreed to try to forgive me, to let me back in his life, then I was okay with it. I'd have to be.

"I can't. Jake, why are you…" He looked like he wanted to just amuse me with this conversation. He didn't want to hear all of this. He really didn't care.

"Why am I what?" His words stabbed the air.

"Why are you being like this?" I just wanted to know if there was someone else.

"Like what, Bella?" His arms were crossed over his chest. He looked like a dick.

"Like this, Jake," I exclaimed motioning my hand at him. And when that name came out of my mouth, his face twitched. His facial expressions changed. Maybe, I shouldn't call him Jake anymore.

Our conversation continued. He eased up a bit as I tried to explain to him why I'd come here instead of talking over the phone. But, I couldn't get it in the right words. So, I told him how I had counted the days since I'd left. I thought it was something only a stupid, ignorant girl running from her home did, but I was wrong. When I began to say the amount of days it had been, his voice joined my in a velvety mix. He'd counted too. That tore a hole in my chest, but he didn't stop when I stopped. Instead, he mumbled the hours in a whisper and finally really looked at me.

His russet cheeks were covered in his own tears. His eyes weren't so dark anymore. There was a lightness present almost begging to be released. I wanted to release him from his darkness. I wanted to pull him back out of that hole he'd put himself in. No, I didn't know what he'd been into, but I knew by the darkness in his eyes, that he wasn't proud of it by any means. Jake seemed almost scared to let me look into his eyes. It burned a hole in my chest.

My eyes blurred with my own tears as the realization of the pain I'd caused started to settle in. I knew it was going to be hard, but nothing like this. His face graciously begged me to never let him go again, to never leave. I could promise that now, but there was also a tinge of resentment and anger. It was almost like he was at a war with himself. A new round of tears fell from his eyes, and a silent sob escaped him.

"Oh, Jake," I blubbered not being able to hold back anymore. "I'm so sorry." I melted into myself. I just wanted to feel his embrace, but I knew he wouldn't be able to hold me like I wanted. So, I wrapped my arms around my torso like I had many nights before, and sobbed.


	6. Memories

**Note & Warning: ** So, I picked up a little from the last chapter in Jacob's point of view, and brought it over. The last chapter was just to fill everyone in on the situation, and their different point of views. Okay, it was a filler. Sorry. Anywho, this one should be much better. Also, this will probably be the last update until Monday. I work on the weekends, but I'll try to write when I can. **Again, expect it. You know it'll be coming. Sex, alcohol, and werewolves. **

"_If I got down on my knees and told you I was yours forever  
Would you get down on yours too and take my hand?  
Would we get that old time feelin', would we laugh and talk for hours  
The way we did when our love first began?"_

I was up and out of my chair in seconds. I reached her side and knelt next to her sobbing body. Although she had hurt me worse than anyone ever could, I still felt the need to console her, to protect her. I wrapped her in my embrace and let go of my pride. Now that my pride was out of the way, the tears freely and fluently flowed out of my eyes. And I wanted nothing more than to be alone and take all of this in, but not now. I couldn't. She'd come all this way. If only I could have just let my pride go a long time before she came around.

But, I couldn't just let her back in my life like that. I couldn't! She'd ripped a hole in me the size of Earth, and I couldn't just let her try to fill it in one night. But, I could try to change. I could fix myself. She could work on her, well, issues. And then, maybe someday, we could be together again – a better Jacob and Bella, a stronger Jacob and Bella.

_Maybe_. The hardened prick inside of me screamed. I knew it wouldn't be that easy.

I wanted to tell her that I was hers forever. I wanted to scream and tell her that I only loved her more every day. I wanted to tell her of my charades, and let her know that they were only a game. They were a way for me to forget. Only, I didn't forget. The thought haunted me no matter the situation. It didn't matter if I was fucking some random girl. Something would remind me of Bella, and the girl wouldn't know what had hit her. I'd end up flipping her over and angrily taking my rage out on her ass. That only seemed to make them hotter.

And it didn't matter that when I fell asleep alone at night that I swear I could feel her in my bed.

_I dried my hair a bit more with the towel before tossing it in the dirty pile behind my door. My small bed was blurry out of the corner of my eye. The dark blue sheets she'd bought me were still there. Her sweet, tantalizing scent still lingered on my pillow, and on my sheets. I didn't have the heart to let her go completely. Even if I was 90 and she never returned, I would have these sheets on my bed. Hopefully, I'd still be able to smell her. My mouth watered as I crawled between the sheets. God, I missed her._

_As the air drifted up from between the sheets, the sting in my chest radiated. Her sweet scent engulfed me. Tears creaked out the corners of my eye lids. I didn't bother to wipe them away. I was alone in our…__**this**__ bed. I woke up every morning without her. My dreams were sprinkled with memories – the good and the bad. _

_I stared at the ceiling above me. The cracks in the drywall tore my thoughts from the lingering smell. I studied them intently just trying to get my mind off of what all had happened and what was happening._

_Bella had been gone nearly a year now, and I played this routine every night. My eyes would tinge with tears. My heart would ache. I'd fall asleep with her sweet smell. I'd feel the ghost of her wrap a small hand around my torso. I'd wake in the middle of the night turning over as fast as I could, because I swear I could feel her breath hitting my neck. I'd just roll over again, and turn into a pansy as I'd cry myself back to a light sleep._

_After she left, I promised myself that I'd sleep as lightly as I could just in case she'd come back to me. _

_I flipped to my side. Staring at the ceiling definitely didn't take my mind off of things. I glanced out my window. It was a rare night. No clouds lingered in the sky. The sky sparkled with stars. I wondered if there was a God. Sure, my people believed in the God's, but lots of other people believed in a God. They prayed to him every night. They prayed to him whenever they were in trouble. My people, well, let's just say we had to make a big deal out of everything. If I told Billy that I wanted to talk to God, he'd probably hand me a bow and arrow, a loin cloth, and shove my ass out in the woods somewhere. Not exactly what I had in mind._

_I wondered if I prayed to their God if maybe he would answer. I protected his people. I looked out for their safety. I had been a good boy…at one time or another. I swallowed away the urge to call myself a pussy, and sighed. I glared at the stars._

"_I think you owe me a favor," I whispered to nothing, no one…to God. _

The silence between us was deafening. I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what to say. And the prick inside of me wouldn't let me just welcome her back to me – as much as…_I_ wanted to. She was still crying. I really wished she would stop crying.

The _real_ Jacob hadn't been gone for long. It wasn't too long after that night – after that prayer – that I decided the world was fucked. I didn't ask for much, but it didn't seem to matter. Even _God _didn't care about what I wanted. Of course, before that night, I'd taken my anger and depression out on a couple of unsuspecting girls. It was never anything more than a fuck or two, but after _that_ night and my stupid prayer, let's just say that my charades picked up more than enough.

Quil, Paul, and Jared were all grateful when I'd suggested a party night – with _chicks_ – at one of our many practice runs. Embry and Sam, of course, were dicks about it. I knew why Sam was. He had Emily. _Fuck him and Emily._ We didn't need them there to have a good time. Besides, the last thing I wanted to see at the time was a couple – a _real_ couple – canoodling on my couch. _Fuck that._

Embry, on the other hand, had a different issue with it. He never really said what it was, but I caught a glimpse in his brain after the first party during one of our runs. He was disgusted with me for having a threesome with the the two very lovely women who had approached me. I didn't initiate anything. I just _went along._

_Embry picked up his pace. I guess he hoped he would be able to out run me. He should have known better. Instead of running next to him, I followed behind. I wanted to know what his problem was with the parties and the girls. He hadn't imprinted. He hadn't even been in love. Why did it matter to him?_

_**You should be with Bella.**__ His thoughts raced across my mind._

_**Bella has nothing to do with this.**__ I snarled._

_**She has everything to do with it.**_

_**No, she doesn't.**__ I growled. __**Is it so wrong for me to want to have a little fun?**_

_**Would Bella approve of the fun you had last night?**__ Embry almost growled at me._

_Was he serious? He was going to growl at me and throw Bella in my face when all I wanted was a little bit of fucking peace. I ran faster to catch up with him._

_**Well, would she. **__He asked again._

_A growl welled up in my chest, and my teeth snarled at him.__** How am I the bad guy?**_

_**I just don't think she would understand. You need her, Jacob. You're not the same.**__ He almost whimpered out the last part._

_That's it. I had about all I could take. Did he not understand that I wasn't proud of what I did? I just needed 30 minutes to myself without Bella haunting my memories._

_**Hah. 30 minutes…**__Jared chuckled._

_**Fuck you. You're just jealous. You wouldn't have lasted 2 seconds. **__I jokingly growled._

_**You're not the same, Jacob. **__Embry called me out._

_**Would you be?**__ I honestly asked._

_No answer._

_**Go after her, Jacob. Go find her. You can leave the rez for a week or so. Just…go find her. Tell her you're sorry…**_

_A mountain of anger rumbled inside of me. __**She fucking left me. She broke up with me. Why should I apologize? Why should I run to her with my tail between my legs apologizing for something that is out of my control? She's the one who left. She fucked me over. Not the other way around. Don't bring this up again. Got it? If you don't want to come to the pack's parties, then don't. Go spend your time with Sam. **_

_**Leave me out of this. **__Sam growled in my thoughts._

_**But, what about Bella…**__ Embry began to think._

_**Leave it.**_

So, I had been the start of the partying, and the girls. Our reputation wasn't affected much. Most of the rez didn't even know what was going on. So, I took the blame for any drama that happened, but it rarely did. However, over the past year and a half, the amount of women and partying increased. I'm not sure why it happened. Maybe word got around town how us Quilete's party. I had to say that I did a good _job_ each and _every_ time.

God, I was a prick – a huge giant fucking jackass. Bella deserved better than me, but I knew what she needed rested inside of me. I just needed to learn to balance the two. I don't think I'll ever be able to overcome the shear blow I'd been hit with when Bella left, but I could try. Couldn't I?

I waited to hear the gurgle of the prick inside of me, but nothing came. Nothing.

"Are you ok," Bella asked – a question left lingering in the back of her throat.

"What do you mean," I dropped my other knee to rest beside of the other.

"You just seem to be lost in thought. I thought for a second you'd forgotten I was here," she quietly whispered. I knew there was more meaning to the question. I just had to figure out a way to answer it both truthfully and completely.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and looked up to her porcelain face. She was still absolutely beautiful, and absolutely what I wanted. Who was I kidding - she was what I needed. But, I was apprehensive to just let her back into my life. It was so easy to let her slide in the first time. Partly because I was way too elated to have her spending time with me, and partly because I never thought she'd leave. Boy, was I naïve.

So, yes, I was ok in a sense. I'd managed to not kill anyone, keep my father from being shred to death by my uneven temper, and I'd gotten laid more times than I could count. I was ok, but I'm sure she wouldn't want to hear all of that. I did need to tell her though. _Eventually._

Right now, was I ok? I don't know. No, I wasn't ok with the fact that she just wanted to walk right back into my life like nothing happened. However, yes, I was ok with the fact that she was here. I didn't know where we would go from here, or what we would be. I knew I loved her more than anything in this world, and I knew I missed the hell out of her. I also knew that my life wasn't complete without her. And all of that scared the shit out of me.

_Pussy._ I heard myself think. I needed to grow some balls.

"Yes and no," I spoke as kindly as I could.

She raised a curious look at me. "How can you be both yes and no?"

"Bells," I said standing up and taking a seat on the side of the table. My hands grasped on to it as if it was going to levitate underneath me. I stared at the ceramic tile above the sink. I couldn't possibly look at her while I was saying this.

"Yes, I'm ok."

_No that wasn't right._

"I _was_ ok," I corrected.

"But you're not now?" I heard the break in her voice.

"Not really." My response came out as a breath that I had been holding in.

"I should go," she shuffled out of her chair.

I didn't dare turn around. I didn't want to watch her walk out of my life again. And I couldn't watch her walk out of my life again – even with my back turned. The dick inside of myself rolled his eyes at me while I turned around. Bella was half way to my bedroom. I suppose she was going after her coat and purse. I took a few strides behind her and stopped in the doorway just as she entered.

Her body stopped - rigid with memories. She was now apprehensive. I glanced around the room trying to make sure there was no evidence – like a hot pink lacey bra hanging on the door knob of my closet.

_That dumbass fucking blonde._

I don't know if Bella saw it, and a part of me didn't care if she did or not. She had no claim over me. At the same time, I was still a gentleman toward Bella. She didn't know _this_ part of me. I pushed passed her quickly headed toward my closet. I grabbed the bra. As fast as I could, I opened the closet door and tossed it in there. I reminded myself to knock the fuck out of whichever dick it was that defiled _our_ room with that slut's lingerie. Still facing the closet door, I snarled a quick growl to rid myself of the anger and turned back around.

Bella was glancing around my room. I wanted to know what she had seen – or thought she'd seen. I wanted to know what she was thinking. Her face was puzzled, but no worry was lingering. Hopefully, she hadn't just seen that.

"What are you thinking about?" My voice was a little hoarse from the growl I'd let erupt from me.

"I…," she began to speak. I began to prepare myself for the worst. "It's…"

_Yeah. She probably saw that._

"Everything is exactly the same."

_Oh._

"Uh. Yeah," I rubbed the back of my head with my hand. I looked at the floor, the bed, and my dresser. The top drawer was still slightly ajar. I knew what was in that drawer, but she didn't. Before she could take another step into my room, I looked quickly around – paying attention to every detail. Hopefully, I didn't look like I was looking for something. I strode across the floor and to the dresser. Acting like I was going to tidy it up a bit, I slid a few DVD cases into the top drawer and closed it. I glanced at her through the corner of my eye.

"I didn't really. I couldn't…well," I was getting frustrated with the words. They weren't coming out. I sighed. "I just couldn't, ya know?"

I raised my eyebrows at her, but kept my stare on her face. I couldn't look into her eyes.

"Yeah," she mumbled.

It was silent for a while. Bella walked around my room running her tiny hands over anything that stood still. Her eyes drifting in and out of present. I'm sure she was remembering every memory that still lived in this room. My stomach was clenching in on itself, and my knees felt wobbly. Just having her in here again, it felt right. This all felt right. I held my breath as the tears began to build up. I just needed to sit down.

I sat on the edge of my bed while she continued her trip back to memory lane. I tried to watch her face whenever I realized she was lost in the middle of a memory. There were a couple of times when her cheeks would tinge with a crimson blush that caused me to have to swallow the lump in my throat. She remembered _those_ times too. I laid back on my bed – firmly pressing my feet to the floor.

I heard her footsteps getting closer. I turned my head to see her watching me. I gave her a sweet smile. She looked like an angel. She twirled the end of her chestnut hair around her finger. Her other hand was down at her side – firmly pressed there like she was trying to not touch everything in here. She gave me a weak smile back – which still made my heart nearly jump out of my chest and then she glanced up to the window seal.

I tilted my head back to see what she was looking at and felt a singe of embarrassment run through me. A picture frame lay face down, and next to it sat a bottle of strawberry lotion. I cringed and ran a hand over my face. I'm sure I was blushing.

"Strawberry lotion, Jake?" she was shocked. "Since when did you use strawberry lotion?"

I managed to peak at her through my fingers. On her face lingered another question, but I wasn't sure what it was. I didn't want to let her mind wonder any further than it had. I was afraid that maybe she'd figured it out, but a sad crease appeared above her brow.

I guess I was going to have to answer her. Who knows what she was thinking?

"Uh yeah," I reached for it and dropped propped it up on my chest. "It reminds me of uhh…" I stopped. This was a little too embarrassing even for the ass I'd turned into. "The way you smell."

The sad crease eased as soon as she heard those words. I closed my eyes when she asked another question. "You got lotion to remind you of me?" She was sad again. Her voice trailed off into a whisper.

Seriously? I was going to have to explain to my ex-girlfriend that I bought a bottle of strawberry lotion to jack off with, so I wouldn't forget how she smelled? Karma was seriously biting me in the ass. My face was probably as red as it has ever been. I sighed, and dropped the lotion on the side of the bed. "Yes," I almost barked out. I wanted her to shut up, but she wasn't going to. Hell, she probably thought I had a girlfriend, and it was hers, and I was trying to cover for her.

_So let her think that._ The dick inside of me ached to be let free, but I couldn't do that. Not to Bella. So, I explained it as vaguely as I could

"You know…for those…uhm…_lonely _nights," I almost sounded like I was whining. I bent my arm over my eyes. I was a _fool._

"Oh," she squeaked out. I didn't look to see if she was blushing. I didn't care. I just wanted to stop.

Why was I blushing in the first place? She knew I was a man. She knew I had needs. This wasn't karma biting me in the ass. It was biting her. She was getting what she deserved – every last little embarrassing bit of it. And, did she really care if I jacked off with lotion that smelled like her when she'd begged to watch me do it before? My jeans tightened a bit. I swallowed hard to keep the memory at bay.

It didn't work.

_She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth, and trailed circles on my neck with her fingers. I closed my eyes and inhaled rather deeply. She honestly had no idea what she was doing to me. I pulled the sheet over my mid section. My arm snaked around her body with a mind of its own. I pulled her tightly against me. Her cheeks flushed with lust. Her pouty lips seemed to become just a little pinker just the way her nipples did after I'd rolled them between my fingers. She groaned a soft groan – her eyes fluttering shut. I slid my hand up the back of her tank top letting my fingers graze her skin ever so lightly. _

_ Bella and I had been sleeping together for quite some time now. I guess it was about four months after we were officially an item that we actually had sex. We had done plenty of other sex like things before then, but the first time we made love. It was euphoric to say the least although she was inexperienced, and I had only minor experience. Since Bella had come back to Forks, I hadn't been with anyone else, but before she came, I was still a teenage boy with lots of hormones, and plenty of willing girls. I'd only had sex twice before Bella and I slept together, and it had been nothing like what I'd experienced with other girls. And now was no different. She liked the fact that I had a little more experience than she did. _

_ I was withdrawn from my thoughts when her lips kissed my neck tenderly. She kissed it once more before lifting up and kissing my lips again. The hand that was resting behind her head was now pressing her face into mine. My tongue worked its way into her mouth. Her tiny tongue did wonders to anything it touched. I was getting harder with every swift lick of her tongue to mine. She drove me absolutely insane, and all she had to do was kiss me. I slid my hand from her back around to her stomach, slowly and intentionally teasing the bottom of her breast. I lightly grazed my fingers over her already hard nipple. _

_ Bella's lips parted mine and she whimpered a moan breathily against my lips. I loved making her groan and buck against me. She was entirely too sexy. I kissed her chin, then her neck. Her hands travled down my stomach reaching as far as they could. She whimpered when she found her hand was just out of reach of my dick. I shifted myself up just a bit causing her hand to slide over the head of me. I groaned lightly, and bit my bottom lip._

_ Her lips found mine. She coaxed my tongue into her mouth. I loved the way she tasted so sweet. Bella rocked her body almost shyly begging for me to touch her. My hands kneaded and massaged her breast, but I knew she wanted more. She needed more. I began to slide my hand down her stomach. She breathed loudly into my mouth causing a dizzy haze to engulf both of us. My hand reached the top of her panties, and I stopped. She loved it when I teased her. And I loved teasing her. Her hips rocked toward my hand. _

_ My hand dove down the front of her cotton panties – across her shaved mound and between her tiny thighs. I pressed my hand against her and felt the wetness almost seep into my hand. I needed to touch her – to feel her cum with my help. I slipped a finger tip in the edge of her panties, but she pulled away._

_ "Mmm," she whimpered. "Nn…Can…just." _

_ Her words didn't make sense. I tried again. This time her hand caught mine. She laced her fingers through mine so that my hand was on top of hers. _

_ "Bells," I whispered. Was I doing it wrong all this time?_

_ "Just…" she moaned. _

_ But I wasn't doing anything. I felt my hand moving, but I couldn't feel the warmth of her folds. I glanced down. Her small hand slowly rubbed herself. My fingers would graze the wetness of her panties every now and then causing a rumble in my chest. She was bucking her hips now. They ground into our hands. She let go of my hand. I steadied it as she slid her hand inside of her panties._

_ "I love watching you touch yourself, Bella," I incoherently whispered. She was so beautiful as she pleased herself. Her face would crease with tension and then ease with pleasure. Her lips pushed together would part as sparse breathes escaped her._

_ "Take your panties off, Bella," I needed to see more. I had to see her hand rubbing the tiny clit of hers. I needed to see her actually please herself without the restriction of her panties. She only moaned and glanced into my eyes. Her eye lids were heavy with lust and its almost as if she spoke to me through them._

_ "Take them off for me," she let out a long moan and stopped rubbing herself long enough to lift her ass from the bed. I swiftly pulled her panties away from her pink folds. God, she was so beautiful. My dick was throbbing and begging for attention. _

_ "Are you watching me, Jake," her words were sparse with breath and slow soft moans._

_ "Yes," I huskily drew out the word. My cock twitched – restricted in the grey material of my boxer briefs. I groaned at the thought of her sliding up and down my shaft - her warm wetness spilling onto my thighs. _

_ "Do you like watching me," she almost sang out with a moan. "I like it when you watch me." _

_ "Mmm," I rumbled. "I love watching you."_

_ "Do you want_ _to touch yourself?" _

_ I did. I wanted to stroke myself as I watched her rub tiny circles over her clit. I rested my hand on the ever growing erection. I growled. "Yes."_

_ "Touch yourself, Jake. For me," her pleasure was causing her teeth to chatter. She arched her back and watched me through the corner of her eyes. I put my hand inside of my underwear and grabbed on tightly. _

_ "Mm..yeah, Jake….Oh god Jake. Jake…" she was bucking her hips harder now. She was on the brink of cumming. And I'd just started. She wasn't going to get off that easy. I groaned into her ear._

_ "Don't cum yet, Bells. Wait for me," I licked her ear lobe and brought it into my mouth. She hissed and slowed her pace. Her lips frantically found mine. I pulled her bottom lip in and sucked ever so softly. I nipped at it before I let it go, and she pulled my tongue into her mouth. Her lips quickly closed around it, and she sucked at it like she was blowing me. The tip of her tongue lightly teasing the tip of mine._

_ I groaned into her mouth when she freed my tongue. I continued stroking myself for her as she watched intently. Her fingers dove in and out of her. I could smell her sweet arousal. She was on the edge again. Two of her fingers slammed hard against her mound. She was beautiful. Perfect._

_ "Take them off," she ordered. I did as she asked and found myself more turned on than I ever had been in my life. I stroked myself for her quickly when she asked me to do so, and I slowed down when she wanted me to wait._

_ "Oh god…oh…" she sucked a few breaths in. Her hand flicking away at her clit. I grabbed myself as tight as I could. "Faster, Jake." She begged me. _

"_Oh god, Bella. I'm gonna…" I felt myself on the brink of exploding onto her thighs, her mound, her stomach. My dick was throbbing and I was stroking it as hard and as fast as I could just like she had asked. _

"_Please, Jake. Please," she whimpered._

"_Bella," I grunted feeling myself tighten just a little more. "I…God…Ah…"_

"_Jake…Jake…"_

"Jake!" Bella smacked my stomach.

I snapped out of the thought I was having. I swallowed thickly – hoping that I hadn't mumbled some clue as to what I was thinking about. "Yeah." I felt a familiar throbbing between my legs. I rolled my eyes. This was just something I'd do.

"You just kind of glazed over for a second," she looked uncomfortable.

"Oh, yeah, sorry about that," I cleared my throat and sat up. I shifted so that I could be more comfortable and a little less hard. "Memories, ya know?"

"Yeah, I know. This place is full of them," she smiled and then it faded away.

"Definitely. At least you don't have to live with them every single day," my tongue was faster than my brain. I didn't mean for it to come out like that. I just…well, that _is_ what I meant.

"I wish you didn't have to," she whispered. "I wish I had never…"

My heart broke into a million pieces. She wished she never met me. I was right to be a dick. I was right to act like an ass. I felt a bubble of anger form in my stomach. Why would she say that? If she hadn't met me, then she'd be dead on the side of the road somewhere. So much for trying to fix things and giving us a try._ Maybe -_ a part of me reminded.

"Left," she finished just above a whisper.

To say I was dumbfounded was speaking minimally. I was completely in shock. Sure, I figured she'd regret leaving me someday. Something about her saying it made it all seem so sad and so real. She had left, though. There was nothing she could do about that now. I felt a tiny bit of pressure on my knee. I glanced down to see Bella's petite hand resting there. My insides screamed. Would this misery ever end?

I was torn. Again. I wanted to do whatever I could to help her, to not make her feel like she was the worst person on the planet. However, she deserved it. She should feel bad. She did this. She tore us apart. She's the one who jeopardized everything just so she could be out in the world somewhere. I couldn't blame her. If I had the choice, I'd probably leave for a little while too. There was one thing I just didn't understand though.

"Then why did you," I questioned.

I needed the answer. It would change everything if she could just answer it.

"I…" she began, but stopped.

After a few minutes of silence, I tore my eyes from her hand. Her face was lost in thought. Had she never thought about this before? Did she even think about the questions I'd have?

"Jake," Bella breathed. "Walking away from you was the hardest most ignorant thing I could have done. I can't take it back. I can't make you forgive me. I did what I did. There's no right way to explain it to you."

"Then just explain it," I begged her. "Just tell me why you left. Was it because you didn't want me anymore?"

"No," she abruptly responded. She looked offended.

"Did you not love me?" I didn't know that I wanted to actually hear the answer to that question.

Her face reddened. "Don't ever, ever ask me that again." Her eyes pierced mine with anger. "That is by far the dumbest question I've ever heard in my life, Jacob." Her words spat at me.

"Well," I defended myself. "Then, tell me _why._"

"Jake," she exhaled an irritated sigh.

"No, you don't get to be angry with me," I growled. "You're the one who left. You're the one who ripped me to shreds. You're the one who said I didn't have what you wanted."

I hoped my words hurt her just as much as she'd hurt me. Fuck. I could not hold this all in anymore. There was too much anger. This was too much for one person – let alone werewolf – to deal with.

"Do you realize what you said to me, Bella? Do you? You told me that I didn't…that I wasn't…I couldn't…offer you anything. That me, my love, our love wasn't enough for you. You basically castrated me right there, Bells. You took away who I was. I was not anything without you." I dictated my feelings to her in sharp pointed words that I knew would sting her in the places it hurt me the most. She needed to hurt too.

I lost it. Tears flew out of my eyes. So, that was that. I laid my heart right out there for her, _again._ I was so tired of holding myself the slightest bit sane. And now that she was here, she could hold some of the burden. She _should_ bare it. I bit my lip. Her eyes were terrified of me, but I no longer cared. This was as raw as it would get tonight. I simply could not handle anything else. I was nothing without her then, and I am nothing without her now. Bella would never understand, because she'd always want more. More was less than I could offer her. I would never be good enough for her.

"I'll never be good enough for you, will I Bella? I am _nothing_ without you, and that isn't enough. It isn't enough that the air that I breathe is for you. My whole reason for being here in this life – right now – is for you. Why doesn't that matter to you?"

Where was this coming from? And why couldn't I have said it the day that she left? Why didn't I run to the airplane and say those exact words to her?

"Do you know that I was there…the day you left?" I raised my eyebrows. She refused to break her eyes from mine.

"At the airport," she nervously asked.

"Yes. God Damnit, Bella…"

That's when I broke. I shattered. I crumbled. Everything inside of me fell to pieces. I was crying so hard that my shoulders were heaving up and down. My vision completely blurred with tears. I sobbed like a baby. I let go of it all. The fault was no longer mine. I could not walk around with that burden anymore.

I'd never love anyone like I loved Bella, because my heart was still in her tiny human hands. She still held on to it, but I wasn't sure why. It was pure torture. You know how people say you never get over your first true love, well it was true. I would never get over her, because I simply refused to love anyone else but her.

Even right now, with all of this happening, I still loved her with every inch of my being. Every part of me was screaming with love for her. I just wished that could be enough. I prayed that it would be enough. I wanted her to look at me and just tell me that I was wrong. That I was good enough for her. I wanted her to come back down from wherever she had been and just realize that we could make it work…if she could only see that I was good enough for her.

And I don't know why I went to the airport when she left. I told her the day she broke up with me that it would break me if I watched her walk away. I told her that I couldn't just watch her walk away and let it happen, but I had. I did. Everyone told me not to go. Even Sam. He knew it was too much. He knew if I saw her get on that plane, then I'd finally have to see the truth. And the truth was that I could not offer what she needed. Not then, and most definitely not now.

"You're wrong, you know," she stated warmly.

I looked at her face. I mean really looked at her face, but she wasn't in pain. There was a hint of regret and submission to my heart breaking rant. She knew that it was true, but I had been wrong again. I was always wrong with Bella. Always so very wrong.

"How can I be wrong, Bella? That is what you told me," I whispered. The memories crashing into me again. I felt my soul bleeding.

"You are enough for me. You were enough for me, but I was too blind to see it. I had to go, Jake. I had to see what the world had to offer. There was no way that I could be the woman you needed me to be by staying here in Forks for the rest of my life. I had to grow up. I had to learn my lessons, so that, I could be what you needed, Jake," tears were welling up in the edges of her eyes.

So, she wasn't enough for me. What that how it worked now?

"How could you possibly think that? You've always been enough," I angrily chewed on the words.

"I was enough for you, Jacob. Yes, but I wasn't what you needed. I needed to be protected. I needed to be watched and loomed over. I needed constant attention," she spoke her words carefully. Her tears dripped out of her eyes and onto the floor.

Maybe she was right.

"You needed someone who could take care of you after you'd gone out patrolling. You needed a woman that had it all together. You needed experience in life. You needed someone to watch over you. You needed a companion, not a baby," Bella's arm wrapped around her waist, and she rested her chin on her palm. Her tears still hit the floor instead of her cheeks. She _had_ thought about this_._

At that moment, I realized that maybe I was wrong over the years. I sighed deeply. I had to rethink everything. I had to. If that's what she really thought, then I had to. Maybe this could work.

"Jake," she asked.

"Yeah," I looked up through teary eyes. Her eyes were red, puffy, and bloodshot.

"Do you still love me," she asked almost ashamed of the question.

That pissed me off. I started to shake. My teeth gritted under the pressure of my flexing jaw. I narrowed my eyes at her. My breath came quick and shallow. I did not understand how she could ask that. There was no way in hell that I did not love this beautiful, sweet, elegant woman sitting next to me, but somehow she thought I didn't. Couldn't she see that I loved her? I had let her back into my home with one phone call after two years of merely 12 texts. I had to love her. My soul was not complete without hers.

"How can you ask that," my voice squeaked out - an almost unrecognizable sound.

"It's just…that…well, you just have this difference in you."

_So, she had seen it._

"I told you everything wasn't the same before you came." I reminded her.

"You didn't answer me." She pleaded me with her eyes.

"Of course, I still love you, Bella," I whispered. My hand touched her face very lightly. I swiped a tear from her eye with my thumb and then traced a small circle on her cheek. I let my hand drop and scooted just a bit closer. "You are everything to me."

"Still?" She asked.

"Still." I promised. "Do you love me?"

My eyes had dried up. Small tears still brimmed on the edge of hers, but a peace and softness came about her face. My stomach filled with knots.

"I am in still in love with you," she whispered ever so lightly that if I wasn't a werewolf, I was sure I would not be able to hear her.

My heart began to beat again. I closed my eyes heavily, then opened them to look directly into hers.

"There's still a lot you don't know about, Bella," I tenderly spoke. She needed the truth, but not tonight. Not right now. "But we'll discuss that later."

"I know there's a lot left to be said, Jake. I do. I don't expect you to let me leap back into your life. I want to do this right. I want to make it work. I never should have left you, Jake. You are exactly what I need," she reached her hand across the gap between us and touched my face.

Her hand seemed cold against my skin. Her fingers trailed the line of my jaw. I closed my eyes trying to relish every sensation she was giving me. I'd give her anything right now. I was still putty in her hands. Her fingertips touched the edge of my lip. I opened my eyes to see she was much closer than she was before. I gently wrapped an arm around her waist. Her eyelids were heavy as she stared down to my lips. I glanced at hers – wondering if she still tasted the same. Did they still feel the same? I just wanted to feel them against mine. I knew that she loved me, but I needed to feel it again. But this wasn't the right time for that.

I dropped my head and kissed her palm gently. Bella looked worried and questioned my dismissal of what she was trying to do. So, I explained it to her as nicely as I could.

"This," I pointed my finger back and forth between us, "This doesn't change anything right now, Bells. There is still so much that has to be fixed. There are things you wouldn't believe. I just don't want to…push it any further than needed."

"Okay," she nodded dropping her hand.

"It's not that I don't want to. I do," I tried to convince her, but she just smiled.

"Hey, listen, I understand. I do. I'm not going to freak out on you, okay?"

I nodded my head and stifled a yawn. It was late. I was tired.

"It's late. You should sleep," she whispered. Grabbing her purse and jacket from the edge of the bed, she stood. "I should go."

I didn't want her to leave. Not after she'd come back into my life. I knew she'd have to go to Charlie's soon enough, but where was she going to stay tonight?

"Where are you staying?"

"Uhh….good question," she mumbled looking slightly embarrassed.

"Well, you can stay here," I smiled lightly at her. I really didn't mind.

"It's not what I had in mind, Jake. I just didn't think about it. I don't want to make it any harder on you that it already has been."

"No, I insist," I pulled her down to the bed. "Please don't make me beg."

"Alright," she eyed the bed. "Where are you sleeping?"

My eyes were getting heavy. I gloomily glanced at Bella. Hers were too. "Does it really matter where we sleep?"

"No," she hummed tossing her things in the floor.

I lifted my t-shirt over my head and dropped it to the floor. Bella quietly watched me as I unzipped and dropped my jeans to my knees. I stood only long enough to slide them off of my feet. She gazed at me without hesitation. She was bolder than she used to be. The old Bella would have blushed and glanced around the room, but now, she didn't mind that I knew she liked watching me. I flashed hera smile, and crawled in between the sheets.

This may not have been the best idea in the world, but I didn't care. Sleeping in this bed alone was painful. Even if it was just one more night, I needed to hold her again. I needed to feel her frame against mine. I needed to hear the rise and fall of her breath as she drifted to sleep. Tonight, I wouldn't have to worry about sleeping lightly, because she'd be here. I wouldn't need to worry if I had missed her come back to me through my loud and obnoxious snoring. Tonight, I could finally rest.

As I was losing my train of thought, I watched as Bella slipped out of her pants, and lifted the shirt from around her – revealing a silk lacy tank top underneath. I bit back a groan, and if I hadn't been so tired, I probably would have bitched at myself for not allowing her to kiss me when she had wanted to. I'd be regretting it right about now if I wasn't falling into a deep peaceful sleep. My breathing became drawn out and deep. I felt the bed's weight shift ever so lightly. The familiar feel of her arms slipped around my waist and her sweet scent washed over me. Tonight I didn't need to worry about the ghost of her. She was here.

My Bella was here.


	7. Ringing in My Head

**Note & Warning:** **Do I still need to say it? Really. You should just expect it by now. It'll happen. You know it will. **_Maybe. _I knew that I wanted this chapter to happen, and I knew that I wanted Bella's prospective to be heard._ Again._ Bella is actually really hard for me to write, but I try. Anyway, this is short. It's supposed to be. It's just a glimpse. _Oh! You can thank the winter wonderland outside for this update! _Oh Oh Oh…I updated the Author's Note at the beginning to include the soundtrack and lyrics to "I Told You So". Easier than my profile page being cluttered with that. Whenever, I add a song to the play list, I'll post it here in the chapter note, and then it'll be added to the list on the Author's Note. By the way, I added a song to the playlist. It's Rascal Flatts – How Strong Are You Now. _And…I forgot something else, thank you very much to each and every one of you who give me reviews._ I love them and they really encourage me. I try to reply back to each of you with, and if I haven't then..I'm sorry! Here's your shout out. Hah. Okay, I know…shut up. You wanna read what's going to happen. I get it. Screw the author, it's all about the characters. Just kidding! =)

"_I told you so, but you had to go  
Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again"_

**Bella**

The weight shifted in the bed causing me to be unwillingly pulled out of my peaceful much needed sleep. My ears rang with frustration, but I couldn't will my eyes to open. It didn't matter that if they opened, they'd see Jake's beautifully sculpted face. My body didn't care, because I'd finally got to feel him. For the first time in a long time, I was satisfied.

The ringing kept getting louder. I really did not want to wake up. My body was reacting weirdly to Jake moving around in bed. His arm that was so perfectly wrapped around my waist lifted. My skin chilled at the distance he'd put between our skin. His body was neatly tucked behind me. It had been so long since I had spooned with Jake. My body never really molded well with anyone else. That ringing was getting rather annoying.

The ringing just kept getting louder. I didn't care if there was a fire or if the world was ending. I was not going to be ripped out of this very peaceful place I'd found myself. Jacob began to mumble incoherently as the ringing got louder. I heard the night stand behind his bed rattle as he smacked it. Apparently, he wasn't getting up either. Maybe the ringing was the alarm clock. I groaned.

But, the ringing didn't stop when Jake slapped whatever it was he slapped on his night stand. His body rolled away from mine leaving just one arm under my head to keep me comfort. The bed moved more, but this time it didn't shift all at once. Instead, it slowly moved. I heard the ring again. I wasn't getting up, and I didn't want him to get up either. I pressed myself into the bed – hopefully pinning his arm between me and the bed.

One more ring came, and then I heard a tiny intelligible beep. Jake grumbled again. His voice was scruffy with sleep. He was whispering something. I could barely hear him. I didn't care what he was saying as long as the ringing trying to wake me stopped. I sat still for a moment waiting to hear the mysterious ring again.

Nothing.

_Hmph. I guess he found the mysterious culprit._

"How'd you get this number," I heard him grumble.

_Number? Was he on the phone_?

Silence.

God, now was not the time for him to talk in his sleep. I just needed a few more hours, but then it dawned on me. The ringing hadn't been an alarm clock trying to steal me away from Jake's embrace. It was the phone, and Jake was none too happy to be speaking with whoever was on the other line. The bed shifted gently again. The arm that was comforting me was gone in a split second. I moaned inside of my head. _No._

"Look, don't call here again, okay?"

Jacob sounded irritated. His voice was still groggy, but rang with aggravation.

"Yeah, I found it."

Silence.

"No."

More silence.

"Why'd you leave it here anyway?"

More silence – que irritating butterflies in my stomach.

"Not really. Look, I can't…." he stopped. "Do this right now." He whispered lighter than he'd been.

"Don't you listen?" Jacob growled.

Whoever he was speaking with completely and utterly agitated him, but who could it be? I mean who calls in the middle of the night. Oh, that's right, werewolves. I rolled my eyes behind my eyelids.

"No, you can't come get it. You're not coming here." He firmly expressed.

"Will you just get the picture and realize I want nothing to do with you?" Jacob's voice loudened.

Oh. _Oh._ It was…_not_ a member of the pack. That part was obvious, but who could it be. I mean, I'd asked him if he still loved me. He told me he did. Jacob wouldn't say that to me if he had someone else. Right? _Right?_ Unless, when I called to ask him if I could come back, he'd had a _visitor_ and he _broke up_ with this _visitor_ just after that. Maybe that's why I found his cell phone outside. Maybe Jake had kicked his _visitor_ out. I suppose that's who owned that pink lacey bra on the closet door – that he tried to hide from me – and that's who he was covering for with the strawberry lotion. He did look rather…_surprised_ when I asked him about it.

My stomach must have turned inside out, because suddenly I was completely nauseous. I felt dizzy. The bed was dropping from beneath me. The only thing that kept me from heaving my dinner on Jacob's bed was the fact that it was _Jacob's bed._

"Jake," I tried to speak. It only came out like an irritated, squeeble of a word.

I felt his body stiffen on the bed. He was definitely caught by surprise. Was he planning on telling me about this? I just didn't know. _My_ Jacob would have, but _this_ Jacob probably wouldn't. How long would this go on?

_Oh god. I was the_ _other woman._

"Listen," he spoke through his teeth silently. His words drew out with his breathe. "Do not come over here. I can't tell you why. Just…"

Silence.

"Well, I can't at the _moment."_

More revolting silence. I cringed. Why had I come back again?

"Look, just be quiet alright? And don't say anything. I…don't know…what's going to happen. Really. And don't ask one fucking question."

I pretended to be asleep just in case he was watching me. I tried to hide any sign of me being well aware of this conversation.

"Oh. You're…here?" He was surprised, shocked, and completely pissed off. "Fuck. Alright. Just…give me a minute, okay?"

The bed's weight shifted greatly. He must have stood up. The floor creaked, and then stopped. The sound of a door creaked open and jerked me to reality. He was having someone come here? There was _someone_ here right _now?_

Maybe if I just pretended to sleep, then I would wake up in the morning and it would all be a distant dream. Yeah. I'll just pretend to sleep. Another door opened. This time a flash of light spread into the bedroom. I tried to keep my face as still as possible.

"Who is that?" a shrill voice squeaked into my ears. The door shut quickly.

So, I was right. Jacob had a _girlfriend_ that he didn't tell me about – that I didn't ask about, and now I was the _other woman._ Oh, how had my life had made a glorious turn at the go get yourself screwed corner? I secretly hoped that he could handle us both, because if she made him happy, and he wanted to spend time with me, then I could handle that. I could be the _other woman._ I was willing to do that for Jacob.

_Wait, what? Was I serious? Holy hell, what did he do to me in the last few hours? Of course I couldn't be the other woman. He'd just have to break up with her – if he hadn't already. Unless…_

Was he in love with her? My throat was closing in on itself. I could not be with Jake if he loved someone else. I needed him all or nothing. I needed him 100%. He was my everything – even when I was – or thought I was – in love with Elijah.

And then it hit me.

I was a _hypocrite_.


	8. Don't Be Too Hard

**Note & Warning:**You guys can thank God or the snow storm outside (whichever) that has trapped me in my house until it melts for these updates. Without God or the snow storm, they would not happen. **And do I have to keep putting this here? Seriously. I guess I should just in case someone doesn't read the bold print. SEX. DRINKING. CUSSING. WEREWOLVES. **(YUM!)** Deal with it. **And we're back to the man himself….

"_I told you some day you come crawling back and asking me to take you in  
I told you so, but you have to go"_

**Jacob**

Peace. I finally had peace, and then the phone had to ring. No one could leave me alone for one evening – just one night was all I was asking for. I just wanted one night alone with Bella. Granted, no one knew she was here, but still, they all knew something was up when I told them to get out. Quil, well, he pretty much knew exactly what was happening. I didn't have to explain it. He just knew. So, why didn't he tell everyone else to leave me alone? But, no, no, no. They were calling in the middle of the night for some unknown reason. They obviously had a death wish.

I tried my best to not wake Bella as I grabbed the phone. I even covered the speaker with my hand when I pushed the answer button, because I knew it beeped. I, seriously, needed to grow a pair.

"Whoever this is. It better be good," I grumbled barely getting my voice to come out.

"Hi Jake," a soft female voice sprang through the receiver.

"Who is this?"

I honestly had no idea who was calling. If I wasn't half asleep, I would have checked the caller ID. But I was. The voice was all too familiar though. I knew I had heard it before. I sat up slightly in the bed only to find my arm stuck firmly under Bella's head. I smiled at her sleeping body. The moon was shining through my bedroom window casting a soft glow on her pale skin.

"Oh, c'mon, Jake, you know who this is…_hiccup_," the voice giggled.

Fantastic. I had a drunk, ignorant blonde calling my house in the middle of the night, and for what? To tell me how I tasted. Like I really gave a flying fuck. Whichever one of those pricks gave her my number was going to get it in human or wolf form. I didn't care.

"How'd you get this number," I demanded. As gently and as quickly as I could, I pulled my arm from underneath Bella. I turned my back to the sleeping beauty in my bed, and gritted my teeth.

_Hiccup._ "I…well…it's. Hey what's your name, again cutie," she snapped her bubble gum in the receiver. "Oh. Yeah. Embry. It's Embry's phone. _Hiccup. _They wouldn't give me the number. I kept annoying them until they called you. It's so nice of him isn't it?" _Hiccup._

Well, she was obviously still drunk and still annoying. Embry, however, was on my shit list for the rest of eternity. I don't care if he was trying to pry himself away from her paws – no pun intended. He didn't need to let her call me. He shouldn't have called me. Frustrated, I ran my hand across my face. This wasn't going to be a fun conversation.

"Here…he wants to…_hiccup…_talk to you. Hold on." _Hiccup. Hiccup._

"Jake…man, I'm really," Embry spoke into the phone. The dampened sound of lips smacking echoed in my ear. "Stop. Listen. Just wait until I get off the phone." Embry was beginning to sound aggravated. "Dude, this…_girl_…will not shut up about you."

"Look, don't call here again, okay?" I flexed my jaws in pure aggravation.

"Dude, do you…alright…hold on a second. She want's to ask…She wants me to ask you something," he paused almost waiting for me to hang up. I figured as long as I amused this little twit for just a few minutes, then I could get her to leave me alone.

Second by second, I was getting more agitated.

"Hey Jake. It's me again. _Hiccup._ Did you find my bra?" She whispered the last part in a slur of words. I suppose she was trying to be sexy. It didn't faze me. I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, I found it." I confirmed. I'm sure she thought I was turned on by her leaving her bra here. It took a little more than that to get me started.

"Did it make you hard to know that I left it in your room," she giggled then hiccupped.

"No." Sloppy blondes, late night phone calls, and hot pink bras were apparently a death wish for Embry. If he knew what was best for him, he would take the phone right now and hang it up.

"Sorry about that, man. I couldn't help but let her titties free when you were on the phone with…" his words stopped short of her name.

"Why'd you leave it here anyway," I was genuinely a little curious – frustrated and annoyed – but curious.

"He wants to know why…oh hell…I'm putting you on speaker phone. Hold on."

The phone beeped in my ear. Embry was apparently too drunk to work his own cell phone. Not too long after the _conversation_ we had during the practice run, Embry had come around with the idea of partying. I'm sure he still felt the same way. He knew I was supposed to be with Bella. Hell, I knew I was supposed to be with Bella. We never really discussed it. That wasn't the issue. But, that argument really put a stake between Embry and me.

"Fuck. No. Don't touch that. God damnit. Stop for a second," Embry huffed slurring his words. "Alright, go ahead…" I really wish he wouldn't edge her on

"Hey Jake. So, did you…do you…do you want to see me again," she chatted controlling her hiccups..

"Not really. Look, I can't," I glanced over my shoulder at Bella to make sure she was still sleeping. Her face scrunched. I whispered softly and pointedly. Maybe, Embry would get the point. "Do. This. Right. Now."

"Aw man. C'mon. You know you need some cheering up. Titties, here, is more than willing to have a little fun with you, man. We've all kinda had a turn, but hey…" Embry rambled.

He wasn't getting it. I twitched my jaw together and growled. "Don't you listen?"

"What? Jacob what are you talking about man? Did something happen…hold on. Let me take you off of speaker phone." I heard the line go silent, a few shuffling feet, and then Embry breathe. "Dude, you alright? I don't remember much. I'm pretty wasted, man. I ain't gonna lie. Last thing I remember though is Bella calling and you making us all leave. I know I'm a little drunk right now, but man…you are being a little moody. It's like she…Wait. Did she? Fuck. Dude, I'm sorry," Embry's drunken haze finally cleared.

It must have clicked. He couldn't stop apologizing. I just waited for him to finish with his questions. There would be no answers tonight. I couldn't talk about Bella with her sleeping the bed next to me. As much as I wanted someone to talk to about this, I couldn't do it right now. "Dude, this bitch wants to know if we can come inside and get her bra?"

Embry's tone had completely changed. He was getting more annoyed with the blonde.

"No, you can't come here and get it!"

What the hell was he thinking?

"C'mon Jake. If you let me get it, then you can finally have a piece of my ass. Wouldn't that feel so good, Jake. Hmm. I bet you'd love to fu.." I couldn't take it anymore. She was royally pissing me off.

"Will you just get the picture and realize that I want nothing to do with you," the loudness of my voice grew.

"Aww, Jake. You know you don't mean that. That's not what you said when I was on my knees in front of you. You know you want me, Jacob. You can't resist me for long. _Hiccup."_

_ "_Will you shut up?Give me the phone. God. Go sit down. Slut," Quil's voice rippled over the phone.

"Man, I can't believe they let her call. I'm sorry. I tried to tell them, but no they had to come here…"

"Jake," Bella's voice quietly echoed.

Surprised, I stopped moving. It was my first reaction. I held my breath. Was I breathing too loud? The last thing I wanted to do was disturb her, but I had. I turned around waiting to see stunned eyes staring at me. I'd have to explain everything that had happened, and then I'd never see her again. Quil's voice was still rambling on the other end of the phone. I couldn't tell what he was saying.

"They just kept saying. Nah, he won't mind if we come over, but I couldn't…"

"Look, do not come over here," I spoke through a clenched jaw. "I can't tell you why. Just…"

"You can tell me, Jacob. You know you can trust me. Just spill it dude, what happened? Or would you rather phase …?"

"Look, I can't at the _moment_," I tried to hint at the subject – just in case she was awake.

"Why?" Quil questioned.

"Bella's in there. That's why!" Embry screamed.

"Who's Bella?" _Hiccup._

"No fucking way, dude is she in there? Shit! Is everything okay? I mean is she coming back? Are you guys going to work this out? Man, I knew she'd come back, Jacob. It was just a matter of time!"

"Look, just be quiet alright? And don't say anything. I… don't know… what's going to happen."

"She's really in there?" Quil almost sounded hurt.

"Really. And don't ask one fucking question."

I needed to get off of the phone. I wanted to go back to sleep next to beautiful Bella, and never wake up.. I hadn't gotten to hold her in so long. And, it felt amazing. Even the dick side of me couldn't rebut the feeling it gave me. I knew this was right. Her body curved with mine perfectly. I watched her sleep so peacefully. I really did love her – through all of this.

"Man. She is in there. I didn't even pay attention to her truck in the yard. Dude, don't fuck this up," Quil rattled on.

Wait. What? How did he know that Bella's truck was in the yard?

"Oh. You're….here?" I pointed down. I couldn't even form the thoughts to put together a plausible threat. I was going to kill them all. "Fuck."

What was I supposed to do now? If I didn't give that blonde her bra back – maybe I'd throw it in her face – then she'd probably keep bugging me. Now, I couldn't have that happening. Obviously, I didn't want to go to jail for murder. There may have been a day or two where I would have taken that risk, but I couldn't now. God, my brothers were idiots.

"Fuck."

"Yeah. Dude, I'm sorry. Just get the skanks bra and we'll get her outta here," Quil sounded more apologetic by the word. "I swear."

"Alright. Just…" I looked back at Bella. Closing my eyes, I vowed I'd never do something as stupid as a this again. If it was true or not, who knows, but I'd at least try…for her. "Give me a second."

I threw my head back. Hung the phone up, and walked to the closet. I cursed with every foot step. I was a fucking moron, by all means. No one else had even bothered with a phone call the next morning. Not even one single text. This girl barely had my dick in her mouth for 10 minutes. She'd fucked the whole pack by now – minus Sam of course – but no, she had to have her stupid bra back. _Cunt._

I opened the bedroom door quickly casting a light across the bed where Bella lay. Everyone's attention drifted to the bed. Their faces all reflected the same look – disbelief. I'm sure that's what my face looked like when I first saw her. Everyone's face was the same, except for that dumbass blonde. She was mortified.

"Who's is that?" She squeaked a shrill that sounded like fingernails down a chalk board.

The door shut behind me. I nodded toward the door. Everyone followed the direction of my nod. Everyone except the blonde. God, she was really pushing my buttons. And I didn't even know her pointless name. She eyeballed me. Her mouth gapped out like I owed her some explanation. I threw her stupid bra at her.

"Outside."

She stood firmly on her ground and planted her hands on her hips.

"What the fuck? I told you to get out. Now, get the fuck out," my voice growled. I grabbed her arm – as gently but as firmly – as I could, and guided her to the door.

"But, Jake," she whined.

"I told you to not call me that. Now, just leave," I sighed.

"Who was that? Is that the tramp they were all talking about? Huh? Is that Bella?"

It took every bit of my self control and discipline that I'd learned over the years to not rip that bitches head off right there. My entire body was trembling. Chills were running down my spine. Her eyes bewildered at the sight of my body shaking in such a manner. I stepped out into the rain barely clothed. Quil, Embry, Jared, and Paul stepped in front of the dumbass. They weren't protecting her necessarily, but in a way, they were. They were only protecting our secret – our tribe. I'm quite grateful that they did, because if they hadn't been there, I think I may have chewed her fucking voice box out.

"Leave," Quil ordered merely speaking to her over his shoulder.

"But," the blonde spoke through shivering teeth.

"Don't talk back. Just leave," Paul calmly stated turning to her and pointing.

"How will you guys get back," she asked.

"We have our ways," Embry jerked.

"Aaa…alright," she jumped in her car, and squealed her tires.

I had a feeling she would never return to La Push. I was more than grateful, but now I had to deal with my pack. They'd betrayed me.

"What the hell," I spoke sternly as my anger began to subside.

"Yeah, what the hell," Embry nodded toward the house referring the the sleeping Bella in my bed.

"Don't get too used to it," Jared spat.

I cocked my head and eyed him. What was he saying? That she'd leave again? It didn't matter, because Bella and I weren't an item. We were just friends – _who loved each other_.

"What about the parties," Paul asked.

"Go home. Don't come back until I call for you," I turned, but felt a hand on my shoulder.

"She won't leave again, you know. Don't…don't be too hard, alright? Give her a shot." Embry's palm patted my shoulder before he turned and jogged off.

I had some thinking to do. That much was obvious, but what Embry had said stuck with me. He was not my closest friend, but he had been back _then_. Now, he was trying to give me advice on the girl I loved. The girl who's body was waiting for me in my bedroom. My chest heaved with pain. So, she was back to _work things out._ Was I ready for that?

I wanted to be ready for that. My soul yelled at me to be ready, but my heart was very broken still. The heart she'd been given when I was merely 16 years old was not the same heart I held in my chest today. There were plenty of cracks, crevices, and bruises. Could Bella really fix those? Had she really changed? I hoped so, but I couldn't just hand myself over to her right now. I couldn't surrender. There was nothing for me to surrender. My soul needed cleansing.

Starting fresh with Bella was almost impossible, though, I felt like it was what needed to happen. No rushing. No hurrying into a relationship that would just crumble to pieces. We needed to build a foundation for our lives to be built upon.

Maybe she couldn't fix me. Maybe I was beyond repair. What would happen then? She'd just run off again. And could I really offer her everything she wanted? I no longer wanted to be just want she needed me to be. I wanted to be who she wanted me to be. With everything that has happened, I'm not sure that I could be that guy. I definitely wasn't the same Jacob Black as I was when we first met the day she came back to Forks.

My life had taken on such a huge turn since she'd come back. It wasn't her fault. I wanted to blame her, but it just wasn't her fault. I knew it.

_What if she hurt me again? _

A rip of pain zipped through my body. This was all beginning to be too much.

Somehow, I'd managed to make it back to our…_my_ room. I was soaked head to toe, but I didn't care. All the problems, all the questions, all the apprehension flew out the window the minute I laid eyes on the precious form waiting for me in my bed.

"Jake," she whispered sitting up. Her hair was lightly disheveled, and her face stricken with worry. "You're all wet."

I simply nodded my head.

"Why are you all wet? Is something wrong," her eyes fluttered to the window. She gazed out of it.

"No, " was all I could say. I crawled across the bed to her. My knees shook the bed beneath us. I wasn't sure what I was doing, but I just went with it. I remembered Embry's words. _"Don't be too hard."_ Silently, I thanked him for his advice.

Bella moved almost in slow motion in front of me. Her gaze drifting from the window to my face, then to my arms that were now firmly planted on either side of her legs. I let myself give in a little.

"Hi," I whispered. Dumb approach, but she smiled.

"Hi," she touched her palm to my face.

Her eyes twinkled. They held no fear, no apprehension, no pain. She tenderly stroked the side of my face.

"How are you, _Jake_," she greeted me. It was an odd greeting, but no one had asked me that in a while.

I glanced from her lips to her eyes, and back again. Her fingers stroked my face with a loving touch that could not be replaced by anyone else. I smiled.

"Good."

"Good." She lifted up and kissed my forehead with more love than she'd ever shown me before. With that tiny little kiss, I would finally gave in. "Let's go back to sleep."


	9. Not Ready

**Note & Warning:** Thanks to everyone for the reviews! I'm still trying to reply back to everyone and thank them, but I'm sure you guys would rather get an update first. Please, if you guys have any suggestions for the sound track, then leave them in a review or send me a message! I changed it up a little bit with the lyrics for this chapter. So, the lyrics are from Saving Able's "Addicted". **Drinking. Werewolves. Language. Sex. ****IT WILL BE THERE. **Also, playlist is updated and you can follow the link playlist(DOT)com/playlist/18784013067 to listen to the songs in the remove the (DOT) with an actual dot.

"_Oh girl lets take it slow  
So as for you _

_Well you know where to go  
I want to take my love _

_And hate you till the end.__"_

**Jacob**

_Click. Click. Click. Clickclickclick._

A growl escaped my chest without my knowledge. I wanted to sleep more. I hadn't slept that well in a while. I had refused to sleep that well before last night. There was a huge difference between then and now, though. Bella was here. She'd come back to me with a hopeful heart, but I wouldn't give her what she wanted right away. We both knew that if I did, then we'd never make it. Making it work simply wasn't enough. It had to be able to work out on its own. Instead of trying so hard to do everything right, I wasn't going to try. I was going to be who I had become. If Bells could accept me like this, then everything would be okay.

If only, that was the truth.

_Clickclickclick. Click. Clickclick._

I nudged myself closer to where Bella was, but was a surprised to find my arm wrapping around her shins. I opened one eye. Her body was tightly wrapped in a white towel. Her hair, damp from the shower she'd obviously taken, glistened in the sunlight. On her knees sat a white laptop. Her face was lost in another world.

_Click. Click. Click_. Her fingers worked the keys intently. She stopped. I quickly shut my eye. _Clickclickclick. Click. Click._ Groggily, my eyes opened to a pure white towel. My head rested just inches from her hip. I nuzzled my cheek against her.

Even when she woke me up with her typing, I couldn't help but feel the slightest bit of happiness rise through the midnight heart I'd developed over the years. She was such a sweet girl. Everything about her drove me crazy – even now. Yes, I could not deny that she had left me alone and broken. And because of that, I'd turned into my own worst enemy. That was the past. This was the now.

_. Click._

Her fingers seemed to almost have control over her mind as they flew across the keys. What was she doing anyway? I pressed my lips to her towel covered hip.

"What are you doing?" I mumbled against the terrycloth material.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I wake you," she tore her eyes from the screen of her lap top and down to me. A soft smile formed on the corners of her lips.

"Yeah," I smiled back.

"Sorry. Do you want me to go…" Bella's question came as a surprise.

"No," I cut her off. "No. Stay right there. Don't move."

I was comfortable. I was happy. I was not going to let her move any time soon. I tightened my hold on her legs.

"Ugh. Jake, you're going to have to ease up a bit. Those do need blood to function," she let out a small laugh. Her legs wiggled in my grip.

"No," I whined squeezing just a little harder. I wouldn't hurt her. I didn't have it in me to hurt her. "They don't function correctly anyway."

"Jake," her voice echoed the whine in mine. "I'm trying to work."

"Work?"

"Yeah. I'm a…well, I write," she seemed proud. I was definitely proud of her.

Maybe, she really should have left Forks… La Push… _me._ I suppose it was the best decision she could make at the time, but I still didn't understand why she had to end it all. Of course, I couldn't up and leave La Push, but I could leave for small amounts of time. I could leave for, well, _days_ at a time without suddenly becoming a human again. I, guess, I could have made the decision to become a human.

"What are you writing," I questioned kissing her hip through the towel again.

"A story," she cheeked and raised her eyebrows at me.

"About what," my eyebrows matched hers.

"I'll let you read it someday, "she smiled and turned back to the computer.

Someday, huh? At least, she thought we had a future together. I wasn't sure. I wanted a future with her, but maybe she shouldn't come to a conclusion without knowing the person. My hand wrapped around her ankle. Bella didn't know me anymore. Maybe she thought she did, but it was obvious she didn't. But, maybe I was letting my dumb decisions define who I was.

My hand ran up her calf – only having to release its grip just a little below her knee. I loved how petite she was. It was odd that her tiny body matched my rather large physic so perfectly. We had to be made for each other. In most cases, the differences in size would make for a huge obstacle, but not with Bells and me. We fit perfectly against each other. My thumb absent mindedly began to trace circles on her knee.

My body scooted closer to her sitting frame on its own. Her feet stopped just a little past my hips. Pressing harder against her, I kissed her rounded hip again. Bella's fingers ran across the back of my head. Her fingers softly caressed the hair at the back of my neck. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

Glancing up at her, I noticed her attention still rested on the screen. She must have been reading what she wrote. Her eyes squinted just slightly. My hand retraced its steps down the front of her leg. I trailed my fingers over the outside of her tiny foot, around her toes, and along the arch. I kissed her hip again. This time a soft mumble came from above me. I looked up to her. She was nibbling the corner of her lip and trying her damnedest to read the screen.

I let my hand wander to the inside of her right leg. My fingers traced the outline of her inner foot and softly began its journey up her ankle. Once I reached her calf, my entire hand capsulated her leg. I massaged her calf gently, and began to trickle my fingers over her porcelain skin. I kissed her hip once more. I nipped at the towel with my teeth. Her face turned down to mine and she left a breathless moan on her lips. My lips pressed against the towel again as my hand slowly caressed her inner calf. I let my fingers draw a trail of circles up to the inside of her knee. Her eyes fluttered shut. I nipped at the towel again, and pressed the palm of my hand to her inner thigh.

Bella's lips seemed to become the slightest bit pinker, and her eyes slowly filled with a lingering question. I'm sure she wanted to know what I was doing, but I didn't need to answer her. She knew quite well what I was doing. I smiled sweetly at her and perched myself on my elbow. Bella smiled back - a flicker of hope flashed in her eyes. My heart filled to the brim with a burning that I hadn't felt in such a long time.

I wanted to kiss her, to take her, right then, but I held back the urge. Instead, I slowly swept my fingertips across her inner thigh just above her knee. She whimpered as softly as she could. It still drove me just as crazy to see her respond to my touch. I kissed the crease of her arm that was now resting around my shoulders – her fingers still lightly touching the hair on the back of my neck. I closed my eyes, swallowed back what little resistance that was left, and kissed her. I swept the hair back from her face with one hand and with the other caressed her inner thigh as I pushed passed the edge of the towel. Her breath caught in her chest. A new scent lingered in the air, and she knew I could smell it. She knew what it would do to me.

Instinctively, I growled into her lips as hers left dozens of small inconspicuous kisses. Bella retracted her arm using it to sit the lap top in the window seal. She turned her attention back to me. Her eyes watched my lips. Her teeth dug into the edge of her bottom lip. Bella's fingers grasped the tucked edge of the towel and pulled. The towel clung to her body refusing to expose her naked damp skin. The top of it dipped between her breasts. My eyes traveled down the edge of the towel. Her pale skin peeked through the edge just below her belly button. It would have gapped further had it not been for her sitting position.

All the while, my hand continued its journey – caressing the top of her thigh, her knee, her calf, and then back to her inner thigh. I rubbed the inside of her thigh lightly and let my fingers dive under the edge of the towel again.

"Jake," Bella closed her eyes with a moan.

My fingers dove further under the towel. The crease of her hip edged my finger tips to go further – to touch the most inner parts of her. But I didn't. I grazed my fingers over her shaved mound and to the other thigh. I gripped her thigh in my hand and squeezed. She moaned loudly – almost begging me to touch her harder.

"Mmm," she moaned.

The sounds she made caused my body to stiffen. My muscles twitched and ached to be touched, but it was her time now. Her scent was becoming stronger with the second. I was sure her wetness was spilling out onto her thighs. My fingers traced a direct line back to the small wet mound that ached for attention. Her breathing became sparse. Her legs opened welcoming my touch as I slid a finger gently down her slit. Her wetness seeped onto my finger.

"God, you're so wet," I hummed. My finger dove deep inside of her and with a gasp Bella's mouth was on mine. She devoured my lips. Her teeth dug into my lip – biting at it hard and aggressively. I was holding my composure, but I'd had about all I could take. My cock throbbed for attention. I wanted to feel her grasp at me as I brought her to orgasm over and over again.

Bella ran her fingers down my jaw, around the side of my neck, down to my collarbone, and to my shoulder. She squeezed at my arm and gasped when my finger slowly began to work her tender and swollen clit. Her mouth moved words but they weren't being spoken. She tightened her eyes shut. I kissed her mouth, then trailed my tongue along her jaw and to her ear. I nipped her lobe and breathed deeply.

"Can I taste you," I almost begged licking my lips and then flitting my tongue on her ear. She sighed and heaved a deep breath willing her self to speak.

"Oh, god, yes. Please," she bucked her hips against my hand.

I found myself tugging at her rigidly and pulling her body down to the bed. "Lay back," I demanded. Forcefully, I jerked the towel from under her. I memorized her body – the nape of her neck, the curve of her breast, the rise and fall of her chest as she fought desperately to keep herself in check. My hands slowly slid over every inch of her body as my mind remembered the way she used to feel. I kissed her stomach tenderly, and then dragged my lips lazily over her lower abdomen. I grasped her hips in my hands relishing the fact she'd filled out a little more.

"Please, Jake," she begged as I nipped at her hip bones before obliging her plea.

She tasted just as I remembered. The things her scent and taste did to me were incredible. My body never reacted to someone with such a lust and a love. It was almost addictive. I couldn't get enough of her taste – her smell. I dove my tongue deeper inside of her. I had a thirst for her that I couldn't quench. Even after the first orgasm exploded her juices onto my face, I didn't stop. I needed one more fix. She begged and pleaded for a few minutes to recuperate. But, I couldn't. I wanted to taste just a little more. I wanted to smell that sweet delicious scent that escaped her.

"Oh, god, Jacob!" She screamed loudly sitting up. Her body twitched with another orgasm. My tongue graciously lapped up the sweet wetness escaping her. I gently ran my tongue from the bottom up and rested it against her swollen throbbing clit. I lightly ran my tongue against it again.

"Please, Jake. I can't…I can't," she ran her fingers through her sweaty hair.

"Yes, you can," I mumbled with a slight chuckle and then aggressively attacked her bud again. She was on the brink of orgasm within just a few minutes, but I wouldn't let her reach her peak yet. I pulled my mouth away, and kissed at her softly - her body arched with the feather like touch my lips left lingering.

Bella looked down at me watching me as I kissed her mound over and over again. Her face was puzzled and it begging to be brought to her breaking point. I smiled and with a slow drawn out lick she came to a crashing halt.

Bella's hand reached my face in a fury and pulled me to her lips. She graciously kissed them and nipped at the tongue that had given her so much pleasure. I was engulfed with her. I pressed myself between her legs. I needed to be inside of her. I needed to feel her wrapped around me tightly. My hands found her hips and began to lift them up. But, Bella, let out a soft moan and pulled back.

"You're not getting off that easy," she hummed with a devilish look in her eye. I'd never seen this side of her. With a heave she rolled me off of her. She settled next to my side – kissing and licking her way around my neck.

"Bella," a hum erupted from my chest. "Please," I begged. I needed to feel her.

She slide halfway on top of me. Her knee rested just between my legs. My cock pulsated against her hip bone. Bella's lips left a firery trail on my already hot skin. Her fingers trailed behind cooling the sensation.

My body stiffened as her tongue danced around the top of my hips. She brought her tongue dangerously close to my groin and then would retract in slowly drawn out dance. Where had she learned this? I didn't care, because this new teasing side to Bella was a benefit. She pushed my underwear down my hips. I kicked them from my feet as she returned to where she was before. I swallowed thickly when her hot breathe hit the tip of my dick. I hummed deeply and lifted my head to see what she was doing. Her hand gently cupped me.

"Oh God," I moaned dropping my head back. I couldn't take much more of this. Bella's tongue pressed hard against the length of me as she licked up and down. She twirled circles around the head of my dick and hungrily wrapped her pink lips around it.

A haze of lust and love filtered through me. My body tinged and ached with pleasure. She would bring me dangerously close, and then back off. She'd sweetly kiss down the length of me, then she would return and gingerly suck and knead at me. Her fingers stopped kneading at me and slid up to her lips causing a new sensation – a sensation even I had never felt. She backed her head up to the head of my dick circling it with her tongue. I felt her tiny hand take a hold of me. I looked down. Her eyes opened and lustfully looked at me through her lashes. She plopped me from her mouth and smiled wickedly.

"What do you want," she whispered and then took me completely into her mouth. My hand grabbed the back of her head and pushed her further down. She moaned and hummed at me causing vibrations to radiate. I rolled my eyes and felt the rest of me stiffen. I wouldn't come back from this one. There's no way to she could pull me from this ledge. Just as I thought she would stop, she hungrily grabbed ahold of my shaft and began to stroke me up and down as her mouth sucked and licked.

"Fuck," I growled and thrusted my hips toward her mouth. She smirked and dove further down. My body twitched. My muscles stiffed. The familiar burn of my orgasm reached dangerous new heights. I thrusted one more time. A deep growl escaped my chest as I spilled into her mouth.

With a small smile, Bella slid up my side and nestled between my arm and my body. "Good morning," she whispered.

"Good morning indeed," I kissed her head with a smile.

* * *

I sat on the couch with the TV on, but I wasn't watching it. My thoughts were too much to handle. My reality was too much to handle. Soon, Bella would leave me again. Not in the sense she had before, but she'd still have to leave. She'd go stay at Charlie's for a while. Sooner or later, she'd have to find a place of her own. What then? Where would we go from here? Was there even a we?

I wasn't sure if I wanted there to be a "we" just yet. It was by far too soon. She'd just gotten here last night. Within the 24 hours she'd been here, so much had happened. I'd gone from being a cold hearted prick, to being a wounded soldier, to being _Jake_ again. Hell, I wasn't even sure who I was anymore. A part of me ached to be her Jacob again, but a part of me liked the newer more ballsy Jacob. I hated having to walk on glass around her.

I was always afraid of saying the wrong thing and making her run back to that leech. I never really got to say much of anything. I only listened. I only dreamed of what it would be like to actually talk to her – have a conversation where I didn't have to hold back. But, I never really knew how that felt – except when she told me she was leaving. I couldn't hold it back then. And now? I don't think I could hold it back now.

But, she seemed like a different Bella. I mean, hell, she'd obviously graduated college. She was a writer. Being away from Forks, away from La Push, away from all the unnatural things her eyes had seen, and mostly being away from me had done her well. I suppose, there was a small part of me that broke when I realized that she had done well with herself. I mean, look at me. I did nothing but party, and have sex. Occasionally, I would kill the random vampire that would show up, and for money, I'd fix cars or motorcycles. But other than that I was pretty useless. It was nothing like being a writer.

I flipped the channel almost robotically.

One thing was for sure in the metaphorical basket, I loved Bella more than anything. Could she be my imprint? Possibly. I've never experienced it, but Sam says it doesn't always happen the first time you see someone. Sometimes, there are outside factors that stand in the way of the real person inside of them. I wished that Bella was my imprint. It would make things so much easier. And if she wasn't, what would happen if my imprint was somewhere in this lifetime? All of the what if's were giving me a headache. The thinking and the _feeling_ were taking their toll on me.

_Just relax._ I told myself. Maybe I should just let it all fall into place – just let things happen naturally. The way they were supposed to happen before she met that bloodsucker. Maybe everything would be okay. Maybe this was fates way of trumping love. Did I believe in fate? I guess…fate is just another name for imprinting.

_God._ I rubbed the back of my head.

So, if Bella and I weren't together, then what were we? What was this morning?

Friends? Of course.

Lovers? Obviously.

In a relationship? Definitely not.

There was no label that fit perfectly for us. We both knew we wanted to spend eternity together – as a couple. Right now, just wasn't the time to be a couple. I had so much to deal with. I had so many things to handle before I would even be ready to really be with her again. Was that fair? Asking her to wait? I probably shouldn't do that.

"Hey," she shuffled into her place under my arm. She rested her head on my chest and watched intently at the television. "What are you watching?"

"So, when a woman is actually going through menopause," Oprah asked.

"Uhm," I laughed flipping the channel again. "I don't know. I wasn't really watching it."

"No," she asked. Her face tilted up toward mine. Bella's body stiffened at my expression, and she moved from my side. I couldn't read her face, and she wouldn't look at me long enough for me to see it in her eyes. I cringed. So, we were going to have to talk. Great.

"No. I was just thinking," I tossed the remote on the coffee table and hung my arms on my knees.

"Oh," she sounded defeated. "What about?"

"Everything," I huffed.

Bella's face scrunched. Her eyes tilted toward the floor. Her breathing became labored.

"Is this about…well," she tried to say. Instead she bit her fingernail and glanced at the door.

"About what?" I challenged.

"That…girl…that was here last night. I … I kinda over heard your phone conversation. I shouldn't have listened. I'm sorry," she spit the words out quickly before she could stop herself. "I should probably just leave." With that Bella stood up and walked toward the door.

"No," I grabbed her wrist pulling her back to the couch. "What is it with you and wanting to leave? You just got here."

"Jacob," she whispered. "I just…I did this on a whim. No one knew I was coming. No one. And, I can't…I couldn't…be here without you. Without having you. So, when that girl called last night, and you went out to meet her. Then, you came back in to me covered in rain, and you were my _Jake_ again. Not…this Jacob, but my Jake. And…"

"Bells," my voice was tired. I didn't want to talk, but I knew I had to. "That girl last night. She's nothing to me. She's just some slut that the pack had over here. Alright? She's not my girlfriend."

Her eyes looked up to me with hope. "Oh," she swallowed thickly, "then why did she call you? And leave her bra in your room? And the lotion?"

She was too perceptive for her own good. I heaved a sigh and tried my best to choose my words very carefully.

"First of all, I already told you about the lotion. So, can we drop that?"

"So, that was the truth?" She sounded surprised. Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. "Oh. Well, then…what about the phone call?"

"Well…" I made myself watch her face. If there was any disappointment, hurt…anything, then I'd see if first before she could even speak it.

"Last night, when you called..."

I explained the party last night –leaving out the fact that the whole reason we had those parties were to get laid. I didn't divulge in the details of the blondie sucking my dick. I didn't explain to her that before last night, I'd done that every weekend for the past year and a half. I didn't explain to her that blondie wanted and begged me to fuck her. I just simply explained that she got the wrong impression - which she did. I didn't lie. I omitted hurtful information – mostly because I wasn't proud of myself.

"Oh," she smiled sheepishly. "So, these, parties….you have them every weekend?"

"Yeah," I nodded my head and leaned back on the couch. I was relieved to have at least a little bit of that off of my chest.

"Are you guys going to have one tonight?" Her eyebrow arched at me.

"Um. I don't know. Probably not. Since you know, you're here," I smiled. "And, I told the pack that not to come back until I called for them."

"Oh. Well, hey, I'm okay with it. Really."

Dumb founded. I was dumb founded. My mouth fell open. I quickly put it back in its place. So maybe, I should have explained these parties to her correctly, because I was sure it would come back to bite me in the ass. I nodded my head trying to make a point that I would take her opinion into consideration.

"What are _we_ Jake," Bella's question was blunt and it caught me by surprise.

_Weren't we just talking about parties?_

"I…don't know. I mean, you _just_ came back," I rubbed the back of my head. Feelings. Labels. Parties. God, couldn't I just get laid again? Love was pure fucking torture.

"Yeah. I know. I just…I mean, do you want to," she nodded her head at me and then to herself afraid that she might be crossing the line.

"Of course, Bells. Of course, I do," I sighed.

Her chest caved as she breathed out a sigh of relief. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," I confirmed. And I was sure. "I do want to be with you Bella. I do, but there is so much you still don't know. I have changed so much in the past 2 years. Not necessarily for the best – like you have. And there are so many things I'm not proud of. I just…I need to work on myself, ya know?"

The words seeped from my mouth like rain pouring out of the sky. I hadn't meant to say all of that. But, I had. I couldn't take it back now. I focused on the magazines on the coffee table. I didn't want to see her face – her reaction. I wanted her to be proud of me like I was of her. She'd accomplished everything she told me she was going to do. I accomplished jack shit – unless you count sluts and drinking which she probably didn't.

"I know that you're not the same, Jacob. I'm not the same either," she began.

"No, but you're better…I'm not," I cut her off.

"Jacob, you don't know what you're saying. You don't know everything about me either. I've done things I'm not proud of either. But I don't dwell on those things anymore. You don't give yourself enough credit."

_If only she knew. If only. "_Bells, look, I'm not ready to be your boyfriend again. I'm barely ready to work on things. I just have to get myself together a bit. Alright? I know what I'm asking you to do, and please, don't think I expect you to do…that," I avoided the word. I didn't know exactly how she would respond to my request.

"I'll wait for you, don't worry," she smiled patting my arm. "I lost you once out of sheer stupidity, and I'm not going to lose you again because I can't wait. I'll wait for you for however long it takes you to realize that I'm what you need."

My heart ached and twinged with pain and love. I grabbed her around the waist and pulled her into a tight hug. This girl was simply amazing. I was smiling so hard that my face hurt.

"Jake," she huffed. "I have to breathe."

"Oh, yeah,right," I sheepishly let go of her. She leaned her forehead to mine.

"Thank you," I whispered into her lips. Tenderly, I kissed her with all the heart that I had left.

"You're welcome. Just don't…make me regret my decision, okay?" Bella eyed me.

"I won't. I promise."


	10. Leaving Was Never the Answer

**Note & Warning:** New song has been added to the playlist. Velvet Revolver – Fall To Pieces. Sorry that the updates haven't been coming as frequently, but it is Christmas! So, this will probably be the last update until after Christmas. Hopefully, the chapters will come more quickly then. Anyway! This chapter covers a lot of ground. I tried to give as much detail as possible without going too far into things. I felt the last few chapters seemed to drag out a little, so, I'm kinda making up for lost time. Anyway, this plot does thicken a lot, but I just need to get Jacob and Bella to a certain point before it does. So, bare with me. Lyrics are from Linkin Park's "New Divide". Playlist(DOT)com/playlist/18784013067 (replace (DOT) with an actual dot). **As always, this is rated 'M' for a reason. I love the wolfpack and their awesomely dickish cocky attitudes. So, I played with them a bit and took it up a notch. Plenty of drunk filthy mouthed werewolves, sex, and partying to follow.** _Yum!_

"_In every loss, in every lie, in every truth that you'd deny  
And each regret and each goodbye was a mistake too great to hide  
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve"_

**Jacob**

I was surprised that none of the pack had actually tried to get in touch with me. After all, it had been nearly a week since I'd told them to leave my house and not come back until _I_ called _them_. Normally, we would go out midweek to train for a day or so, but I couldn't bring myself to phase. The sooner I phased the sooner I'd be bombarded with questions I wasn't willing to answer. So, I was avoiding my pack. Me, the Alpha, avoiding his very own pack – that was pure fucking hilarity.

Bella and I were comfortable again. The pain eased as the days passed. Our worries slowly began to disappear as the hours counted on. As long as we were here without any interruptions or outside noise, we were okay. But, we couldn't live like this no matter how good it felt. And I had to admit I felt pretty good.

Before Bella left, we'd spent plenty of nights together, but our time together always seemed to be sparse. It became harder every time to walk away from her knowing that I'd have to wait a week or so to see her again. But, now, she was here day in, day out taking care of me, and sleeping next to me. It was definitely something I could get used to.

Our days were mostly filled with laughs, and memories. However, there were also plenty of those moments I like to call 'comfortable silences' where she'd be working on her book, and I'd be lost in thought. The comfort level between us had grown to an extraordinary level. We both knew that we were bonded together with an undying love and a hope that it would last for eternity.

Of course any time there is love involved, there are those heart breaking, soul baring talks. The kinds that felt like you were rubbing salt on an open wound. They were tormenting and intolerable, but they happened almost nightly. A simple question would always flare up a rage of jealousy or another more interrogating question. As always, I kept my guard. Against better judgment, I kept most of my experiences a secret. Things always find a way to bite you in the ass, and I was sure that day would come soon. I could only hide it for so long.

Yet, even with my holding back, I still felt Bella's restraint. I wasn't sure what she wasn't telling me, but there was a secret hidden in her eyes. It would flare up silently when we would have a heart to heart. If things became too discomforting for her, she'd change the subject or completely avoid it. At least I wasn't the only one trying to hide a part of my past.

It was still so hard to think of the things I'd done as my past. In reality, I'd been participating in the same activities just a week ago. It was hard to stay away from the constant nagging in the back of my mind telling me that this blissful week would come to an end soon, and that we'd both have to face the music. We'd both have to confess our deepest secrets. I just wasn't so sure that hers were as bad as mine. I was almost positive they weren't. Hopefully, I could keep a grip on myself and not fall back into the same routine I'd been in for the last year and a half. As long as Bella was here, then I'd be ok. The moment she wasn't here, I wasn't too sure I'd be able to be withstand the temptation.

Bella called Charlie 2 days after she got here. He was ecstatic to have his daughter within such a close proximity. I suppose he was even more excited when she'd explained to him that she was here with me in La Push. I'm pretty sure I heard him high five my father from across town. Both Charlie and Billy were rooting for me, but I didn't know if they understood the intensity of the situation.

Shortly after Bella's conversation with Charlie, she asked me about Billy and why he wasn't here anymore. So, I explained it to her in more detail than I thought she needed. I suppose it hurt her more than I expected, but she had to know what she'd done to me. I figured that was one way of showing her the repercussions of her actions. She didn't say much to me the rest of the evening, but I didn't blame her. It was a lot to take in. Instead of hanging around the house, I headed out to the garage I'd avoided for the longest time and cleaned things up a bit. When I got back, she'd cooked a delicious dinner and offered to watch an action movie with me. I figured that was a small apology for the hurt she'd caused.

Turns out, Billy had almost taken on a permanent residence at Charlie's, and that they both enjoyed their "bachelor pad". Bella didn't really say much in aspects of our relationship. She just explained that it wasn't necessarily the right time for her and I to decide to live together. I appreciated her honesty, and agreed with her without argument. She was right, and as much as I never wanted her to leave, I knew she had to. So, Charlie agreed to lend Bella the basement until she could find a place of her own. Apparently, writing a story paid pretty well, because Bella had no apprehension with money. She'd explained to Charlie that money wasn't an issue and she'd only need to stay for a couple of months. Well, at least I had that.

"So, when are you going back to Charlie's," I tried to not sound excited or let down. I kept a monotone to my voice. I didn't want her to get the wrong idea – whichever way her mind would sway.

"He said he'd have the basement cleared out in about 4 days," she answered barely taking her eyes off of the boiling water on the stove. "Billy said I could stay here until the basement was cleaned, but I figured I'd run it by you first since you're the one that lives here."

"Sure, sure. I don't mind you staying at all," I watched her stir in a box of macaroni. She handed the box to me and eyed the trash. I noticed the tension in the air. "You know if things were different…or ….I don't know. If I didn't have so much to work on, then I'd let you stay here right? I mean you have to know that?" I rolled my eyes in frustration at myself and tossed the box in the trash. I was begging her again. When did I start to beg her again?

She simply nodded her head.

"Listen, Bells," I grabbed her waist and turned her toward me. "Please understand that I want you here more than anything, alright? But, I have to work on myself."

"Jeez, Jake, I know," Bella smacked her hand to my chest. "Believe me, I _know_."

I thought I heard a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

"What's that supposed to mean," I puzzled.

"It's just that you say that all the time. I just wonder if you're really trying to work on yourself or just giving me some type of an excuse as to why I can't be around you," she turned in my arms and pushed her way toward the bathroom.

"God, Bella, I've explained this to you a hundred times in a hundred different ways. Do you need me to spell it out for you? I can't work on myself with you here. You keep me in check, but I have to be able to keep myself in check. I have to have my own restraint – not yours."

I was becoming angrier every time I had to answer this question. It was beyond annoying to be bugged and annoyed with the same question every day. Why couldn't she understand that I needed her to do this for me?

"What does restraint have to do with this? You always talk about keeping yourself together. What's that about, hmmm? You know what, " she waved her hand haphazardly. "It's fine, okay? I get it, Jacob," she spoke my name pointedly. She put her guard up.

Bella tried to walk passed me, but I grabbed her arm – stopping her in her tracks. "Bells," I sighed heavily. "Try to put yourself in my shoes…"

"I don't even know your "_shoes_" anymore, Jacob," she growled through her teeth.

"You're right. You don't," I gave up and turned to walk away – like she always did.

"Don't walk away from me, Jacob Ephraim Black!" Bella yelled. She was angry with me. For once in the past week, she was actually angry with me.

I turned around and raised my eyebrow at her. Where'd she get off calling me by my full name? She was and will never be my mother. "Don't talk to me like that."

"Like what?" She didn't dare look at me.

"Like you just did! You're not my mother," I exclaimed taking a step toward her. I crossed my arms over my chest and glared in her direction. A bubble of anger formed in the pit of my stomach.

"I'm not trying to be your mother, Jacob. Just don't walk away from me," she spoke softer knowing that she'd struck a sour chord within me. I felt my self control crumbling.

"Why not, Bella? Every time anything gets a little bit hard for you, you walk away. You leave so why can't I," my question stung as it left my chest. Werewolf: 1. Self Control: 0.

I watched her flinch at my words. Her cheeks flushed. "I should probably go help Charlie with the basement."

"See, there you go. You're not going to be the one to walk away this time. I'm not letting you," I stood in front of her. My emotions were getting the best of me. My breathing was rapidly coming and going. My control – whatever little bit was left - diminished. She tried to step to the right, and then to the left. She huffed.

"Please, Jacob, let me go," she whispered. Her eyes glanced up to mine. Her statement almost came out like a plea to be freed from her chains here.

"No," I spat – still angry.

I was so tired of her trying to walk away from me. I'd had enough. Every night, when the conversation got a little too intense or I'd waiver into the fact that she had been the one to hurt me, she'd turn around and walk away. If I didn't get to avoid it, then she wasn't going to be able to avoid it either.

"Just let. Me. Go." Bella's voice quivered. Control was the last thing on my mind. Did she honestly just ask me to let her go? A growl escaped me. I pinned her against the counter - my arms on either side of her. Her chest touched my torso. Her breathing became shallow.

"No. You're not leaving. For once, you're not going to be the one to walk out on everything. You don't get to make that decision this time," I spoke through my teeth. I would not let her go. Not again. I gripped the counter.

Slowly this conversation had become a little more about her actual leaving, and less about my walking away from her. My body began to respond to my anger. My skin shivered and waved. I was going to lose it. Bella sensed it. She didn't have to look at me. I noticed the goose bumps lift on her skin. She was actually scared of me. _I scared her. _I took a step back and breathed deeply.

"Jacob," she rubbed her forehead and moved toward the stove. "Why do you get to throw things in my face?" Her voice was calm. Almost too calm. That only pissed me off more. She grabbed a spoon from the drawer and began to stir the pasta. I tried to breathe, but I caved.

I didn't answer her. Everything inside of me was furious. My body burned with long forgotten feelings and despair. I was too angry to have this conversation. I didn't need to have this conversation…_again._ So, I did the only thing I could do. I turned around, walked out the door, and phased.

"Jacob," I heard the question lingering in the air, then the sound of her tiny feet running to the door. The screen door slammed shut behind her as I reached the tree line. I didn't turn back. My legs pushed me into the tree line in a hurry. Maybe she'd learn her lesson now. I'd finally mustered up enough courage to walk away from her. Hopefully, she'd get the feel of it. She'd realize that leaving was never the answer. _Leaving was never an answer._

My paws thudded into the floor of the forest. My thoughts carried a burden, but running felt good. I felt exhilarated. The anger seemed to seep out of my muscles with every push of my paw. Reality slowly began to flood back into my brain. _Leaving was never an answer._ Great. I'd done to her, what'd she'd done to me over and over again. How was that ok? The angry fog lifted completely from my eyes. My mind stopped, but my body continued to run.

_Leaving was never an answer. _I shouldn't have reacted so harshly. My temper flared, and I'd lost all control over myself. I just had to get out of that house. There was too much tension, too much expectation, too much of everything. Bella may not have meant to put so much pressure on me, but she had. The sheer idea of her getting the best of me again made me angry at myself. How could I be so dumb to just let her walk into my life again? And then to spend so much time together in the same vicinity? Did we have a death wish? There was no getting used to the other being there. It was simple…I was shoved into something I wasn't too sure I wanted or needed.

What was I saying? Of course, I wanted and needed Bella. Everything was just a bit much. Change was blowing in – and a rather large change at that. Bella had come home to me, expecting me to just throw my hands in the air and want to start over. Of course, I wanted to start over, but I couldn't. I couldn't forget the years of pain, the self loathing. Mostly, I couldn't get over the fact that, me, Jacob Black, was pushing every one away. They'd done nothing – the pack, my father. They weren't the ones at fault, but why couldn't I just push Bella away instead?

_You love her too much._ A thought ran through my mind.

I hadn't realized where I was going until I was already there. I huffed a whine as I came to a halt at the edge of the forest in front of Sam's.

_Jacob. Why are you here? _Embry's thoughts crossed my mind, again. I heard him screech to a stop not too far from me. _How's Bel.._

I phased before he could finish his question. I was not going to talk to him about her. He wouldn't understand. He'd have too much hope. I, simply, didn't know what was going to happen right now. I ,only, hoped things were the same with Bella when I got home. Hopefully, she'd still be there. And hopefully, she will have learned a lesson.

"Jacob," Embry ran up behind me.

"What," my voice came out harsh.

"What's up man? We haven't heard from you since last weekend," His voice was filled with concern.

"Nothing's up," I kept my answers short. No need for him to think things were progressing any further between Bella and me when they obviously weren't progressing at all.

"Bella still there?" He couldn't hide the excitement in his voice. _The hope._

"I guess," I replied taking a few strides to the front door.

"You guess," he questioned. I ignored him.

"Jacob, what a surprise," Emily smiled an all knowing smile and opened the screen door. "Sam said he didn't think we'd hear much from you for a while."

"Uh, yeah. Change of plans," I smiled and walked through the door.

"Embry," Emily's tone seemed to be more of a warning to Embry than a greeting.

It'd been quite some time since I'd been to Sam's. His home was always the hang out and meeting grounds when I'd first phased, but since I'd became Alpha, that all changed. It just seemed to be more convenient to meet up with the Alpha instead of the Alpha wrangling the rest of the pack together. I suppose that was the real reason. It could have been that ever since Bella left, Emily felt a little uneasy with me. I guess that's the reaction you get from a woman who's watching you self destruct by the minute.

"Jacob! How's it going," Paul greeted with a half smile.

"Hey man," Jared nodded not looking up from his meal.

"Jacob?" Quil emerged from the bathroom rubbing his stomach.

I didn't reply. I just nodded and took a seat on the couch. Noticeably absent from the room was Sam. I wasn't sure where he was or what he was doing, but I needed to talk with him. He was older. He was experienced. And he was in a relationship. No matter how hard I tried to deny it, I was slowly being sucked back in by the relationship black hole. I needed advice. I needed another man's opinion on everything that was happening. Someone who wasn't so partial to Bella. Someone who would give me honesty over favoritism.

"Where's Sam," I perked up off of the couch.

"He's upstairs. The storm last night busted out the window, so he's fixing it. Your brother's here are being a bit lazy and uncooperative. Maybe you should order them to help," Emily sounded disappointed. But I felt her stare of disappointment in me. I'm sure she knew what was going on by now.

"I'll just go help him." I didn't want any questions. I didn't feel like answering.

Once upstairs, I knocked on the door to Sam's room, and twisted the knob when no one answered. Sam walked out of the closet with a pencil in his mouth and a measuring tape in his hands. He nodded at my presence and tossed me the measuring tape.

"I figured you'd be coming around," Sam walked to the window nonchalantly. He glanced back at me and eyed the measuring tape.

_Oh. Right. _

"Yeah," I stated handing him the end of the measuring tape and walking the other end to the gaping hole – that used to be a window. "How'd this happen?"

"Lightening struck the tree, and the wind tossed a branch through the window. Luckily, both of us were downstairs when it happened," he made conversation just to humor me. He knew what I was here for. He wasn't stupid.

"So, this is about Bella, right," he noted the number on a piece of paper sitting in what used to be a window seal.

"Uh, yeah," I brought the end of the measuring tape to the top of the window as he dropped his to the bottom. "I know that it's a little…odd me coming to you since I'm the Alpha."

"Hey, listen, no matter who is Alpha, we are all brothers. Brothers are there for you when you need some sense knocked into you," Sam spouted taking the tape measure and walking it back to the closet. He clanked around in the closet for a few minutes before sticking his head out. "Go ahead. I'm listening."

So, I gushed like a school girl about how she'd come running back to me, about how I'd lied about damn near everything, and about how I'd gotten pissed and ran way like some kind of pussy. I explained everything. Every last little detail flowed out of my mouth. All the while, we began working on taking out the broken window.

"That's not the problem," Sam said.

"What's not the problem?" I questioned removing pieces of broken glass from the window.

"Spending so much time together. The problem is the anger, the lies, and the hurt that both of you refuse to face. And another problem is the constant talking and bitching about things that have already happened. You can't fix what went wrong back then, but you can prevent it from happening again," Sam's answer came as unwelcomed as pissing into the wind, but it was the truth. "Now, help me get this window out."

I grabbed one last piece of glass and tossed it in the trash can in the corner of the room. Sam grabbed one end of the window. I grabbed the other. And together we yanked the broken window out of the wall.

"Getting rid of the hurt is as simple as that," Sam nodded toward the wall behind me.

I back stepped my way to the wall. "I don't think it's really that easy."

"Trust me, it is. It's as easy as fixing this window. All the small broken pieces of glass - you have to take those away from the equation. Then you get the big picture. The real reason you're there. Sure there may be a giant hole to repair. But, you have to start fresh with a new window. Repairing it is in the easy part. Ya know, putting the window back in. But… Letting go of the small broken pieces is the hard part. You might get cut. You might not. In the end, do you want to risk leaving your home to an intruder when you could have fixed that window. But you didn't. You were too afraid to _fix it, _because you _might_ get cut and you _might _not. You're just giving them a greater chance at breaking the home you built. And you're only leaving yourself opened to unwanted bullshit blowing in," Sam avoided talking literally. That's how he was. He preferred something more… manly. He left most of the emotional talk to Emily, but he still had it in him. He had knowledge and experience. And I knew what he was saying.

I spent the rest of the day at Sam and Emily's helping Sam install the new window. The more I worked with Sam, the more I began to understand why he'd been the Alpha. I didn't necessarily agree with the council's decision to make me Alpha. Sure, I was the best fighter, and I was the biggest. But, Sam, he had a way about him that oozed Alpha. He almost deemed dominant over me, and I would have given in to that dominance if I hadn't had my own dominance. I knew I had it in me to be a great Alpha, but I knew what I'd been doing was nothing more than bullshit.

"Listen, Jacob. I know you came here needing advice about Bella," Sam stated picking up the random tools strewn about his bedroom. "Look, I know the partying and the girls, they were just a way to help you forget about Bella. But, _not a good idea._"

"Yeah," I bit back a laugh. "Bella says she doesn't mind it."

"Really," his stern face looked up from the tool box. "You…haven't told her have you?

I coughed. "Not really."

"Not really," Sam questioned.

"Look," I shoved my hands in the pockets of my shorts. "She knows about the partying. The girls…not so much. I don't know if or when the next one is, but if there is one you and Em should come. It'll be different."

"I don't know. I'll run it by Emily. It's really going to be left up to her," Sam grabbed the tool box and walked into the closet.

"I'm going to go grab something to eat, I think," I nodded toward the kitchen. "Want me to have Emily fix you up a plate?"

"No, I'm good. Thanks."

All of this talking was wearing me out. I was beyond tired. I was exhausted. I knew I needed to think about the things Sam and I had talked about, but I needed relaxation. When I got downstairs, I noticed the rest of the pack was gone. Emily sat at the desk completely engulfed in something on her computer. I shrugged it off. She seemed busy. I didn't want to bother her. So, I decided to just head home and find something to eat there.

"See ya, Em," I yelled over my shoulder as I opened the screen door.

"Oh, Jacob," she tore herself from the screen. She smiled at me. Her smile was almost sickingly sweet.

"Yeah," I turned my body toward her.

"Have a good night," she bit back a smirk and turned to the screen.

_What was that about?_

I had a feeling – a gusty feeling – that told me I was probably in store for a huge surprise when I got back. If it was bad or good, who knew. Emily almost never bit back a smile or a smirk unless she was trying to hide a secret. Come to think of it. It was odd that the pack wasn't still there. Usually, if they weren't at Sam's, then they were at…_my house partying._

"Fuck," I growled phasing almost before I could get my jeans off.

To say I ran as fast and I possibly could is completely underestimating me. I ran…well…_fast._ My stomach knotted up. And it felt like forever was passing by, when it had actually only been a few minutes. I didn't care. Whatever they were doing at my house with…well, maybe Bella wasn't there?

My paws dug into the dirt harder and I launched myself further into the distance. Panic bled through every vein, blood vessel, and pore. I needed her to be there. I ran faster trying my damndest to return before Bella could leave. If she hadn't already. That slowed me down a little, but I could still find her. I'd go after her this time. I'd risk it all for her. I'd do it for her.

I dodged the trees and the boulders with almost no realization they were there. When I reached the tree line outside of my garage, I skidded to a crashing halt and quickly put my jeans on. My feet dug into the dirt underneath me as I ran between the house and the garage. I glanced over my shoulder toward the yard noticing the presence of Bella's truck. A sigh escaped me.

But that meant…_Shit!_ I lunged myself through the front door. Pictures hanging on the wall clanked and slammed back into place as the door slammed behind me. My heart was beating faster than it had ever beat before. The scars that had healed over the last week slowly ripped apart and began to bleed. This was it. I was going to lose everything. She was going to walk out of my life again, because I couldn't make it without her. Because, the only way I'd found to cope was to drink myself into an oblivion and screw random girls.

_God, what was I thinking? I should have just told her. I should have just explained it all._

Bella's eyes reached mine. I swallowed hard at the expression on her face.

"Look, Bells. I can explain!"

At that moment, her eyes locked on mine with so many questions waiting to be answered and so many stories left to tell, I finally got it. _Leaving was never the answer. It was the question._


	11. Fist Full of Whiskey

**Note & Warning: **** If you like filthy mouthed, ****under**** sexed, drunk werewolves. This is for you. ** So, Hi! Hope everyone (those who celebrate it!) had a wonderful Christmas. Mine was great. Sorry it took so long for this chapter to come out. I just…well, I wrote it twice. I'm still not happy with it, but I really don't want to rewrite it again. So, yeah. This is what you get. It's kinda crappy, but this is a very key part in their relationship. *evil laugh* We'll see what happens fro here. New song added to the soundtrack: Nickelback "Burn It To the Ground". playlist(DOT)com/playlist/18784013067 (remove (DOT). Replace with actual dot.) This song, well, it's only really for this chapter, I suppose. It's my…_inspiration_. =) Lyrics are from "Burn It to the Ground"… there are two versus' because I couldn't choose just one! Hope you guys don't ubber hate me. This is where things start to get … _fun._

"_Well, it's midnight, damn right, we're wound up too tight  
I've got a fist full of whiskey, the bottle just bit me  
__**Oh, that shit makes me bat shit crazy  
We've got no fear, no doubt, all in balls out**_

_We're screaming like demons, swinging from the ceiling  
I got a fist full of fifties, tequila just hit me  
__**Oh, we got no class, no taste, no shirt, and shit faced  
We got it lined up, shot down, firing back straight crown**__"_

**Jacob**

"Explain what, Jacob," Bella seemed surprised. She glanced around the room, and my eyes followed.

The first thing that was oddly apparent was that everything was clean. I could only imagine her frantically cleaning as tears trickled down her reddened cheeks not too long after I ran out of the house like some kind of pussy. My heart ached with regret.

_Maybe that's what she felt._

Second thing I noticed was the line of bottles on the counter. Jack, Jim, and Jose were all present. Next to the bottles of liquor was my ice filled sink that now housed bottles of what looked like Bud Light. Great. My sink was now a cooler.

I was confused by all of this. I had run out of my house like a mad man after a fight with Bella that seemed to develop over nothing. While at Sam's, Emily had eerily and wickedly laughed at me as I headed out. My pack was at my house with my…with Bella. There was plenty of alcohol and loud music.

_So, I leave and get a party thrown in my favor. What the hell?_

As if I wasn't confused enough, Bella stood up and headed my direction. Her hips swayed evilly in her tiny and ripped jean skirt – that barely covered her ass cheeks. She'd obviously done herself up pretty well. Her hair was curled in loose curls. She had just a hint of make up on. I bit the inside of my jaw. She was entirely too sexy. Her high heeled shoes clanked as she came closer to me. I swallowed a gulp of air and exhaled.

"Something wrong," she whispered placing her hand on my cheek. She didn't have to reach so far this time due to high shoes she was wearing. I cleared my throat.

"I don't understand what's going on," I pulled her hand from my face and looked at my pack. They were seated neatly at the table – each with a shot glass and a quarter.

_Quarter Bounce? Really._

"Maybe we should talk about this outside," she whispered.

Like it mattered. They would hear us either way, but I'm sure it made her feel just a little more comfortable. So, I ducked out of the door first holding it open. As she stepped out of the door, the wind picked up. Her oversized sequined black shirt clung to her frame. It hung tauntingly low off of one shoulder. The top of her breast was almost entirely exposed. Her nipples, now at full attention, peeked through the almost sheer fabric. Goose bumps rose over her shoulder.

"Cold," I choked out letting the door slam behind me.

"No. Just the wind," she smiled quaintly at me.

She took a seat on the porch swing. I inhaled sharply as she swung her leg across the other exposing her uncovered mound. She was seriously trying to fucking kill me. I glanced up at her face. Bella raised her eyebrow at me and then smirked evilly. I swallowed the lump forming in my throat.

"Listen," she broke the ice. I noticed her voice was a little rougher than usual. "_I know._"

"You know what?" I stuffed my hands in my jeans.

"Jacob," her eyes stabbed at mine with anger, hurt, and…relief? "_I know."_

I froze. My body wouldn't move. No matter how much I wanted it to. It wouldn't. I cringed at her words. She knew, and I hadn't been the one to tell her. I was in a whole shit load of trouble. But…it didn't make sense. If she knew, then why did I come home to a party?

"Bells," I whispered finally willing myself to move enough to stand in front of her. Only, she refused to look at me. Her gaze shifted to the garage, the grass, her truck, and my Rabbit. "Look at me, please?"

"Just…look. I want you to have fun. Okay? Don't just sit around and pretend like you're someone else around me. This is who you are now, right," she asked pointedly. Over the years, Bella had become better at hiding things from people – that was apparent in this conversation. She was hiding her feelings. Normally, I could read her like a book, but she was avoiding me. Bella's body tensed as I sat next to her on the swing. She tore her gaze from passed me to the floor of the rustic porch in front of us.

"I…I don't know what you know, Bella. So, I'm not going to answer that. How do you think I am," my voice came out softer than I'd expected.

A part of me was angry at whoever told her about me, but a part of me was relieved. Whoever did it knew that I wouldn't ever be able to come clean, and that might…well, it might have ruined everything.

"Jake, let's just have fun. If this is what you like to do, then great. Just don't pretend to be something you're not. I'm not ok with that. I love you because of who you are, not because of who you've become. We can talk about this some other time, but right now, all I really want to do is get completely shit faced. Alright?" Bella's voice came out with determination and confidence. It was a side of her that I had never seen before.

"I don't think that's a good…" I started to say.

"Don't tell me what's a good idea and what's not. I'm an adult. I've drank plenty of times. I've dealt with more than you could imagine. I'm not the same either, Jacob," Bella said nicely and calmly. Her voice quivered only slightly.

I knew there was apprehension about tonight, but I didn't want to, well, hurt her any more than I had today. I wasn't sure what she knew or who had told her, but I was going to give her exactly what she wanted tonight. We both had been under an immense amount of pressure. Relaxation was a must.

"Bells," I grabbed her chin with two fingers and pulled her face up to mine. "Look at me." I waited until she obeyed. "There's nothing more I want to do right now than to go in there and drink the entire bottle of Jose with you."

Her eyes lit up with a smile, but her lips didn't budge. She was unsure, and that was understandable. "Alright, then what are we waiting for," the smile finally spread to her lips. My heart swelled a little. I was entirely too happy that she'd just accepted my offer. But… a part of me hurt to know that she was only doing this for my benefit.

She pulled her head from my hand and patted my knee. "C'mon. We'll talk later!"

With that, she grabbed my hand and yanked me into my house, passed my pack, and to the counter. Bella opened the cabinet door above her head and reached as high as she could for the shot glasses on the top shelf. Even with those hills – that made her ass stick just a little further out – she wasn't tall enough. I stepped behind her, reached over her head, and grabbed two of them. Bella teasingly perched her ass out further and slid it against the front of my jeans. My dick went from 6 to 12 in 2 seconds. I pressed against her while sitting the glasses on the counter.

Through the corner of my eye, I noticed the pack smirking and waiting patiently – completely and utterly not like themselves. I cleared my throat and they all started to talk.

"Turn some music on, you dumbfuck," Paul yelled.

"Fuck yeah," Jared howled. "Bitches have arrived."

My door slammed shut. I shuddered. _Girls._ If this was some sort of test, then I was going to fucking fail it miserably. Bella turned to face me. Her eyebrows arched at the look on my face. She glanced around my shoulder and mouthed an 'oh'. Her eyes dropped and she handed me my shot.

"Here, do this with me and then you can go have some fun," she plastered a fake smile on her face.

"Bells," I asked unsure of what this situation would entail.

"Jake," she said sternly and cold faced. I knew she was only trying to be strong. I knew one thing, I couldn't do this to her.

"You, me, Jose, and the pack have a date," I cheeked a smile.

And no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't hide the excitement any longer. She clanked her glass with mine and downed the shot like a pro. I eyeballed her and snaked my arm around her waist. After tossing back my shot, I slammed the glass to the counter and planted my lips on the girl I loved so much.

"Let's get fucked up," I mumbled into her kiss.

"Or just fucked," she whispered kicking a leg around my hip.

"That'll be later," I growled nipping at her bottom lip, before tearing myself unwillingly from her and guiding her to the table with my pack.

"Alright, guys, prepare to get your asses kicked. Meet the champ of PennState Quarter Bounce," Bella taunted taking her seat.

I took my seat next to her. "Penn State," I asked. Bella smiled toothily at me and nodded taking her quarter and expertly bouncing it into her glass.

"They have no idea what they're in for," she whispered and pointed to Embry. "You are the first. Drink up."

"Ahhh, fuck," Embry poured himself a shot and swallowed it quickly. He wasn't exactly the best drinker out of us, so I was sure I would have to lock him in the laundry room later. "Take it easy on me Bella. I'm a light weight!"

"Light weight doesn't even begin to explain it," I retorted his comment.

"Watch yourself," Paul eyed me, then Bella. Bella glanced up at him and glared.

"Maybe you should," she bounced the quarter again – of course, sinking it. "Drink up."

"My pleasure," Paul snidely remarked following the rules of the game and taking a shot. His face puckered and he coughed as the shot eased into his throat. "Man, I hate this shit."

"Feather weight," I coughed. Embry, Jared, and Quil laughed a throaty laugh and intently watched Bella sink the next quarter again.

"Ok. Mr. Black, since you're such an expert at this, how about you take two shots," Bella evilly smirked.

"Two," I questioned. "For what?"

Now, I may be in a tough situation with my ex-girlfriend, my pack, and the sluts running around my house, but I was still a game player. I played fair. And of course, being Alpha, I was very competitive.

"One, because I sank the shot. The second is for being a smart ass," she pressed her lips together.

"Fuck no. I'll do the first one," I argued.

She leaned tauntingly close to me and whispered in a breathy seductive voice, "Fine. You don't have to, but the more you refuse the less you get."

So, needless to say, I drank two.

"Whipped," Embry spoke barely above a whisper.

"Pussy," Jared cackled.

Bella held back her laughter, but kept her streak up. All of us had done at least 3 shots before she'd even missed. The next in line to bounce quarters was me. I hadn't played this too often, but I knew what I was doing. I had oddly good aim being a werewolf and all. I wasn't sure that Bella quite understood what all she had in store for her while playing quarter bounce with 5 werewolves. Of course, since she'd claimed she was PennState's Quarter Bounce Champion, we'd all chosen her to take the shot.

"Alright," her words almost slurred. "Next round, no names."

"No names," Quil's words were slow and hard to understand. He was _gone._

"So what do we call each other," Embry wasn't paying attention to the game anymore. The girl behind me had taken her top off about 3 shots ago. He looked like he was about to go plant his face between the double D's and motorboat them. It wouldn't be the first time.

Jared ignored him and bounced another quarter in. "Fuck face, take a shot."

"Who's fuck face," Bella slurred.

"Your bitch cake next to you," Jared shot his words toward me.

"Fuck you, Jared," I slammed out. I was feeling good. Buzzed, I was. Drunk – absolutely not.

"Two shots, Jake!" Bella squealed with a laugh.

"Fuck," I murmured drinking the first of my two shots.

"Shot Bella," Embry called. I laughed. "Fuck," he caught himself and took a shot.

"Next person who uses a name has to take their shirt off," Paul stated with a glazed look in his eye. His face held a goofy smile. And he eyed Bella. The only one of them that had a shirt on was me. He was trying to play his cards right. Bella was fairly tipsy and he knew she would cross the edge any moment.

Bella laughed and watched intently as Jared bounced his quarter again. It, of course, went straight in. He threw up his hands victoriously. "Fuckers, drink up titties!"

"Fuck you, cock bite," Bella's potty mouth was a little attractive. I must admit. It could have just been the alcohol though. She poured her shot. "I need salt. Someone give me salt. This Jose is going to give me fucking heartburn if I don't start using some salt." Quil stood slowly. He rocked back and forth and swayed his way to the counter. His face turned an odd shade of pea green. He stumbled twice. And before he lost his balance completely, he tossed the salt to Bella and made his way to the bathroom. She glanced at me and licked around the rim of her glass. I shifted in my seat. She flicked her tongue at the edge and then turned her attention back to the glass. My dick went to full attention. She smirked and took her shot with salt. It was my turn now.

Suddenly, I felt a hand on my knee. I glanced at her through the corner of my eye. What was she up to anyway? My hand shook slightly. I steadied my hand and tried to aim the quarter. I lifted my hand and just as I released the quarter, Bella's hand grabbed at me through my jeans.

"Bella," I hissed missing the glass.

"Hah!" She laughed proudly. "Take your shirt off!"

_Fuck._ I laughed at her excitement and followed the rules. I stood and removed the t-shirt I had on. I paid close attention to the expression on Bella's face. She bit her lip and uncrossed her legs, then crossed them again. The scent of her arousal seeped up to my nose.

After the next 5 rounds, Bella gave up whispering something about never being able to win against a bunch of werewolves. She walked to the living room and turned on some music. Jared howled in the air as the music came on. He chased into the next room after a girl who wasn't wearing pants. He smacked her ass and raised his eyebrows at all of us.

"Who's gonna get some tonight?" Jared threw his hand in the air.

We all whooped out our call and laughed. It was something we did at every party when one of us was about to get an easy piece of ass. He picked the girl up and tossed her over his shoulder. She laughed loudly with every bounce.

"You guys are fucking awesome," Bella swayed her hips to the music for a minute, before slowly walking over to me.

Embry stumbled out of his chair and stammered his way over to Bella. "I fucking love you, Bella. You are…" he stopped short. He pressed his finger to his mouth – lost in thought. "Awesome," he finished with a slur and threw his arms around Bella's neck.

I laughed a chesty laugh. He was right. Bella was "awesome". I had to give him that. I stood up to get another bottle, since we'd finished off the bottle of Jose during quarter bounce. "And you, Jake," Embry's words came out slurred together. "You better not fuck her…up. I mean. Don't fuck this up. You can fuck her if you want. I don't mind. Just don't fuck it up. It. Yeah," he breathed out heavily and waved his hand. "Never mind."

I wasn't too sure Embry would be making it much longer, but he latched on to some random brunette and went outside.

"You have a pretty ass," he slurred.

Bella coughed out a laugh. "He really has no game."

"None at all," I grabbed the bottle of Jim Beam. "I think it works for him. Want some?"

"Oh, that shit…no way. It makes me bat shit crazy," she waved off my offer with a scrunched nose.

I stuck out my bottom lip. "Please. I promise, I won't let you get too bat shit crazy."

"Jake," she whined.

"C'mon. We've never done this together. Just one shot. I won't ask again," I tried persuading her – giving her my best puppy face.

"Shit, alright. Just…if I start taking my clothes off…lock me somewhere," she blushed slightly. "And don't say I didn't warn you."

"Oh trust me, if you take your clothes off, then I'll definitely lock you somewhere," I poured two shots and handed her one. "Salt?"

"No," she said. She hesitated.

And suddenly, Jose hit me. I felt fucking amazing. A shit eating grin spread across my face. I felt myself wobble and steadied myself leaning against the counter. The tension, the drama, was all gone. My head felt light. My body felt invincible. I glanced at Bella. Her expression changed and a smile spread across her face too. She leaned against the counter and crossed her ankles.

"You're drunk," she hummed.

"Hmm…maybe," I slurred. My hand slithered around her waist and I drank my shot. My mouth went numb.

_Yeah. I was drunk._

Bella eyed me, and put her shot to her lips. "I've never seen you drunk before."

I smiled. I wasn't much different. Just a little more ballsy. My hand slid down the front of her skirt. She inhaled and slowly started to drink her Jim Beam shot. I slid a finger between her legs. Just as quickly as I had slid my finger between her legs, I slid it back out. She moaned into her shot and slammed it on the table.

"I see how you get yourself in so much trouble with drinking," Bella laughed. "Alcohol does something to you."

"You have no idea," I leaned into her hair and sniffed it.

Why was I always sniffing her?

I kissed her neck and trailed my tongue up to her earlobe. "You know, we haven't fucked since you've been back." Like I said, a little more ballsy.

"Yeah," Bella slurred. "I know."

Maybe it was the fact that I was pretty drunk, or maybe it was the fact that Bella could be an expert poker player with a stern face like that, but I couldn't read a thing into what she was thinking. All I knew was that I was entirely too horny and she was the love of my life. I couldn't wipe the shit eating grin from my face.

"Why not," I wondered.

"I…I don't know," her breathe caught.

"Let's…" I offered, but heard a howl and a crash. It was so loud that it tore my attention from Bella. I glanced over my shoulder to the living room. Embry was hanging from the ceiling. _Literally hanging from the ceiling._ His ankles anchored on one of the exposed beams, and he swayed back and forth howling. Bella burst into laughter ruining whatever chance I had to actually fuck her. Fuck it, I had more liquor.

"He's fucking nuts," I stated taking another shot.

The party kept going for what seemed like the whole night. Slowly people started to leave around 2 am. Of course, my pack and their _guests_ weren't going anywhere. They'd hold up house here until tomorrow sometime when Sam would call, then we'd all head over there for some sort of lame fun.

Bella and I drank just about everything in sight. Hammered, drunk, wasted..yeah, those didn't even begin to explain the drunken mess we'd gotten ourselves into. Luckily, we made it into my bedroom before Bella's clothes started to come off. She'd warned me, so when I noticed her tugging at the shirt she had on. I kept an eye on her. Even in my drunken mess, I was still looking out for my best girl. But, when she started to unbutton her skirt, I tossed her over my shoulder and fled to my room. She giggled the entire way.

I sat her down on her feet and shut the door.

"Lock it," she demanded. I did. "Sit!" She motioned to the oversized beanbag chair in the corner of my room. So, I headed over to the chair and sat down. Her eyebrows creased as she looked around my room. Her eyes evilly caught the radio and she pranced over to it. She blared it as loudly as she could.

The music dulled down the chaos on the other side of the door. Someone knocked but I ignored it. I heard rumbling and breaking in the next room. Whatever it was, Paul could handle it. He was third in charge after all. I had more important things to be doing right now. I bit my lip when Bella turned around and swayed her hips to the music.

She strutted herself over to me stopping to sway her hips and grind the air in the middle of the room. Her hands fisted two handfuls of her hair as she tossed her head back and slid her fingers down her neck and over her tits. I moaned and waved her over to me. In a few long steps, Bella was standing directly in front of me. She swayed to the music and ran her hands over her body.

"Are you trying to seduce me," I cocked my eyebrow at her and watched her bend at the waist. Her ass cheeks begged me to set them free. I reached my hand up and grabbed her ass tightly. I playfully smacked it. Surprisingly enough, she moaned my name.

"Is it working," she whispered removing my hand from her ass and kneeling in front of me. Bella leaned forward and licked my bottom lip playfully.

_Yeah. It was working. _

"Maybe," I teased. "I'm not sure though. Maybe you should strip."

"Strip," she seemed surprised. Her cheeks flushed.

"Yeah, strip."

"Okay," she mumbled turning away from me.

I focused my attention on her ass and watched as she slithered out of her clothes – leaving only her heels on. She tossed each piece of clothing at me, and when she was finally rid of the annoying clothes, she turned to me.

"God, you are fucking amazing," I groaned watching her as she licked her finger and trailed it over her chest, down her stomach, and between her legs. A gasp escaped her lips. Her finger began to move faster and her head fell back. My eyes dropped to where the action was taking place. She was so sexy rubbing herself for me, but I noticed the lack of scent in the air. I couldn't smell her arousal. But she was moaning, and bucking her hips. Maybe I was just too drunk to smell her.

"Fuck, Jake," she breathed out. I stood at the moan of my name and unbuttoned my jeans on my way to her. They fell around my knees. Stepping out of my jeans, I pushed my underwear to the floor and grabbed her wrists. I pushed them both behind her back and held them there with one of my hands. "What do you want to do with me Jake?"

"God," I mumbled forcefully kissing her. I bit at her lip and squeezed my fingers around her wrists.

"Bend over," I demanded. She twirled around in front of me and planted her hands on my bed. Her ass stuck high in the air. She bounced it and swayed it to the music. I cupped her ass cheek in my hand and then gave it a tight smack leaving a red mark. Bella groaned bucking her hips toward my cock.

"Is that what you want," my hand ran up her back and grabbed a handful of her hair.

"Oh, god, yes," Bella whimpered. "Fuck me, Jacob."

"Are you wet for me," I slurred my words even more. The liquor was starting to take me over.

"Mmmhmm," she wimpered. I couldn't smell her arousal, but I didn't care. I rammed myself deep inside of her – noticing immediately how dry she was. She screamed an echoing scream that bounced off of the walls. "Fuck me, Jacob." She coaxed me. "Don't. Stop."

I slid out of her and spit in my hand. I stroked my cock for a few minutes and then rammed deep inside of her. It wasn't too long after that, I blacked out. I couldn't remember a thing but Bella's screams. I came to when Bella begged me to cum inside of her. I felt her slick walls clench at me, and I couldn't hold back. I thrusted into her forcefully over and over. My hand yanked at the hair on the back of her head, and the other smacked her ass as hard as she could stand it.

"C'mon, Jacob. Do it," she growled shoving hard against me. "Just fucking cum already." Her eyes were glazed over. Her body covered in sweat. She bit her lip and pressed her back against my chest. The new sensation sent me in a downward spiral. Not too much later, I came deep inside of her cussing and growling the entire time.

We collapsed in the bed in the same position as we were standing in.

"You are amazing," my words became a haze and I no longer knew what I was saying. "You should marry me. Fuck it all. Just marry me."

"Jacob," Bella's voice came out rough. But, it was the last thing I remember until the next morning, when, apparently, all hell had broken loose.


	12. Rock Bottom

**Note & Warning: ****Language, language, language. Rated 'M' for a reason, folks.** So, you guys are awful lucky. Two updates in one night? Wow. I felt bad for leaving that awful chapter just out there to float around, so I gave you another chapter to ponder over. This one is the beginning of something beautiful. Trust me. Oh, btw, lyrics are from "Fall to Pieces" by Velvet Revolver. playlist(DOT)com/playlist/18784013067 (remove (DOT). Replace with actual dot.)

_  
"All the years I've tried  
With more to go  
Will the memories die  
I'm waiting  
Will I find you  
Can I find you  
We're falling down  
I'm falling"_

**Bella**

Last night was a mistake. Everything that happened, all of my plans – they were a huge mistake. I'd never planned on all of this happening. I didn't count on them being so out of control. It is a lame excuse seeing as how they are all werewolves, but most of them still had humanity intact. Humanity went out the window last night right with all of my inhabitations.

My stomach dropped. My body hurt. He was so rough. He'd never been that rough. And the way he treated me. God, he treated me like a slut. Didn't he see? Didn't he understand that I…I was only trying to be what he wanted. Those were the girls he liked. That's how he chose his women now. I'd decided to lower myself to his standards. It wasn't his fault. All I wanted was to be right for him. I just wanted to be what he needed. Tears slid down my cheeks.

I wrapped an arm around my stomach and squeezed myself. The massive black hole was forming in my chest again just like it had when Edward left. However, this time, it was my fault. It was my entire fault. I'd let myself get so carried away. But, I'd done it with good intentions. All I wanted was for him to see me. To really see me again. I wanted him to see past my mistakes and to my soul. He used to be able to do that without even trying. Now, he didn't even care to look. He didn't care to ask what was going on with me.

It had been his every intention last night to fuck me, but did he have to do it that way? I never imagined he would just ask me to strip for him – to put my body on display like one of his little sluts. I didn't want him to see me as a girl he fucked whenever he could. I wanted to be his girlfriend. I wanted to be…everything to him. Jacob would never see me for me again. He'd never see me in the same light after last night. I should have never talked everyone into doing that. God, I felt horrible.

_I felt dirty._

And to beat it all, I had good intentions. I wanted to show him that I knew how to have fun now. I wasn't uptight and bitchy. I had morals, but they could be persuaded against. Fun was my middle name in college. But it was always the same in college – just like now – I'd cry myself into a state of misery after a one night stand or a boy broke my fragile heart again by not calling me after I'd put myself out there. All I wanted to do right now was vanish and forget everything that had happened.

Maybe if I closed my eyes, clicked my heals together, and imagined my old bedroom at Charlie's, then I'd open my eyes and be there. I'd be 18. _Happy._ With Jacob...no, not Jacob, _Jake_. I'd be with Jake, and he'd make love to me tenderly. He wouldn't just ravage me like he had last night. He wouldn't use me as some cheap fuck. But, let's get this right. I wasn't Dorothy. And I definitely wasn't in Oz.

I squeezed my eyes together again. The hole in my chest burned. The tears seeping out of my eyes left a dark wet spot on the sheet below me. I rolled over yelping in pain. My head spun. The room tilted on its axis. My mouth became instantly dry.

"Ow," I winced as the light from the sun bled into my eyes.

"Hangover. Wonderful," I mumbled through a snotty nose and rubbed my eyes.

A black smear on the back of my hand caught my eye. Oh, right, make-up. I rolled my eyes. Who was I really trying to fool last night? No one would have believed that I turned into whoever the girl was last night. Make-up, slutty outfit without underwear, and curled hair just wasn't my style. Of course, in college, I'd taken better care of myself, but still…not to this point. I did my hair. I wore nicer clothes, but I – by no means – went without underwear in such a tiny little skirt. Of course, that's what you get for listening to hormone raging werewolves.

And when I'd called Emily yesterday to talk – after I frantically cleaned everything in sight when Jacob left - I didn't mean to intrude on Jacob's privacy. Emily just seemed so ready and willing with the information. So, when I let it slip that I saw something different in Jacob, she burst into a flowing river of gossip. She'd told me that Jacob had taken it so hard when I left. She told me that when he watched me leave, something inside of him snapped. And that he just stopped caring about everything. He shoved everyone away – his family, his pack, and his friends. No one could be around him. Not even Embry. But, when she told me about the night he was told he was going to become Alpha by the council and how he'd refused it, because he wasn't "worthy", my heart shattered into a million pieces. I knew Jacob would take it hard when I left, but I never imagined him thinking he wasn't worthy. Good thing the council knew what was going on with him, and decided they didn't need his input. They figured things would be better for him once he had responsibilities.

Em said he threw himself into a manic depression – blaming himself and telling himself if he could only be better. But she said that being Alpha did do him some good. And it did help him with himself, but it pulled him in a different direction. He was now leader of the "La Push Gang" and that made him a big name on the rez. Everyone knew Jacob, and everyone began to speculate and ask questions. So, as a front, Jacob began these parties. He wanted a reputation as a bad ass. He wanted to be seen as the strongest member of the tribe – not only physically but mentally.

But, I couldn't help to think that maybe she was a little wrong. Jacob had told me himself that I basically took his manhood away from him the day I left. He needed to prove to no one else but himself that he was a man. So, Emily suggested that I prove to him that I was, in fact, a woman. I figure, I did a pretty good job at that. It didn't take much coaxing of the pack to get them to come party – especially when Emily mentioned that she'd invite plenty of girls.

My head began to spin again. I didn't want to replay what happened yesterday in my head anymore. Look at where it got me…I felt like my insides were bruised. My hips ached with pain, and well, between my legs felt like I'd been fucked by a boulder. My heart thudded in my chest. I wanted to run. I wanted to get away. I needed to leave, but I couldn't. I couldn't do that to Jacob, again. I couldn't just leave. Not only for him, but for me. I needed to prove to myself that I wasn't relationship retarded. That, I, in fact, could settle down and be happy. But, why did I always want to run?

The tears flowed down my face like a leaky faucet. I felt a sob welling up in me. I could hear Jacob out in the living room talking to someone. He'd raise his voice, and the other would back down. It had to be someone from the pack. I hadn't seen Jacob since last night, when he'd drunkenly proposed to me. Obviously, I knew that he was only saying those things to me because of what I did. But, love, after all, was about sacrifice right? I could sacrifice my sanity for the one guy I loved more than I loved myself.

That didn't sound right. Weren't you supposed to love yourself first and then others second? I rubbed my forehead with my hand and winced in pain. I opened my eyes slightly and noticed the circular purple mark surrounding my wrist. My heart sank. Did he do this to all of the girls?

I cried. I was just another girl to him – another escapade in the trip that was Jacob Black's, Alpha Male, life. I'd never be able to capture him. He'd never love me like he used to. He'd never dedicate himself to me like he did before. My heart snapped with that thought.

Jacob would never be the same.

_Snap._

Jacob would never be _Jake_ again.

_Snap._

Jacob would never love me like he used to.

_Snap. Snap. Snap._

Sobs escaped my mouth. Tears freely escaped my eyes in a frenzy. I twitched with each cry and buried my face in my pillow. I would never be more to Jacob than just another girl he'd slept with. I, Isabella Marie Swan, had ruined everything, because I needed more. I ruined the perfect relationship for some lost dream – some lost fantasy of what I used to want.

I'd told myself that it wasn't about Edward. My leaving wasn't about Edward, but it was. Edward had offered me so much, and then when he left, he took it all away. All of my options disappeared. So, I settled for my best friend – the one guy I knew who would love me against all odds. But when it happened. It didn't seem like settling. It felt real. It felt natural. It felt intoxicating. It felt amazing. However, that only lasted long enough for me to realize my life was going nowhere. I was going to end up just like Charlie and Renee – married at a young age with a kid completely and utterly miserable. I'd blame Jacob for it. It'd be his fault. That was the decision maker. I would never blame Jacob for offering me his world, so I decided leaving was the only option I had left. And now, look at what I'd done. Look at me; I was acting like a silly lost little girl trying to capture the love interest of a masochistic boy. Who was I kidding?

I tried to stand up – to pull myself out of this oblivion. My knees gave out on me and I fell to the floor with a giant thud. My bruised wrists smacked against the hardwood floor. My aching hips dug into the surface below me, and my regret, anguish, and fear seeped out of my eyes and down my cheeks. The frustration, the self hatred, and the love I held for Jacob – it all fell out of me in loud obnoxious sobs. My chest heaved and caved. I bled tears onto the floor. My body crumbled.

_He'll never love you for you._ My mind echoed over and over. Every time my body would twitch and sob with pain and regret. What had I done? How could I have walked away from someone so precious and so beautiful? I should have known that it would leave him in a million pieces. I broke him.

Sobs escaped me in a shockingly loud and heart wrenching cry. I was losing it. I was lost. I couldn't find my way out of this. I needed…

Jacob's russet arms wrapped tightly around me and pressed me to his chest. I hit him. My fists slammed into his bare chest. I knew it wouldn't hurt him. I knew it wouldn't matter, so I did it harder. I hit him harder and faster and screamed out words that I didn't even recognize. He looked at me shamefully. He was ashamed of me. My mouth gapped open and the words stopped. I sobbed loud heavy gasps of air. The tears dripped onto his skin in a sizzle.

"Shhh," he whispered into my hair. He kissed my head over and over. His lips gentle and kind – nothing like last night. "It's ok."

Only, I couldn't respond. I couldn't do anything but sit there tied up in his arms and sob. I was angry at him. I was angry that he'd done that to me. That he'd used me. I wanted to hit him – to hurt him physically. My arms reached up to hit him again – only they limply fell at his shoulders. I could feel myself losing control of everything with each and every sob. Jacob slowly began to rock me back and forth. It was soothing.

_Back and forth._

_Back and forth._

"What happened?" a familiar voice came from the doorway.

"Leave. All of you, just go. I'll…I'll call you guys later. Just…please, go," he almost begged them. His voice quivering. And with a final, "GO!" His voice broke and sobs left his chest. He squeezed me against him tightly and mumbled words I couldn't hear. His lips pressed deep into my hair kissing me over and over again. Jacob tried to pull me against him harder, but I refused. I couldn't let him close to me again. I couldn't. I just…couldn't.

I pressed my hands against his chest trying to pull myself out of his grasp. His arms clutched at me – begging me silently to stay. I freed myself elbows length away. My hands pressed hard into his chest. I stared at them. They mocked me. Both bruised and pale taunting me to try to get away. Asking me to free myself from this animal that had nonetheless attached me last night. I began to shake as the sobs became louder. I was doing it again. I was trying to pull away.

Jacob's face tilted down trying to read me. He was trying to read me. Then, his gaze followed mine to my wrists, and with a whimper he pulled me into him again. "God, Bella, I'm so sorry." He kissed my forehead over and over again. He cupped my tear stained cheeks in his hands and forced my face to look at his – only he couldn't make my eyes. I stared at his lips. His eyes would tell me just how much of a slut I was. And how stupid I was for ever thinking he could love me again.

His hands fell from my face and he tried to speak, "Bella, please, you…I'm…You have to…I didn't mean to…It's just that you were...and I was…and…Fuck." He yanked me into his lap and pressed my head against his chest. He slowly began to rock us both back and forth again.

_Back and forth._

_Back and forth._

My heart began to mend itself slowly. My tears faded to just drips instead of flowing rivers. My sobs were now gasps for air. My body was still frail and fragile. My insides still burned and the gaping black hole was still radiating from my chest. _He'll never love you the same._

I couldn't escape my own thoughts. _It was never meant to be._

_Back and forth._

_Back and forth._

_You're just a slut, Bella. How could you possibly think you'd get away with something like that?_

"I love you, Bella. God, I love you so much," Jacob's voice was full of confusion, heart break, and fear. He feared my leaving him again. "Please, just don't…don't leave again. Alright? Whatever's wrong. I can fix it. I'll fix it. Just give me some time. Bella, please, just give me some time. I know…I know that…"

_He's lying to you Bella._

_Back and forth._

_Back and forth._

"I know that I'm not the same. I can change, Bells. Please, just don't..don't go anywhere. I'll never survive you leaving again. I can't. We have to fix this. We have to. You and me. It's just…it's just us. We'll make it work. Please, just…I love you, Bells. I love you so much."

He kept repeating himself. My hair became damp with his tears. My head was aching from the constant mumbling and the sobbing I'd done. My forehead felt chapped from his lips kissing me over and over again. I breathed out heavily. My stomach clenched. A warm water taste came into my mouth. I froze. Oh. No. I felt a flip in my stomach and a gag in the back of my throat.

_Back and forth._

_Back and forth._

"Jake," I tried to break his back and forth trance. "Uhh..I think…I think I'm going to get sick."

I ran to the bathroom not caring who was there or what was happening. Thankfully, my stomach kept itself in order until I made it to the toilet – where I graciously began to worship the porcelain Gods. I was clammy with sweat, and my eyes burned from tears. I couldn't bare any more embarrassment. Everything was wrong. Everything.

I heaved more._ Please, God, don't let me make a complete fool of myself._

I rested my cheek on the cool seat of the toilet not caring who had been there before me. Jacob's feet stomped into the bathroom. He shut the door behind him and knelt down in front of me. His eyes were blood shot, puffy, and red. I'm sure I looked worse what with all the eyeliner and mascara running down my face. I breathed out deeply.

"You okay," his eyebrow lifted at the end of his question. I knew he meant more than just me throwing up. I didn't want to answer, but I had to. He deserved it after all I had put him through.

"I will be," I whispered closing my eyes as the room began to spin. "I don't…I'm not feeling well Jake."

"Are you, ya know, done?" He pushed my hair behind my ear and ran his fingers over my arm.

I nodded my head yes, and hoped to God I really was. With that, he lifted me in his arms and carried me through the house – which was full of people. I glanced over his shoulder before he kicked his door open. There was a police cruiser in the front yard. Wait..what?

"Jake," I spoke as he kicked the door shut. "There's a police car outside."

"Yeah," he huffed laying me on the bed. He tucked me in tightly and planted a kiss on my forehead. He smiled at me sweetly.

"Well, what happened," I sat up on my elbows.

"Um…you…you remember that girl that came by a few days ago…you know..the girl with the bra," Jake was flustered and ran his fingers up and down the back of his head.

I nodded. A ball of fear formed in my gut. I only hoped I wouldn't throw up in his bed.

"Well, she…she hasn't been seen since that night. Her friends said this was the last place they saw her, which is true. But, after she left, she never made it home or to work. So, they're here to ask some questions. They found her car over by the uh…" he stopped and eyed me for a second. It looked like he was sizing me up to see if I was going to break into a million pieces again. "By the Cullen's house. Her things were still in the car, but she was gone. Her hood was up. Looked like she was having car trouble. I dunno."

Jacob shoved his hands into his jean pockets – like he always did when he was trying to figure things out. He shrugged and looked at me. This time he really looked at me. His eyes were full of sorrow and guilt. "Look, Bells. Can we talk after they leave? I know there's plenty…"

"Yeah, no, go ahead," I sighed laying down. Jacob's gaze seemed distant, but he turned on the ball of his foot and walked to the door. He grabbed the knob and twisted it. The door opened slightly and then he looked back at me apologetically.

"Just one more thing…" he breathed out. "You…know I love you right?"

I nodded in agreement.

"And that…I'm sorry about last night?"

I shrugged. His eyes dropped and he walked out the door – closing it swiftly behind him.

I didn't know he was sorry. What else was I supposed to do just blankly agree to his apology? I don't think so.


	13. Questions from a Bowl

**Note & Warning:** You guys should follow me on Twitter! .com/imaginaryheartx/ You'll be able to see when I'm writing and when an update can be expected. Plus, I'll love you guys forever. Not that I already don't, you know, because you guys give fantastic reviews. Please, keep them coming. Hope this chapter helps fill in some gaps. We're really starting to move into the next part of the story. Twists and turns are ahead. Watch out! No lyrics this time. Couldn't really find one set that did something for me. Just listen to the playlist: playlist(DOT)com/playlist/18784013067 (remove (DOT). Replace with actual dot.)

**Bella**

My reflection stared back at me. The eyes that looked me over were swollen and red around the edges. My chestnut brown hair seemed to still shine in the mess of a ponytail on top of my head. A few strands of hair had leaked out around my face. I pushed them back with the side of my hand. I caught a glimpse of what the bruises around my wrist would look like to someone else in the reflection of the mirror. Honestly, they didn't look all that bad. My 12 hour old bruises contrasted against my skin in a shockingly beautiful way. The fresh purple had faded a small amount and now a bluish tint peaked around the edges. I wrapped two fingers around the bruise. You could barely tell they were there. I suppose the only reason they seemed so dark to me was because I knew they were there. I sighed and looked at myself again.

The girl in the mirror me chewed her bottom lip nervously. I looked different, but it was still me. I couldn't let this get the best of me. I couldn't let what had happened get to us. It was just as much my fault as it was Jacob's. Yes, he was by far nothing short of a jackass, but it wasn't his fault that he fell into my trap. I'd come clean to him when we talked. I'd tell him everything. I'd even tell him about Elijah. Then, tomorrow, when I left to go stay at Charlie's I'd get the real answer to my question. Was I enough for him? Would I be enough for him? Was I still what he wanted?

I sighed at my reflection and forced a smile on my face. It was fake. I could not fake happiness. Everyone knew that. So, why was I trying to fool myself into thinking that I was happy. I would be happy eventually, but it'd take time and a lot of work. The first, and most important, thing I needed to work on was my emotions. I couldn't let them get the best of me anymore. I simply couldn't just react on a whim. I needed thought. I needed rationality. A laugh escaped my chest and I smiled genuinely at myself.

Would I ever be able to be rational?

"Yes, sir. I was here all night," Jacob's voice rose above my thoughts.

He was talking to Deputy Scruthers about "bra-girl". I don't know why they wanted to talk to Jacob. He had an alibi. But, I suppose since he had been one of the last people to see her, it was important that they get his story. I'd over heard him recant his story three times since I'd been in here. Deputy Scruthers was only doing his job, but he had to answer to my father. Since Scruthers didn't know I was here, and that I was Jacob's alibi, he'd probably been forcing more questions than needed.

"Were you alone, son?" Scruthers asked pointedly and cautiously. He hadn't asked that question before. Odd.

Did they think he did something? Jacob couldn't hurt anyone – even the Jacob I didn't know. Scruthers was going passed the point of asking simple questions. He was interrogating Jacob. I huffed.

"No, I was with uhh," Jacob turned his attention to me as I walked out of the bathroom. He wasn't sure if I wanted them to know that I was here now and that night. If it was going to help them leave Jacob alone, then I didn't care.

"He was with me," I spoke walking to the couch and sitting next to Jacob. He grabbed my hand and eyed me through the corner of his eye. He squeezed my hand thanking me for saving him.

"Isabella," Deputy Scruthers sounded surprised. "When did you get back here?"

"About a week ago," I plastered a smile on my face. "The night that girl went missing actually."

"Does your father know you're here," Scruthers began putting his pen and pad up. I was a person of my word. I'd never lied to anyone. Well, besides keeping the Cullen's secret, and Jacob's too. But, I never actually told a lie. I was very much an honest person – until last night. Even then, I only omitted the details. I bit my jaw as punishment and nodded my head. "Is that true, Jacob?

"Yes, sir. Bella called me at about 11pm. And she got here about…an hour or so later. We, uh," he sheepishly glanced at me. "She's been here since." A wide smile passed across his face. He squeezed my hand again.

Scruthers stood and motioned his head to the other officer with him. He must have been new, because I hadn't recognized him. "Shaun, I think we have as much as we can get, so we should go."

"I think you're right," Shaun stood next to Scruthers. "Isabella, Jacob." Shaun shook Jacob's hand and then mine. He looked me up and down almost hungrily. I shivered. "You look like Chief Swan. He should be proud to have such a beautiful daughter."

_Inappropriate._ "Well, thanks," I shied away tangling my fingers into Jacob's. Shaun glanced down and nodded in recognition.

"And you, son, you better take care of her." With that Shaun walked out the door with Deputy Scruthers, who only nodded a goodbye, behind him.

"Remind me to talk to Dad about _Shaun_," I laughed and rested my head on Jacob's upper arm.

"Awkward," his voice rang with a laugh.

For a while, we sat in silence. There was a bit of tension and awkwardness, but we both knew that it was only because of the upcoming conversation. I was still uneasy around Jacob. He'd ravaged me just half a day ago. Now, he was different. His attitude seemed different. His shoulders didn't seem so weighted down. His face didn't seem to be so clouded. Maybe he figured something out that I hadn't.

Let's be honest. Jacob's mood swings depended on the time of day. And I'm sure my being here didn't help anything. I suppose I could be the cause of his mood swings. His mood swings didn't even come close to Edward's when we'd first met. Jacob simply seemed…torn between himself and this other guy he'd created. I wanted him to get back to himself. I wanted to accept him. And I wanted him to know me – the girl who throws herself at guys and cries herself into a self hatred blaze when they reject her or reality rears its ugly head.

Jacob was still Jacob. He just had this whole other persona about him. He had this cocky, dick head attitude that shed no light on his loving, happy, and caring side. Jacob was a werewolf. There was no other way to explain it. He was physically and mentally torn each and every day by simply breathing. He knew way too much. His soft dark eyes had seen more than he should have in his 20 years. The lines around them spoke a thousand pictures. The constant crease between his eyebrows revealed his worry and trouble. He was not the Jacob that I'd first met, and I knew that a long time ago. But, what I hadn't realized is how much that would take away from him. His sun was slowly burning out.

He sighed signaling the fact that he was just as ready to talk about things as I was. There was no time like the present. The talk had to happen before I left to stay at Charlie's. This talk should have happened the day after I showed up. What was I saying? It should have happened before I had shown up. But yet again, my whimsical attitude had taken its toll on both Jacob and I. There was nothing I wasn't willing to do to fix the mess we'd found ourselves in. A loud growl tore me from my thoughts.

Jacob patted his stomach and laughed. "I guess I'm hungry." He sounded relieved.

"Want me to cook something," I tried to hide the determination in my voice.

"Um…how about some pizza?" Jacob's eye glanced up to me. His cheeks were slightly pink. His face soft and somber. He sighed. "We can't avoid this conversation any longer, Bells."

"I know," my stomach filled with an odd nervous feeling. "I really am not ready for it."

"Me either. I don't think either of us will ever be 'ready'. But, if we want it…" he tried to find the right words to say. "If we want to be together, this has to happen."

I nodded my head in agreement. "I have so many questions, Jake. I just don't know if I have the nerve to ask them all." The thought scared me. There were so many intimate and detailed questions I wanted answered, but my ego wouldn't allow me to ask them.

"So, why don't we make a game out of it. Well, not really a game, but…it'll just make it easier," Jacob's face lit up. He was thinking the same thing. He wouldn't be able to get all of his questions out of his mouth either.

"What do you mean," I was puzzled.

"We'll both get a sheet of paper and write all of the questions we want to ask on them. Then, we'll tear them and fold them. Put them in a bowl and we'll draw a question." He coughed. His voice clouded with emotion. His nerves were getting the best of him.

"But, how…how do we know who asked what? I mean, what if it was a question you wanted to ask me, but you drew the question?"

"Both of us will answer it. That way there's nothing left to the imagination," Jacob stood up and walked to the desk across the room. He grabbed a notebook and two pens. I took the initiative and grabbed a bowl from the kitchen. I suppose it was a good idea. Leave it to Jacob to find the weirdest way to make something at least a little bit more comfortable. He was interesting to say the least.

As I returned to the living room, Jacob was on the phone ordering the pizza. I sat the bowl on the coffee table and grabbed the notebook from his lap. Quickly, I tore two sheets of paper out and tossed the notebook next to me. Handing a piece of paper to Jacob, and taking a pen from his hand, I began to rack my brain with the questions I desperately needed answered. Surprisingly enough, they flowed from my brain, through my arm, and out the point of the pen onto the paper. All I had to do was simply think of the question and it would magically appear on the paper in front of me.

I sighed when my brain couldn't think of any more questions. Glancing at the paper, there seemed to be at least 50 questions. I blushed at my overzealousness. I peeked over at Jacob's paper that looked like he had just as many questions. He caught me and jerked the paper from my view with a laugh.

"No cheating!"

I laughed at him and felt an ease about myself. Simply getting those thoughts out of my brain had worked miracles on my mood. I felt light and feathery. I relished in the moment, because I knew not too long from now I'd be crying or laughing or gushing out these horrible stories. So, before I could change my mind, I began ripping the questions off of the page and folding them. Jake followed suit. I finished folding my questions before he did, so I got up and walked to the radio. I turned it on and jumped a few feet in the air as it blared from last night's party. I rotated the volume knob down to an audible level as Jacob finished up folding his last few questions. I watched him intently. He seemed a little flushed and flustered. He swallowed thickly as he tossed the last question into the bowl.

My knees wobbled. I sat down cross legged before I could run. My heart pitter pattered in my chest. Fast then slow. Hard then soft. My hands became clammy. I sighed. Jacob grabbed the bowl and I gasped. His expression dropped down to me, and he smiled only slightly.

"Relax. I'm just mixing them up."

I mouthed an 'oh', and then watched him sit the bowl carefully back into the center of the coffee table. I was sitting across the coffee table from him. My eyes watching the bowl attentively as if it were going to move. I glanced up at Jacob, and he seemed to be doing the same. Neither of us could gather up enough courage to grab a tiny piece of paper. I shivered, and cleared my throat.

Jacob took that as a hint for him to go first. He reached his shaking hand across the table and into the bottom of the bowl. My breath caught. We were really going to do this. I felt the panic set in. My toes were tingling with fear. My eyes were frantically blinking trying to keep the tears at bay. Carefully, Jacob opened the folded paper. He scratched his nose with the back of his hand as he read the question silently. A puzzled look came over his face, and the worry crease reappeared. He sat back in his seat, pressing his head into the back of the couch. He studied the question like it was asking him what the answer to life was.

"Jake," I spoke softly. "Can you read it out loud? I have to answer it too."

"Uh, yeah," He sat back up and rested his elbows on his knees. He held the piece of paper between both of his index fingers as if it were as fragile as a piece of glass. "Why do you love me after all I've put you through?"

It was my question. I cursed myself silently for even thinking to write that down.

"I don't know," he whispered ashamed of his response. "I honestly don't know why. I just do, Bella. If I didn't love you, then…then…I wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't be able to be what I am. Without you, I am nothing. I will cease to exist the moment your heart stops beating. My life lies within your life. You are the most precious thing to me. Even after everything – I love you. I'll always love you."

His words were spoken clearly as if he'd thought about his answer before. As if someone was whispering them into his ear to speak to me. I felt a tear trickle out of my eye. It didn't matter that he didn't have one particular reason that he still loved me. It only mattered that he still loved me with every part of him. The question was void now.

Jacob raised his eyebrows at me and gave me a quick smile on the corner of his lips. I suppose he satisfied himself with that answer too. "Your turn to answer." His face seemed to dull. His eyes fell to the floor. Was he afraid that I didn't love him because of what he'd done last night?

"Jacob," I started, but stopped. I breathed a deep breath. "_Jake_, I…you mean the world to me. You always have. That never changed and it will never change. The things I go through with you are by my own choice. I chose you, Jake. I chose to love you, and I will for the rest of my life."

_Well that was easy._ My eyes stuck on Jacob. He was absorbing every word that left my mouth. I saw his chest swell a little and his breath caught. He nodded his head slightly and tangled his fingers together. He wasn't going to look at me. No matter how hard I stared at him. He wouldn't look at me. I sighed and grabbed the question from the top of the pile.

The paper seemed to unfold itself. And three tiny letters stared back at me. They were the three tiny letters that I simply wanted to avoid. I didn't want to answer his request. I no longer wanted to play this silly little cat and mouse game. This should be over with. Instead of listening to all the self doubt – to all of the fear – I bit my lip and let the word leave my mouth.

"Why?"

Jacob lifted his concentration from the floor, and his dark eyes brimmed with tears. He pressed his thumb and index finger into his eyes and wiped them away. He let a breathe escape his lips and he pushed himself back on the couch. He stared at the ceiling – watching the fan blades spin.

A lump formed in my throat. He knew the answer. He was only torturing himself. He wanted to pay himself back for the way he'd treated me. I was trying to justify my answer, but I knew none of the reasons were good enough. They never would be, so I swallowed what little bit of pride I had and let the words part my lips without thinking.

"I was scared. Forks…was never meant to be my home, but when I met Edward," Jacob looked at me. His expression became angry. "Just listen…when I met Edward, Forks didn't seem so bad. But, I knew, with him, we were going to go places, and do things I'd never done. Then…he left. All of those dreams were gone. Everything was gone. And then, there was you. You were there to pick me up and piece me back together. You loved me for what I was –not what I was becoming. And suddenly, this felt like home – La Push, Forks…you. It all felt ok, but I still…I was so scared of that thought. I mean, look at my mom and Charlie. They were just like us. Mom blamed Charlie for being stuck here, and I could not do that to you. I was never going to blame you for offering me the world. So, I took off. I escaped to many different places that only reminded me of home…of you."

The words. They made since in my head, but when I spoke them, they began to sound so dumb and ignorant. So, I had to tell him. "I know it's dumb and ignorant. Believe me, I know how stupid it was to leave you. I don't regret leaving Forks. I don't regret my experiences. I regret leaving you. I regret never giving you that chance to experience life and have you with me." That sounded a little better.

I watched the wooden coffee table. It seemed to breathe with the intensity in the room. I wanted to know what he was thinking. How he felt, but I couldn't tear myself from the dark stained wood. I could hear his breathing. It would catch and he'd hold it for a second, then he'd exhale exasperatedly. I closed my eyes preparing myself for the blow that would come next.

"Why I did what I did is just plain stupid. I did it because I needed to feel whole. I needed to know that I was and still am capable of being something. Of course, I knew there was a part of me that did it because I knew I was hurting you somehow, someway. And that satisfied me. I figured maybe you could feel it from wherever you were," Jacob's voice came out as a disappointed version of himself. He shook his head and rubbed his temples. His hand quickly shot to the bowl on the table and he jerked a piece of paper. He wasn't quite as delicate with it as he was the others. I'm sure he didn't want to know my reaction to his answer. "Did you fall in love with someone else?"

My eyebrows furrowed, and jerked my head back. I didn't write that. He…did he have his suspicions? I closed my eyes and dropped my head. This was going to be hard. And a part of me wasn't sure if I was scared to answer the question, or if I was scared of his answer. I swallowed and wrapped my heart in a steal door.

A chuckle came out of him. I stared at him in disbelief. "Now, that's just plain ridiculous. Of course, I didn't."His smile ceased when he glanced at me. I suppose it was written on my face, because his russet skin became almost as pale as me. My heart sank to my feet. He just stared at me with a dumbfounded look on his face. Maybe he shouldn't have written that question if he didn't want to know the answer.

I opened my mouth to begin my story about Elijah, when a knock came at the door. I squealed and jumped up. I almost hugged the pizza guy. He was my savor. I would worship him and his lovely pizza if he wanted me to. I handed him the bills from my back pocket and brought the pizza to the table. Jacob's expression had softened a little, but he wasn't anywhere near his normal self. We both grabbed a slice of pizza, and I took my seat across from him again. His eyes fell to the piece of unfolded paper and then back to me.

"So, you fell in love while you were gone," his voice was almost molding into what he thought he should sound like.

"Uh, well, yeah, I guess you could say that," I mumbled through a bite of pizza.

"What was his name," Jacob firmly asked.

"His name was Elijah. And well, he was…the only reason I went for him was because he wasn't like you and he wasn't like Edward. That satisfied me for a few months, and before long, he said he loved me. I didn't know why. I couldn't comprehend it…"

"Bella, I get it. You don't know why people love you. So, just tell me how you fell in love with him," Jacob's voice growled at me. He polished off another slice of pizza and sat back refusing to look at me again.

"O..o..ok. Well, when he told me he loved me, I only said it back because I didn't want him to feel bad. But, as time went on, and he stuck by me, I learned to love him. I learned what it was like to just love someone because you had no other options. I don't think I was ever really "in love" with him. I just loved him," I finished the short version of our story.

Jacob wasn't satisfied with that explanation though. He attacked me with what felt like a dozen questions about my love for Elijah, and why I ended it with him too. Every question seemed to probe a little deeper into my heart and I silently cursed myself for hurting both Elijah and Jacob. Mostly, I felt bad for Elijah, because he never had a chance.

"So, you're telling me that you never loved that douche, Elijah? You just felt bad for him and eventually grew to love him. And that he wasn't me and that's why you left?" Jacob sounded like he didn't believe me.

"Yes. Jake, I wouldn't lie to you," I mumbled tearing a slice of cheese from my pizza.

"Alright," he huffed closing the pizza box and tossing it in the floor. "Pick a question."

So, I did. We kept our game up. Some of the questions weren't so hard. Some were, but we managed. The answers were the hardest parts. It became easier over the hours to pick a question, but the answers never ceased to be hard. Both of us eventually had broken down into tears, and we both swore at each other. There were questions that made us laugh, and questions that flat out didn't make sense or that we'd already answered. But, at the end of the evening, there was only one question left in the bottom of the bowl. Jacob and I looked at each other and then to the paper. He swallowed, reached his hand into the bowl and read the question aloud.

"Will this ever work?"

We looked at each other and in a cohesive response, we smiled at each other. "Yes."

"Well, that was interesting," I huffed standing and stretching to my tip toes. My body popped and cracked causing me to groan out.

"That it was," Jacob smiled. "I think we answered some questions though."

"Ya think," I raised my eyebrow at him and laughed.

He cackled my sweet and glorious laugh. With a huge grin, he stood and stepped to me. His arms wrapped around my midsection. Jacob planted a soft and gentle kiss on my lips. "I'm glad you changed your mind and came back. I am." His eyes twinkled and his smile spread up to them.

My arms snaked around his neck and I let out a sigh. "Me too." My voice came out like a whisper. "I don't want to leave, but I know I have to."

"Yeah, you do. I have…" he stopped what he was saying. His lips brushed mine again. "I have some things I need to work on. I promise you that after I'm done, we will be together. I promise you that." He rubbed his nose to mine.

"Ok." I whinned. "Jake, what are we, technically?"

"Technically, we need to be just friends. I know how it sounds. I don't like saying it either, but it's best for the both of us. We know what we want, and nothing is going to stop us. Nothing will get in our way ok," he reassured me. Even when letting me down, Jacob knew how to kindly build me back up. I was so grateful to have him in my life.

"Jake, I don't think I can just be your friend," I whispered. I didn't want to realize the truth, but I had to face the music. I couldn't be just a friend to him again. Not after I'd experienced his love…our love. I needed him like I needed air to breathe. I buried my head in his chest and inhaled his scent. Tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to do this. So, I better get as much of it as I possibly can.

"Then, let's not put a label on it. We are Jacob and Bella," he whispered into my hair kissing it tenderly.

"Alright, no label's, "I replied. My mouth formed a straight line. I wasn't exactly happy with that, but what did I expect? Rome wasn't built in a day.


	14. Saying Goodbye

**Note & Warning: It happens. Language. Sex. Drinking. Sexy yummy werewolves. Deal with it.** So, I went through the other day and edited the playlist. Some of the songs just weren't going with the story now. I also updated the note at the beginning. I think everyone should go check that out. Let's see, there were a few additions to the playlist including: Black Label Society – Damage is Done; John Mayer – Edge of Desire; Boys Like Girls – Go. Of course, I added them to the playlist for you guys. Check that out here: playlist(DOT)com/playlist/18784013067 (DOT should be an actual dot.). Also, if you want to, you can follow me on Twitter. It's twitter(DOT)com/imaginaryheartx . I Twitter a lot. Especially when I'm writing. Or you can follow me on Tumblr : imaginaryheartx(DOT)tumblr(DOT)com . Tumblr is way , yeah. I'm rambling. Thanks for the reviews! You guys are absolutely amazing. **Lyrics are from Boys Like Girls – Go**. BTW – Happy 2010!! =)

"_Believe the tunnel can end  
Believe your body can mend  
Yeah I know you can make it through  
'Cause I believe in you  
So let's go put up a fight  
Let's go make everything alright  
Go on and take a shot go give it all you got  
Oh yeah I know that it's not easy  
I know that it's hard  
Yeah it's not always pretty"_

**Jacob**

The clock on my nightstand said it was 5:30 am. It was morning, but still dark. The sky was full of grey ambiguous clouds. The moon was completely invisible. Off in the horizon, the slightest shade of pink and orange peaked over the ocean. The sun was coming up any time now. Then, I'd have to face reality. Today, Bells would leave. She'd walk out of my life and leave me to be while I worked out the kinks in my life. There was so much left to fix, and so many things left to say. I hadn't thought about how hard this would be. After all, she'd only been here a little over a week. She'd weaseled her little way into my heart. The blackness that reigned there seemed to be nuzzled to the side. She was my light in the dark. She was my sunrise.

I closed my eyes and inhaled her sweet strawberry scent. I loved that she never changed the shampoo she used. I loved that no matter how long it had been and no matter who else she'd been with, that she still wanted me. She'd finally figured out what I was trying to tell her so long ago. I told her then. But, Bells was stubborn. She had to figure it out herself. No one could force her to see the truth unless she experienced it herself. I loved and hated that about her. Mainly, because, I was the one who always ended up hurt. This time, though, it was going to be different. I would make sure of that.

But, there was plenty of work still left to be done. I had to accomplish it, because she believed in me. Her belief in me made me feel invincible against anything. I mean, technically, I was invincible against anything. But, with her next to me, with her belief in me, I could accomplish anything. My life was fixable. My mistakes were just that…_mistakes_. I could make this all work with just a little bit of time and effort.

Time and effort I had. My inspiration laid next to me with her tiny body pressed tightly against mine. Her breathing even and deep. She was the only person I would do this for. She was everything to me. I kissed the back of her head with that thought.

It would be tough. It wasn't going to be pretty. It was going to be hard, but there was a new felt determination. The dream I'd had at 16 was within sight. I could feel it. I could see her on our wedding day all dressed up in white. And I could just picture the way she would look with her belly round with my...with _our_ child. _Our _child would hopefully look like her and less like me. I could only imagine our first born having my dark skin and her soft brown hair. Our child would be perfect as long as it was ours.

My dreams. My thoughts were never this vivid back then. I could never really see the child we would have and I could never really see the way her cheeks blushed when the pastor announced us man and wife and finally gave me the chance to kiss my bride. But, there was something about tonight that brought out every last detail of my dreams. I'd spent most of the night thinking about the way our life would be once all of this mess was figured out.

In just a few short hours, I'd have to give her up again. That thought kept haunting me. I'd have to leave her, so I could let go of whatever it was I kept holding on to. The past was the past. Today was my future. Today brought on new meaning in my life. Today would be the day that I would finally take that step forward. I could get up and go. I could take a chance. All I would have to do is breathe and remember that Bella was the reward in the end. This was most definitely not going to be easy. I was willing to do it though. I was willing to swallow my ego and right my wrongs.

Bella rolled over and rested her cool face on my chest. Burying my face in her hair, I inhaled her sweet innocence and kissed her forehead. She was my only reason to make it in this world. I had proven I couldn't make without her.

"Hi," she whispered into my chest. I loved how she could say that one little word and make my day.

"Hi," my mouth formed a smile without trying.

"What time is it?" She rubbed her eye then slid her arm around my stomach.

"6:45." _Had it been that long already?_

"Mmm. Why are you awake," Bella's fingers caressed up and down my side. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and laid on my back.

"Can't sleep."

She nodded her head on my chest. Her lips cautiously left a kiss over my heart. "I love you, Jake."

Those sweet tender words made my heart swell and break. I didn't want her to go, but she had to. I squeezed her tighter against me. "I love you too, Bells." I closed my eyes and soon drifted into a light and heart wrenching sleep. Morning would come way too soon. And Bells would be gone. _Again._

A feather light kiss rested on my lips. It almost tickled. I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't want to wake up. If I didn't wake up, then I didn't have to follow through with today's schedule. I'd rather just sleep. All day.

"Jake," a soft angelic voice rang in my ears. "Time to get up sleepy head." She tried messing up my already grungy hair.

I grumbled silently still keeping my eyes closed. Another kiss landed on my lips. A cool and soft sensation flitted down my stomach and back up. She tapped a finger on my breast bone.

"I don't want to," I whined.

"C'mon, Jake. You have to. It's already 3," Bella's breath hit my ear. She planted a sweet kiss there. Her finger traced my jaw. It stopped at my chin and delicately touched my bottom lip. I kissed the tip of her finger, and felt her palm rest on my cheek. I opened one eye and grinned at her cheesily.

"Alright, but only under one condition," my voice came out raspy and weak.

"What's the condition," Bella chirped.

"This weekend, you come with me to Sam and Emily's for a bonfire."

So, I hadn't exactly planned this out. I didn't know if I was going to invite her to come see me so soon after she left. But, I couldn't not invite her. She had to be there. She was such a huge part of me.

"Like a…" Bella swallowed, "date?"

"Hmm…" I hummed and pondered. "A date? Well, Ms. Swan I never thought you'd ask me to go on a date with you. You know, most men on the rez look down on women taking the first step." I held back the laughter waiting to erupt from my chest. My smile was timid and bleak.

"Jacob," she swatted my chest. "Be serious!"

"I am being serious. You know, I am an Alpha male. I like to keep my manhood intact – even if that means you not being able to ask me on a date," I choked on the laughter.

"Alpha male, huh," Bella's eyes twinkled with the sound of that.

I nodded my head in agreement. "Yup. I am _the_ Alpha." I flexed my chest and then my biceps – one at a time.

"Oh, you are _the _Alpha, huh? Sorry. Should I like bow in front of you or something," Bella's voice cracked. The laugh she was holding back crept onto her lips.

"As a matter of fact, they say that the Alpha is supposed to get the royal treatment. I mean, really, I haven't been treated very royally as of late," I barked out a small laugh holding the rest in my chest.

"Jake, you are by far the worst," Bella lost control of her laughter and cackled. She doubled over and laid her head on my chest.

Contentment seeped out of me. This was exactly what it was supposed to be like every single day of my life. She was my best friend, and she was the most amazing woman I'd ever met. Even when I was being difficult, Bells was there standing next to me knocking me right back down to where I needed to be. Although I was joking about the Alpha male crap, I wasn't joking about her coming with me to the bonfire this weekend. I really wanted her there. I'm sure Em would love to see her – as well as Sam. Even though he tried to act cocky and Alpha-like, he still had a heart and feelings.

"I'm serious though. I want you to come with me this weekend. And if you want it to be a date, then it will be," I whispered into the top of her head and squeezed her between my arms.

"I want it to be whatever it is, Jake. I'm not going to push. I'll always be here…persistent as ever," Bella's eyes reminisced the many times I'd told her that when she was with the blood sucker. I couldn't help but smile at her. When had the tables turned?

"It can be a date," I whispered.

She looked up from my chest and into my eyes – asking me silently if I was being serious. "Nothing serious. Just a date, ok? We'll let the seriousness happen on its own." I didn't want to push things either. Bella's eyes sparkled. Her lips twitched and she smiled.

"C'mon. We have to get up. I have to be at Charlie's in an hour. I promised I'd cook him and Billy dinner," the words left her mouth regretfully.

"Alright," I heaved a sigh.

***

Bella was sitting in the driver's seat of her truck with her feet facing out of the door. Her knees were bent and they pressed into my abdomen. My hands rested on the outside of her thighs. I tried to tell them to move. I tried to make them move, but they wouldn't. I couldn't let go – no matter how hard I had tried.

She never looked at me. She just stared at her hands. She picked at her fingers and dug at her nails. I was sure she was going to make herself bleed if she didn't stop. I knew she didn't want to go, but we'd been over this already. She had to. No matter how much neither us of wanted her to – she simply had to. It sucked.

I cleared my throat which coaxed a glance from her. She hadn't spoken to me since she asked me to help her with her bags. Bella stopped looking at me when I sat her in the seat of the truck and told her to be careful. She was upset and angry. She didn't have a right to be. This was still her doing. My fingers traced windy a path across the top of her thighs.

Bella's stare pressed into me, and I had to look away. My eyes darted to the steering wheel, the shifter, and the windshield. I couldn't look at her now. If I looked at her, I'd pull her into me and walk her back to the house – begging and pleading the entire way for her to stay with me. That couldn't happen. We knew it, but who knew this goodbye would be harder than the first?

She'd just be a few miles down the road – a 20 minute drive tops! And I could see her pretty much whenever I wanted, but I couldn't get the idea of her leaving me out of my mind. What if something happened? What if there was a leech merking around her house? What if she wrecked and no one was there to help her? The knots in my stomach only seemed to double. Why couldn't I do this? It would be just like before she left. We'd be together every day right?

"You'll…" her frail voice broke my thought, "call me, right?"

"Of course," I knew I sounded shocked. She raised an eyebrow at me.

"And we'll see each other," she whispered the statement as a question then she began to bite on her fingernail.

I covered her tiny hand with mine, and pulled it from her mouth. Gently, I kissed the spot she'd been biting and gave her a well forted but weak smile. "You know that we will." I tried to sound reassuring, but I wasn't too sure I bought it either.

Of course, I wanted to see her and talk to her as much as possible. But, what was as much as possible? And how would I feel in a day or two when she wasn't here and I was lost in my head somewhere trying to figure out this mess? I couldn't give her the answers she wanted to hear. I couldn't tell her that everything would be okay. All I could do was promise her that I'd try to make my life better so that I could include her in it.

"Look, Bells," I mustered up all the courage I had left and looked into her eyes. "I will try my damnedest to be there for you when you need me to be, but I can't tell you what you need to hear. All I can do is make a promise to you that I will try."

Her eyes dropped and she watched my chest as I breathed. She seemed to be lost in thought or fighting back tears. She'd put up the wall again. The wall that kept everyone, including me, out. I couldn't read what she was thinking. I couldn't tell what she felt. Her eyes brimmed with enormous tears as she looked up to me. Her bottom lip quivered.

I lost it. Tears stung at the corners of my eyes. My hands cupped her tiny face in them. The tears that I'd been trying to keep back fell effortlessly. "This isn't easy for me either."

"I know, Jacob," her voice mimicked what used to be a strong woman. "It scares me."

I bit the inside of my lip trying to keep the tears in. It wasn't helping, and I was breaking. I was scared too. I was, but I couldn't admit it. I couldn't let her see the fear in my eyes. I couldn't let her hear the fear in my words. I wanted her to walk away from this with a confidence. There was a possibility that it would be a false confidence, but I had the best of intentions and all the will in the world to keep me in check. I nodded my head. With a swallow, I tried to hide the fear.

"Don't be scared, ok? I love you. We are supposed to be, so don't be afraid of that. When there's a will, there's a way. And I have all the will in the world."

_That couldn't have come out better. _I thought.

The fear that resided on Bella's face seemed to be erased just a little. Her eyes gave me the slightest hint that she believed in me. That gave me a push start. My mind began to reel with all the things I needed to accomplish – all the things I needed to do. I smiled at her and pulled her out of the truck. Her legs dropped and dangled - the ground a foot or so below them. Her arms wrapped around my neck. I squeezed her tightly against me – remembering the feel of her tiny frame against me. I would have this again. I will have this feeling for the rest of my life.

"Jacob, I should probably go. I'm already late," Bella's whisper reached my ears in a sudden and unwelcome screech. Though she only whispered, the words pounded through my veins in a loud and obnoxious way. I'd been rewarded with time next to her, but that time was now at an end. However, this wasn't going to be the end of Bells and me. We were going to work – even if I had to turn back into a huge pussy again. I would.

"Yeah. Charlie might be worried," I felt my throat close in on itself.

This was it. This was goodbye. Again. I had to be tough. I had to prove to her that I was going to be ok without her – that somehow, someway, I would make this work. My confidence level needed fluffing. So, I thought about being her first; I thought about the looks she used to give me in the mornings; I remembered the times we spent hiking; I remembered the way she flirted with me when I saw her at First Beach for the first time. I remembered the way I felt when her hand reached out for mine for the first time. And I remembered the way her words rang in my ears like the sweetest song when she first told me she loved me too.

I sat Bella in the truck again. This time turning her so that she was facing the steering wheel. She grasped the wheel in her hands and held on tight as if the truck were going to rocket into the sky. I chuckled softly and bent my head in kissing her tiny white knuckles. "I love you, Bells." I told her again just in case she'd forgotten.

"I love you too, _Jake_," she emphasized my nickname. Was that supposed to mean something? I swallowed a breath and kissed her sweetly. A small bit of doubt began to eat away at the confidence I'd built. My hand reached for the keys, which were already in the ignition, and turned the truck over. "Guess, I have to go," she whimpered. Her tears spilled onto her cheeks.

In my own defense, I was only trying to protect her. I just wanted to make her feel like I knew we were going to be okay. So, I nodded my head and grinded my teeth together. If I didn't grind my teeth, then I probably would have burst into tears like a little girl who just lost her dolly. My breathing started to pick up. I was about to break.

"Jake, I can't close my door with you standing there," Bella's face seemed like stone. Her sights were set on the house in front of her. I sighed.

_What was I doing?_

"Yeah," my breath stopped. I stepped back and closed the truck door slowly – leaving my hands resting on the top seal of the window. I didn't want to say goodbye. I couldn't say goodbye. This wasn't goodbye. It was a see you later. So, I blew against the window of the truck fogging it up. With my index finger, I drew a heart and then kissed it in the center. Bella's hand flew to the window. Her tiny palm pressed hard against the glass. Her eyes filled with tears that were waiting to escape like the rest already had. She lipped an 'I love you'. I whispered it back letting a smile linger on my lips longer than I would have if I hadn't been trying to put up a front. She put the truck in reverse, and slowly began to back up.

I took a step back. My feet felt like cement blocks. They drew lines in the mud as I drug them back. My heart beat wildly in my chest. It quickened when she came to a stop and glanced at me. A smile formed on her delicate lips. She gave a quick wave. The beating of my heart stopped when she slowly began to pull back out of my yard. Her head faced the road behind her, and a tear trickled its way down my cheek.

_What was I doing?_

I couldn't move. I was like stone. There was no way I could move. If I moved, then I was sure that I would shatter into a million little pieces that she would never be able to put back together. Or I would run to the truck and beg her to never leave me again. Intently, I watched as she backed the rest of the way out of my yard and onto the road. The faded rusty truck stopped for a brief second – as if it hesitated – and then roared out of my sight.

My knees buckled, and I hit the ground. My hands dangled limply into the mud at my sides. And I couldn't tear my eyes off of the road she'd just driven away on. I had promised myself that I wouldn't let her just walk out of my life again, but I just did. I actually forced her out of my life. I only gave her a little window to come in every so often. What the hell was wrong with me?

_What was I doing?_

My heart sank. The scarred lines began to bleed. The stitches she'd so delicately woven were being ripped out inch by inch. I felt the old familiar sting of regret and fear in the pit of my stomach. I doubled over wrapping an arm around my midsection. I rested my head on the ground below me and closed my eyes tightly. I clenched my jaws together trying to keep back the pain and frustration – the regret – from intruding my thoughts.

I had to be strong. I couldn't let this hurt me. I had to … be without her. How was that even a solution? I couldn't grasp it. But, it was for the best. She'd learn that soon enough. I'm sure she already knew it was for the best. I was not what was good for her, but I couldn't help but betray myself every time I was around her. Bella deserved better than me. She deserved someone like… _Edward._

_What the fuck?_

Edward didn't do nearly as much as I did for Bella. He only tried to control her with every word he spoke. Hell, he didn't even let her speak for herself half of the time, but she loved him. She loved him more than she ever loved me. Would she ever love me more than she loved Edward? Would it even be remotely the same kind of love? Or did she just learn to love me like she did with Elijah?

And, seriously, what kind of name was Elijah? He was some stupid pretty boy college kid, who didn't deserve half of what was handed to him including Bella. So, why did I even compare myself to him? I was by far the better choice. I would always be the better choice, because I was the only one who could love Bella the way she needed to be loved. I knew that, but how the hell was I supposed to love her the way she needed when I couldn't even handle myself? I couldn't stand the fact that my life was so fucked up because of those stupid leeches. I turned into a fucking werewolf, and it ruined a good chunk of my life. If I hadn't turned into a werewolf, then things with Bells would have progressed sooner. And maybe then, she wouldn't have left the first time.

_What was I doing?_

Self loathing? Self hating? God, when did I turn into such a pansy? I needed to figure this out. I needed seclusion – away from this god awful strawberry reeking house and away from the hurtful memories. A thump in my chest reminded me that I was a werewolf. If I really wanted to get away, then I could. I could just phase and go live inside of my head until I had it all figured out.

The old familiar trembling of my body pulled me out of the dirt. I threw off the tennis shoes I'd put on earlier, and stripped out of my jeans. So, there I stood – naked and trembling – going back and forth between the thoughts of phasing and thoughts of staying human. Either way, I'd be trapped inside of my head for days. The only thing that really mattered was what I would prefer. Did I prefer torture with memories and scents? Or did I prefer the peace and quiet of the forrest?

That was easy. My body trembled and ached. My muscles burned. I started running. My feet moving faster than my brain. Before I knew it, I phased at the brink of the wood line, and didn't take a second glance back. Who knew how long I would be gone. I had to take that chance. I had to be strong, so that I could move on.


	15. Hello Again

**Note & Warning: ** **Language! **I probably will not be updating as often come Monday, Jan. 11. My classes start back then, and I will be concentrating mainly on that. I will still update. Probably once a week or every 2 weeks. Haven't decided yet. But, anyway, here's this. Hope you guys enjoy. It's pretty long. Oh, and the more reviews I get the faster the chapters will come. So anyway, in this chapter there's talk about a picture of Bella and Jake. There is a link to the picture that I was inspired by. Also, there's a link to a picture of how I see Jacob and Bella now and a picture of the 'gift'. Hope you guys like. http://i209(.)photobucket(.)com/albums/bb230/imaginaryheart/Then(.)jpg (remove the ()'s )

http://i209(.)photobucket(.)com/albums/bb230/imaginaryheart/Now(.)jpg (remove the ()'s )

http://i209(.)photobucket(.)com/albums/bb230/imaginaryheart/gift(.)jpg

Also, new song added to the playlist. Staind – Everything Changes. http://www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/18784013067

**Bella**

"_You can scream out loud  
But your pain falls on deaf ears  
This is where you've brought yourself  
And this is what you've always feared  
There's a faceless crowd, with no sympathy  
So you can scream out loud  
But there's no one listening"_

_**Framing Hanley – Built For Sin**_

_Sunday__._

The drive _home_ was excruciating. The pain in my chest only seemed to double when I hesitated leaving. I should have just gotten out of the truck and ran back into his arms. But, I didn't although everything in my body was being pulled to him. It was the oddest feeling. It was almost as if I could feel what he was feeling. I knew as soon as I was out of his sight that I probably wouldn't be seeing him very much – at least not until the bon fire. How I knew that was beyond me. It was almost a sixth sense telling me everything he seemed to feel. I suppose when I hesitated leaving that I saw all the pain this caused him.

Pulling into Charlie's driveway was oddly comforting and familiar. Not much had changed. He still parked his cruiser in the same spot. The bushes looked just as over grown as they did when I first moved back. The paint on the front door seemed to be chipped in all the same places – never getting worse and never being covered up. The biggest difference was the ramp leading to the front door. Wheel chair access for Billy… I sighed. So, even here, I was going to be reminded of Jake. My heart tinged in pain. They would want to know where he was, but I very well couldn't tell them that he had phased not 2 minutes after I had left. I couldn't tell them that we were still at odds, but oddly content with each other when it was just us. So, what was I supposed to say?

My door slammed shut next to me. I needed to get that fixed. The thought caused my heart to double beat in my chest. Jake could fix it. Before I had a chance to look up or think a second thought, Charlie engulfed me in a huge "welcome home" hug. I laughed into his chest and patted his back. I really had put him through too much. I suppose all the men in my life were in for pain when they were around me.

"Glad you're home, Bells," Charlie's voice was endearing.

"Me too," I smiled and looked up to my father. He had seemed to age more than he should have since I had been gone. His face full of worry wrinkles and the hair at his temples had a salt and pepper feel to them. He looked good though.

"How are you, Bella," Billy wheeled his way next to me. I pretended to not notice him eyeing the other side of the truck for Jacob. I sighed. Hopefully, they'd leave that subject alone.

Just the thought of Jacob caused a mirage of feelings. Some my own. Some, I'm sure, were his. I felt wobbly on my feet and wavered back and forth. Charlie steadied me resting his hand on my shoulder with a puzzled look on his face. My eyes fell to the ground and my lips dropped to a frown. I missed Jacob more than ever now. I worried for him, but strangely, I knew he was ok. He was simply figuring it all out. My stomach flipped, and I realized that I needed to answer Billy.

"I've been…better," I quaintly replied.

Billy nodded his head and looked over my face. He studied my features. Silently, he took in every bit of pain and anguish – both mine and Jake's - written on my face. The response I had expected was not given. He only smirked and turned his chair back toward the house.

"Don't worry, Charlie. She's going to be just fine," Billy yelled over his shoulder in a peculiarly confident way.

_What was that about?_

After feeding Charlie and Billy, who ate like a hungry pack of wolves, I headed downstairs to the basement. The walls were a dull shade of gray. The bricks protruded and gave the room a dungeon like feel. I breathed in heavily and stalked over to my bed. Charlie must have brought it from upstairs. Everything about it was the same –even the dusty purple colored bedding on it. Lots of my things were down here. I'd left most of it when I chose to leave Forks a little over 2 years ago. Some things were in boxes labeled with messy handwriting – Bella's Room.

I sighed with the realization of what all I had left to do. So, I began unpacking the things I'd brought with me, which were only clothes and a few sentimental things. From my suitcase I pulled a square tissue paper wrapped object. I began unwrapping the tissue paper and exhaled a deep breath. It was a picture of Jake and me that was taken about 6 months after we'd been officially dating.

I remembered that day fondly. It was before the 'honey-moon' stage was over. At least, that's what I called it. We were extremely happy. Jake was so 'Jake' in this picture. His mouth gapped half open with a laugh. And me, well, this picture was one of the few that I actually smiled in. I was resting against his chest – as he held himself up with his arms. I can't remember exactly what we were laughing at, but I remember Charlie proudly taking the picture of us.

_"C'mon, Bells," Jake tugged my hand._

_ I had been standing in the middle of everyone – alone – waiting for someone to rescue me from the attention that was slowly turning toward me. Jacob, of course, always knew when I needed him. He would always be there to pull me out of my gloominess._

_ "Where are we going," I whispered shuffling my feet behind him._

_ "Away from everyone," he answered. "Pick up your feet."_

_ Walking next to him made me feel even smaller than I was. It felt right, though. No matter how many times I walked next to Edward, I never felt like I was supposed to be there. He was uncannily beautiful, and his whole presence screamed for someone less like me to fill that position. Well, hopefully, Edward had found that someone by now, because I had most definitely replaced him. I glanced up to my best friend, my boyfriend, and my lover. He was the most amazing person I'd ever met. How could I have not seen him in this light sooner?_

_ "You're being quiet," Jacob's eyes darted behind us and then back in the direction we were walking. It was almost like he was stealing me on purpose. I shrugged._

_ "Just thinking."_

_ "About what," his words were kind and curious._

_ "You," I nudged his shoulder with mine. He didn't need to know that I still thought about Edward from time to time._

_ "Oh," he laughed and I swear I saw his cheeks turn the slightest shade of russet pink. My heart beat wildly._

_ We were coming up on a patch of over grown weeds. They were dead and dried out. Next to the patch of over grown weeds was a tall tree that seemed to hover eagerly over us. As if there was any sun to shade us from. Jacob stopped in the middle of the over grown weeds – that only reached his knees. The weeds tickled at my sides. I cursed myself. Later, I would for sure be itching to death. _

_ Jacob sat down. He looked up at me through his thick eyelashes and reached out for me. I grasped his hand, and used it to steady myself as I sat next to him. His thumb traced lines on the back of my hand before he pulled it up to his mouth and kissed it sweetly. Letting my hand go, Jake rested his hand behind him. I took my rightful place and rested my head against his chest._

_ "So, do you feel like a high school graduate," he kissed the top of my head._

_ "Um. No," I laughed. He chuckled lightly. I felt him jerk his head to the left of us. His body tensed, and then eased almost as quickly._

_ I heard rustling in front of us. My heart quickened. I panicked. Almost instantly, Jacob kissed the top of my head and whispered ever so lightly. "Just laugh."_

_ So, when Embry came barreling through our peaceful refuge with a bucket on his head, and Paul chasing after him angrily cursing at him, I laughed. Who knew what had happened between those two. They were constantly at each other. Suddenly, I heard the click of a camera._

_ I quickly turned my face to where the noise came from. And just as quickly as my eyes focused in on Charlie with my pink digital camera, I was doused in confetti, glitter, and streamers. _

_ "HAPPY GRADUATION," everyone screamed. _

_ "Sorry, Bells," Jacob laughed whole heartedly. "I couldn't help myself."_

The memory made me smile. Jacob always knew the right way to do things, and that was what made me happy in the beginning. It was almost welcoming. If only things were that way now, then I wouldn't be here lost on memory lane wishing and hoping that my life would take to a drastic turn.

The picture of Jacob made me realize how much he still looked the same, yet his eyes were so different. They were deeper, darker, and more aware of the bad things in life. His face had almost hardened with the turmoil he'd been through. I closed my eyes realizing that it was my fault. He said that he wanted to right his wrongs, but I wanted to right mine too. I wanted to prove to him that I could take care of him, and be there for him the way he needed me to.

Confusion flooded through me. What was it he needed me to do? Did I need to be his friend through all of this? Or should I just be myself? I didn't know. Subconsciously, I knew that Jacob didn't know either. It was another one of those odd feelings I'd been getting since earlier today. My heart throbbed in my chest and it ached to be close to him again. My mind drifted back to the events that had happened over the last week. The party, the dumb blonde, the decision to run, the questions… all of it came flooding back into my memory. They were unwelcomed thoughts and flashes of the recent past, but not all of the thoughts were from my point of view. Some seemed to be from Jacob's view. I sighed.

_Jacob._ Why couldn't we just get it together? If only I could just be there for him in the smallest ways possible. Maybe that would remind him how much he needed me. But, what could I do? He needed his time too. That thought was shouting in my brain. _His_ time meant him alone, thinking, and completely forgetting about the little things like food…

Then, it clicked. If I couldn't be there to make sure he was taken care of, then I could at least make sure that he was getting food. Sure, Em cooked almost daily, but a feeling of dread came over me at the thought of him actually going to visit them. He wasn't in the shape to see or be around his brothers right now. He didn't need to be around me either, but a part of me could be with him to remind him of what I could be.

So, I packed up the left over spaghetti and headed toward La Push. Jacob would either be one of two things if he saw me. He would be either pissed or elated. I was willing to risk him being pissed at me. At least I would have peace of mind. I would at least know that he was being fed something that wasn't bought and something more than pizza. But, I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I wouldn't get to see Jake tonight. He was probably off doing whatever it was he was doing.

_Thinking._ Right. He was thinking.

As I pulled into the yard, I noticed the tire tracks that were from earlier. So, I did my best to pull in line with them. And as I did, the pile of clothes laying next to the cab of the truck caught my attention. I sighed. He _had _phased. He couldn't handle this in human form. It was too much. Jake needed to think about it simply, and he could do that in wolf form. So, I picked up his clothes, folding them in the process, and carried them into the house along with the leftovers.

"Jake," my voice echoed against the walls.

_Nothing._ Just as I had presumed there would be. I sat the leftovers and his dirty clothes on the table. Looking around the room, I eyed the notebook we'd used for the bowl of questions and grabbed it. I dropped the keys into my jacket pocket. They clinked loudly against something. I dug my hand into my pocket and fished out the culprit. Jacob's cell phone. I'd forgotten about putting it in there. I sat the phone on the table with the rest of his things and scribbled a note.

I didn't linger too long afraid that maybe he'd come back. And partly afraid that he wouldn't. So, after writing the note, I headed out to the truck and left with a feeling of dread, fear, love, passion, and _excitement?_

_Tuesday__._

So, I hadn't heard from Jacob in 2 days. Not that I expected him to call or come by. Something told me not to expect it. So, I didn't. This wasn't like me. I normally didn't like to be held up in a hazy blaze of confusion.

When I took Jacob's dinner to him Monday evening, I was happily surprised by a cleaned bowl and a small note scribbled in his handwriting. It was comforting and made my breath catch. The note didn't say much – just a 'thank you' and a sweet, heart wrenching 'I love you more than life'. It made me wonder how things were going with him. Sure, recently, I had started to get these hankerings for his feelings, but there were days that I couldn't feel him. Today was one of those days.

To not feel what he was feeling, simply, made me feel like a half part of myself. I hadn't felt like myself for quite some time. That is true, but I had begun to feel just like I should when I was shoved out the door. For the rest of the day on Sunday and all of Monday, I felt just like I did when I was with Jake. Now, I felt like I was losing him. He was pulling away from me. Well, at least, metaphorically, he was pulling away from me.

Still it bothered me. He promised me he'd call. I hadn't heard from him yet. Charlie and Billy were taking Jacob his dinner tonight. They were on their way on a fishing trip for the few days Charlie had off of work. Needless to say, I was kicking myself in the ass right now. I probably could have seen him had I dropped it off myself.

It was already late into the evening. My eyelids were heavy with sleep. My fingers had stopped following my brain long ago. I tried concentrating on the story in front of me.

Was I honestly this melodramatic all the time? Seeing the words typed out in front of me, as I read what I'd written, only made me feel a little hesitant to even write this story. I was being paid, though, and rather well, might I add, by… _Carlisle Cullen._ Carlisle was the only Cullen I still spoke with. He understood why, and just like Charlie, he didn't ask too many questions. He didn't linger too much either. I'm not sure why Carlisle asked me to write this story for him, but he had. He'd hunted me down in my small town to ask me to write about my life. Then, he gave me a big fat six figured check – up front.

I suppose my life was interesting to him, so it was his idea for me to write this story – the story of how I'd found Jacob as my sun. He only had one minor request – that I leave out the stuff about werewolves. Since he was paying me and I felt obligated to the pack, I happily accepted his offer. Of course, then, I didn't know I'd be moving back to Forks. I didn't know that I had missed Jacob so much until I started this story. My heart rattled in my chest. Just the thought of him caused my heart to nearly leap out of my chest. I really missed him. I wish he'd call.

_Wednesday_

The picture of Jake and I kept coming to my thoughts. No matter how hard I tried to keep the daydreams at bay, they wouldn't go away. They were vivid with enhanced detail, colors, and voices. Constantly, I heard Jacob's laugh. It almost always started out evil and dark – almost a growl -, but then slowly it would turn into a light full hearted laugh. And sometimes, I'd see his mouth curved into a tender sweet smile. His sparkling white teeth would glisten in the blurry light.

Just as suddenly as those dreams would arrive, they'd leave. I'd find myself shaking my head or squeezing the bridge of my nose wondering what these daydreams were trying to tell me. I did not understand – no matter how many times I would run them through my mind. They never made since. It was always just a glimpse. Almost like someone was taking Polaroid pictures or filming 2 seconds of my future life.

I'd found myself in my bedroom sitting on my bed with my back against the wall. Mostly, I wouldn't remember coming down here, but when I'd finally snap out of it I would then realize where I was. This was all beginning to freak me out just a little bit.

Here I was home alone – Charlie and Billy both gone on a fishing trip – having crazy day dreams that would somehow force me to my room and sit me on my bed. Why here, why now – I didn't know. But it truly scared me. Was my subconscious trying to tell me something? Or was I honestly losing my mind? I was beginning to think the latter of the two was the truth. I breathed deeply and pushed myself from the bed.

I was half up the stairs when my foot caught the ledge of the next step and I fell. Before my face could hit anything, I threw my arms out and caught the banister. With a loud thud, my shin ricocheted off of the stair below it. Inhaling then exhaling, I sat on a stair and rubbed my shin. Examining the red mark across the front of my shin, I could only imagine how my leg would look the next day. _Lovely._

From below the stair case, there sat a small wooden box. On top of it was a symbol that I vaguely remember being the same as the tattoo on Jacob's arm. I smiled. Now, that was something I could never forget.

_I was biting at my lip nervously. Jake had brought me to First Beach where I was surprised by candles, blankets, and a take-out brown bag. Today was our anniversary of being together. We had come so far. We were no longer in the honey moon stage of our relationship, but we didn't fight all the time. Mostly, we fought about useless things. Except the fights about Edward. Somehow…nearly every fight we had ended up being about Edward. I don't know how it happened, but one of us would always flip it into something about the Cullens. _

_ Last night, we'd had one of those fights. Jacob was sure that Edward would come back for me someday and I would fall in love with him all over again. Honestly, I probably would have fallen in love with Edward again had he come back and had I not had Jake. He didn't understand that. It was impossible for his brain to grasp the concept of my love for him. But, last night's fight wasn't like all the other fights about Edward. This one…well…it got a little out of hand. Jake had said something to me that hurt worse than anything Edward ever said to me._

_ "Bells," Jake handed me a container of food. "I got you…uhh…that spinach stuff you like so much." Jacob was being extra careful around me tonight. He knew last night hurt more than the rest. I was sure of that._

_ "Thanks," I opened the container and smiled. Honestly, Jake took really good care of me. "What'd you get?" I eyed his container._

_ "Oh. Nothing you'd like," he chuckled opening his container which held a rather large steak and a baked potato. He eyed me as I eyed his potato. "Eat your rabbit food!" Jake's laugh was a welcome sound to my ears. It had been the first time he laughed since yesterday._

_ "I'm not a rabbit! You cannot drive me," I tried to make a silly joke._

_ Jacob shook his head and batted his eyes. He chuckled softly. "Was that a joke?"_

_ "I'm trying, Jake," I whispered only half talking about the joke I'd just tried to make._

_ "Trying to what? Kill me with bad jokes," he shoved a fork full of potato into his mouth. His gaze fell across the ocean. Jacob watched the waves crash to shore._

_ "Jacob," I sighed. Guess he wanted to do this the hard way. "I'm trying to..."_

_ "You shouldn't have to. It should happen naturally," he mumbled looking at me through the corner of his eye. His face was covered in disappointment and fear. _

_ "Listen, let's just celebrate us tonight. No dragging out things that don't need to be talked about. I just want to be with my Bella tonight, okay?" He almost begged me. _

That day he called me "his" Bella like there was some other Bella out there that wasn't his. Looking back now, I guess there were two versions of me walking around. One version was just a half part of me that still wished for Edward to come rescue me from this life. The second version of me never wanted to leave Jacob's side, and loved this life more than anything. It was a constant power struggle back then, and Jake knew it was. I think, that's why he always used to bring Edward up.

Anyway, later that night, Jacob gave me the most precious gift anyone has ever given me. My heart skipped as the memory registered in my mind.

_"I got you something," his gorgeous eyes fell on mine. "I know you hate gifts, but…well…this wasn't just bought. It's…well, it's kind've…Here just open it." Jake dug his hand into the bottom of the take-out bag and pulled out a wooden box. _

_ On the top of the wooden box, there was a symbol. My fingers ran over the intricately carved symbol that mirrored the tattoo on his right shoulder. I sighed and smiled sweetly at him. "Did you carve this?"_

_ He nodded his head and stared at the box. As if the box wasn't a great enough present to begin with, it seemed there was more. I sighed and lifted the top of the box off. My breath caught. I handed the lid to Jacob not taking my eyes off of the magnificently beautiful necklace. It sat beautifully against the red velvet interior of the box. I ran my fingers across the gold chain. My fingers grasped the charm dangling from the chain. It was absolutely beautiful! A garnet rested in the center of the pendent surrounded by 4 leaves that connected to a diamond shaped design. I gasped. This must be really old. The metal seemed antiqued and stained over the years. It had to be a family heirloom.  
_

_ "Jake," I gasped. "I can't…this is too much… I mean," I hesitated with my words. I didn't want to refuse this beautiful gift, but I couldn't just take something like this lightly._

_ "It was my Mom's necklace," he whispered taking the chain out of my hand and dangling it in front of him. His eyes danced along with the garnet. "She wore it on the day she married my Dad. And when I was little, I used to play with it when I sat in her lap. I was mesmorized by it. It always looked so beautiful. One day I asked her if I could have it, and she told me that I could. I was so excited, but then she dropped the big one. She said that I could only have it when I found the girl in my life that made me strive to be better. She made me promise," Jacob's voice cracked. I watched his eyes tango with the necklace as his sweet tears streamed down his cheeks. I held back my own. "She made me promise that I would only give it to the love of my life. So, I am."_

_ Jacob's tender eyes left the swinging charm and stared directly into mine. His lips curled into a small smile. I reached over and wiped away the lingering tears on his cheeks. Jacob's lower lip trembled slightly. "Do you want to wear it? I mean, will you…ya know… wear it?"_

_ I nodded. It was my only response. I didn't have any objections to him wanting me to wear it. I was on cloud 9. "I'd love to." My voice finally squeaked out. Turning my back to him, I lifted my hair. Jacob's giant fingers shook as he reached the necklace around me and fastened it._

_ "I love it, Jake. It's so beautiful," I pulled the charm up to look at it. His fingers found mine and held on to the pendant as well as my fingers. _

_ "You have no idea how much it means to me. You wearing this," his words were barely above a whisper._

_ "And you don't know how much it means. You giving this to me and wanting me to wear it. Thank you…" Jacob's lips crashed into mine cutting off any further words I wanted to say._

Most of that night, we spent making love on the beach, in his car, on the hood of the truck, and in my bed. It's one of the best memories I have of him. And the best gift anyone has ever given me. I sighed. When I had left, I couldn't come up with enough courage to give it back to him or take it with me. If I gave it back to him, then it would be like me taking a hot poker and shoving it into his chest. If I took it with me, then I was sure another black hole would form inside of me. Either way, I left it here with the rest of my things.

Right now, I wanted to grab the necklace and put it on, but I couldn't. Not yet. Just…not yet.

_Thursday_

I can handle not talking to Jacob. I can handle taking care of him when he didn't want me around, but there was one thing I could not stand. And that was being avoided. Jacob Ephraim Black was slowly moving to my piece of shit list.

This evening when I dropped off his food, he actually had Embry meet me at the truck. He said something about Jake not being in town or something like that. Then he grabbed the food, handed me the containers and headed toward the house. If smacking a werewolf didn't hurt so bad, then I would have knocked the hell out of Embry for being so short with me. And why was he here? Did Jacob really need to send a messenger?

I was being avoided by the guy who claimed me to be the love of his life. How? How?

I really wanted to see him today. I needed to see him or hear from him. His feelings stopped coming to me, and I was beginning to miss them. Sure, I felt crazy because I could almost feel exactly what he was feeling, but I still missed feeling that way. I figured maybe if I saw him, then I could at least get that feeling back. But no…haha…no.

Embry came back out to the truck in a flash. His cheeks tinged with pink. "Oh yeah, he told me to tell you that he loves you and he'll be seeing you."

Seriously?

_Friday_

Who knew what he was doing? I mean, besides pissing me off. He promised me. He fucking promised me. He hadn't called. He hadn't checked on me – that I knew of. He didn't even bother to send a 'thank you' text for dinner. Jacob Black was being an ass. My anger over powered my reasoning, and the feelings that were his. Odd that today, I was feeling his feelings again. Seriously, what the hell was up with that? He was a fucking prick!

The old rusted truck jerked to a stop in front of his home. La Push, no matter how long I'd been gone, always felt like home. This place, though, felt more like a burden. I grabbed the plastic containers holding this evenings dinner – which I ate alone due to the fishing trip Charlie and Billy were on. Fan-fucking-tastic. I slammed the truck door shut, and began to stomp my way to the front door.

"I swear to, God, Jacob, if you're here, you better be ready for an ear full," I grumbled shoving the container under my arm. "And if you're not here, well, be prepared to get a new asshole ripped…" My foot sloshed into a shin deep mud puddle. "Are you fucking kidding me? Damnit." I tried to pull my foot out of the puddle, but to no avail, it was some how stuck. I wiggled it around – left to right, right to left, back and forth – feeling it loosen with every move. Finally, my now soaking wet, covered in mud foot pulled up with a forceful jerk causing me to fall backward straight onto my ass. The containers holding the leftovers went sailing through the air landing about 10ft away in what looked to be an even bigger mud hole. "I give up." I grumbled looking at my foot.

"Great," I noticed the soggy sock on my foot. "Stupid fucking mud hole," I thrashed at the ground and moaned out. "I give up, God. Do you hear me? I give." With that final curse, I fell flat on my back and rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand. The mud, by now, was probably soaking into my hair, through my jacket, and causing my jeans to look like some designer brand out of New York.

So, I was giving up. God, obviously, was having a good laugh at my expense. I silently cursed him, but then felt a little guilty. I mean, it was God after all. Maybe I should repent. Say a couple of hail Mary's. That didn't feel right. So, I just laid there. Not apologizing to God. Not asking for forgiveness. I simply laid there and fumed.

Then my heart thumped in my chest. "Great, now you decide to act up too. Go ahead, like today isn't bad enough as it is," I mumbled under my breath half expecting my heart to shatter and burn a hole through me. The other half of me wished it would.

"Who are you talking to," a voice from above me sounded amused.

_God?_ Seriously, I was losing it. God was talking to me now, and I was lying here cursing him. I made a quick promise to myself to visit the nearest church when I got back to Forks. After all, God had spoken to me. I giggled and huffed. I removed my hands from my eyes. My vision blurred as I opened them to find a large russet man hovering over me. His smile was warming. His stature was familiar. My vision focused, and he chuckled.

"Geez, Bells," he crossed his arms over his chest. "You still like to play in the mud?"

_Jake!_

I stumbled up to my feet cursing when my socked foot squished into the mud. My nose crinkled and I glanced at my foot. Jacob laughed.

"Where's your shoe?"

"Uh, in there," I pointed to the mud hole next to me. Jacob's eyes lit up and he bent over in laughter.

"Is that where my dinner is too?"

I shoved my chin in the direction of the mud hole way over by his garage. His eyes followed. Stifling a chuckle, he shook his head in disbelief.

"You're okay, though, right," He returned his attention back to me. Jake's sparkling eyes trailed up and down my body. Shivers flew down my spine. "I mean, besides, not being on God's good side anymore."

I huffed. "What are you talking about?" My cheeks became warm with embarrassment. I _knew_ what he was talking about_._

"I heard you cursing at your God," his smile leaked through every part of him. I hadn't noticed until then that he was fully clothed – shoes, button down shirt, nice jeans. I gave him a puzzling look. "What," he asked.

"Nice clothes," I whispered. "Have a date or something?"

I bent over and shoved my hand in the mud puddle retrieving my shoe from between two rather large rocks. So, I was avoiding his glare for as long as I possibly could. I could already feel it burning a hole into the back of my head.

"Bella," Jacob's voice seemed agitated.

_Good._ I thought. _That's what he gets for being an ass._

"Jacob," I mimicked his tone standing up.

"Why do you have to act like that," his eyes caught mine. I saw the disappointment in them.

"Act like you've been avoiding me? Oh, well, I don't know, Jacob. Maybe, because you have been!"

"I haven't been avoiding you, Bells. I've been busy," his tone softened. He stared at the ground.

"With what? Or should I ask who? Was it that dumbass blonde?" I didn't know where this jealousy was coming from. I didn't like it just as much as Jacob didn't like it. My shoulders dropped as did my glare.

"Bella, it's not what you think. I had to go into town," Jacob's feet moved toward me. I shuddered.

"And you couldn't call me or stop by, because…" I edged him on.

"I did stop by, but you weren't there," he whispered.

"Oh," I huffed feeling my anger diffuse a little. I hadn't worked one bit on my emotional reactions to things. "Why haven't you called?" I shuffled my feet like a teenager. I was acting like an immature teenager. I was avoiding eye contact, the situation, and letting jealousy get in the way of communication. I rolled my eyes at myself and lifted my eyes to meet his. They were soft and tender.

"I tried. A couple of times," he ran his hand up the back of his head. "But, I just…couldn't. It's a little weird, ya know. Having you hear to talk to, to worry about."

"Jake, don't worry about me. I'm a big girl now. I can handle myself," I felt bad. He had too much on his plate. I wish he would share the burden a little.

"Really," he chuckled. "Looks like you got into a fight with that mud hole, and the mud hole won."

I glanced over myself. Speckles of mud covered almost every inch of my clothing – including my coat. Moisture seeped onto my back and up the legs of my jeans. I laughed at myself. "Okay, maybe you're right. I can't win against vampires or mud holes. But, honestly, Jake, I can take care of myself."

"I know," he whispered reaching his hand out and resting it on my waist. "If it makes up for anything, I've really missed you." His other hand landed on my other hip. Jacob's thumbs pressed into my hip bones giving a tight squeeze.

"I missed you too," I mumbled biting my lip. His face was covered in a smile. _So much for getting a new asshole chewed into you._

"Yeah," Jake's voice seemed to shake.

"Yeah," I whispered. My eyes shifted to his lips.

"Do you want to," his tongue parted his lips, then retracted back inside. My body began to ache. I nodded my head before he finished. "Go inside?"


	16. Everything Changes

**Note & Warning: ****Language. Hunky Werewolves. Characters, unfortunately, are not mine. They're SM's. *sad* Sorry about the lack of lemons. They are coming. I promise. **Oh, and guess what? Today's my birthday! No really, it is. Here's a present from me to you guys, since you all are amazing! 3 You guys make my heart soar! Thanks so much for the reviews. A special shout out to my "go to" person, Pooks79. 3 I see that I get a lot of hits on each chapter like in the 300's. I'm sure some are doubles, but still…I only get like 10 reviews each chapter. So, if you're reading, please, please, please, please, review. They do make it easier to update and write. **Now about the story.** Make sure you guys pay attention. Details are important! AND A LOT HAPPENS IN THIS CHAPTER. I kinda…beat around the bush for the most part of this chapter. Sorry! =) More to come soon. Don't worry. Oh, and if you guys want to offer suggestions for the playlist, feel free to send me a message!! Oh, new songs on the playlist are: Kelly Clarkson – Cry; The Script – I'm Yours; David Cook – Come Back To Me (Thanks Pooks79). Check them out here: http://www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/18784013067

_"But everything changes if i could  
turn back the years if you could  
learn to forgive me then i could  
learn how to feel and we could  
stay here together and we could  
conquer the world if we could  
say that forever is more than just  
a word._

_**Staind – Everything Changes**_

**Jacob**

Two weeks. That's all it takes for your life to spin on its head and flip over finally revealing the winner of the coin toss. And if Bella knew that was happening, then things would most definitely be different. How it had happened was dumfounding to me, but it had. By now, she should have been feeling what I felt: dread, love, passion, and excitement.

Dread. I dreaded the inevitable. If she didn't figure it out herself, then I would have to explain it. Bells had the tendency to bolt when things began to veer in a direction she wasn't sure of. So, if I told her what really happened, then I would be jeopardizing my whole life. Yes, my life would cease to exist if she left again. And no matter how many times, long ago, I wished that to actually happen, I really didn't want to die. Not now.

Death meant being without Bells. Though my soul would always belong to her, my body would not be present at all of the most important events of her life that I wanted to share with her. Besides, some day, I would marry her after I figured out how to explain everything. _Knowing_ that I would marry her was gratifying. For so long, I had dreamed of it - even as recently as the night before she left. That night, a small part of me had a doubt that things would finally progress to that level. All hope surpassed any doubt bubbles. Sure, I loved Bells more than life. She knew that. The toughest part of it all was making her realize we were supposed to be together.

Edward knew where her life was supposed to go. I was her natural choice. I was made for her, and she for me. We were supposed to be. I suppose on her birthday when I visited her school and gave her the dream catcher, well, I guess that's when Edward finally realized where she was meant to be. With all the time that had passed, Edward still felt gravity pushing us together. Bells and I were natural. There was nothing he could do about it. The icing on the cake was when the quiet one flipped on Bells at her birthday party. Bells was never strong enough to handle his departure, I was and will be forever grateful for his leaving. Sure, she was just a shell of herself, but I fixed what was wrong. Maybe, that was fate. Who knows?

Though loving Bella back then had its fears of losing her to my imprint, I never gave up. Sam always had this theory that you imprinted the first time you saw your soul mate. But, it wasn't really that way – at least that is what I _hoped_. I guess, in a way, it depended on the people involved. Sometimes, other things and people get in the way. And sometimes, you have to become a better part of yourself before your imprint finally finds you.

Imprinting and love are two different things. I loved Bella long ago, and will always love her. No matter what imprinting meant, it would never get in the way of us. Figuring out a way to tell her that was the tough part. I wanted Bella to be 100% in love with me. Being her natural choice was better. I would always choose love over imprinting – no matter who it was with. Sure, imprinting had its advantages.

For one, there was never any question of how the other felt. You just knew. It was a sixth sense, an extra feeling, or an odd way of knowing. So, when you were fighting or in a bad mood, there was no reason to let shit hit the fan besides the obvious one – _for shits and giggles_.

Of course, knowing how the other felt always had its disadvantages too. Sam had let it slip once that the first time he and Emily fu…_made love_ he nearly blew it within the first few minutes. Seems the sexual sensations triple with your imprint. And of course, when the other is sick, then you tend to feel weaker. It's not like one feeling like sneezing and the other one actually doing it. There's just a way that you feel when your soul mate…_your imprint_ is panicking or has the flu. A weakness fills through you like you were just getting over a really bad hangover.

The second advantage of having an imprint is the willingness to forgive. Forgiveness comes easily for an imprint. Sure, when they're alone they may be able to think of plenty of things that would satisfy their quest to rip you a new asshole, but once you see that person or are next to them – it all kind of goes away. It's like having that itch you can't get rid of unless you use the corner of the wall and hold your tongue just right. Then, miraculously it disappears in the blink of an eye.

Imprinting is the constant. It's not having a choice. Yes, I'm aware that I said I would always choose love over imprinting. However, no matter what happens between you and said imprint you will always be there for them, and vice versa. There's practically no way to tell your imprint to get lost and them actually leave. Of course, that can be a disadvantage too. I mean, if you really don't like your imprint and they tend to annoy the fuck out of you, there's no way to get rid of them.

I'm surprised that didn't happen to me. Life has definitely gotten its kicks with me. I'm sure the God's thought of making my imprint someone like… that dumbass blonde. That would be the first time a werewolf successfully killed himself. I'd throw myself in front of 2,000 eighteen wheelers if I had to. But, thankfully, the God's didn't find as much humor in my life as of late. In fact, it seemed like they were more in my favor – answering my prayers. They were trying to make me happy for once. I would owe them big. I was sure of it.

The third important part about imprinting was the passion you felt towards each other. The passion you felt for your imprint wasn't just the sexual passion – however like I said… it does amplify. It was more so of a deep, undying, nagging feeling that this person was the best thing in your life, and if you had to, you'd die for them. It was the constant knowing that you'd do anything and everything to protect, provide, and love them. There wasn't one thing you wouldn't do to keep the safety or trust of your imprint. It was like having a passion for music. Or like my passion for working on cars, bikes…well anything with a motor really. It's natural. It's real. It's the way your blood flows through your veins. It's the way your heart beats in the morning. It's the sunrise. It's the glittering of the stars in clear summer night's sky. It's the way her eyes twinkle with hope when you smile at her. Or the way your breath catches when you watch her sleep – _peacefully_. It's the excitement of sharing a lifetime together with no worries.

_Excitement._ Now, I would never have imagined in the past 2 or so years that I would experience real and honest excitement. Waiting to see her was like waiting for those stupid trick birthday candles to go out. No matter how many times you blew them, they always relit. That's how the excitement felt when I thought of seeing her, but something told me it was too soon. Too soon to expect any big difference. Too soon to feel the effects of what we'd already figured out. It was all too soon to expect anything significant to happen. I mean, it'd been two weeks since she'd come back. Yet, so much had changed. Like me imprinting, and the love I had for Bella. _Yeah._ _That even changed._

My love for Bells was more than taking me over. It was almost oozing out of me, and I couldn't be happier about it. But, I knew that I had to tell her. The timing and the placed had to be right, though. I also knew that I had to guard my thoughts. The pack would know something had changed. They would realize that I was different especially when they find out that I planned on becoming a certified mechanic or that I was also going to take online classes in business so I could start my own company.

Everything would change once my pack found out. I'm not sure if shit would hit the fan or if it would come as a relief. Of course, with Sam and Emily, it would be a relief. They've hated the way I handled things for a very long time now. If there was a way to get rid of me as Alpha, I was sure that Sam would have figured it out by now. Then there was Paul and Jared. Well, I wasn't so sure they'd take it lightly. It wouldn't be long until they found out or before I let it slip while I was phased. So, I had to be careful with everything just so I could figure out the right way to go about it all. Quil and Embry, well, they stood behind me no matter what.

Surprisingly enough, the past 2 weeks events had made me want to become a better person. My Mom told me that would happen someday – that someone would walk into my life and make me feel like I owed them the world. When I met Bella for the first time in a long time, I thought that was the feeling I got from her. Eventually, as our relationship blossomed I did long to be someone better for her. It was different though. Different than what I feel now. Now, I felt the need to gather my pack and train. We needed to catch up and begin to protect our land as we should have been. No longer was Bells the only thing I needed to protect. I had more to inspire me now.

It was Wednesday when I headed to each of the pack member's homes and told them to meet me at Sam's for a much needed gathering. No one really said much. I'm sure they were frustrated, drunk, and hung over. But, I'd get a handle on them. The exercise would burn the alcohol and hang over's off. If it didn't, then we'd keep going until it did.

I headed over to Sam's, which still was presumed the 'official' gathering location. Sam was more than surprised to see me at this time of day. Usually, I slept or was lounging in front of the television. He may have thought it was just about Bella and less about imprinting.

"Jacob," Sam tore his attention from splitting wood as I walked through the edge of the forest. "Surprised to see you here."

"Yeah. Sorry about just showing up. I told the pack to meet me here in a couple of hours. Some things have changed and I think…" I was beginning to explain before he even asked, but he waved his hand and smiled.

"I get it. Don't worry. You're secret safe with me," Sam slung the ax back and down with force sufficiently splitting the log directly in two.

"Secret safe with you," I raised an eyebrow. I hadn't done much of anything besides walk up here.

"C'mon, Jacob. I'm you're beta. I know you better than any of the guys could claim to. Things with Bella have changed, right," Sam grabbed another log and sat it on the tree trunk.

"Well, yeah," I grumbled. _What the hell? Was it written on my face?_

"And you've…."He stopped short of what he was saying and slung the ax again. "Imprinted."

"Uh," I couldn't form a coherent response. How was it that I was letting my beta control me? _Bullshit._ "Listen, Sam, I'm not trying to be an ass, but that's not really your business. So, I'd appreciate it if you could just keep those thoughts…well not in your head."

"Alright. I'll do as I'm told, but you're making a mistake. Not telling, Bella again," Sam's eyes peeled from the wood to me. They spoke a thousand words before they returned to the log and he split the wood again.

"Not telling Bella what?" Emily stepped from the porch. I hadn't seen her there. She was wearing old leather gloves and an old beat up flannel. She grabbed a few logs and headed back to the porch charismatically.

"Nothing," I spoke sternly.

This was all a little too much. Sam and Emily already knew. It made me angry. Times like this are when I wished I wasn't a werewolf. I wished I hadn't been "blessed" with the great task of being what I am. Was there so much wrong with being a human that my tribe had to go and develop this whole werewolf gene? I mean, honestly, humans had it made. They didn't have to worry about the unknown until it was too late. They needn't worry about imprinting and possibly breaking the love of your life's heart twice over. And they didn't have to sit back and watch everyone you loved die.

"Nothing? Jacob, I don't think it's nothing," Emily dumped the arm full of wood onto the porch and walked my way. She stopped short of me. Her eyes trailed lines over my face. She raised her eyebrows realizing the difference. So, I couldn't hide it. I'd just lie about it.

"Things with Bella and I are different," I spoke through my teeth. It was hard to lie about it, because I wanted to scream the truth from the mountaintops.

"Oh," came out like a whisper. She studied my eyes and a wide smile spread across her lips. "_Oh," _shesqueaked. Without a second thought, she threw her arms around my neck and squealed like a guinea pig. I couldn't help but laugh. She'd been around werewolves for too long.

"Jacob," she pulled back. "You _have_ to tell her." Concern was written all over her face.

"I will. I promise. I just need the right time and place," I whispered into her ear. She locked her eyes on mine and nodded. Emily knew I would tell her. It was just a matter of when.

"Soon," Emily spat before turning and grabbing some logs. "Why don't you gather the logs, Jacob. I'll go make us a snack."

So, there I was carrying logs to their porch lost in my train of thought. Wondering if things in my life would finally work out, when Sam cleared his throat signaling that he had something he needed to get off of his chest.

"The pack is coming?" I nodded in response.

"And we're going to train," he asked. Again, he got another nod.

"You're serious about the Alpha thing?" Sam's mouth formed a straight line. His eyes darted side to side like he had something else to say. I dropped the logs on the porch and headed straight for him. If he had something he needed to say, then he could say it directly to my face – not to my back while I was occupied being his beta.

"Yes. I am now." My words were pointedly sharp.

"Good. It's about time. I was thinking about coming to talk to you about the pack and our duties anyway. I guess I don't have to now," Sam's voice was monotone like he'd practiced this speech before.

"What exactly _were_ you going to talk to me about," my voice was molded with anger. I folded my arms over my chest and ordered him to talk. He _had_ to obey.

"Jacob, you haven't really been holding the responsibility of being Alpha very well. Me being the Beta, well, I had to step in. So, I spoke with the council a couple of days ago."

"You what," anger roared out of me again.

Where the fuck did he come off with going above my head? I would have understood had he come talk to me about whatever it was he talked to the council about. My chest rumbled with a growl and I bared my teeth in slight snarl.

"Listen. It was…it was before this stuff changed. They didn't really say anything that I already didn't know. After talking with them, we decided that maybe I should be in charge of the pack for a while until you get your head together. I didn't know things had progressed to this level in just a few short weeks. Jacob, man, I have been fighting with myself over this for a very long time now," Sam was hesitant to push any further. He'd dropped the ax and was now holding his hands up in the air.

"Who else knows about this," my voice deepened as the anger seethed through me.

"No one. Just me," Sam backed up. "Look, we'll see how it goes tonight. If I think you're doing a good job, then I'll go see the council tomorrow."

"If you think I'm doing a good job?" I raised my eyebrows.

"Sam, Jacob…food's ready," Emily yelled through the open kitchen window.

"Yes." He had balls. I had to give him that.

I didn't really speak to Emily or Sam for the better part of the evening. It wasn't that I was being immature. Simply, I didn't know what would come out if I tried to speak. I'd just been betrayed by two very important people in my life. Yet, I understood. If it had been Sam acting this way, then I probably would have stepped in a long time ago. But, now, after all this time…why was he doing it?

When the pack showed up, Sam and I only spoke as we needed. Sam kept quiet unless he was directly asked a question, and I gave my orders about the training we would be doing. Once all of the details were clear and the rest of the pack graciously agreed to my requests of them, we headed to the forest.

It didn't take long for all of us to realize how much training we actually needed. Just last year, we could run a few hundred miles without feeling so much of a twitch. Now, just about 50 did it. We'd been relaxed for far too long. I had let down my tribe and my pack. If anything happened to any of them, then I would be to blame. I would hold myself personally accountable.

_Hey Jacob. Do you…_Sam's thoughts reached my mind about the same time I smelled that God awful reek.

_Vampire._ Quil, Embry, Me, Paul, and Jared all echoed at the same time.

_But how? We've been doing rounds. _Quil was shocked to say the least.

_Not as often as we should be._ Sam growled with a huff. He sped up until he was running directly to my right. He looked at me through the corner of his eyes and snarled his jaw. _We should have been patrolling every night since we did have a coven living not too far away._

He was right. We should have been patrolling for that purpose alone, but here I was, mister Alpha, who thought he knew what was best for everyone. I was only 20 for Christ's sake. What did I know about anything? I wasn't even old enough to legally drink or get into bars, but no one ever questioned it due to my sheer size. What if someone was killed? What if the bloodsucker was after Bella? This vampire had a regular diet not like her precious Cullens. The smell alone told me that. It had to be feeding – somehow, someway.

_Cut out the self hating for now. Focus. _Same ordered. And this time I obeyed. Dropping my head in acknowledgement, I slowed and dropped to his left flank – the Beta's position_. It's better this way, for now Jacob. I have more experience._

No one really said or thought much. I wasn't sure if it was because they didn't want to get their asses kicked or if they weren't sure if they'd really witnessed what had just happened. They didn't know who was what anymore. I wouldn't make it difficult. Following the Alpha's orders were natural to wolves. They were automatic, so I would have to watch myself. Sam would become Alpha for the time being and we would follow him.

_Listen to Sam._ I gave my final order as Alpha quietly.

So, Wednesday wasn't the best of days. It was one of those days that you needed someone else in your life to keep you level headed. I had just let down the reservation. I was supposed to protect them. I was supposed to protect Bella, but I hadn't. The truth hurt. If Bella were here, then she would tell me how great of a person I was and how everyone makes mistakes. But, she wasn't here…**again.** It was my choice this time though. My choice to let her go – to watch her walk away.

I wondered if werewolves ever went to a shrink.

What exactly would a shrink do for me though? They'd probably lock me up in some psych ward if I told them that I was a werewolf and I could hear my fellow werewolves thoughts and that I had an imprint walking around out there completely ignorant of the fact that we'd actually imprinted. Yeah, seeing a shrink – bad idea. It'd just add to the pile of shit I already had to deal with.

But even through the shitty days and the nights, I had a small piece of my Bella comforting me. She was there in a way that I needed but never asked. She used the smallest way to tell me that she was there – even if I didn't want her to be. And nightly, after I'd finished eating, I'd lounge on the couch relaxing before patrol rubbing my full stomach with a smile on my face. What she did was undeserving from my side. I did not deserve her understanding.

On Thursday night, patrol was cut short when the scent of the vampire reached the Canadian border. We'd ran off the leech at least for a few nights. Hopefully, it was gone forever. Retreating home was easier than it had been in the previous days. Sam had been working us to the bone. We were always training and when we weren't training then we were to expect to begin training at any second. So, I spent a lot of time at Sam's. It wasn't where I had planned on being. I wanted to meet up with Dad and Charlie for their fishing trip. Dad understood when I spoke about the new visitor to Forks. He had called asking me to join them for a night at their notorious fishing spot that they'd kept a secret ever since they were boys. But, I had duties. And I had to admit, it felt good to have a reason to live again. There was a new spark forming in my chest – a new reason to strive for the best.

When I got home, Embry said Bella had stopped by to bring me dinner. He didn't dare touch it. He knew better.

"I told her you loved her," Embry followed me through the front door.

"What?"

"It's just…when she dropped the food off, well, she looked so sad or pissed that you weren't here. So, I came back out and told her that you loved her and that you'd be seeing her around," Embry flopped on my couch.

"Oh," I mumbled shrugging my shoulders. Couldn't deny the truth. "You didn't say anything about the leech did you?" My tone held a silent warning.

"What? No way. I told her you were out of town." Embry flipped the tv on. He smirked at me.

"What?" I grabbed a fork and took a seat at the table. I cocked my eyebrow at him.

"Nothing," Embry laughed.

A growl boiled in my chest. I wasn't in the mood to be fucked around with.

"Alright. Damn. It's just that it's only been what like 2 weeks and she's already turned you into a pussy again," Embry sounded concerned. "Don't you think it's moving a bit fast?"

"I don't have a choice," I glanced at his face as the words left my mouth. They hinted him in a different direction. At least I hope they did.

"What do you mean you don't have a choice? Of course you do. Listen, I don't want to sound like such a fucking pansy, but dude…She fucked you over before," Embry sat in front of me. He was being a good friend. That is all he was trying to do, but it was pissing me off. He had no right to speak of Bella in that way.

"She made a mistake," I hissed in his direction shoveling another load of food into my mouth. It kept me from saying more than necessary.

"Bull shit. She made a choice, man. You know I like Bella. Hell, if she wasn't in love with you then I'd probably try to fuck her." My growl cut him off. He waved his hand and shook his head. "Just saying, Jacob. Bella is great, but does she really know what she wants?"

"It doesn't matter, Embry," I barked kicking the chair from underneath me. "None of that fucking matters anymore."

"Of course it matters, Jacob!" Embry stood not backing down from my glare.

"No it doesn't! Fuck off, Embry. There's a lot of things you don't know."

"Fuck you Jacob. I'm just looking out for a friend. Keep whatever it is you're hiding to yourself. Exclude yourself from the pack. Do whatever it is you're trying to do, but realize while you do it that that fucking slit is just going to walk away again."

Normally, that would have pissed me off, but he didn't know what he was talking about this time. I laughed harshly at his lame excuse. I tossed the empty container of food in the sink.

"Like I said, you don't know what you're talking about, Embry. Just shut the fuck up."

Embry didn't stick around much. He seemed stand offish when he left. I figured it was because he felt like I was shutting him out – which I was. But, he was a big boy and he'd get over it. To think he had the balls to call me a pussy and here he was whining and crying and "trying to protect me". What a crock of shit. He was fishing for information. They all were. It wasn't like I couldn't feel them trying to dig up my thoughts when we were phased. I may have been in a pile of shit, but they were all fucking ignorant.

It took me longer than usual to fall asleep that night. Nerves and fear radiated to my bone. It was almost Friday, and that had been the day I'd set aside to go into town to visit some trade schools. I had plans to do so much with my life, but I had no idea how to accomplish them. It was a different feeling. Knowing. I just had this knowing nature about myself, about Bells, and about love. It was so different, and so much needed to be done. But, I still couldn't shake what Embry had said about Bella leaving again.

There wasn't much I could do but think about what he said. What if Bella did leave – again? What would I do? I couldn't just sit here and let myself die. But… I could go with her. I'd give it all up for her. Maybe she wouldn't want me to go with her. What then? Following her around from town to town didn't seem like a bad idea. I'd been persistent before, and it paid off – eventually. I was prepared to do the same thing all over again. There was no doubt in my mind. If Bella left again, then I'd go with her – no matter if she wanted me to or not.

A relaxing, peaceful sense of relief flooded me. The muscles that had been tense with worry eased. My jaw, which had been clinched since Embry had started his shit, released. My teeth ached. I sighed deeply as my body was molded by the ever broken in mattress. Comfort filled me. My eye lids drooped, and I slowly slid into a deep sleep.

_I found myself surrounded by darkness. It was closing in on me. Though I could see no walls, I felt them moving in. The pressed into my shoulders and nudged at my feet. I threw my hands at the wall and pushed with all of the strength I had in me. They didn't budge. Panic set it. My breaths heaved in deeply, and exhaled shallowly. I felt my throat become dry. I had to speak. I had to find someone. _

_ I let my eyes peer into the darkness not exactly knowing what I was looking for. But, I had found something. Across from me, there was a tint of brown. It looked like silk flowing in the air. I took a step forward, but was held back by an unknown force. The wind picked up. It carried a sweet scent to my nostrils. Strawberry. I blinked. _

_ What used to be just a brown tint now had a form to it. The brown flowed around an oval orb. The orb glowed in a translucent fashion, but had two deep dark dots that looked like eyes. My breath froze in my chest. It was a girl, and she was getting closer. The closer she became the stronger the strawberry scent became. Her frame was small. I could make out her shoulders and feet. Whoever she was she was able to take a step forward. She was able to move._

_ "Jacob," she called my name just as her lips became visible. Her words filtered out of her mouth. The letters of my name formed in mid air. Just as quickly as they formed in mid air the tails of each letter ran together. My name slowly began to pull apart loop by loop to form a straight line. The line stopped midway between me and her. _

_ I could see her entire form now, but it was blurry. Much too blurry for me to make out who it was. But her scent, the color of her hair, and her frame all gave way to who she really was. My heart thudded. I heard the pounding in my ears as its pace quickened. Each step she took, the louder my heart became. _

_ The string that used to be my name wrapped around her as she came closer. The end closest to me stayed stationary. It lingered. Waiting for something…the rest of itself? _

_Every step she took, she became clearer. And soon, I was faced with a beautiful peering face staring at me. Her eyes full of love. Her lips pink. Her sweet scent engulfing both of us. Bella smiled at me. She reached a hand out and motioned for me. I tried to take a step forward, but was blocked by the same invisible wall. Bella giggled softly and shook her head no._

_What was I supposed to do? Bella wasn't hurt. She wasn't scared, but I still needed to be there with her. I needed to complete her, but how could I do that? How? Then, her sweet voice ran through my mind. "Call for me."_

"_Bella." I watched as the words materialized in. Each letter of her name formed in mid air just like mine had. And I watched as the letter of her name slowly connected with each other. Then as the line began to draw itself straight, I felt something pulling me forward. Yanking me to stand in front of her, but I couldn't move. The string wrapped itself around me – completely around me – and with a deep undying breath, I tried to take a step forward. _

_My foot freely moved and rested on the ground. The invisible wall was gone. Bella's smile widened as my other foot took its place next to the other. The string that held me together slowly began to unravel itself. The end of it snaking up and down twirling and flipping as it closed the few feet between Bella, me, and her string. _

_It was like the string was pulling parts of me out. Those parts stayed with it. I lurched forward as it gave one final tug. Bella and I watched as the two strings slowly danced around each other – one end still connected to its rightful owner. They twisted together. Bella's string slowly inching closer to me as it entwined with my string that sought out the peaceful Bella. _

_My eyes were enticed with the string dance. It was almost hypnotizing watching the two identical strands dance around the other – waiting for one to make the move, but never doing it themselves. I let my gaze wonder down the strand that was mine and watch as it reached closer to Bella. There were only inches, now, separating the two of us from being connected. Bella's eyes reached mine._

_A peace filled me. A serenity started with her gaze and flowed through every pore, vein, and crevice of my body. I felt her flowing through me – her soul becoming mine and vice versa. Her lips parted with a gasp. The string had reached her. I glanced down at the strings leaving and entering me and smiled. We were connected. We were one._

_Suddenly, the strings began to glow golden with warmth. Heat radiated through them. I could feel the heat seeping into me – as if I needed something more to warm me. I followed the string with my eyes to Bella. She was glowing – a halo of gold formed around her. I lifted my hands to my face. I had the same halo – the same glow. _

_Something pushed me from behind. I stumbled, but caught my stance quickly before I dropped to my knees with a forceful push from above. The smell of strawberries burned my nose. Lifting my head up, Bella's hand caressed my chin. Without much effort, Bella pulled up and I stood – obeying her command._

"_Forever, Jacob. I'm here forever." Her voice was as soft as the wind._

_I reached out to touch her face, but it transformed quickly. I felt the strings diminish, though the pull toward Bella was more than evident. The extra warmth my body had now only fluttered in my chest with every heart beat. My hand was cold. Too cold. I moved my thumb across the changing figure's cheek. It felt like stone. Bella's welcoming strawberry scent was replaced with a nauseating smell._

_The once chestnut hair now faded to a fair blonde. And where the deep warm dark eyes once nestled rested a piercing pair of red eyes. I jumped back catching a full glimpse of what was in front of me._

_In front of me stood a barely dressed woman wearing only a hot pink pair of panties and a matching bra. I gasped. My hand cupped my mouth as a growl erupted from my chest. I felt the familiar shivering in my skin. I glanced down at it to see it quivering. An ear piercing laugh echoed in the darkness as the blonde became fully visible._

"_Jake," she cackled swaying her hips. "Don't you want to fuck me, Jake?"_

My body jerked up out of the bed covered in sweat. I panted as I stood and glanced around my room. What the hell was that?

"What…" I spoke to no one but myself. "was that?"

I shook my head trying to replay everything that had happened. The first part was easy to figure out. I'd figured it out a few days ago, but it was a beautiful way to let me know the imprint was complete. From today on, the full effects of what happened during her hesitation would be felt. I would finally know what it felt like to be imprinted. And to Bella at that. I tossed my head back and smiled.

_But…why was that… _I shrugged off that thought and headed for the shower.

Today would be my new start. Today…everything changes.


	17. Center of My World

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**Note & Warning: Language! Hot and cranky werewolves. Yummy. And a lemon? Really? Maybe? Could it be?** This is very long...like 18 pages in word long. Thanks to everyone who wished me Happy Birthday. Love! 3 New songs added to the playlist: Daughtry – What About Now & Breaking Benjamin – I Will Not Bow & Hoobastank – The Reason (listen to it when the lyrics pop up in this chapter!). Link to playlist is below. I'm still disappointed in the number of reviews I'm getting. Seriously, 400 vistors and 10 reviews? I should do something special for the reviewers. Hmm. All of my reviewers for this chapter will get a sneak peak at an upcoming chapter. And I mean...real reviews. No "OMG!" or "AWESOME!". Yup. Maybe that'll encourage some of ya'll. If not, oh well.

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"_And I'll survive, paranoid  
I have lost the will to change  
And I am not proud, cold blooded, fake  
I will shut the world away_

_I will not!"_

_**Breaking Benjamin – I Will Not Bow**_

**Jacob**

Did I need a plan? I mean, should a plan be in place before I had to explain it all to Bells? Her track record wasn't exactly clean. The two men she loved the most in her life had both screwed her over. I was no angel. There were plenty of times when we were first together that I screwed up – but I don't think I ever royally fucked her over like that damned leech she always compared me to did. It still sickened me. When her face would glaze over and all color left her face, I knew she was thinking of him. It made me want to puke just thinking about it.

He'd caused so much trouble with Bella way before he even thought of leaving. I don't know how Charlie put up with his douchebagery. In fact, from what Billy had told me, Charlie didn't care too much for the bastard. I didn't blame him. But, it wasn't like Charlie knew what I knew. I'm sure if he did, he would have high tailed it a long time ago. So, maybe I should thank the bloodsucker for that. Dick.

I shook my head. After the dream I had last night, you'd think I'd be in a better mood, but I wasn't. My mood kept getting dragged to the pissy side. Maybe I didn't get enough sleep. I gripped the steering wheel and punched the gas. Fuck it. I wouldn't die in a car crash anyway.

I was on my way back from my meetings with the community college and trade school. Trade school may be a problem. Seems they have some deal with the reservations in Washington. The reservations are supposed to send the most "talented" tradesmen, and the school will pay for the necessities. I was ok with all of that until the counselor said I needed a letter of recommendation from a council member. Shock must have been written all over my face, because the round woman just snickered and turned back to her computer_. Like_ _I needed her to fucking laugh at me._ I was already out of place. I was an Indian boy, over 6ft tall, insanely muscular, and with an attitude surrounded by short, middle aged, wrinkled, pale men and women staring at me like I was a freak. Like _I really needed her to fucking laugh_. So, I took the stupid sheet of paper with the "requirements" and decided to give it a go. What were they going to do? Tell me no? Hah! Wouldn't be the first time I was let down.

After my unproductive visit to the trade school, I went to the community college. The people were much nicer and much more helpful. I could have applied for acceptance, been accepted, and registered all the same day – except one minor little detail…tuition. It wasn't exactly the most expensive school in the world, but the 2 grand it was going to cost I didn't have. But I knew something Billy didn't think I did. Mom, before she died, left a college fund for my sisters and me. Who knew how much was left after my sisters, but I was going to ask anyway. Hopefully, Billy and Charlie would be back from their fishing trip by the time I made it to Bella's. I mean, Charlie's.

Billy wouldn't be too happy that I was only visiting him to talk about money. Hopefully, he wouldn't ask too many questions that I didn't want to answer. If I knew Sam, he'd probably blabbed his mouth to at least one other person. And you know how that goes. The story will be stretched so far by the time it reaches back to me that I'll probably have imprinted on a 60 year old virgin on her death bed. Fucking gross.

There was one thing I was excited about. I'd at least get to see Bella before tomorrow, and I could let her know that our date was still on. I hadn't exactly been the best person in the world. I'd promised her that I'd call and we'd see each other. But, hell, it'd only been a week.

_A week._ I hadn't talked to her or seen her in a _week._ Suddenly, I was pissed at myself. How could I do that to her? Yeah, sure, I'd tried to call her a couple of times, but couldn't find my balls long enough to do it. I mean, what if she didn't answer? Or what if she was like…I don't know, fucking someone else?

Now, that, yeah, that pissed me off. I could handle the laughs. I could handle the possibility of me not going to trade school. I could handle asking my father for money, but I could not handle thinking about Bella, **my** Bella, fucking someone else. I glanced to the speedometer. 95mph. The speed limit sign passed in such a blur that if I weren't a werewolf I probably wouldn't have known it said 35mph. Oh well. Fuck it. My day was shit already and it was barely 7 PM. I was only 5 miles away from Charlie's place. My nerves started to kick in. Half of them about talking to my father, and the other half were anxious to see Bella.

I felt my heart expand in my chest. It double beated. I felt like a teenager again. I felt like I was going on my first date. My first date with the girl I'd been crushing on since 12. That thought wasn't too far from the truth. Bella and I, however, had a past – a very long, disturbing, and possibly dysfunctional past. Possibly dysfunctional? What was I talking about? Of course it was dysfunctional.

She'd only chosen me, because he left. That was the real truth. It had been years since I thought about it that way. I would always fall short, because I was the silver medalist that was given the gold medal by default. If he hadn't fucked her over, by now, she'd be one of _them_. And, I would probably still be chasing after her like some kind of fucking pansy. Would I ever learn?

I doubted it, because I was too stupid – too far into it to even care. Besides, it's not like I had a choice any more. I'd fucking imprinted her. And here I was – a 20 year old man – who couldn't grow the balls to tell the truth. I still hadn't told her about all the girls. She said she knew, but I hadn't exactly come clean. My stomach rolled into itself – the nerves tripling the more I thought of the truth. Fuck. There was something about Bella Swan that turned me into a fucking school girl. I bit my bottom lip as I turned on to her road. I needed to put my big girl panties on. She would be there. And I would turn to mush. I'd promise her the sky. But, I wouldn't be able to deliver. Just like I didn't know if I could change. What the hell did she expect?

Bella didn't expect anything from me. I was the one with all the expectations. Hell, one week into it and I had thought about marrying her. Sure, sure… we had a past. We were together for a very long time before she up and left – snapping me into a million tiny pieces. And who was there to pick me up? Definitely not her. Definitely not the person that I wanted there. See, I couldn't just run to her with some fucking…recipes and beg her to teach me to cook – like she had with the bikes and me after Edward left. I was left. High and fucking dry to fiend for myself. So, when I put myself back together some pieces were missing and some…well they weren't put back in the right places. Obviously.

Before I realized what I was doing, I pulled into the driveway and put the car in park. With no luck and a little relief, Bella's truck was gone. She wasn't here. A part of me thanked whatever God there was, and a part of me became bitter. Where the fuck was she anyway?

I shouldn't have been angry, but like I said…I was pissed today. There was no other way of explaining the down right shitty mood I'd been in. The closer I got to Forks, the worse it became. Now I was standing on the front porch of my ex-girlfriend's, current imprinted whatever-the-fuck-we-were, house waiting to speak to my father, who I'd scared off with my broken heart. Seriously?

Going home and downing a bottle of Jose seemed to be the better option for the evening. I didn't feel like repairing anything right now. All I felt like doing was acting like a dick, and maybe getting my dick a little wet in the process. After all, I'd been demoted to Beta by my prior Alpha turned Beta turned Alpha again. I'd shut myself off from my friends. I'd successfully imprinted on the one girl who could castrate my ass without second thought. Did I mention the fact that the dumb blonde who'd sucked my dick for no more than 5 minutes had gone missing only to reappear in my dream last night as a fucking bloodsucker?

My life was a damned soap opera. If I didn't have a little humanity left in me, then I would have high tailed it a long time ago. Wouldn't I? Of course, I wouldn't. There was no way I could have the balls to do something like that. Of course, what I was doing was by far more reasonable – more humane. I was going to ask my father, who I hadn't as much spoken to in about a year, for tuition money. I'm sure that would go over about as well as my having Bella strip. And really, what the fuck was up with her freaking out? All she did was take her clothes off. I mean, seriously? It wasn't like I waived money in her face.

_Fucking women._ I scowled as the door opened. I didn't even remember knocking.

Charlie laughed. I glared at him. "Women." He spouted smugly.

"What?" I arched my eyebrows in question.

"Ah. Jacob. You have so much to learn. Every man knows that look on another man's face," he motioned for me to come in. "What brings you here?"

I wanted to snarl, growl, punch him in his fucking "all-knowing" face, but I didn't. My only reason – my plate could not handle anything else. Sitting in jail for punching your imprint/whatever's Father and Chief of Police in the face wasn't exactly how I wanted to spend my Friday night. No. I'd much rather drink myself into oblivion, and fuck some slut silly.

Oh right. He asked me what I wanted. "Is Billy here?"

Where else would he be? The two "bachelors" weren't fishing, so they were here. Both of them. They were so predictable. I'm sure if I walked into the living room, he'd be sitting in front of the flat screen watching some sport's show. Not that I minded sports. But, whatever. It was his life and if he wanted to live with his best friend and pretend to be 20 again, then he could do it all he wanted – as long as he paid my fucking tuition.

"Living room," Charlie nodded his chin in the direction of the living room I'd been in way too many times – the living room where I'd fucked his daughter shamelessly when he was on midnight shift. Did he really need to tell me where it was? No.

I bit my tongue making my way into the living room and sitting on the couch next to my father's wheel chair. I didn't turn around to see his expression. I didn't want an expression. I wanted money. And I most definitely didn't want his lecture on how much of a fuck up I was. We all knew I was an idiot. There was no need to say any of it. I just wondered how long it would take him to talk about me being "demoted".

"Jake, Billy. You guys want a beer?" Charlie stopped in the door frame. It was a cover up. He was trying to give Billy and I a chance to talk. I didn't want to talk, so I shook my head 'no'. Billy took the offer and agreed to have a beer. I grumbled to myself.

Charlie disappeared and about a second later, Billy started his shit. "Here you got _demoted_."

He emphasized "demoted" like I didn't know what the fuck he meant. I cringed inwardly and swallowed the dick head statement that I wanted to make. Instead, I chose my words carefully – he after all would be – _better be_ – paying my way through school. "Yeah. Sam thinks it best since I'm going back to school. Speaking of that…"

I was proud of myself. Smooth ass transition. I'd just weaseled my way out of his question and taken the conversation where I wanted it to go. It's no wonder I get laid so much. I should be on a fucking debate team or something.

"It's not because of that. It's because of," Billy leaned closer and whispered quietly – his eyes roaming around the room – "her."

So maybe he hadn't heard. "No, it's not. It's about me." And suddenly, I was on the defensive. One minute I was almost bitter about Bella. The minute someone said something even remotely close to resembling something bad about her I flipped. "It has nothing to do with Bella." I growled instinctively.

"Of course it does. This all happened because of her. It's her fault," Billy nodded his head like he knew every fucking thing that had happened. What the fuck did he know anyway? Nothing. He fucking knew nothing and he didn't have the right to know anything. So, fuck him and fuck Sam.

"So what if it is? I'm a man. I should have made the right decisions. But, I didn't. I fucked up. Not the other way around," I made sure to articulate every syllable that way he had no reason to even think that I was covering for Bella. Fuck that excuse.

"You, son, are not a man," Billy laughed in an arrogant above all smug tone. "You are an arrogant, ignorant boy, who doesn't know anything."

That statement shot through me like fire through ice. My father – the man who nurtured me and produced me – spoke down to me like I was beneath him somehow. I was beneath no one. I was fucking Alpha. I had the blood. I had the natural ability. It was me. Not him. Not my father. Not Sam. Not fucking Edward. I was a man. I was the man. I was strong, virile, and charismatic. I'd had many women. I'd proven myself at 16. I'd been forced into many situations I didn't deserve to be in, and here was this piece of shit fucking asshole who thought he knew me. Fuck Billy.

Well, little did Billy know that my life was about to take a sharp turn. I was about to become everything and more. I would be better. I would be stronger. I would be everything that I needed to be. And without his help. So, fuck him. I didn't need him. Fuck. Him.

I didn't so much as give him or Charlie a second look. Neither of them deserved a fucking response from me. I was better than that. That fucking bastard. How dare he try to tell me that I was not a man? I slammed the front door behind me, stomped down the two steps and fucking ran to my car. I'll show him a fucking man – werewolf or not. I will prove him wrong. I am not an arrogant, ignorant little boy. There were plenty of women out there willing to tell him different. I was a fucking man.

My tires squealed as I backed out of the driveway. Rocks and dirt flicked the cars still sitting there. A cloud of dust reflected in my rear view mirror as I pulled onto the street. The car fish tailed as I punched the gas and shifted through the gears as quickly as I could. The faster I got the fuck out of dodge, the faster I could wallow in my own fucking pain. Fuck him for adding to all the shit I had to deal with. What a bastard.

I slammed the shifter into 5th gear. I chewed on my jaw the entire drive home. It was raw and bleeding by the time I was pulling up the long dirt road that lead to nothing but my home. I'd calmed down a little. No longer did I want to rip my father's fucking throat out, but I did need a release. A long drawn out release that I hadn't had in well over two weeks. Bella was the first person to come to mind, but really? She wouldn't give it up. She'd practically turned into a fucking prude. The entire week she spent at my house, she spent in full fucking flannel. I never saw that little skirt again. And I never would either. Bella wouldn't give it up without work.

A deep burning pain built up in my chest. Bella was the one I was blaming now. I was trying to shove it all on her. I was trying to find everything wrong with the situation just to stay out of it – when that's not really what I wanted. I didn't want to change, but I had to. Change meant that I'd have to face every deep dark secret I had head on. There's nothing more that Jacob Black hates to do. I'd rather watching fucking Oprah.

You see, I've built up walls – enormous steal walls around myself. Bella, well, if I were Superman, she'd be my kryptonite. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do for her. And that meant I'd change everything about me. It wasn't only because I had imprinted with her. No. I loved her long before then. It was more so, because I wanted to offer her the world. I would give her the world if I could. But, it wasn't all about Bella. As much as I hated change, I wanted more from life than one night stands, and partying. I wanted a life – a real honest life that I could build upon. A life that meant more to me than anyone else.

Maybe…I wasn't a man.

I felt like one. I looked like one. I'd see my fair share of crazy shit. I had more experience than most 50 year olds. But, did that make me a man? I heaved a sigh. Probably not. Fuck.

As I turned the corner into my driveway, my heart bounced in my chest. The pissed off attitude faded as her rusty old truck came to view. I…I was speechless. There wasn't anything inside of me left to say or think about. My world suddenly became about Bella. I flipped the ignition off and watched her fight with the mud. I could hear how pissed off she was. I knew she was pissed at me. But it wouldn't matter when she saw me. Oh the benefits of being a fucking imprint.

Slowly, I made my way to the center of my world. Her eyes were closed. She was fuming. Her cheeks blushed bright red. Her clothes were covered in splotches of mud.

"Who are you talking to," I found my balls long enough to actually speak.

My mood lifted. I trailed my eyes over her tiny body – remembering every inch of her porcelain skin. Her clothes were wet with mud and clung to her curves. Her rounded breasts perked through the thermal top. I licked my lips. I noticed how her hair almost matched the color of the mud. It fanned out and clumps of wet dirt clung to her chestnut strands. Her cheeks tinged pink, and her lips were as pouty as they'd always been. Fuck. She was beautiful.

"Geez…Bells, you still like to play in the mud?"

Bella's face lit up. I suppose she recognized me from that statement. As kids we'd spent most of our time playing the in mud, making mud pies, and sometimes having all out muddy battles. I smiled at the memories. The shitty attitude I'd developed throughout the day faded completely. She was perfect. Everything about her was perfect. She was perfect for me. I would be perfect for her. I'd change. In that moment, that statement was completely 100% true. I'd be everything she needed me to be. I'd be the sun, the earth, the wind, the sky. I'd be it all for this tiny beautiful woman standing in front of me covered in mud.

She was my everything.

When she stood up, I noticed she was only wearing one shoe. Her socked foot squished into the mud below her. "Where's your shoe?"

"Uh," she thumbed the mud hole next to her, "in there."

I couldn't help but laugh. All of the bad shit that went on throughout the day just poured out of me as laughter. It was funny, after all. I mean, she really did have bad luck. My face started to hurt from laughing so hard, but she wasn't amused. I cocked my eyebrow at her. "Is that where my dinner is too?"

Instead of saying anything, she simply nodded her head toward the mud hole a few feet away. I eyed the purple containers of food half submerged in the murky water. My sides almost split open as the laughter poured from me again. It was sad. So, sad that I was laughing this hard at my Bella. I stifled my laughter.

"You're okay, though, right," I eyed her. She didn't seem injured. My attention fixated on her protruding nipples. They pointed directly at me – just begging me to tweak at them or lick them. God, if only she'd let me. My heart thumped in my chest. I realized that I'd looked her up and down for far too long. Goosebumps rose over her tiny frame. I had to change the subject and quick or else I'd rip her clothes from her right now. "I mean, besides, not being on God's good side anymore."

She blushed. She was so cute when she blushed. _What the fuck? Did I just really say that?_

"What are you talking about," she breathed out with a huff.

"I heard you, cursing at your God," I smiled sweetly at her. Her eyes flew over me almost like she was sizing me up. A flit of jealousy blasted through my veins. What was it that she could possibly be jealous about at a time like this? "What," I asked.

"Nice clothes," her voice came out soft and sporadic. "Have a date?"

_Oh, for fucks sake. Really?_ I glared at her. Was she really serious? The one time I was actually trying to do something right – on a shitty ass day at that – she was going to pull this shit. Great. I glared at her the whole time she was digging in the puddle for her shoe. I probably should have helped, but if she was seriously going to act like that, then fuck her too.

With that thought, my heart burned. My chest tightened. I knew I didn't mean that. "Bella," I sighed out the anger.

"Jacob," she spoke the syllables of my name sharply.

"Why do you have to act like that," the disappointment I had in myself rolled out of me. I wasn't just disappointed in myself, though. I was disappointed in her too. Did she really think that I would or _could_ even date someone else? Is that what she really thought of me?

"Act like you've been avoiding me? Oh, well, I don't know, Jacob. Maybe, because you have been!"

So, that's what she thought. "I haven't been avoiding you, Bells," I corrected her. "I've been busy."

Bella should have known then about the leech. I should have told her, but I didn't. Of course, I didn't. How could I, Jacob Black, have grown a pair of balls to tell someone the truth so quickly? It was down right fucking impossible.

"With what? Or should I ask who? Was it that dumbass blonde?"

I wanted to laugh. That was the furthest thing from the truth, but this whole situation was beginning to break me. I was losing my will. Everything was flying out the window. I could fight it all if I wanted to. I was strong enough. There was nothing to stop me – except for that one minor detail. I was head over fucking heals in love with her. And that had proven, many-a-times, to remove any type of balls or guts I had. So, whatever. I wasn't going to give up. I wasn't going to break. Nothing was lost. I was not going to give in.

She dropped her eyes from mine. Her shame was written all over her face. She couldn't place the reasons behind her jealousy. I couldn't either. I guess, maybe, I had been avoiding her –_ in a way_. Not in the way she was thinking though. It had nothing to do with other women. It had nothing to do with heart break. It all had to do with me. I was putting my wants ahead of everything else for a change.

Everything had been different when I decided to put my wants first. The knee jerk reaction was imprinting on Bella. I suppose that's what the dream was all about. I'd finally made my choice. She'd made hers when she came back. Bells' decision to hesitate when she pulled out of my driveway last week changed fate. I needed answers. I had so many questions. But, seriously, I didn't want to talk to Sam about it. I'd ran to him too many times over Bella. He'd betrayed me. And for what? Protection of our reservation, of our lives, of our futures.

Then. It. Clicked. All. Of. It. I felt like one of those jigsaw puzzles, and someone had just put the puzzle pieces together. It took me this long to realize this was all not about me. It was about everyone else. I wasn't the most important thing in the world. The world, as much as I hated to admit it, did not revolve around Jacob Black. Instead, I was put here to protect its people. I was here to love this very beautiful, very clumsy woman. I breathed deeply.

"Bella, it's not what you think," I looked down at my clothes. "I had to go into town."

I hated seeing her this way – so sad, so disjointed. I needed to put her back together. I needed her to put me back together. There was no other way for this to work. She was the last puzzle piece.

Bells trembled. "And you couldn't call me or stop by because…"

"I did stop by, but you weren't there," I whispered lightly. My breath hitched in my throat. My heart was telling me to grab on to her – to hold on to her for dear life, but I resisted the urge. I bit my bottom lip.

"Oh," she exhaled. "Why haven't you called?"

"I tried. A couple of times." Nervously, I ran my hand up the back of my head. "But I just couldn't…It's a little weird, ya know? Having you here to talk to, to worry about."

_Finally, the fucking truth._ It wasn't so hard after all. I hadn't turned into some kind of frog. Bella didn't run. She didn't cry. I didn't burst into flames. All, actually, seemed well with the truth.

"Jake, don't worry about me. I'm a big girl now. I can handle myself."

"Really?" I laughed as the pictures of her in the mud came flooding back. I held the memory of the party at bay. No one handled themselves very well that night. "Looks like you got into a fight with that mud hole, and the mud hole won."

Bella took a glance over herself. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear."Okay, maybe you're right. I can't win against vampires or mud holes. But, honestly, Jake, I can take care of myself."

"I know." She'd proven it. I, however, had only proven how much of a dumbass I was. Bells was the only thing to keep me intact. Her eyes, her lips, her heart, and her sweet love were the only things to keep me in check the past weeks. I couldn't deny her that. I studied her from the way her hair tucked neatly behind her ear to the way her face filled with so much love and determination. There had been so much to say. But, neither of us could come up with the most appropriate beginning. In this moment with me watching her every move – studying her every reaction – I fell back in love.

My broken heart mended itself. The scars were a distant memory. She was here – _now_ – with me. Not with anyone else. With me. She chose me. She'd chosen me long ago. My dream was trying to tell me that. She'd made her choice, and I was it. The only reason the imprint didn't happen so long ago was because of me. I was the one who stopped it all. I, yet again, was the screw up. Last night, unconsciously, I made my choice.

I, Jacob Ephraim Black, chose Isabella Marie Swan to be my imprint.

I felt light. Airy. Feathery. Like everything was right in the world again. For once in the past 2 years, I was optimistic. I felt invincible. I felt like no one could put the fire burning inside of me out. I was hopeful. I was. I was…_Jake._

I wanted to touch her. I wanted to feel her respond to _me_. I latched my hand on to her hip. Bella's skin was so cool and soft against my hands. Her tiny blue thermal shirt left nothing to the imagination when it was wet. I wanted to feel more. To see more. To say more. So, I finally let _him_ speak. "If it makes up for anything, I've really missed you." My other hand gripped on to the opposite hip with a slight squeeze. This was it. This was my reason. I couldn't help but smile.

She only chewed on her lip and a barely audible "I missed you too" came from her lips. I wanted to kiss them. To feel them leave trails of cool ghost kisses over mine.

"Yeah," I smiled brushing a strand of her silky hair away from her delicate face.

"Yeah." She watched my lips wantingly. Hers taunted me. I had to taste them.

I pulled her closer. Her body was close to mine. The coolness of her skin poured into my palms instantly cooling them. It had been so long since I'd seen her like this. I was seeing her with new eyes. And all I wanted to do was prove to her, show her, how much I loved every single inch of her.

"Do you want to," I licked my lips wishing that I could taste her there. She'd already began to nod her head in agreement. I felt the goosebumps roaring over her skin underneath her clothes. "Go inside?"

"_I'm not a perfect person  
There's many things I wish I didn't do  
But I continue learning  
I never meant to do those things to you  
And so I have to say before I go  
That I just want you to know"_

Bella's hand grasped mine entwining our fingers together. The contact her skin had when it touched mine sent slithers of sizzles throughout my body. Her smile warmed my soul. It was genuine, real, and safe. I rested my empty hand on her shoulder afraid to touch any other part of her skin with my own. Her head turned and gazed at my hand. I softly rubbed from side to side. The chocolate pools I'd gotten lost in so many times before filled with a haze. Her pupils dilated to the point a small circle of brown revolved around them. I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth. With a deep enticing breath, I slid my palm to her face. A jolt of electricity fled through my veins.I could no longer hold back the urge to touch her perfect plump lips to mine.

I dipped my lips to hers. Her eyes fluttered shut and she patiently waited for my lips to settle. I left a light gentle kiss lingering on both of our lips. Bella slowly lifted her lust heavy lids and finally got the chance to see me. My breath quickened and my brows burrowed together. Her eyes softened and a sweet tender smile peeked through the corners of her mouth.

"Jake," she whispered.

And my world stopped. Everything around us began to move in slow motion. The trees waved in the sky as the wind picked up swirling around us a cloud of dusty rubble. Leaves, sticks, rocks – whatever the wind could pick up – spun around like a cyclone. The clouds grew darker by the second. Only, Bella and I stood in the center completely untouched. Unprovoked by this massive storm going on around us. Bella's eyes widened with a gasp. She was seeing it too.

Mother nature had us circled. She was throwing everything she had at us. Rain began to fall, but it never entered our bubble. Rocks bounced off of the invisible barriers. Tree limbs snapped at the corners of the fake walls. Lightening lit up the skies around us. Clouds twirled and spun faster and faster. The world was picking up speed, but Bella and I…we were here together withstanding the storms of time. There was nothing out there - nothing in the world – could harm us.

Urgently, I was being pulled – being told – to pick, to chose. And I heard her voice from my dream. I heard her calling out to me asking me to say her name.

"Bella," I whispered just as I had last night in my dream.

"Jake," she echoed. Her eyes pooled with tears that fell onto her smiling cheeks.

My eyes stung with my own. I didn't try to hold them back. Freely, they fell and I smiled.

"_I've found out a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
and the reason is you"_

"I love you," my voice came out confident, clear.

"I love you," her voice rang in my ears like Bells.

"You're my reason, Bells." I tenderly stroked my hand through her hair. My eyes never left hers. They couldn't. There was nothing holding me back from her now. Nothing would ever hold me back again.

"You're reason?" She questioned. Bella looked to her right, then to her left. Her eyes watched the storm around us dissipating. Her doe eyes widened as the realization hit her.

"Yes. You're my reason to live, Bella. You are my everything. My only thing. You are…" I started to say it, but she quietly interjected it.

"Imprint," her smile widened.

I nodded my head with a grin as the wind became quiet. The debris floating in the air quickly began to fall to the ground. "I'm sor…" her lips covered mine blocking my apology. I expected her to pull away – to stop, but she didn't. Bella's hands grabbed onto my hair and pulled me into her kiss. Her tongue pressing against my teeth, begging for entrance.

I lifted her by the hips. Her legs wrapped around my waist. The close contact of her body to mine almost made a sizzling sound. I trodded my way into the house never tearing my lips from hers – never letting her tear her lips from mine. I stumbled into the wall of my bedroom. Aimlessly, I reached out to find my door trying desperately to not move her from the position she was in. I wouldn't dare stop kissing her, touching her, feeling her. I needed more. I wanted more.

Victoriously, I grabbed onto the door knob and twisted it. As I stepped into the room, Bella's legs left my waist and settled on the ground. She quickly began to remove her coat, and shoes. I slammed the door shut and locked it before turning to my dresser and opening the top drawer. Only instead of grabbing the condom and rushing to her, I hesitated. What if I hurt her again? What if it wasn't what she wanted? What if I was too rough? What if…

Just as the hesitation was starting to get to me, Bella's hands slid up the back of my t-shirt dragging it up as her hands settled on my shoulder blades. She left trails of sweet, tender, and teasing kisses in her wake. Her hands darted around the front of my shirt. She dug her nails into my chest. My head dropped back with a moan. "Bella."

She reached her hand into the top drawer and retrieved a condom. God, she was amazing. Her lips trailed around my side. Her tongue darted out and nipped at my rib cage. I clenched my jaws together to keep the antagonizing pleasure at bay. Bella grabbed my sides with her hands and spun me around.

"_I'm sorry that I hurt you  
It's something I must live with everyday  
And all the pain I put you through  
I wish that I could take it all away  
And be the one who catches all your tears  
Thats why i need you to hear"_

"Jake."

My name on her lips pushed me over the edge. It did things to me I never thought I would feel. My body ached. It throbbed to be next to her – bare skin on bare skin. I wanted to feel her. I wanted to see her. I needed to be inside of her – molded to her as if we were one person.

I grabbed her by the waist and pushed us toward my bed. The backs of her legs bumped the bed, and I mumbled a quick sorry before nibbling her sweet little lips. God she tasted so amazing. Her sweet scent had nothing on the sweet, tangy taste she left on my lips, in my mouth. I needed to taste more of her. I grabbed the bottom of her shirt and pulled it over her head, before doing the same with mine. Her hands quickly unclasped her bra. Bella pressed her bare skin against the bare skin of my chest. Her soft plump lips kissed up my neck and around my collar bone. She stretched onto her tip toes – both of her hands on the sides of my face – and pulled me into a deep kiss. Her tongue overpowering mine – leaving tingly and aching sensations anywhere it touched. Her fingertips dug into my jaw.

My chest flexed when her hands traveled to the button of my jeans. I bit into my lip and dipped my head into her neck. I drug my tongue up to her ear and sucked her lobe into my mouth. Flicking it with my tongue, I pulled away and pressed my lips into hers so hard that it almost hurt. The pain was miniscule next to the level of ecstasy I was in.

Bella's tiny hands felt like heaven against me. The way she touched and stroked every inch of my skin sent jolts of lightening through my veins. She moved so quickly and so expertly that I could almost feel her touching elsewhere before her hands left the current spot they were in. A groan rumbled in the back of my throat as I kissed into her collar bone. I let it free before I began to suck softly and run my tongue over the joining area of her neck and collarbone.

"Jake," she moaned out tilting her head back. My body rose with goosebumps.

I let Bella pull me forward on top of her as we fell to the bed. Her jeans made a crunching sound as she swiftly pressed herself into me. The heat between her legs radiated through me as her sweet aroma filtered through my nose. My mouth watered.

With one fast movement, I pulled her tight jeans from her body and threw them across the room. Her white cotton panties were the only thing stopping me from the mouth watering area I needed to taste so badly. She pulled my head to her stomach. I kissed it softly, then kissed each of her hip bones. I nipped at the top of her panties with my teeth. With the top of her panties still between my teeth, I glanced up at her through my eyelashes. She was so damned beautiful. Her lips were plump and pink matching the blush rising on her cheeks. Her breathe heaved her soft milky white breasts up and down. She fisted a handful of her hair and bit into her lip.

I smirked and set them free. She groaned and dropped her head to the bed. Quickly I kissed the exposed skin at the top of her thigh. I ran my tongue up and down her thigh and then echoed the same movements on the opposite thigh. My name never sounded so good as she moaned and bucked against my face. I suppose the theories about imprinting were right. I'd never seen or felt anything like this before.

My hands ran the length of her leg and back up coming to a screeching halt at the waistline of her panties. I dug my fingertips under them. I kissed the front of her panties just slightly above her mound. As I retreated my kiss her hips bucked upward. The wet spot on her panties left no question about what she wanted. I quickly kissed the sweet wet tender spot and drug her panties down her leg.

I dove in before her panties were fully down – running my tongue up and down her sweet little slit. She tasted so good. Her breathes became gasps. I pulled her panties completely from her and wrapped her legs around my head. I started with small tender, soft circles. Her moans and whimpers begging me to continue my journey. Softly, I flicked my tongue onto her click and then sucked it between my lips.

"OH GOD," she screamed arching her back from the bed. She nearly pulled herself from my mouth. I palmed her chest and gently pushed her back to the bed twirling my tongue in circles, then flicking it back and forth quickly over her tiny little clit. Her juices flooded down my chin before I could lap them up. She was exploding onto my face in no time – screaming my name louder and louder as I didn't stop until she pulled my head from between her legs and kissed me.

She bit my lips and sucked them into her mouth as her hands worked quickly on my jeans. Bella's legs wrapped around my waist and her feet shoved my underwear and pants down past my thighs. I kicked them off the rest of the way as she pushed my chest back. Her head dipped down to my member as her hand cupped me. She licked the head of my dick and sucked it into her mouth twirling her tiny tongue around it.

"God, Bells," I groaned watching her gingerly work on my cock. "Please, I need to be inside you."

A moan escaped her mouth as she plopped me out and scrambled for the condom on the table. Bella ripped it open with her teeth. I cocked my eyebrow at her and gave her a quick smile. Where'd she learn to do that? Swiftly, she rolled the condom down my length, then grabbed my shoulders and yanked me down.

Bella and I locked eyes. She whimpered as I pressed near her entrance. "Make love to me, Jake."

That was all the encouragement I needed. I slowly entered her inch by painstaking inch rolling my hips with every withdrawal. Her eyes widened and her mouth gaped. Her breath almost leveled on the stages of hyperventilating. She wrapped tightly around me. Her sweet center quivering every second I was inside of her. My body was covered in a glistening sweat. Goosebumps rippled throughout my skin – disappearing and then reappearing every time I left and reentered her.

But being inside of her. God it was amazing. It was so satisfying. My mouth watered. My heart swelled. My soul – complete. She rocked onto me as I pumped deeper and deeper inside of her. Every nerve I had was on end as if they each had a feather lightly tickling them. Her body glistened as the evening light poured in through the window over the bed. The sweat pellets glittered against her pale white skin. Her chest heaved and moaned with every thrust. I rolled my eyes and bit into my lip so hard I could taste a the blood. Her hands grappled on to me. They moved all over my back – her nails dragging leaving stinging trails behind.

"God, Bella," I moaned rolling my hips into her again.

Her eyes rolled back and her back arched toward my chest as I felt her tender center clamp against me. Bella screamed out. Her body twitching and jerking against her control. I kept my pace. Rolling in and out of her bringing myself to the brink of my orgasm as her second one rolled around. This time Bella's hands dug into my shoulders and crushed me to her chest forcing me deeper inside of her. I growled into her mouth as she clamped down again.

"JAKE," she screamed twitching below me. This time she held on to me. Her body not releasing mine causing her to keep a tight grip on my dick.

"Ugh," I groaned pounding into her hard but slowly.

"Yes. Oh. God," she breathed against my lips. "Harder."

I slammed into her as hard as I could relishing the feel of her tiny frame fitting me so well. Her hips bucked into me and I came to a crashing hault panting her name over and over again. I collapsed on top of her with a grumbled.

Silence filled the air, but Bella's tiny hand stroked the hair on the back of my neck. I rested my cheek against her bare chest as it rose and fell. Her breathing eventually slowed as did mine. When it did, Bella kissed the top of my head sweetly. I looked up to her and caught a glimpse of the truest smile I'd ever seen in my life. She was almost glowing. Her skin looked fresh and iridescent. The moonlight glimmered against it perfectly casting shadows over the rounded parts of her body. I kissed her chest lightly making my way up the front of her neck then resting a silently soft kiss on her lips. She squeezed her eyes closes and smiled.

Her smile spread to me, and instinctively, I grinned from ear to ear. It was her smile. The one she loved to see me wear so much. I had a feeling that I'd be wearing it quite often now. I couldn't be happier than right here..right now. It was perfect. Everything was perfect.

"I should probably go," Bella whispered opening her eyes.

I stared into her chocolate pools and dared her to leave. I doubted she could. And I didn't want her to go. She couldn't go. Not now.

I shook my head with a smile on my face. I'm sure I looked like a fucking goofy moron, but I didn't care. She wasn't going anywhere. Ever again.

"Stay." I stated firmly.

Bella's eyes widened in disbelief as if she were asking herself if she heard what she thought she had. "Are you…asking me… to…"

"Yes." The beating of my heart intensified as I began to say what I thought I never would again.

"Que Quowle. Stay with me forever, Bells.""

"_I've found a reason to show  
A side of me you didn't know  
A reason for all that I do  
And the reason is you"_

_Hoobastank – The Reason_


	18. Peace, Love, & War

**Warning: Language. Werewolves. Adult situations. **_Authors note is at the bottom!_

**Playlist: **http://www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/18784013067

**Confessions **(The Companion Piece): http://www(.)fanfiction(.)net/s/5708366/1/Confessions

"_The sun is breaking in your eyes  
To start a new day.  
This broken heart can still survive  
With a touch of your grace.  
Shadows fade into the light.  
I am by your side,  
Where love will find you."_

_Daughtry – What About Now_

**Jacob**

So, Bella and I were back. It didn't take long. Our feelings were unchanged. All of the pain, and hurt didn't matter anymore. We had each other. That is all we needed to get through this. There was no doubt in my mind that we could make this work – _by choice_. The thought tingled in my mind. Sam had been wrong. There was a choice to imprinting.

I was beyond elated at the whole situation. Well, maybe not the _whole_ situation, but the situation in general. Bells and I had called a truce to _our_ war. We'd both fought a tireless battle. A battle with low blows, broken enemies, and atomic bombs. The fight between us was over. A peace treaty had been signed, sealed, and delivered. No more fighting. No more running. We were meant to be. We were both… emotionally drained.

But, no matter how emotionally drained I was, I still had issues to deal with. I still had my own battle within myself. As I'm sure, she did as well. Neither of us had been exactly honest about the tug-of-war fights going on inside of us. Bella had a pretty good idea of the problems I was facing. On my side, from over here, I had no idea what she was going through. I didn't know what was going on in that pretty little head of hers.

All in all, it was peaceful. Last night had been the most fulfilling night of my life so far. And to think that the first time I made love to her, I swore I'd never be happier than I was at that moment. Yet, tonight as we drove to Emily and Sam's for the bonfire, I was the happiest man alive.

Ironic of me to say that, right? With what a horrible day I had yesterday and the way the past two and a half years have gone, I should probably be tainted beyond repair. I probably would have been if she hadn't come back. If she hadn't been here sitting next to me in the cab of her truck watching the starry night sky through the passenger side door, I wouldn't be driving down the road smiling like an idiot. Though it was only a foot or so, the space between us seemed like miles. I reached my hand across the seat and tugged her still muddy jacket.

A smile played across her face. She looked me up and down asking what I wanted with her eyes. But it wasn't one of _those_ looks. No, it was one of the most amazingly beautiful expressions I'd ever seen. Bella was toying with me. She knew that I wanted her close to me, that I did not want that mere foot between us. Hell, she'd griped half of the day, because I refused to separate myself from her. Maybe I was going a little overboard, but I didn't care. It'd been so long since I felt this way… since I felt alive.

Eventually after a few more tugs on the sleeve of her muddy jacket, she scooted close to me and rested her pretty head on my shoulder. My body tingled at the contact of her to me again. It was like drinking a whole bottle of ice cold water on a long hot day. I pressed my cheek to the top of her head.

"Jake," she whispered tracing lines down my bicep.

"Hmm," I hummed hoping to whatever God there was that this feeling would last forever.

"Do you remember back when you first told me about imprinting," Bella's voice was calm, rational, and beautifully confident. She sounded just like the most perfectly tuned set of church bells.

"Yeah," I responded.

"Well, back then you said you didn't have a choice right?" She was quick. I knew she'd ask this, and I wished I had the exact answer. I didn't. No one did. Imprinting was supposed to be rare. Not many of the tribe knew about the in's and out's.

"Right," I edged her on with a lift of my voice.

"That doesn't make sense," she absent mindedly rested the palm of her hand on my thigh.

"How's that," I asked.

"I made a choice. I chose you, Jacob. I could have chosen Edward, but I didn't. I chose you. So, if imprinting had nothing to do with choices, then wouldn't you and I have imprinted a long time ago?"

"You're right," I agreed. "All I can come up with is that we both had to become the people we were supposed to be. Or well, in my case, headed in that direction. Once that happened, then our souls finally matched. Besides, back then, Bells, I was pretty damned selfish."

She laughed softly. I felt her eyes on my cheek, so I tore my attention from the road to her. Bella's smile was weak. She felt bad for laughing in agreement. I grinned at her.

"It's ok to laugh. I was selfish. I still am, but I'm working on it," I took my right hand from the steering wheel and wrapped my arm around her shoulders.

"Is that what you need to work on? Your selfishness," her index finger traced invisible circles on my thigh.

"That and plenty of other things." I cleared my throat and continued with what I really needed to say. "I still have a lot of changing to do, Bella. I thought I could do it on my own. That's the main reason I asked you to leave, but I can't. I need you there…here."

The rest of the ride was silent. Bella kept her head on my shoulder and her fingers traced lines over my thigh, my lower arm, and my stomach. I loved that she was so comfortable with touching me – being close to me. It was almost as if nothing ever came between us. We were in love again.

But were we boyfriend and girlfriend? I don't think so. Bella and I both knew labels weren't the best thing right now. We'd agreed upon it. It wasn't an issue in either of our books. So, I was sure the bonfire would be a success. We would both have to answer a lot of questions and withstand plenty of questionable looks. But, poor Bella, she'd have the most explaining to do. I wasn't too sure how many people knew she was back. I wasn't so sure that everyone would be as excited as I was to have her with me again. I bit the corner of my lip as we pulled into the driveway.

"Who…" Bella's voice lowered nervously. She fidgeted in her seat, and then sat up out of the comfortable slouch she'd been in the entire ride. "Who all is going to be here again?"

"I don't know," I kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry."

"For what," she eyed me. Her eyebrow lifted demanding an explanation. I could feel the panic coursing through her veins. "You didn't…plan…"

"No!" That statement came out much louder than I intended it to. I clenched my jaw – easing the panic out of me. "I'm just sorry about what you're probably going to experience. It's…I don't know exactly what's going to happen."

"Oh, right. No. I know. You don't have to be sorry. Let me carry my burdens. You have plenty of your own to carry," she slid across the bench seat and out of her door leaving me absolutely astonished.

That was one of the 101 reasons why I loved Bella Swan.

The bonfire started off like every other one we'd had over the years. Emily had cooked plenty of food. Sam had taken to grilling whatever meat Emily had bought. Quil, Embry, Jared, and Paul were tossing around a football – probably waiting for Sam and me to join in for game – in the back yard.

Bella and I made it through most of the night avoiding stares, gawking looks, and whispers. Though, I'm not sure if they didn't actually happen or if we were content just being together. It was the first night that we hadn't let anyone interrupt our time together. I mean, yeah, I hung out with the boys. Bella spent most of the night talking and catching up with Emily. But, we were still…_together_. I suppose it was a part of the imprint thing. A part of me wanted it to be more than that.

I felt oddly at ease through dinner. Bella clasped her hand on my knee half way through dinner and didn't let go until I was clearing our plates from the table. It wasn't like she had some death grip on me or that she was in an awkward position. Mostly, it felt like she was trying to comfort me – like she was trying to tell me that she was absolutely ok with whatever happened tonight.

As the sky faded into the deep purple midnight sky, the pack gathered the wood Sam had chopped last week and stacked it in the middle of the back yard. Sam and Emily had so many bonfires here that there was already a makeshift fire pit directly centered between the forest line and their home. It wasn't that they prepared the fire pit. The fire pit more or less created itself over the years. There was a circle of brown dirt with sparse patches of grass growing surrounding the scorched leftovers of the previous bonfire. A few remnants of logs had been shoved to the middle before Paul and Jared circled it with the new firewood.

Sam and Embry had gone for a quick patrol over the lands just in case the leech returned. Bella and Emily were seated at the picnic table on the porch talking and laughing as if the past 2 and a half years never happened. I stood at the fire pit with the bottle of lighter fluid in hand waiting for Jared and Paul to bring enough wood over to start the blaze. Quil stood next to me – cautious and grinning – with a box of matches in hand. In my left hand, I fisted a bottle of Bud light. I kept my attention on the fire pit. Quil's cautious and grinning stare was starting to rattle my nerves.

I took a swig of my beer and glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. God, he was so fucking giddy – like a goddamned school girl. He shook the box of matches causing a scraping sound to break the glare I had on him. He smiled thickly and sipped his beer.

"Ok. What's up with you," I shifted my weight to my other foot.

Quil's smile brightened and he fidgeted.

"Dude, did you get laid or something," I raised my eyebrow at him.

He shook his head no.

"Find a girl…" I trailed off using my index finger in a circling motion to edge him on – hopefully.

"No," he answered with a smile.

"Then what the hell is up with you smiling at me like that," I took another drink of my beer as did he. "It's a little…freaky. Do you have a crush on me or something?" I tried to make the situation light. And hell, his good mood was contagious. I smiled back at him and chuckled as she shook the box back and forth in his hand. The noise resembled the beat of a song and Quil consequently nodded his head in beat with it.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Quil laughed.

"That! That's what I'm talking about!" I motioned toward his dancing and bobbing.

"Jake, man. Relax. I'm just happy," Quil smiled at my annoyance.

"Obviously," I grunted as Jared and Paul inched closer with arms full of wood. I heard them arguing over who was carrying the most. Paul bitched at Jared saying that the extra piece of wood he carried on his head did count and that made him caring 52 pieces. I rolled my eyes and headed toward them before they forgot about the wood and ended up pouncing each other.

"For you," Quil stated as I passed him. I stopped raising my eyebrows in shock.

"What?"

"And Bella." Quil patted me on the shoulder with the box of matches and nodded his head toward Paul, who by now had dropped his arm load of wood. He charged toward Jared who screamed like a little girl. I chuckled and turned around. There was no sense in trying to stop them when it had already started.

"You're starting to sound gay," I chuckled.

"No way. I'm just happy for you, brother. And may I say," Quil cleared his throat and howled in the air. Paul and Jared stopped in mid roll. Bella and Emily stopped their constant giggling. "It's about god damned time!"

Surprisingly enough, Paul and Jared whooped their howls into the air. I burst into laughter and doubled over. No longer could I keep this happiness constricted within me. It was about damned time something happened. I mean, with me. Not just between Bella and I. It was time for me to change and I wouldn't have seen it if she hadn't made her way back. I turned around and eyed her tiny little figure walking toward me. I tilted my head up and howled into the night.

"Jake," Bella laughed with a huff. "What are you doing?"

I tucked my arm around her shoulders. Kissing the top of her head, I whispered a tender 'I love you' that I'm sure the pack heard. This was the change I needed. And it felt good.

About an hour or so after the fire was started, more people from the rez began to show up. Most of them I had known or spent time with at one point or another. And they were just as surprised as I was at the smile on my face. I couldn't keep it away even when I tried.

Tonight was supposed to be a night of celebrating our heritage, but tonight I would have my own celebration. A long overdue celebration between my heart and my head – who after a few short years were reunited in two very long and emotional weeks.

Hopefully, where we were now was right where we were supposed to be. _Hopefully._ God, it'd been so long since I'd felt real honest to goodness hope. My chest expanded with it. I felt the ball of glowing hope grow larger and larger until it radiated through my bones. It felt utterly amazing to be so hopeful and so happy. Bella and I had come so far in such a short time, yet there was no fear. There was only hope, only dreams.

This new feeling…it made me stronger. I felt invincible. I felt like I could conquer the world. There was nothing left out there that could shatter me. I would find a way to pay for college. I would get my letter of recommendation from the tribal council. Nothing was going to stand in my way. I had a pack – though I was technically longer Alpha – who stood behind me, who wanted me to be happy. Then, there was the tiny woman sitting between my knees in front of the bonfire. She had been so much to me before. She had been my sunrise even through the darkest parts of my life. She made me feel complete – no matter how selfish I was being. God, I fucking loved this girl.

A huge grin spread across my face. I looked like a dumb mother fucker just staring at the flames licking the cool night's air, but I didn't care how I looked anymore.

Paul's elbow nudged my rib cage with a force only he would have the balls to use. "You've got it bad. _Again._"

I laughed a snort through my nose and dropped my lips to the top of Bella's head. "Yeah." My cheeks were hurting from all the smiling.

"Not that I'm trying to sound like a queer, but good for you. All those sluts…" Paul choked down a bite of leftover food. "You couldn't handle them." He raised his eyebrow in a smirk.

Nudging him with my shoulder, I laughed. "You do sound like a queer."

In the distance, the sound of a gurgling howl echoed into the full moon sky. Paul, Jared, myself, and Quil jerked our attention to the forest. A rush of panic and anger coursed through our veins. I glanced at Emily, whose scarred face raced with silent fears, then to Bella. Her eyebrows raised, then drew together as her eyes grew larger with the realization of what a howl like that could only mean. Just as suddenly had her face covered in terror it pasted over in a paleness that only a bloodsucker could have. Her eyes glinted with what looked like…_hope._

My chest constricted. There was the look I hadn't seen in years. It was that one little look that could turn my entire world upside down. It was the look that she'd fallen into over the years each and every time his name was brought up. Did she think it was _Edward_? Did Bella know something we didn't? I opened my mouth to say something to her but slammed it shut quickly.

Another gurgling howl bellowed into the night followed by a small yelp. I no longer had time to worry whether or not Bella…knew something. After all, that could have been her reason for returning. She could have been blowing smoke up my ass this entire time. My chest was tight. Breathing seemed impossible, but I had to do it nonetheless. I sucked in a mouthful of air and turned round shoving my worries about Bella to the back of my mind.

Paul, Quil, and Jared were already heading to the front of the house. All of them, de-clothing themselves before I could even turn my attention from Bells. I suppose she was a weakness to our tribe, to the pack, to me. I wanted to think that she wasn't, but I wasn't the only one who knew how much she stayed on my mind. She distracted me. Always.

She would always be on my one weakness.

I felt myself running to catch up with the rest of the pack. I dodged their angry stares and untucked my under shirt from my jeans. I yanked both t-shirts over my head and glared at them. Running toward the tree line, I tossed the remainder of my clothes on the ground before anyone could even venture to say that I was avoiding pack duties due to my vampire obsessed gir… imprint.

Phasing always felt like the biggest relief. I suppose, it's like having a cigarette after eating a big meal, or having the most mind blowing orgasm you've ever felt. Either way, as my muscles rippled and formed into my wolf self, I felt a deep release. The images of the previous night blared through my mind in a quick second. The rest of the pack had phased just seconds after I had, and they all saw what I hadn't spoken of.

Yet, no one said anything. No one barked or growled. I suppose it was the fear of not hearing Sam or Embry or the fear that those thoughts could distract me from doing what I was made to do. I snarled my teeth and shoved my nose in the air. A thick, sweet, musky, dead smell ripped through my nostrils and burned down the back of my throat. I choked back the scent of the bloodsucker and shoved off in the direction of it.

Quil, Paul, and Jared were flanked behind me waiting for me to give them orders on what they should do. It wasn't something they could control. It's not like when I decided to give Sam the title of Alpha that I was handing him a baton and everyone automatically followed his orders. No it was much trickier than that. In fact, we basically had to trick their minds. Sam had to trick himself. He would express his order, and I would follow with a…comment, statement saying it the exact same way. Only, then, the pack would follow.

Right now, I wasn't about to let them fall behind like puppies. No. I would order them to find Sam and Embry. I would order them to follow and chase the scent until they either killed or ran off the leech. This was Quileute property. This was our tribe's land. No vampires aloud. Even without a treaty. Even without the Cullen's being in town.

_Paul. Quil. You guys find Embry and Sam. Then, if they're not injured, begin to follow the scent from their position. Jared and I will follow the scent from here._ I gave my orders with a quick thought and immediately Paul and Quil split from Jared and me.

_Time to kill some fucking bloodsuckers! Damn it's been a while. Fuck yeah. I'm ready. Let's do this!_ Jared's inner pep talk bled into my brain. I concentrated on the direction of the scent and pushed my paws into the dirt as hard as I could.

_Wonder who it is? I bet it's a Cullen. Fucking vegetarians. You can't stay a vegetarian. Everyone has their cravings._ Jared rambled on and on and on.

_Concentrate._ I breathed in a deep lung full of tainted air. The scent thickened as the wind picked up from the south._ It's thicker this way._

Jared and I followed the scent for a few miles to where it seemed to be the thickest. No leech. No Cullen's. Just the thick disgusting musky smell of them left behind.

_We're ok._ Embry's inner voice ran through my head. _Sam's a bit banged up. Nothing too bad. He'll heal before we get back to the bonfire._

_Emily won't know._ I quickly ordered the pack with a trick of my word.

_Thanks. _Sam thought quietly.

_Embry, are you injured?_ I asked. The scent of the vampire stick thick in the air.

_No. No. I'm ok. I lost my footing when one of them tried to jump on my back._ The pictures of the recent attack played through our minds as Embry rethought them.

_More than one?_ Jared asked rhetorically. _That light haired one. She looks familiar._

_It's that blonde Cullen. What's her name?_ Paul growled. He threw his thought toward me. I felt the inner growl in my chest expand and my jaw snarl.

_I don't know their names. _I bit back the resentment in my voice. Whatever comradeship Paul and I had before flushed itself down the S.S. Porcelain Seat. I couldn't blame him though. I was closer to the enemies than I wanted to be.

_Rosalie. _Quil's thought sparked a question in all of us. Images of Rosalie's stunning beauty flickered through our minds.

_How…_I started to ask, but was interrupted quickly.

_Bella._ He answered too quickly.

I couldn't help but feel a bit perplexed by his answer. When had Quil spoken with Bella about her beloved vampires? When had he been alone with her long enough to even think of asking about them? But, honestly, who was I kidding. Back in the day, no one had to bring them up in Bella's presence. When she was intoxicated by them, she would spew on and on about how amazing they were. And about how much Rosalie hated her.

Suppose there was a chance the second vampire was Rosalie. Would she come back here for revenge on Bella? I doubt Edward would have let her. He would have known way before she'd gotten anywhere. And that little pixie one. She would have seen what Rosalie was going to do before she did it, right?

_You may not know their names, but you know more than we do about them. _Sam spoke.

_Not by choice._ I expressed my dissatisfaction with a wrinkle of my nose. _I can't pick up anymore of the scent. It's still thick in this area, but it stops here. Like they disappeared._

_What's your location?_ Quil questioned.

I glanced around trying to give them some hint by the visions crossing their minds where exactly we were. Werewolf senses were very sensitive, and we could figure out where each other were within a mile's radius. Anything outside of that would be a little bit fuzzy. I looked deep into the wooded area behind me. Nothing. Just trees. No distinguishing marks.

I spun around and caught a glimpse of a house from the corner of my vision. Funny. It looked just like…No. It couldn't be. It was just a house that looked oddly similar. There were plenty of houses that looked like mine on the rez. No bloodsucker in their right mind would approach an Alpha's - acting or non-acting – house. The Cullen's knew better. If they were thirsty for something they'd had paraded in front of them for a year, then I don't guess it really mattered anymore.

_They stopped here. Or started here. Either one._ Pictures of what Jared saw glinted into my mind. It was the same scene I thought I had seen. The tiny red house with the red garage to the side. My old trusty Rabbit parked haphazardly in the mud. The swing swung eerily back and forth on the edge porch. A light filtered through the front door windows and left rectangles of light glowing on the wooden floor below it. I choked back a gag.

_Bella. I have to get back to Bella._ I turned on my hind legs and thrusted myself into the air. If those bloodsuckers had the balls to show up at my home, then they had the balls to try something at a rez wide bonfire. In midair, I glanced back to my home and felt my heart sink into myself. Would there ever be a time when Bella and I were honestly safe?

My body crashed into a thick, furry, hard surface. A growl erupted in my chest. My lips pulled back to bare my teeth. I would rip the throat out of whoever this was.

_No._ Sam stood tall and hovered above me. _You will not leave your duties here to protect one person. There is an entire reservation of people who need your protection. You will help them as well._

_You can't stop me. _I snarled.

_Maybe not by orders, but I can physically try. _Sam stamped his feet into the ground and snarled his teeth at me.

_Who do you think you are? Bella is my life. I can't live without her. _I yelled in my head.

_You think I don't know how you feel, Jacob? I have the love of my life back at the bonfire too. She's not invincible from bloodsuckers either. She's human just as Bella is. We both have to be strong for our imprints and our tribe. We can protect them all…together._

I stumbled on his words trying to find a bit of reason to express my need to be next to Bella. But nothing came. All I felt was the deep anxiety of losing her again. I couldn't lose her again, but Sam was right. I had more than her to protect. It shouldn't be just Bella who is important to me. All of my neighbors, friends, family, and even the people I didn't know deserved to be protected as well.

_Does Bell have contact with the Cullen's?_ Sam apprehensively asked.

_What? I…I don't…why does it matter?_ I didn't want to look like a fool, but it didn't matter. I already was one.

_If she has contact with the Cullen's, then we could meet with them to discuss the blonde one – Rosalie. That way we'll know what we're fighting._ That was Sam. Always on top of things – no matter what the situation involved. He looked out for everyone first. Himself last.

_I don't…_ I tried to think it. To say it even. But, I couldn't get it out. How could I have fallen so in love with this girl and not even thought to ask her if she was still in contact with my immortal enemy. Fool. Like I said.

_Why don't we make a visit to the Cullen home. See if there are any signs that Rosalie is back. Wouldn't that be the first place she'd go? Somewhere that felt like home. _Quil helped me dodge the question that was so hard for me to answer.

_She may or may not. If Bella is in contact with the Cullen's, then she may know more than what we have previously thought. _I couldn't help but feel the stabbing of Paul's words. How could I have put us all in danger like this?

_It doesn't hurt to check. _Sam's orders were passive – the only thing they could be. _Paul. Jared. Will you guys check the Cullen home and report back to the bonfire as quickly as possible?_

I reiterated his request with less…politeness. _Paul. Jared. Check the Cullen home. Come back to the bonfire. ASAP._ I didn't try to act like I wasn't Alpha. I did what was best for everyone else.

_Jacob and I will head back to the bonfire to protect the tribe. _Sam stated.

_Quil. Embry. Stay on look out here until I come out and relieve you. _I ordered shortly, pointedly, and aggressively.

_Don't worry, Jacob. We got this place covered. _Embry turned to face my house and sat on his haunches. _You can trust us with anything._

I didn't say or think anything. I just felt. Bad. Upset. Irritated. Outraged. Intrigued. Blessed. I felt a mountain of feelings all in one giant ball gauging at my stomach. Before I could began my self deprecation, Quil's thoughts ran through my mind with lightening speed.

_Jake. _That name was…too much. _Remember who you are. Remember who you love. Remember that we're all still human. We make mistakes. Sometimes small ones. Sometimes big ones. But, Bells, man, she loves you. You mean so much to her. Please. Try to understand if she's kept things from you. Just try. That's all I ask of you._

Quil's words ran a blaze through my mind the entire run back. I was glad Sam had put us through a boot camp of sorts. It was definitely needed. If the turn of events hadn't come…if Bella hadn't come back…then we could all be in a world of shit. The entire tribe was in full out danger. And who did they all have to thank? Me, Jacob Ephraim Black, the guy who was supposed to be chief someday. My grandfather's blood ran through my veins, but I did not have the mentality to be in charge of anything – let alone my life. How was I supposed to take care of all of this?

_You have us, Jacob. You have Bella. There are plenty of people that you have on your side. Hell, even your father is on your side. _Sam was tired of hearing all of my thoughts. I felt him on the verge of phasing. We must have been close to his home. I could smell the cooked meat and burning embers. I sighed inwardly and cringed.

I was going to have to confront Bella about this. I would have to…

_You have to, Jacob. For our safety. For your safety. And if no one else matters, then for her own safety. _With that final thought Sam phased back to human form. He parted the tall bushes in front of him and yanked a pair of jeans from them. I phased back and quickly changed before Sam had a chance to reach the tree line.

"Sam," I yelled hopping on one leg while yanking my jeans up the opposite leg.

He didn't say anything. He just turned around. His eyes cold, dark.

"If I could change it all, then I would," I quickly admitted.

Sam nodded his head. "I know, but we can't change what has happened. All you can do is strive for change in the future."

His words were always full of wisdom and honestly. If there was one thing Sam was, then it was honest. He didn't hold back. He didn't lie. Sam spoke truthfully. He parted the trees and bushes and made a bee line for Emily, who threw her arms around his neck and kissed him twice as many times as she needed to.

Emily and Sam's imprint was different than mine and Bella's. Maybe they were all different. Maybe it depended on the couple. Who knew, but when I parted the trees. I didn't see Bella. She wasn't sitting in front of the fire with a concerned look on her face. She didn't run to me out of fear or shame. Bella wasn't anywhere in my line of sight. Agony began to tear away at my stomach – flipping it and flopping it until I was sure to throw up. My heart raced in my chest at a pace that would kill a normal man. Where was my Bella?

My eyes lingered on every face that looked my way as I came around the corner of the house. None of them Bella's. I suppose this was bound to happen sooner or later. One day it would have been harder and scarier on her when I was at war with a group of vampires. And maybe one day I wouldn't come back from that war. That was…the deal breaker. It was too much for her to handle. And now was better than later. Later it would hurt more. She'd be in it far deeper than she was now. Now was better for her to leave.

"Jake," Bella's hushed tone reached my ears.

There in the shadows of Sam and Emily's back porch sat Bells. Her hands crossed over her lap. Her fingers twisted into the other. Tiny wrinkles furrowed between her brows. The corners of her lips drooped into a sad worried frown. I exhaled a breathe.

"Bells," my voice came out weak.

"I…I…" she whispered not taking her eyes off of her hands.

"You what?"

"I didn't think you would come back," her voice was strong all the way to the end, but it was deceptive. Her voice waivered on the next statement, "I…was so afraid of losing you."

I nearly ran the rest of the way to her kneeling in front of last step of the porch. I fisted a handful of her hair and squeezed tightly. Her scent lingered into me and tingles shot down my spine. For a second, I forgot about the questions I needed to ask. I forgot about the possible lies she'd fed me for nearly 4 years. My heart stuttered and slowed swiftly.

"C'mon. Let's head home. There are some things we need to discuss."

Her eyes lifted and a sad realization reflected in them. "It's a vampire, right?"

I didn't answer. All I could manage to do was nod my head and reach for her hand. I wanted to read more into her statement. But I couldn't. Bella knew a lot about the "mythical" creatures in this area. She knew there was only one thing that could hurt one of us. And she knew that there was only one thing that could hurt her precious beloved leeches.

And if I had to kill even her precious Cullen's to keep her safe, then I would. My pack would. Not because she was solely in danger. But because having even those vegetarian leeches around put my entire future in real jeopardy. Now, I couldn't have that could I?

* * *

**Note: **I am very sorry about the lack of updates. It's not that I have forgotten about this story (I could never do that!) or that I didn't want to update. I haven't had time. Honestly. Between college, homework, work, and life, I have hardly any time left for writing. But the spare time I do get, I use to write. I hope you guys like this chapter. I will definitely try to update more often, but I can't promise anything. Sometimes life just gets in the way of the things you want to do.

Anyway...I did edit the soundtrack again. I took a couple of songs off and added a couple too...I think. Anyway, thanks for the reviews of last chapter and thanks for sticking with me!!


	19. The Inevitable

**Warning & Note: Language. Adult Concepts. **New song added to the playlist. (Listened to it on repeat for this chapter…) OneRepublic – Say (All I Need). So, I've decided I need to advertise. Who else better to help than you guys? Only if you want to. Tell your friends! Oh and follow me on Twitter guys. I give hints, lyrics, and sometimes snipits! http://www(.)twitter(.)com/imaginaryheartx. There are also links to my Tumblr, LastFM, and LiveJournal accounts on my profile. Follow me there too. If not for anything besides pure unadulterated humor.

**Playlist: **http://www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/18784013067

**Confessions **(The Companion Piece): http://www(.)fanfiction(.)net/s/5708366/1/Confessions

"_And suddenly I become a part of your past  
I'm becoming the part that don't last  
I'm losing you and its effortless  
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground  
In the throw around  
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down"_

_The Fray – Over My Head (Cable Car)_

The keys clanked against the wooden coffee table when I slung them from my hand. Bella shuffled in behind me curious of my altered mood. Perhaps I was bipolar. I wouldn't doubt it after everything I'd been through. The door clicked shut as I stood in place. My hand openly dangled above the keys. Stiff bodied, I stood motionless debating the thoughts in my head as Bella moved around the house like it was her home – which it was.

Her frantically shaking hands grabbed the colorful throw lying across the couch and neatly folded it. She rested it on the arm and mingled her way to the disheveled desk. Papers, that no doubt were less important than this situation, laid carelessly on the desk before Bella got her hands on them. Carefully and strategically, she began separating them in to appropriate piles.

I watched every detailed move she made trying to read her mind, trying to understand one thought going through her head. But, I couldn't. Her eyebrows drew to the center as she studied the envelope in front of her face. She thought twice about opening it, and then tossed it on the other pile of unopened envelopes. For one second, I was curious as to what the piece of shit mail was. I snapped my attention back to her as she avoided the situation at all costs. This meant she knew something.

Goddamnit. Could I catch a break?

A piece of her bang flew up with the puff of air coming from her mouth. The corner of her lips drew to the side as she rested one envelope to the side and finished rummaging through the rest of papers on the desk. Her hand nestled on the envelope as she glanced up to me. Her eyes squinted quickly.

"Uh," she breathed through her lips and inhaled through them before she spoke again. "I'm not sure what to do with this."

I raised an eyebrow at her quixotically. "What is it?"

"I don't know. It's addressed to you. Feels kind of thick," as she spoke, she grabbed the envelope and squeezed.

I wanted to laugh. I did, but I couldn't get over my churning gut. "Well, what's the return address say?" I took a step toward the desk, but stopped in my tracks like I hit a brick wall. The putrid smell burned in my nostrils.

Bella puzzled over my sudden stop and reached the envelope toward me. "Doesn't have one."

Snapping it out of her hand, I flipped it over and over then brought it to my nose. It reeked of a bloodsucker. I swallowed sharply and tossed the envelope to the floor with a thud. Bella jumped up. Her eyes switched between me and the envelope. One rested on her stomach and the other clasped over her mouth.

"No, he wouldn't," she mumbled in shock. Her eyes were glued to the manila envelope.

Fire burned in my stomach. My lips wanted to rise into a snarl, but I pressed them together as hard as I could. Trembles radiated from my spine. I felt my skin quivering as a bubble of anger formed in the pit of my stomach. Swallowing thickly, I clenched my teeth together to prevent the growl from escaping my mouth. Bella heard it – though – as it rumbled deep in my chest so deep that I was sure my ribs rattled in harmony. My face twitched with anger as did my nostrils as the sweet putrid smell still burned in them. I stared at her intently – not able to speak for fear of bursting out of my own skin – begging her to elaborate.

But, she kept her eyes on the envelope. Her lips tinged with a pink blush and her eyes nearly dripping with tears already. "This wasn't supposed to happen." Her voice was barely above a whisper.

Bella began to pace back and forth – eyes intent on never leaving the envelope. She debated something in her head. Was it a debate over the truth or blowing more smoke up my ass? It was taking everything inside of me to not phase, but I was controlling it rather well. My heart was about to explode out of my chest. My breaths were labored as I watched her pace back and forth. Her hands animated her thoughts - going up to her mouth, to her hair, falling back to her sides, and flailing in the air.

I was too engulfed in my own feelings to even consider the beneficial side of imprinting in this situation. All I knew was the multitude of feelings exploding inside of me were about to explode out of me. I had to stand here. I couldn't move for fear of doing something completely and utterly irrational. But, my feelings didn't seem irrational in this situation. They were very much validated the second she realized the leeches smell was all over that envelope. So, why did I need to keep this in? I'd been keeping everything inside of me for two years. Even when we had our conversations – even when it was my turn to talk about me – I never really expressed my dissatisfaction with the fucking leeches she loved. I mean, did I really need to? Did Bella really need to hear me say it? They were my immortal enemies. Need I say more?

"I never…he wasn't supposed to…I told him I would…" her thoughts escaped her lips before she could think to stop them.

I jumped off of the ledge.

"Who?" I snapped my words in a deep rumble.

Her chocolate eyes grew twice their normal size and her face paled even more.

I laughed mockingly. "Like I need to ask that question!"

Bella dropped her eyes to the floor. She couldn't bare look at me. "Jake…"

"Stop fucking calling me that!"

Her limbs lay limp at her sides. A sigh flooded the room with silence.

I worked on breathing in and out. I still wasn't far from phasing. I wasn't far from losing every bit of sense I had left in my head.

"Will you try to understand?" Bella's voice squeaked above a whisper.

"Try to understand what, Bells?" I threw my arms out to my sides in frustrations. "What is there to understand, because I have no idea what is going on here."

"Me either," she whispered.

"Well, if you don't know what's going on then what is there for me to understand," I was nearly screaming at her. My voice radiated loudly in my chest.

"That's not what I meant…I mean, I don't know why he would send you that," Bella pointed to the envelope. Her tiny finger shook nervously. She set her jaw in place and breathed deeply steadying herself for whatever reaction I had to the statement she just made.

"_He?"_ The question gurgled out of the pit of my stomach. In frustration, I ran my hand up my face and ending with a tug of my hair. "As in _that_ fucking bloodsucker?"

"Well…" she clicked her tongue to the side of her jaw.

"Well…that's it? That's fucking it? Are you goddamned serious? Well. Fucking. Well. Goddamnit, Bella. Do you even know where your heart is? I mean is it with me or him?" Words escaped from my bleeding soul.

"Jacob," Bella sighed running her hand through her hair. She rested it there for a second and raised her eyebrows as her eyes flowed their stare into mine immediately asking me to calm myself, to speak to her like I respected her. But, fuck it. It didn't matter anymore. I'd had it with sharing her with some absent albino fucking dead bloodsucking queer. Screw it.

"Don't," I bit onto my tongue. "Just answer my fucking question."

"You know where my heart is."

"No, I know where your fucking soul is," bitterly, I spat those words. Harshly, my eyes ran up and down her body. With a glare, I turned around unable to even look at her out of pure and utter… fear.

"That's not fair!" Bella choked. Her feet took a few steps toward me. She took one more, but thought better of it and stepped back. I laughed. Did she think I would seriously hurt her?

"Are you serious? Why step back," I turned quickly taking a giant step forward. My nose almost touched the top of her head as I glowered down at her. "Do you honestly think I would fucking hurt you?"

"Wouldn't be the first time," she, now bitter, angrily stared up at me. Her eyes meeting mine in a fierce and daring stare.

"I've never…" I lurched downward speaking pointedly. "How dare you fucking accuse me of hurting you…" I laughed at the thought.

"You have hurt me, Jake, but you're too selfish to even think about how," tears trickled down her cheeks. She wiped them away quickly.

"And exactly how is that? How have I hurt you, Bella? With love…because that's all I ever did. That's all I've ever done is fucking love you," I growled deeply.

"Where's that love, Jacob? Where is it? You say you feel it. You say it's strong, but I don't see it. You don't show it – except physically," Bella broadened her shoulders as she made her point.

I cackled a laugh as my head titled back. "Seriously?"

She nodded her head.

"My love for you is everywhere, Bells. God damn. Is anything good enough for you? I bust my balls trying to make you happy. I hated myself for years because I made you leave…"

"How did you make me leave," Bella interrupted me.

I gaped my mouth ready to speak, but nothing came out.

"You let me leave," Bella sighed. She stepped around me and headed for the kitchen. "Just as I asked."

"And why was it you left, Bella?" I asked out of pure hate for myself. Let's just run me through the meat grinder again. Why the fuck not? I followed her toward the kitchen. She stood leaned against the front of the refrigerator with her arms crossed against her chest.

"I already told you. I needed to go, Jake."

"You _needed_ to go after that fucking leech. You needed to chase down those dreams first before you realize that I was what you really _needed_. Tell me, Bella, how well did that work out?"

Bella stared at me like I told her the square root of pi. Insulted by my statement she jutted her chin out toward the living room. "Is that who you think the mysterious envelope is from?"

"Who else could it be from?" I raised my eyebrow. "How many leeches have you fucked now, anyway?" That statement, even from my dark angry side, was a bit too harsh.

"Do you even have a fucking heart anymore?" Bella almost never cussed, but when she did, I knew to back off…just a little. Her eyes pierced mine. Pushing herself from the refrigerator, Bella stormed off toward the bedroom. I quickly followed her.

"No. I don't," I answered as calmly as I could.

"Then, how can you love someone without a heart?"

"Why don't you ask your beloved leech that? He doesn't have a heart," my voice agitated my already aching throat.

Bella stopped with her back to me. She turned her head to the side so that I could barely see the profile of her face. Chestnut locks of hair fell around her cheek framing her porcelain features. Even angry, she was strikingly beautiful.

"What do you need?"

What did I need? I needed to go back in time to stop her from leaving me or to leave with her. I should have gone with her. I wouldn't be this broken had I picked up everything and left when she asked me to, but I didn't. I was too selfish. I had too many things here. I had too much at stake to even worry about her feelings.

"Don't you see that nothing has or will turn out how you want it to?" Her sweet bell like voice flooded my brain with thoughts I didn't want to think. "You won't let go, Jake. You won't let me live down my mistakes. "

I couldn't let go. Let go meant moving forward. Forward was the future. The future scared the hell out of me because it was without her.

"I can't." I muttered taking another step forward. Her hair tickled my nose.

"You can," she turned to me.

"Not with you in contact with them, Bells. I can't…" my words stopped short in realization.

"With the Cullen's," her hand grasped on to my hip. She closed the space between us with a tug of my hip. I stumbled forward. Pain bled across my face. I knew what I had to do. I knew it was only right for the safety of my reservation, for the safety of my future – even if it didn't include her, my imprint, my soul mate. My chest burned and my face crumpled.

"Will you…would you…can you…" I was trying to ask her the only question that would save this fight – that would save us.

"Ask me," she whispered quietly, "whatever it is you need to ask."

"Stop." It was the only word that I could form coherently. There was a haze filling my head. A haze that I would have to get used to again, because I knew she wouldn't be able to do what I needed her to do.

"Stop…" Bella nodded her head asking me to go on, but I simply gazed at her face, memorizing her. She inhaled a sharp breath as it all suddenly hit her. "I can't…I mean…if I want to be with you, then I can't talk…associate with the…Cullen's?" She paled over. Her lips turned an odd shade of paste pink.

I nodded my head. She nodded hers, but it wasn't a nod telling me what I needed to know. It was a contemplation nod – a nod with a brewing forecast for heartbreak.

"Before you answer, let me ask you…do you think you know where the end is? I mean, with the Cullen's. How will it end Bella? Will you be one of them? Or will you be one with me? Is the end with me or them?"

My anger was covered with the soft hurt beating in my chest. I knew this was all for the best. She had another choice to make. Was I it?

Imprinting didn't matter at this point. This was by far more… important. My tribe counted on me. My family counted on me. My pack needed me. My reservation needed me. I needed myself.

I would fight the imprint if she chose the other path. I was strong enough. I would hurt. I would cry, but eventually, I'd heal. I'd let myself heal, because I'd let it all go knowing that I gave it my best shot. I'd let her go to protect my heritage, my soul, my blood. After all, it was more about them than me.

Bella's cheeks bled pink. Her eyes shifted between the thoughts in her head. They moved quickly, but not quick enough. My heart slowed and my breath hitched. I had to stop being that guy that held on to it all. I'd known this for a while.

"Do you think you can find it better than you've already had it?" I whispered touching her face with my palm. Her shoulders lifted in a shrug.

"I need to think, Jake," her tears dripped down her tender cheeks.

"I know," my thumb brushed against her bottom lip. "I have do to what is right for my tribe, my people, my blood. This isn't just about what I want. It's about their safety now. Their lives…mine doesn't matter anymore."

I thought I saw a twinkle in her eyes as she stared up at me.

"What do _you_ need, Jake?"

"Air to breathe. A pillow to rest my head. And you."

Bella put on her poker face. Her eyes glazed over with a distance that no one could reach. Her hands shook. Her heart beat loudly. My thumb moistened with her wet tears.

"I need you to make a decision, Bella." I coaxed her – hoping to God she would make a quick one and chose me _again_.

"I…I…" she stumbled.

She wasn't going to make a decision tonight. No matter how bad I wanted her to make a decision it wouldn't come nearly as quickly as I needed it to. Slowly, I felt her arms snake around my waist and her head tilt to my chest. My hand slid behind her neck – fingers interlocking in her chestnut locks. I bit back the tears forming and kissed her head.

"Bella," I spoke after a few moments of silence.

She lifted her head. Her eyes looked deep into my soul with a hope that I wouldn't say what I was about to say. I knew this had to be done. I knew I had to protect this tribe before I had to protect her, myself, or my pack. It was my rightful duty.

Bella's face dropped in sadness. She turned to grab her jacket from my bed.

"I…I can't be with you," I couldn't believe the words coming from my mouth, "until I know your decision."

"I understand," she whimpered making her way to the front door.

I stood there for a few minutes not believing the words that escaped my mouth, not understanding how it all seemed to unfold. How did I come to this decision? Was it anger, fear, or fate?

My feet moved quickly and I found myself at the driver side of her door in a flash. I slung it open with force and pressed my lips to hers.

"I love you, Bella Swan," my lips mumbled into hers.

"Don't make me choose, Jake," she whimpered pressing her forehead to mine as I left tiny kisses on her lips.

"I can't share you anymore, Bells. I want to share you with my world. I want to give you the entire world, but I can't do that in the shadow of Edward. I'm always here. Always."

I actually meant it that time. Really meant it.

"Jake, listen to me," she stopped my nagging kisses.

"Listening," I awkwardly mumbled while kissing her tenderly soft lips.

"Open it. "


	20. The Envelope

**Note & Warning: Language. **Alright, so I'm sorry for the horrible cliff hanger I left you guys with. Hopefully, this will make up for it. Anyway, since FF is being a little tempermental with 'M' ratings, I have switched this story over to the JacobBlack-N-Pack website. Located here:

(http://jacobblack-n-pack(.)ning(.)com/group/itoldyouso?xg_source=activity) … This is a full chapter, but future chapters will be only previews. I happen to like the customization and all that fun stuff of JBnP. Hope you guys will come visit me there!

_Taken all I could take and I cannot wait  
Were wasting to much time  
Being strong holding on  
Cant let it bring us down  
My life with you means everything  
So I won't give up that easily  
Daughtry - It's Not Over_

"Don't go. I've let you go so many times before, Bells. I've let you just walk out of my life like an idiot. I can't do that anymore. My heart," I patted my chest, "can't take you walking out again."

Her eyes nestled on my hand. She nibbled her lip and took a breath. Bella raised her shaking hand to meet mine. The shivering of her fingers vibrated against me. Her nervousness bled through my veins. The numbing pain, I felt. The left over regrets ran through my mind. With her skin in contact with mine, the bond between us was sharper and stronger.

My vision blurred with tears. "Bella, I know I've messed up a lot in the past." Her eyebrow arched at me. I smirked. "And now." I obliged. She nodded. "I'm begging you to please stay. Choose me. This," I patted my chest with both of our hands over my heart, "us."

"Jake," she exhaled. Her shoulders slumped. "I can't…it's a lot to ask. Letting them go. Forever. Always."

"But, you'll get a forever, an always – with me, Bells. Your best friend."

Suddenly, I felt self conscious. I felt like I was about to lose everything all over again when I had just began to re-earn it. I wasn't sure how one human being could make or break the world I lived in, but she did. Bella was my world. Fucked up asshole or not, I was trying. I was trying to earn my way back to her. I was trying to forgive myself for letting her go so many times before.

I suppose that's why I wasn't too ashamed to beg her now. My tail was between my legs. I was a wounded dog. I was a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I was all of that, and all I needed was her next to me. All I wanted was a foot away.

Was it just me or did I soften over night? Did imprinting do that?

It wasn't imprinting. I was tired of being the constant dick. My life up until now was nothing more than a way to relieve the heaviness I felt bearing down on my shoulders. The weight of the tribe sat on top of me asking me to do things that I simply couldn't do. But, those things were more important than anything I'd ever need or want. Being in charge of everyone's safety on the reservation was a heavy burden to swallow. Somehow, the girl I loved was intertwined with the one thing I could have nothing to do with, and she damn near refused to let them go. How could I make her safe and protect my reservation all at the same time?

It wasn't possible. Protection for my tribe meant steering clear of any threats. So, now, Bella wasn't just a threat to my heart. She was a threat to my tribe's survival. That threat was greater than any bond Bella and I could share. So, it was with that thought in my soul that I asked her to choose me over them. I knew what I was getting myself into. Asking her to choose me was like asking Paul to be on his best behavior. No matter how hard he tried, he'd always end up retorting back to his same old bad attitude.

Paul's attitude wasn't necessarily bad, though. Deep down, he had a heart. He was a good guy, but he'd been dealt a tough hand at such a young age. Being inside of his head for the past 4 or 5 years helped the pack realize his ways were only to protect himself. Paul's sob story was one of the toughest I've heard. Sure, I had a pretty rough childhood having to deal with my mother's death and not exactly always having the funds to get what I needed. But, Paul…his life was by far more fucked up than most people's out there.

In a way, asking Bella to choose me was and actually figuring she would choose me was like playing Russian roulette. Just like with Paul, you never knew exactly when he'd blow. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or 3 years from now, but eventually she would choose them over me. She would choose their way of life before she would choose this life. This life…our life…the way things should have been would never be good enough for her. Even I saw that. Bella deserved so much more than a life tied down to a reservation.

That was all I could offer her. Would it always be that way?

I would always want more for her. Nothing I would ever be able to offer her would be good enough in my book. Sure, sure, she had basically told me these same thoughts the day she broke up with me. But, you see, I have to do things the hard way. I have to experience it myself. I have to figure it out. Billy used to laugh at me when I was a kid because of just that. No matter how many times he told me not to stick my finger in the light socket, I would do it. And no matter how many times my mom told me that the mud pies Bella made me weren't really pies, I tasted them with a hope that some sort of magic had happened and that they were really pies.

That magic never came, though, and I was left with eating dirt. I could use some magic right now. I could use the whole imprinting scenario to prove to her that we were indeed meant for each other, but she knew that. Bella wasn't stupid. It's not that I ever thought that. She was simply stubborn and more like me than I realized. She had to do this on her own. Bella had to figure it out.

When she did, I know I'll be standing here with a smile on my face and my arms spread wide.

A soft huff brought my attention back to her. Her hand still rested on top of mine, which rested across my heart. I closed my fist – claiming her fingers in my palm. Slowly, her hand reached my lips and I left a soft subtle kiss on her knuckles.

Begging her to stay wasn't getting me anywhere. All it was doing was making me look like a pussy. It was pressuring Bella into a making quick decision.

"Sorry for begging," the apology came out more like a statement of fact. It was bitterly short. My jaw twitched in place.

"No," she pulled her hand from mine and rested it on her lap. "It's ok."

An invisible wall formed between us causing an awkward unwelcoming thick air to linger. I shuffled my feet back and forth needing desperately to apologize for my lack of explanation. Never would I have thought Bella and I would be awkward around each other again. Things seemed to be working in reverse. The next step back would be becoming friends again. I would not be able to be her friend. Not after this. Even as my imprint, Bella Swan would always be more than just a friend or soul mate. She was the love of my life. The love that I'd fight the world for.

"Look," I stumbled on my words as they came out. "Bells, I…it's not…this isn't a decision that I want to make, but…you coming back, changed so much. It was the wake-up call I needed. My life after you left and before you came back was…is….nothing to be proud of. There were so many girls, and I fucked up night after night."

My brain caught up with what I was saying which caused an abrupt stop in my rambling words. This was the first time I was telling her, from my own mouth, what had happened. She didn't need details, but I had been meaning to explain all of this to her. I just didn't have the balls to do it until now. What it was about this awkward moment that made me spill my guts I wasn't sure of. But, I went with the flow.

A pained expression spread across her face. Her eyebrows were taught across her forehead and her lips formed a straight line. She gently chewed on her lower lip as her eyes stared at the rocks beneath my feet. I took a breath and held it.

I searched her face with my eyes for some sort of reassurance or understanding that what I had gone through was more than I would have ever been able to handle. I'd handled it the best way I knew how. Or better yet, I hadn't handled it at all.

"Bella, I didn't handle what happened between us. Hooking up with random girls, becoming this other person, drinking…all of it was to," I exhaled, "try to forget."

That statement didn't go over so well. Bella paled over except for her cheeks. They turned a deep shade of crimson. Her eyes still focused on the ground, but I desperately needed to look into them. I needed her to see that I wasn't trying to hurt her. I just needed her to understand. I wanted her to understand. I didn't want any secrets between us.

I bent my knees and crouched in front of her. My eyes reached hers in a desperate truth. They tried to explain to her what my words weren't saying. They spoke the words I couldn't let fall from my lips. But, her wall was set. The damage was done. She'd been let in on my little secret, and I was about to be let in on hers. Bella's eyes darted to the left and to the right. With a loud sigh, she finally looked deep into my eyes. And it was like something magically locked our eyes together.

I was lost in the sea of her. Feeling everything she was. Hearing the words I'd just said with fresh ears. I felt the disgust and the fear bubbling inside of her. The shame and desperation to keep from grabbing me and agreeing to everything I asked burrowed out of her heart. She wasn't trying to avoid making a decision. She was only trying to make the right one.

With all that I knew from looking into her eyes, I hope she had felt or heard or saw whatever it was she needed to so that she could understand me just a little bit better.

I felt the need to clear up one little detail before she left. "I never stopped loving you though."

Even though we had this conversation before, the words seemed to mean more in this moment. They were more meaningful and said not out of shock, but truth.

Bella tried to disagree with me, but she couldn't. Those words were nearly boiling over in my chest. She had to feel what I felt. She had to know the extent of my love for her. She had to know that I was doing all of this for her. I was fighting for her life.

Until her last breath; until her last heart beat, I would fight for her. Always.

The paleness flooded from her face and a soft peace fell into its place. I suppose, there were benefits to imprinting. I may not have liked it or agreed with it, but imprinting wasn't turning out so bad. It's not that I had beef with imprinting on Bella. It wasn't that. It was more so the lack of choice. But, still, imprinting had its benefits and I was definitely thankful for that.

"I love you," her lips parted and those words came out clear and confident.

"I love you," a smile shifted through my lips. I stood and kissed her gently.

Bella turned the ignition causing the truck's motor to roar to life. I closed her door and rested my elbows on the rolled down window seal. I still didn't want her to go.

"I hate that we're always saying goodbye," Bella's words seemed like more of an apology than a statement.

"Me too." I chewed on the inside of my jaw. Inwardly, I fought with myself struggling to not beg her to stay.

"Will you try to have an open mind," Bella requested of me once more.

I'd messed up so many times before that I didn't really have any other options. If I didn't try to have an open mind, then I was sure she'd choose them.

"Sure," I nodded and backed away.

"I'll call," Bella raised an eyebrow at me. It was her failed attempt to scold me for the last time she'd left and my lack of communication.

"I'll answer," I smiled the goofy cheeky smile she loved so much and waved a quick goodbye to her.

Once back inside, I flopped on the couch with the large manila envelope in hand. The envelope was thick and hard, but flimsy. The putrid smell floated up to my nose. I almost gagged in repulsion. I wasn't as repulsed with the smell as I was the idea of what was sitting in that envelope. My stomach was knotted up in anticipation of finding out what could be the worst news of my life. I flipped it over and jammed my finger under the edge of the flap.

If I was going to do this, then it would be fast and quick like taking off a bandage. Nerves rumbled inside of me. They surfaced with a slight jolt of fear on my quivering skin. Though, the quivering wasn't because I was about to phase. I was nervous, scared. What could be so important that some leech would mail me this thick stuffed full envelope? Whatever it was, it couldn't be a good thing.

The most worrisome part was that Bella didn't give any inclinations at to what this actually was. So, I racked my brain for some sort of clue she could have dropped before. I remembered that she said she was a writer, but that's all she really said. She'd spent a lot of time the week she was here writing on her laptop, but after that I didn't really know. We'd only reconnected yesterday. The truth was we didn't really spend that time talking like we should have.

I flexed my jaw muscles and grinded my teeth together. Well, there was no time like the present to find out what this secret was that had to be mailed to me from my immortal enemy. Scrunching my nose up in disgust from the smell, I yanked the thick pages from the envelope and threw it on to the couch. One piece of paper was loose and the rest seemed to have the left edge of the pages glued together. I lifted the single sheet of paper from the top of the stack of paper and looked over the first page.

I Told You So

Written by: I. Black

My eyes drew together and I squinted trying to figure out what the hell this was. I laid the piece of paper next to me and flipped the unglued edges. Trying to understand this book in my hands, I continued to flip through the pages skimming over them quickly. Each page was covered in a typed manuscript, but here and there were scribbles in bright blue ink. And on a few pages there were highlighted sections with notes scribbled off to the side. My eyes settled on the perfect handwriting next to a thick section of highlighted text.

_My, Bella, how much insight you have. There are only so many words that can describe the way one person can feel about another, and I have never heard it said any better. Beautiful! Absolutely, beautiful!_

A growl rumbled in my throat. Fucking Edward was complimenting her on how she described whatever these feelings were. Of course, he would compliment her! He was just trying to get in good with her, and before I knew it, Edward would have his icy cold stone like fingers wrapped around her heart again. My lip curled into a snarl. It wouldn't be for long though. I'd rip his fucking heart out and show it to him.

But, something bugged me. I flipped to the front page, the cover page, and read the title and author again. "_I. Black_," I mumbled running my fingers over the typed lettering.. I had a feeling what it was about. I just didn't know why she wanted me to read it.

In frustration with the entire situation, I rolled my eyes picking up the single piece of paper lying next to me. Whatever this story was about, Edward felt the need to make sure I knew he was the one to send it to me. The thought made my stomach tumble in on itself. Why the fuck was I going to read this? Would it make a difference?

This story was just going to rip my ghost like heart from my chest and hurl it at the wall. As if my heart could take another round with Edward and Bella. After all, she'd left here in chase of him, right? In chase of those dreams she desperately needed fulfilled. Those same dreams were the dreams that I frantically and naively tried to make come true in the short year or so we were together. But, no matter how many times I tried, it just wasn't good enough. I always fucked things up, and here I was about to read something she'd written about me, presumably, and for what? A reward that she would just walk out on again?

My body shivered with anger. Just thinking about all the bullshit, all the drama, I'd been forced through these past years made me want to take this piece of shit book, novel, manuscript, whatever and throw it in the fire. But, I couldn't do it. I couldn't destroy a part of Bella. That's what this was. As much as I wanted to try to make it about me, it wasn't. This was Bella's way of remembering. This was Bella's feelings, thoughts, and inner secrets.

That hooked me. Tossing the single sheet of paper aside (Edward could wait), I flipped open the cover to the dedication.

_To the "man" who owns my heart, my love. I will never forget you. My soul is yours._

_Bells_

I swallowed thickly feeling like an ass. So, she'd dedicated the book to me. This was her dedication to the comfortable love we shared. A goofy smile spread across my lips and for a small moment, I felt victorious against Edward. He had to read this dedication. I wanted to jump off of the couch and jump around like an 8 year old would when he finally won a game of checkers against his dad.

With a new found urgency, I flipped to the first page of the book. Remembering Bella's words, I allowed myself to be sucked into her writing with a complete and open mind. Trying to do the right thing proved to be tough in this situation though, because for the first ten chapters, Bella spouted about her love for Edward and how no one would ever change that love she held so deeply for him. I found myself rolling my eyes and holding my breath in anticipation of her next words. As disgusted as I was with the thought of reading about her undying love for Edward, I couldn't rip my eyes from these words.

Bella was an amazing writer. The way her words flowed and the descriptions she gave of each feeling she'd succumbed to with Edward were so beautifully written that I could almost feel the same thing. I laughed at that thought. Me, Jacob Black, immortal enemy of Edward Cullen, feeling the love Bella shared for him. Fan-fucking-tastic.

A part of me was antsy inside. My insides shuddered and crawled with anticipation as I waited to read about me. Sure, I was already introduced as the awkward teenage boy best friend a few chapters ago, but nothing more than that.

It was when I'd reached the part about their break-up that I felt myself being tugged to close my eyes for just a few minutes. My head fell back resting on the top of the couch and I closed my eyes without so much as a blink. I breathed out a deep sigh with a final understanding that the love Bella had for Edward was never going to go anywhere. I thought I had accepted that a long time ago, but apparently, I had been wrong. It was tough reading so much into their relationship from my standing. Here I was, four years after their break-up, still anticipating her love to be projected onto me. My breath caught. Would it always be this way? Me pinning over her. Her never being truly honest with me about the Cullens. I wasn't so sure how all of that would work, but fuck if I didn't still feel my heart lurching toward the phone to call her – to tell her that I was reading it – and hopefully to yank some answers out of her about me.

With closed eyes, I reached my arm across the couch to the end table and snagged the phone up in my hand. Blindly, I dialed her number by heart and waited patiently for her to answer. Only, the voice on the other line hadn't exactly been the sweet, tender voice of my soul mate. No, it was the groggy irritated voice of my father. Fuck.

"Who is this," Billy spat.

"Uhh..hi," I paused, "Dad, it's me, Jacob. Your _son_." I felt the need to piss him off just for the simple fact that he'd pissed me off yesterday.

"Jacob," he sighed. He was sorry. His apology melted into the sound of my name. "About yesterday…"

"Uh. Right. Listen," I interrupted him trying to make this as short and sweet as possible, so that I could get Bells on the phone. "It's cool. Don't apologize."

"A-alright," Billy muttered. "I'll go get Bella."

"Great, thanks."

"I heard through the grape vine that you, finally, found _someone_," Billy accented 'someone' like he had to hide the word 'imprint' from the entire world. I rolled my eyes in aggravation. I hated making small talk – let alone talking like this over the phone with my dad.

"Oh, right," I nodded knowing that yesterday was probably more about him being disappointed in my lack of communication with him and less about Bella in general. "It's Bella." I felt the need to keep it short and to the point.

"Oh, well, here she is," Billy chirped like some fucking love bird. I laughed into the phone.

"Hello," her bell like voice rang pleasantly in my ears.

"Hi," I smiled like she could see me.

"Jake," she asked.

"Do you have other men calling your house all hours of the night?" I tried to make a joke of it, but she only laughed nervously. I suppose the nervousness in her voice could be from the eagerness she held about the book.

"So…" she edged me on trying to get me to give her some small hint that I had even opened the envelope.

"So…" I mocked her tone.

"Jake," she squealed, "did you read it or not?"

Bella almost sounded agitated. I laughed whole heartedly.

"I am…" I breathed "reading it."

"And?"

"It's ok," I sat up and laid the book on the coffee table in front of me. "I mean, your writing is amazing. I'm just not too fond of knowing the ins and outs of your feelings for that leech."

"So, you haven't finished it?"

"No," I replied quietly. I glanced down at the pages of the book noticing the handwriting for the second time this evening. It sickened me that everything about leeches was damn near perfect. You know, except for that tiny fact that they were fucking leeches.

"Where are you," I could imagine her picking her fingers in worry.

"At home," I replied puzzled at her question.

"No," she laughed. I heard a scrunching sound and could only imagine it was her situating herself in her bed. "In the book."

"Oh , right, " I answered densely. "Chapter eleven, I think. You and Edward just broke up."

"Right, right. Keep reading. I promise, from here on out you'll like it. Just remember to…keep an open mind."

The line went silent and I tried to swallow what she was trying to say. There had to be something there I didn't know about. Something that was going to knock me on my ass and prove to me that she either a) loved me more than I ever realized or b) loved him more. I cringed at the thought of her loving him more than me. God, that was the toughest thing to understand, to get past. I would always finish in second place. Always.

"Jake," she whispered quietly into the phone. Her voice rippling in sleep.

"Yeah," I matched her tone.

"I'm glad you called," her words spread into a smile across my face.

"Me too."

"It isn't all bad you know," she mumbled. Sleep was at her fingertips.

"What isn't all bad," I asked quixotically.

"Us," her voice slid into a deep whisper.

"I know. Good night, babe," I almost kissed the phone receiver like some puts.

"Goodnight, Jake. I love you," her words were like breathless dreams.

"Love you too." I hung up the phone.

I was turning into a fucking pussy, again. What the fuck? Wasn't that what I was trying to avoid at all costs?

The rustling outside jerked my attention away from any reasons I could come up with to turn back into a giant dick. I jumped up and stalked toward my door. Quil was buttoning his jean shorts as he stepped onto my porch.

"Oh, hey man!"

"Fuck, Quil. Give me a heart attack next time," I rolled my eyes turning back and heading to my spot on the couch.

"Sorry. Where's Bella," Quil strode in behind me.

"Uh," I grabbed the manila envelope from the couch and tossed it onto the book on the table successfully covering any evidence he might get his hands on. "She left."

"Damnit, Jake," Quil slammed his fist into the door. With that quick punch, my solid oak door caved and cracked under the force of his fist.

"Damnit, Quil. Does it look like I have the fucking funds to just fix a door like that?" I jerked up off the couch and trotted over to examine the door.

"You don't have the fucking balls to keep the one thing that belongs to you, so how do I know if you have the funds to buy a door?"

I'd never heard Quil so pissed off at me before.

"What the hell are you talking about," I raised an eyebrow at him as he grumbled his way across my living room floor and flopped onto the leather chair.

"Bella! Damnit, Jacob. She's your fucking imprint and you just let her leave again? What the fuck, man? I guess all the bull shit is just going to go back to the way it was. And here I thought you might have actually changed. I mean last night, you guys were…you know. And then today, she's gone. What the hell did you do, Jacob? Are you an idiot? You don't let girls like Bella just walk away…" he would keep going until I stopped him.

"I just got off of the phone with her. She's at Charlie's," I gawked at his girl like rant.

"Why the fuck is she at Charlie's?"

"What? I thought that was what I was supposed to do. Fuckin' A Quil. Vampires are running around my house and all because of Bella. But this time I'm the one who fucked up by asking her to leave," I was nearly screaming and throwing my hands in the air out of anger.

"Jacob, you're the only one who had a huge fucking problem with her and those leeches. The rest of us know that's part of the package. Why don't you," he jumped up and yelled toward me flailing his arms.

"Why does it matter to you so much? God damnit, ever since she's been back all you've done is ride my back like some fucking cunt about her. What's your deal man?" I stood up and faced him. I puffed my chest out in anger and took a step forward.

"The deal? Damnit, Black. The deal is we all have seen the difference in you since she's been back. Yeah, so it's been three weeks or whatever. Big fucking deal. You guys have been together for how long? What the fuck man…she's only going to let you fuck it up so many times before that's it and she's gone," Quil stepped toward me this time. His skin starting to ripple with anger.

And he was right. There were only so many times I could fuck it all up before she'd turn and walk away for good. I'd been on my second strike. One more was left. So, I was chancing striking out with everything that had been happening. What the hell was I supposed to do? My brain felt like mush. My heart stabbed with pain. And god damnit, I was tired of fucking hurting. All I wanted was Bella Swan to be mine without some memory of those fucking leeches. Realistically, that would never happen and it hurt to know that. It hurt so fucking bad. I would always be compared to that god damned blood sucker. Son of a fucking bitch.

I slumped down onto the couch and held my head in my hands. Shaking it and trying to keep myself from exploding inside, I kicked the coffee table. The snapping of wood and crashing of the items on top of the table brought my head slinging up looking for the book she'd written for me.

Quil was standing next to me within seconds and patted me on the shoulder. "Dude, I'm sorry. I just get tired of watching you get all fucked up. What's wrong with you?"

"Bella. She's what's wrong and right with me, Quil. You know that. Fuck. God damnit." I scrambled out of my seat to grab the open book on the floor. Just as my fingers were touching the paper, Quil's hand gripped the book and snatched it up off the floor.

"What's this," Quil read through the pages. "Whoa. Jacob, man…"

"I know," I mumbled shaking my head.

"Did Bella…"

"Yes."

"Man…" he flipped further into the book and started to read.

_The black hole in my chest no longer existed; instead it burned with a fire, a desperation for my best friend. I longed for him to love me, to want me. That realization scared me to pieces. The only person I'd ever loved before dropped me so easily. I would never be able to withstand that type of pain again. But, with Jacob, it was different. I trusted him. I didn't feel like he was too good for me. Jake and I fit together like two puzzle pieces in the world's puzzle. _

_Admitting to Jacob that I was head over heels in love with him would be by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Would he laugh at me? Would he think I loved him solely because Edward had left me? I had questions that needed answers. There was no way to get those answers without asking those questions. And to ask those questions, I would have to tell him my feelings. _

Quickly, I jerked the book out of his hands and read the words with my own eyes like what Quil was reading was something he'd just made up on the spot. He'd lost my place. He'd flipped past the pages of the gooey Edward love fest. He'd skimmed past the beginning of my demise of being stuck in the friend zone to the most important part of the story…our story. This was the part that I needed to read. The part that I so desperately needed to know, because let's face it, I was a fucking pussy for her all over again. And it would be that way for the rest of my life.


	21. Time

Note: So, after a really bad bout with writer's block, and having no time to write, I've actually gotten the next part out to you guys. I hope you all like it and I hope that it starts to clear some things up for you all. This wasn't the direction I first wanted to take this chapter, but they deserve a little TIME and happiness for shit hits the fan.

Also, come check me out at JacobBlack-N-Pack. My updates are going to be primarily there from here on out. Here's the link:

(http://jacobblack-n-pack(.)ning(.)com/group/itoldyouso?xg_source=activity)

_I am outside  
And I've been waiting for the sun  
With my wide eyes  
I've seen worlds that don't belong  
My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize  
Tell me why we live like this  
Keep me safe inside  
Your arms like towers  
Tower over me_

_Paramore - We Are Broken_

Bella's novel displayed words that I almost couldn't comprehend. The thrumming in my chest and the ball of nerves in my stomach made it damn near impossible to concentrate. I read as much I could though. With Quil there, I read aloud hoping to God that nothing embarrassing was written and not really caring if there was. These words – they were a jumbled up mess in my head. I couldn't get the thoughts, ideas, feelings in order. It all just clashed and cluttered my head.

It didn't make sense. When I thought we were nothing more than friends, she had felt more than that. She'd fallen in love with me long before I knew how deep my feelings really ran for her. And here I was thinking all this time that it was a lop sided relationship – that my feelings for her were stronger than anything she'd ever felt for me. I was wrong. It was hard to admit that, but by the look on Quil's face, he knew it long before I ever assumed anything between Bella and me could head toward a relationship. His smirked lip agitated me.

"Why the fuck are you smirking like you knew this all along?"

"Because I did," Quil's eyes darted to the floor. He cleared his throat nervously sitting his feet firmly on the floor. He took his concerned stance – his elbows on his knees, his head hung low between his shoulders.

"How?" I was confused. So, fucking confused, that he could have told me a whispering elephant told him and I would have believed it.

"I think you should keep reading. It's probably in there," Quil straightened his spine out.

"Keep reading? You tell me you knew all along and I'm supposed to just read? Are you fucking losing your mind? You're going to tell me whether you like it or not," my voice wavered loudly with anger and uncertainty.

"I'll give you the run down, but I'm not telling you everything. You need to read it for yourself," Quil's pointed words stabbed into me like the daggers they were. Who did he think he was? And why the hell was I so angry about this?

In an effort to calm myself down a bit, I cleared my throat offering Quil and I a few seconds to compose ourselves. The anger residing inside of me wasn't an anger you harbored for a friend. This anger was composed mostly of jealousy and mistrust. He should have told me back then. It could have changed things. It would have changed everything.

"Well?" I tossed the book on the splintered coffee table and quirked my eyes at Quil.

"Well, Bella talked to me about you when you weren't around."

"That's it? That's the big secret," my voice hissed with disbelief.

"No," he shifted in the leather chair. "Before you guys started dating. Hell, I think it was right before you phased for the first time, Bella came looking for you in the garage. I think Billy was chewing your ass for coming in late the night before, and well, Bella and I started talking. I think she came over to tell you that she liked you more than a friend. I don't know, but she just kinda told me how she felt. I told her to tell you. I did, but I didn't want to tell her how you felt. I mean...that was your position. That's why I never told you anything," Quil stopped satisfied with his answer.

"So, before I phased, before the world was fucked up with mythical creatures and my immortal enemies, you knew Bella liked me," I needed clarification.

"Actually, she used the word 'love'."

"What kind of fucking friend are you? What the hell, man?"

"Jake, cool down. Why are you so pissed off about this? I mean you won, right? You got the girl." Quil's words stung in my chest.

"No. I _had_ the girl." 'Had' slithered out of my throat with a constricting vibration.

"You're not listening. You still have her."

"Did she tell you that," I raised my eyebrow with the question. I observed his response to my question. He didn't fidget. He didn't budge. He actually looked like he was about to fall asleep.

"No, she doesn't need to. Jacob, everyone knows that she's already picked you. She just has to tell herself that," Quil's voice lowered and he rubbed his head into my chair.

It wasn't too long after I started reading again that Quil's snoring tore my attention from the book to the clock on the wall.

4:15 a.m.

My eyelids were heavy and my brain mush. Physically, my muscles ached from sitting in the same position for hours reading about things I honestly had no clue about. To say I was intrigued by Bella's story was underestimating her writing skills. She was a wonderful writer. I suppose that's part of the reason I couldn't stop reading, but I needed to. I needed to rest just in case those leeches came back. Besides, Sam had me on midnight shift through the rest of the week. I'd be patrolling the south side and Quil would be patrolling the north side every night until we were sure the leeches weren't returning.

Taking the manuscript with me, I headed to my room to relax and hopefully fall into a much needed sleep. I read through a few more pages until the perfect blue calligraphy distracted me long enough to read what it said.

_It is rather interesting to read about how deep the feelings for both of these men flow. I suppose, now, looking back on the things that had happened, I can understand Edward's need to not change you. Though, I do feel it was a choice you had to make, I think it was the right one._

Squeezing my eyes shut and shaking my head didn't help the confusion from returning to my brain. All along I had thought this to be Edward speaking to Bella. Edward complementing Bella on her skills as a writer, but it wasn't. It was a different leech; a different Cullen, but which one?

I re-read his comment again trying to figure out which one it was. But, I didn't know all of their names. I didn't know much about any of them. There was little information to offer a definitive opinion. This could have been from any of them, yet here I was trying to pin point it all to Edward. Edward hadn't anything to do with this novel. And as far as I knew, he hadn't had contact with Bella since he left her 4 years ago.

Quickly, I scrambled out of the bed and dashed toward the living room. Jumping over the back of the couch, I landed with a loud crunch, but whatever damage I'd done to the sofa or the floor or whatever else was nothing compared to the amount of damage I was doing to Bella by insisting that she was still in contact with Edward. My hands glided over the coffee table flipping open magazines, turning over empty cans, and tossing Quil's legs off the edge. But it wasn't here.

It must have fallen under the couch when I'd kicked the table. I crouched down looking under the couch for one sheet of paper that would tell me just who this book was from. My hands reached as far back as they could and swept under every inch of the sofa, but it wasn't there. My head fell to the floor. Where the fuck was it? It wasn't like it could just grow legs and walk off.

"Check under the coffee table," Quil's groggy voice mumbled.

"What?"

"Under the coffee table. I think that's where it is."

Flipping my head quickly, the white piece of paper glowed under the coffee table like a brand new shiny toy on your birthday. My hand darted under the table and snatched the paper. I yanked my arm back and stood up giving Quil a menacing look.

"Do you know everything?" I scoffed.

"Hm." He smirked with the thought. "Yeah."

With a roll of my eyes, I was out of the room. Once the door to my bedroom closed behind me, I flipped open the sheet of paper and noticed the same blue calligraphy handwriting that seemed unnecessarily perfect. The note was addressed to me. Not really caring what the rest of it said, my eyes drabbled down the note until it came to the closing statement: 'Sincerely, Carlisle Cullen'

I bitched at myself. All of this worry that this was some ploy by the asshole Edward Cullen to win Bella back was needless. This, after all, wasn't sent by him, but by his father for all intensive purposes. Had Edward known about this? Had he spoken to Bella? Had he watched us together? Had he been eerily sneaking through the reservation watching us interact?

Maybe I should just read the note. Hopefully, it would offer a peace of mind and some answers to my questions. So, without giving myself time to rethink it, I started at the beginning and read as quickly and open mindedly as I could.

_Jacob,_

_I am sending this manuscript to you, though Bella has promised me that she would give it to you herself, with a hopeful unbeating heart that you will find an understanding within yourself and within Bella. She has been through so much and is such an old soul – a soul that no doubt belongs to you. Though you are my immortal enemy, I am sharing this with you because of a love that we already share: Bella. She is still like a daughter to me. I will forever see her in that light. Through Edward's mistakes, we've all come to suffer a pain we'd long forgotten: loss. _

_I'm not sure how much Bella has told you about my family and myself nor am I sure how much she's told you about the years she's been away from you. It isn't my place to offer you condolences or offer you information that she holds near and dear to her heart. What is in my place to do is let you know that I didn't want Bella to suffer the same mistakes as Edward. So, when I approached her six months ago asking her to write this, all of my intentions were to bring her back to you. _

_You may not believe me. After all, we are immortal enemies, but as you know my family is not like the others of our kind. We have humanity and we participate as humans not as an animalistic creature with no regard for human life. _

_You will always be her choice, Jacob. It doesn't matter if it is the first choice or second choice, just her choice. She chose to stay with you, to become a part of your life, and now, she has chosen to be with you once more – to offer her soul to you as a peace offering. _

_Please give this novel a chance – though some of it may not be easy to read. The bond you two share is nothing more than a miracle. I have not seen a love like this since I created my wife. Love to my family is the first and foremost thing on our mind._

_Sincerely,_

_Carlisle Cullen_

_* * * _

Patrolling the south side of the reservation was a welcomed burden tonight. I needed time to absorb the words Carlisle had written. There was something inside of me that begged me to continue reading the novel and try to have enough heart left to understand the reason behind me reading her book, but I didn't have it in me. After snatching the book out of Quil's hand and seeing the words in black and white with my own two eyes, my body, mind, soul, they couldn't take anymore. So much had happened in such little time that I was about to lose my mind - if I hadn't already.

The past few weeks had been the hardest. Everything, practically, fell into my lap. I had no idea what to do with it all. So many nights had I dreamed that Bella would come rushing home to me asking me everything she's asked. Yet, my dreams were by far simpler than the reality of it all. Reality had never been like my dreams. Things would never be the way I wanted, the way I dreamed them to be. I'd never get to see Bella walk down the aisle on her father's arm, and I'd never get to see her pregnant with our child. Those were things she didn't want. I knew that long before all of this happened. She spread it out on the table in the beginning. Marriage, children…those two things were off of the offering table all thanks to the reeking bloodsucker who had yanked her heart out of her chest.

But, the book… It changed my view on everything. There was a new understanding. It offered a different definition to Bella. Maybe, she wasn't who I thought she was. Maybe, I didn't know Bella back then. There were a lot of maybe's to consider, but the most important one was that maybe I was only in love with the girl I thought she was. Could that be right? I didn't love this Bella that returned to me to swear upon the love she still held for me?

The thought didn't feel right. This beating in my chest, this never ending black crevice that soaked deep into my soul, wasn't something made out of false love. No, this love was real. It was the realest thing I've ever felt in my life. She pumped through my veins. Everything about her made me who I was supposed to be; what I was meant to be. It was Bella that made my life complete.

Jake and Bells…_maybe it was forever._

As lame as I was starting to sound in my own head, I couldn't help the excitement building inside of me. I needed to finish her book. Luckily, I wouldn't have to wait too much longer. My patrol was just about up. Any time now, Sam would be here to relieve me and I could head home.

_Jacob. _Sam's welcoming thoughts strolled through my head.

_Sam._ I greeted him almost excitedly.

_Anything new? _It was always business with Sam, which it should have been. Sam was a great Acting Alpha. His experience by far exceeded my strength and bloodline. I may have been born for the job, but Sam had all of the qualifications.

_No. Nothing._ I answered as he strode past me at full speed.

_Head home. Get some rest. I have a feeling those leeches will return. _His orders, I would obey not because he was Acting Alpha, but because I needed rest. And, he was probably right. Those leeches would return. They always did – even when Bella wasn't here. What was it about this tiny little town that those fucking bloodsuckers loved? Probably the same things I loved about it.

I shook my head enjoying the breeze blowing through my fur as I did so. These unhealthily happy thoughts were starting to annoy me. With Bella's return came the return of the Jacob I fought so hard to lose. It was the side of me that Bella loved. If only there was a balancing point – a way to have both the strong, 'bullshitting aside' Jacob and the Jacob Bella knew converged into one person.

That thought was strong in my mind the entire run back home. Just before the tree line, my paws skidded to a halt on the dirt floor of the forest and I phased into my human form. Relishing the feel of the earth beneath my feet, I slipped on the pair of sweats nestled under the edge of a large tree root.

"Jake," a whisper leaked through the forest's lullaby.

If I had been in wolf form still, my ears would have perked up in curiosity. Goosebumps formed on my skin. As she spoke my name again, her words encapsulated me. A part of me wondered what the hell she was doing here. The other part didn't care why she was here, but was more than happy that she was. A tug of war formed inside of me as the halves of myself began their effortless battle between Jake and Jacob.

"Bells," I cleared the bushes and trees to find her standing a few feet from the first step of the porch. "What are you doing here?" I made sure to keep the shrewdness to myself.

"I…well…I…" Bella stepped forward as I took two steps toward her. Every two steps I took, she matched me by one meeting me half way between my house and the tree line of the forest. Her face spoke the words her tiny voice couldn't. Her lips were pulled down into a tight frown, and her eyebrows narrow and sharp.

"Why are you here, Bells," I asked once more needing her to tell me I was the one who could protect her; that I was the one she wanted to protect her.

"I'm scared, Jake," she took the final steps toward me and wrapped her arms dangerously tight around my neck. Bells held on dearly while burying her face into my neck.

My hands were unsure what to do. Hadn't I told her not to come back until she had made her choice? Or was this her choice? And suddenly a new question formed in my heart. Her protection void at the time. Did she finally choose me over them? Was Carlisle's letter right? Did it matter what choice I was?

"You still haven't told me why you're here," clearly I spoke with an honest hope that melted with meaning far beyond my statement. With a mind of their own, my hands nestled into her chestnut hair and I squeezed her gently into my chest.

Bella pulled away – like always. Her stare started and ended with my eyes. She drug out the soul that had been given to her way before our imprint.

"I needed to see you," her words came out as soft as the wind.

I nodded my head like I understood, but I didn't. Why did she need to see me tonight of all nights? It had been three or four days since I'd last seen her and since I'd last read any part of her book.

"Why tonight? Why not last night or the night before that?" I was stern with my request. She was getting off easy in this… relationship. Everything was put on my shoulders, and I had chosen to do that alone. I didn't blame Bella for that, but I was partially upset that she felt like she could just pop in my life and see if everything was ready. I'd let her know when I was ready. I'd let her know when everything was ok, because this was my decision right? She'd left it all up to me, because she couldn't bare to make one decision on her own.

"I…Jake…I just needed to see you that's all," her eyes dropped to the ground. They were trying to avoid my glare – the glare that could tell why she'd chosen tonight to come back to me again.

"Why do you always come running back to me?"

That question was out of my mouth and through her ears before I felt like saying it, before I thought it. It was a question that needed an answer – a question that lived deep inside of me and grew with every passing day.

"What? Jake, I don't always come," Bella's voice was quivering and realization slowly swept through the end of her sentence, "running back to you."

"Yes, you do." The certainty in my voice couldn't be touched, manipulated by anything. It was fact not fairy tale.

She hesitated. Her mouth dropped open so words could escape – words that she hoped would come out without thought, but there were none.

Silence filled the air as time ticked by with slow droplets of rain splashing into the soaked dirt beneath my feet. Why was it always this way? We were broken, but wanted nothing more than to be whole. Nothing agreed with us. Nothing between us was right. Nothing was being fixed. We were dancing the same dance for the past three weeks. Leaving, returning, leaving, and returning. Thoughtless fights. Arguments over the most important things, but nothing ever getting solved. We were a constant circle of neglect and unwarranted fear that pushed and separated us.

Separation, neglect…those were words I didn't want to hear, to think, to feel. They were the same words I'd loved over the past 2 and half years. They were the words that swallowed me whole protecting me from a life without Bella. I'd pulled the wool over my own eyes never realizing the full potential of the situation in front of me. Everyone should have a choice – not just Bella, not just me. Both of us had a choice in the situation. It affected both of us.

I wanted to wrap my arms around her, protect her from fears that I'd instilled, from fears of the past, but in return, her arms needed to shelter me from the hurt, the pain, the alternative world I'd created within myself.

I wanted truth.

"Tell me the truth, Bella. I need to hear it from you. Why do you always come back to me?"

My arms pulled her away from my chest. Her tiny frame trembled in the cold rain. I squeezed her arms between my fingers and pleaded with her. "Please, tell me." My eyes sought out hers with a hasty hope that would resolve into disappointment.

Bella shook her head. Wet strands of her hair sticking to her cheeks as her lips trembled. "I can't tell you. Not because I don't want to or don't know how to. There's nothing that I can say that will make it good enough, that will tell you everything I need you to know. But, Jake, there is a reason I come back to you, and it rests right here." Her elbow bent and she palmed her chest. "This is what I follow. This is who I listen to. This is what brings me back to you. This is why I choose you, Jacob."

My chest erupted with fierce thumps. My heart beating so fast and so hard that I could feel it ricocheting off of my ribcage. The words, the obtrusive words I was about to say before I heard her loud and clear, stopped in the back of my throat and slithered back down into the pit of my stomach. I had heard her loud and clear. She chose me.

_She_ chose me.

She _chose_ me.

She chose _me_.

"Bella," I breathed my last regretful breath and crashed my lips into hers. Kissing her was natural. Feeling her respond to my kiss was like a drug. Her heart studdered in her chest. She choked on the words she was still trying to say. Tears dribbled down her cheeks and fear rested in my belly.

"Jake," her lips twisted away from mine in a hurry. Her eyes watching mine intently, asking me if I really understood what she was trying to say.

I nodded my head. "I understand."

"Do you?" She whispered nibbling her lip.

"I do."

"Then, you have to promise me one thing."

"Ok." My voice quivered with residual fear.

"Promise me, that at any cost, you will give me the truth. You will be brutally honest with me. We need to fix this, Jake. I need to fix you just like you fixed me after Edward. I need to pay my dues, my fines. Please. To fix this, we have to have honesty. We have to have each other. Don't push me away."

"I won't," emotions leaked out of my voice like rain. I feared that she wouldn't want me. I feared that she wouldn't understand. I loved that she would try. "Don't run from me."

"I won't."

"And…I need time to digest this. Ok?"

Bella nodded her head curtly and looked up at me through thick lashes. "Time?"

"Time."

On her tip toes she stood. Her back arching toward me as her tongue delicately licked her suddenly pink lips. Her fingertips dug into my sides causing her nails to leave indentions in my skin. Bella's breathing was slow and deep. She was so sure, so independent. She was so different than the Bella that used to need me to hold her together. No longer was I the glue holding Bella Swan together, but yet here I stood the man (or wolf) she chose to be with.

This man scarred deep with past mistakes and a broken heart that only the breakee could repair. The crevice in my chest was slowly closing. The canyon was being filled with the love that had been yanked from me – the love that I still felt pumping in my veins – the love that meant more to me than any vampire, any mythical creature. This love was the forever kind.

Her lips perched onto mine slowly leaving the smallest of kisses that I was sure I would still be able to feel a week from now.

"I'll always choose you, Jake," she whispered coming down from her tip toes and nestling her head against the left side of my chest. "I know that I broke your heart, but it's still there…beating." Her fingers tapped on my side along with the rhythm of my heart. "I just hope that I can earn your heart back. I know that your soul is mine and mine yours, but this is the part I want from you the most."

I was lost in a whirlwind not knowing what to say next or what to do. No matter what I could possibly think of to say or do would be completely ignorant. So, instead of saying anything, instead of jamming my foot into my mouth or causing any more pain, I held Bella against my chest comforting myself with the knowledge of being her choice.

Being her choice rejuvenated my jaded heart. It beat erratically wanting to leap out of my chest and into her fragile hands. But, I didn't want that to happen. I didn't want things to move along too quickly. We needed time. Time to sort through the mess. Time apart. Time together. Time as a couple. Time as Jake and Bells.

Kissing the top of her head, I smiled a genuinely happy smile. This was it. This was my turning point. This was the moment I'd been waiting for. Her sweet strawberry scent lifted through me.

"You smell so good," I mumbled.

Bells giggled a very girly giggle and glanced up to me. "What do I smell like?"

"Strawberries."

"Really?"

"Yes. I told you that before." My reference to the strawberry lotion flowed through both of our minds.

"That was the truth?"

I rolled my eyes. Was I ever going to live that down? "Yes."

"Jake…" she laughed shaking her head, "what was I ever thinking?"

"That you want me to take you out Thursday night?"

"You read my mind." Bella's smile reached her eyes. A flame of hope sparked and burned deep in them.

"Mmm," I mumbled bending just enough to kiss her lips delicately. "I'll pick you up at 8."

I couldn't stop kissing her. My lips had a mind of their own as did my hands. They roamed her body squeezing and kneading the fullness of her hips and the swell of her ass. A subtle gasp floated through her lips and into mine. Bella's hands squeezed the sides of my neck. Her fingertips played with the sparse hairs on the back of my neck sending chills down my spine. My body trembled in response.

"Jake," Bella's lips parted mine. A groan escaped me as she pulled her head back. My head dove toward her, but she pressed her palms into my shoulders with a gentle shove. "I think…I should go home."

"Really," I was surprised that she didn't want to spend the night, that she wasn't trying to force herself on me tonight. Not that every other night she'd spent here was out of pure force, but there had been an expectation, a thought that if she stayed just one more night that everything would be ok.

Bella nodded her head in response and took two steps back. "Love you." A tauntingly evil smile played on her lips, and I figured that I'd soon learn that tonight would be repaid to me in more ways than one.


	22. The Wall

**Note: Language.** As you can tell by now, I changed the title of the chapter to "The Wall" since this is more or less Bella's thoughts about Jacob and the wall he's built to keep her out. Maybe next chapter we'll hear from him. Things are progressing. Slowly. Though there may seem to be some set backs...trust me things are moving forward. Anyway, I hope you guys like it...and enjoy hearing from Bella again.

BTW...A great big huge thanks goes out to Jess (Pooks79) for giving me the idea. 3

"Bella," Billy greeted me through the doorway of the kitchen.

"Hey Billy." The excitement spreading throughout my body leaked into my voice. A cheesey smile spread across my face.

"Heading out?" He wheeled past me and into the living room where he parked his chair in the same spot it always was – right next to the couch not more than 5 foot from the flat screen.

"Oh. Yeah, actually. Do you need anything?"

My voice squeaked from the anticipation of spending the evening alone with Jacob. Hopefully, tonight would have no hitches, no mythical creatures, and no surprises sent via mail. I couldn't take much more surprises, nor could I handle another bump in the road. It'd taken me this long and far more strength than I thought I had to come back to him, and we were still being pulled apart by things larger than either of us could imagine. Was it some kind of plan? Some sort of lingering remark that neither of us could understand?

"No. No. You have fun, now, and tell Jacob that his father needs to speak with him soon." Billy smirked knowingly in my direction. His eyes read through my antsiness and right to the heart of the matter: Jacob.

"Alright." I gave him a quick smile and headed out the front door.

The keys in my hand jingled as I jogged down the steps watching my feet. There was no sense in my hurting myself tonight. Even if I did fall, trip, or run into something, I'd keep going, because tonight was going to be great. I would make sure of it. Nothing was going to get in the way. Determination was my new anthem. I would fight. I would go to battle for him.

As my eyes lifted to the horizon, my stomach churned with butterflies that I hadn't felt since I was 18 years old going to see my long lost best friend, who would win over my heart effortlessly. He was a born protector. He was born a mechanic that could fix anything his hands touched, and he'd fixed me just like he'd rebuilt the Rabbit that he now sat in patiently waiting for me. His eyes were distant and dark until they fell upon me, and I caught a glimpse of that old love he still held deep within the broken pieces of his heart.

I could fix him. It was still there – that old flame. It burned bright in his eyes. The embers sparking through the blackness inside of him. The blackness, I had created with a naïve notion that my life was meant for something more, that there was something else out there better than the russet man sitting behind the wheel of his old beat up Volkswagen.

His eyes lightened the closer I came to the car. The blackness melted away into a puddle that would reside in him forever. I understood that there would forever be a part of him that was unfixable. I, myself, would never be complete, whole. He'd done his best putting me back together, and I was more than thankful that he did so. If he had chosen to not help me fix the bikes, if he had not chosen to fix the black hole that stung the center of my chest, then I would not have become who I was. I would have floated through life thinking that I knew what real love was, that the love Edward held for me was the truest thing I'd ever felt. I would have been wrong, and I knew that now. Edward only offered me a first love – a love to compare the others to. Jacob offered unconditional and true love that went bone deep. And Elijah, well, he'd been the stepping stone between the two. He'd been the man to show me what I was missing – how I should have felt. What I should have been feeling while I was with him was what I already felt with Jacob. It was that love that radiated through you no matter the distance, no matter the person, no matter the age. It was the truest form of love one could feel – the love of a best friend.

I slid into the passenger seat with a smile on my face and a warmth burning in my chest. Passion flowed through me, but not the sexual kind. This passion was something I'd never let go of. It was the feeling, the all knowing, that you would do anything for that one person. And my one person was Jacob. Not only the Jacob that I'd fallen in love with when I was 18, but the Jacob that sat before me today battered and broken by my own fist. I loved him, though I may not have known him inside and out anymore. I still loved the man sitting next to me.

"Ready," his lips curled into my beautiful smile. My heart fluttered.

"Ready."

That statement held more meaning than he'd asked. I was ready to do this. I was ready to endure the marathon I was running. The road back to him, the road back to his heart, was tough and narrow with winding curves, and dead ends. But, I was ready. I was willing.

"You never told me where we were going," I asked as he backed out of my drive way and turned toward La Push.

Jacob nodded his head with a smirk.

"Is that part of the plan?"

"Yeah." He still kept his distance both physically and emotionally. I could feel the wall he'd built, so I couldn't read his feelings, so that I couldn't understand what he was going through.

"I really wish you wouldn't do that," my voice wavered in its stance.

"Do what," Jake questioned glancing toward me with furrowed brows.

"Put that wall up."

His head jerked and shook slightly. I'm sure he hoped that I hadn't felt it, that the imprint didn't work the same way for me as it did for him. Jacob chewed on his bottom lip and rested his arm on the door.

"Bells," his voice was slow and deep with a rasp that I had never heard before. My skin chilled in the coldness of his tone.

"I'm just… I don't like it when you do that, ok?" If the long hard road was the only way to go, then that's the path I was taking.

"I know. I don't mean to, Bella," he kept his eyes stern on the road.

"Can you take it down? I mean, do you want to take it down?"

Jacob mirked on my question for a few moments. His eyes never left the road, but they weren't focused on the drive toward La Push. His attention was focused deep inside of him behind the wall that blocked me. The wall that I had helped him build. This wall wasn't so he could hide from me. This god forsaking wall was what had helped him through the past 2 and a half years. This was how he survived without me.

I sat patiently in my own head waiting for his answer – an answer that would never come. As we pulled into the driveway of his home, I wondered if he could feel the emotion, the love, the anticipation, and the will that I had burning deep inside of me, or did the wall block all of that out?

Could I build a wall of my own? A wall that would keep the hurt that I still felt toward Edward away from Jacob. Maybe I could build a wall that would protect Jacob from the pain that I still felt from leaving him, but that wouldn't be fair. I'd kept him in the dark through our relationship. My wall was made of steal. His was built of brick. His wall was destructible. Mine had not been, but my wall, I'd learned to live without it in the time I'd spent away from both Jake and Edward. I suppose the only way to tear down a wall is alone.

"Stay here, ok? I gotta run into the garage real quick and then I'll come get you. You have to promise you won't get out before I come back," he turned the ignition of the car and finally looked at me. The flame still burned bright and high. The darkness still lingered behind the flame, though. Was that the wall?

"I promise," I nodded.

"Alright, I'll be back," Jake stepped out of the car and jogged to the garage. He disappeared through the large doors leaving me alone in my sobriety.

The sun was setting behind the trees casting shadows across the wet land below it. A few more minutes and the sky would fade to black. The blackness overcame the daylight and slowly took us into the darkest of moments. Moments that would become the starting point for the sunrise of the next morning. But, it was during those darkest moments that revelry came in the form of a dream, a feeling, a seclusion into one's self. Those dreams, those feelings – they were what this life was about. Choosing to live, to breathe, to dream, to cry, to know one's self inside and out was the toughest part of being human. Being a human gave way to humanity. Humanity held compassion and kindness for others. Compassion and kindness exuded throughout Jacob. Though Jacob was technically not human, he was humanity. His heart was wide and big with love and passion. His love, his passion helped me pull through the darkest of moments in my life. Jacob was my sun. He was the all illuminating light that spread through my soul like a ravaging wildfire. He burned through my skin and glowed in my heart.

It had been Jacob all along.

The creaking of the garage door brought my attention from the revelations in my head to the man standing at car door next to me. My body reacted to his closeness. As if it knew its counterpart was just a few inches away, my soul lurched forward and collided with his. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me as his wall wavered but didn't fall. What was it going to take to fix this?

"It's ready," I could see the excitement playing across his eyes as he tugged open my car door and grabbed my hand. Jacob gently helped me out of the car and laced our fingers. Sparks flew up my arm, warming me as they descended into my chest. I smiled back at him enjoying the drama free moments as we walked hand in hand into his garage.

"We're having our date in here?"

"Uh. Yeah. I think…I tried hard to make it...like…well, you'll see," Jacob's hand squeezed mine. A shot of excitement shot up my arm and into my heart.

"What?" I puzzled over his words trying to comprehend his well thought out plan, but I was not in store for what stood behind the doors of his garage.

As we came to the door, his hand dropped mine with a squeeze. He stood at the crack of the door and breathed deeply. Then with a swift pull, the doors fell open exposing one of my fondest memories. It was exactly the same like he'd taken a picture of that particular moment. I stood frozen in time, my hand clutching my chest as my heart began to beat radically. A gasp of air parted my lips and tears stung in my eyes.

"Jake," I whispered. The memory hit me like a brick wall.

_His smile warmed my soul. The innocence behind it made my world spin. I would give anything to feel that innocence again, but I couldn't not after… well, what happened with…Ed-Edward. The hole still burned in my chest. I'd decided to move away from the pain, from the fear of it feeling like he never existed. But, I couldn't move away from the cloud of memories still flashing in my mind. Those memories were welcome and used to insulate me from the cold brisk truth. But, now, I had Jacob and his warmth – his innocence. It made me feel better. He made me feel better. I didn't feel so alone. I didn't feel so scared all the time. When I was with Jake, all of it disappeared and the only thing left standing was him._

_That's why I decided to do this. I knew I loved Jake, and that love was more than platonic. I loved him for fixing me. I loved that he tried to make me better even when I hadn't directly asked him to. He just knew what to do. As always, Jake knew exactly what to do. _

_The pull toward Jacob and the push away from Edward played heavily on my heart for months. I'd been without Edward for quite some time now. There was no sign of him coming back. I no longer heard his melodic voice in my head. All I could hear was Jacob. All I could see was Jacob. All I could feel was Jacob._

_So, finally accepting his advances was a feat for me. I'd fallen hard and fast for Edward. I'd have to protect myself with Jacob. The consequences of losing Jake outweighed those of Edward. I had been living without Edward, but the need for Jacob had grown over those months. And it was that need that I knew I would never be able to turn away from._

_Beep. Beep._

_I looked up to find Jacob behind the wheel of Billy's new shiny truck with a giant smile on his face. The same smile that engulfed me with warmth and shelter. I needed to be sheltered. I had to feel his warmth. So, I ran and jumped into his truck leaving the worry, the hurt, the hole on the stoop of my porch. _

_This feeling was new. It was fresh. It flowed through me like fire through ice. My skin warmed immediately melting away the cold hard fears that lingered in the back of my head. This was good. _

"_All buckled in?" Jacob's earthy voice flipped a switch in my head. _

_I blinked and turned to face him. He wore the same black t-shirt and jeans that he seemed to wear every day. Secretly, I wondered if werewolves had some stock share with Levi and Hanes. They went through jeans and t-shirts like I went through...shampoo. _

"_I can buckle as you drive," I smirked._

_His laugh was wrought with nerves. "Bells, I'm not taking any chances with you. I'm surprised you made it to the truck without falling and you expect me to drive while you try to buckle your seat belt? It'll end up wrapped around your neck or something."_

_There was more. I knew there was more, so I just raised my eyebrow at him with a quirk._

_He looked at me annoyed. "And Dad said to make sure you wore your seat belt. Wouldn't look good if I got pulled over with the Chief of Police's daughter not wearing a seat belt."_

"_Right," I nodded at his loyalty to his father. "Where is Billy? I haven't seen him in a while."_

"_He's around." Jacob put the truck in reverse after he heard the click of my seat belt and backed out slowly._

"_Around?"_

"_Around."_

"_He let you drive his baby with him just being around?" I nagged._

"_Sheesh woman! It's our first date and you're already nagging me?" Jacob cooed at me with a smile._

_He was kidding. At least he better be._

_I sat in silence for a moment just to make sure._

"_I was kidding, Bella." His voice more nervous that it needed to be. I felt bad having him doubt me. _

"_I know."_

"_About Dad," Jake cleared his voice. "I had to change our plans up a bit."_

_And that's when the boulder fell on me. If he thought I was going to have a date with him and his father, then he had better turn this truck right around and take me home. Not that I minded Billy. I just…I wanted time alone with Jake. Time to think of him as the other half of me. Time to really get to know the side of Jacob he'd been trying to show me for the past few months._

"_Instead of being cooped up in the house, I've made other plans. Dad's been…on my case lately. So, he refused to leave the house this evening."_

_Smirking, I eyed him from the passenger side of the truck. "Other plans?"_

_He just nodded with that beautiful smile of his playing across his lips. The excitement oozed out of him and leaked onto the seat next to us like a puddle of rain water. The puddle grew the closer we got to his house. It rippled to my side of the truck and soaked my legs shaking them in anticipation. I chewed on the inside of my lip as his garage came to view. The door was shut, but a flickering light cascaded onto the ground. _

_I breathed in the enthusiasm floating in the air, and watched Jacob intently put the truck in park. He snuck a peak out of the corner of his eye at me and smirked. Knowing that I couldn't wait much longer, Jake didn't put on a miraculous romantic show. He simply helped me out of the truck and walked me to the garage doors. As we reached them, he brought his hand out and laced our fingers together just as he did the night of the movie with Mike and the night of his first transformation. The simple gesture warmed me to the bones. It was such a small gesture, but one that had kept me together over the years. It was the glue in the collage of my life._

_The hand that wasn't holding mine grabbed the edge of the garage door and pulled. As it opened he turned to the side and watched my reaction. _

_Before me sat what had to be hundreds of candles. Each one lit and flickering in the darkness of the evening. The candles, all white, sat on top of anything stationary. Most of the work benches and random parts of motors had been covered with white linens that reflected the glow from the candles into the air. The ambience of the room was warm and golden just like Jake. _

_My eyes danced around watching the flames of the candles lick the air until I noticed the table with two chairs sitting in the center of the room. In the middle of the table sat two long red candles and a small bouquet of pink roses. A few petals had fallen off and were scattered around the base of the small round glass vase he'd put them in. The table was covered in a white linen as well. The pink and red contrasted beautifully against the white and golden glow of the room._

"_I hope this is ok," his voice whispered and his fingers squeezed my own._

_I couldn't speak. It was all so beautiful and so thought out. It must have taken him so much time to fix this place up and clean it. It meant so much that he would go this far out of his way for little 'ol me. _

"_This is perfect," I smiled. The small space between us closed as he pulled me to his side. His free hand wrapped around my shoulders and he tightly hugged me to his chest. I could feel him breathing in the acceptance of the whole situation._

And it was perfect. That whole night was everything Jacob was and everything Edward wasn't. We drank chilled cokes and ate the food he'd picked out, which he'd put just as much thought into as he did the entire setting. I got my "rabbit food" and he got his sirloin steak. We were innocent, happy, and blossoming into something that would turn out to be the most painful of experiences.

Yet, here before my eyes, I saw the same things I did on our first date. I felt the same feelings – the butterflies in my stomach, the thrumming in my chest, and the acceptance in the air. It was all coming back to me in waves of emotions I hadn't felt in years.

Jacob had done this himself again. He'd remembered those days. The days that weren't hard. The days when all that mattered was when I was going to see him and for how long. The days that he'd sat in this garage and fixed me from the battering I'd endured from Edward. His memory was just as sharp as mine, though I'd thought he had forgotten those tender days when he didn't know what true loss felt like. When he was _Jake _and I, _Bells._

My chest was swelling with heavy breaths. Tears leaked down my cheeks in remembrance of the tender heart I'd fallen in love with and the damage I'd done to the man who owned it. But, it all escaped me in one swift and strong hug.

His arms tightly wound their way around my hips. His fingers still held onto mine bringing my hand behind my back with both of his. Jacob rested his chin against my shoulder in a breath, and I brought my other arm around his neck feeling the same man – just years older and wiser – that I'd fallen in love with.

"This ok?" He whispered just like he had that day.

"It's perfect," I whispered back to him with a voice so full, so proud, and so in love.

Dinner was wonderful. Yet again, I had my rabbit food and Jacob had his steak. We drank chilled cokes and laughed. _We laughed._ We laughed remembering the old days from the time we'd first met at the tender age of 5 all the way until the rough times began. Both of us dodged those moments, because we needed a moment of freedom, a moment that didn't sour. It was just like it used to be. The smiles. The laughs. The wonderfully beautiful man sitting in front of me nervous and innocent. The not-so-innocent clutzy girl with more than her shares worth of the world.

Jacob swallowed the mouthful of food he had and cleared his throat. "Do you remember when you were 8 and we were playing down on First Beach?"

There had been so many memories of Jake and I playing on First Beach when I was little that I wasn't exactly sure which time he was talking about. I glanced at him and titled my head with a sideways glance.

"Right. Guess I should be more specific," he shifted in his seat and took a sip of his coke. A smile played in his eyes. I missed that lightness about him. It was the lightness of the first Jacob I knew…Jacob pre-werewolf.

"Billy and Charlie were fishing, of course," he rolled his eyes leaving me with a laugh in my throat, "and we were playing at the edge of the woods." The corners of his lips turned up. He fought the smile that was trying to break through.

"You were making mud pies, as usual. Always the cook," a breathy laugh escaped him through is nose, and he dropped his eyes to the floor for a second as the memory came over him in cascades of moments I knew he'd replayed in his mind time and time again. "I was looking for frogs, because cooking was for _girls._"

Oh. That time. I remembered that day, because I'd ran to Charlie crying. "Right. No, I remember." I laughed. "And I remember you finding a frog."

"Right," Jacob screeched loudly and laughed heartily. "I can't believe you remember that." His voice dropped and so did his smile.

"I also remember you telling me that if I kissed that frog, then he'd turn into my Prince Charming and ask me to marry him in that very spot."

Jacob's chest built up with a laugh and it exploded out of him loudly. "And you actually believed me."

"Yeah, what was I thinking?" A part of me wondered why he brought up that memory. But, I had times when the smallest things triggered memories that I thought I'd forgotten: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

"I guess you were hoping Prince Charming would show up and ask you to marry him."

"Boy was I hopeless."

Jacob grinned. "I still can't believe you really kissed that frog!" His eyes squinted with laughter and tears.

I laughed softly with him. "Me either."

But, a part of me wondered if that day was a hint of my future. Maybe that frog didn't turn into Prince Charming, but maybe Prince Charming was holding that frog. My heart leaped in my chest.

"Charlie and Billy about had my ass that day for making you cry."

"As they should have! I still never got an apology!"

"Sorry Bells," he choked back a grin. The twinkle in his eyes was ever brighter.

It was the same for a moment in time like someone had taken a snapshot and froze us in the sweetest of times. Sadly as the night came to an end, so did most of the bantering and back & forth we shared throughout the evening. But I still saw that light in his eyes, that fire that never burnt out. I still felt the sheer love he had for life spreading through my veins. With every breath and every beat of my heart, I truly felt him.

Jacob had cleared the table – throwing away the empty containers of food and stashing the rest in the cooler behind the old beat up truck parked in the garage. Patiently, I waited for him to return, and I found myself hoping that tonight would never end; that we would never have to return to the mythical world of vampires, werewolves, and heart break. I feared the real world waiting outside of the wooden doors. I feared what reality held for me. I feared what this man before me could do with my life.

That fear trembled through me like the largest of earthquakes. My life was nothing without Jacob, yet here I was pretending that nothing had changed, when it all had changed. The world, his world, had crumbled around him. It shattered like a hammer through glass and I was that hammer. I was the one person he trusted, and I hurt him. I had hurt him repeatedly.

I wondered what hurt him worse: the time without me or my return? I'd never asked him how it made him feel. I'd never witnessed the shear anxiety, fear, hurt that he kept hidden in the confines of his heart that was blocked by that brick wall he felt so badly he needed to put up. I hadn't thought what would happen in the wake of my earth shattering return. All I knew is this was what I wanted and I would do anything to get it back. But did that include breaking the man that I returned to?

No. It didn't. I'd felt so much. I'd lived so much in the past three weeks that everything blurred around me. Filtering through my mind came the fights, the arguments, the hurtful words we'd said to each other out of passion and love.

"Jake," his name came out in a broken voice full of thought.

"Yeah," his own voice full of thought. Placing his hands on the back of his head, Jake stretched out. The sounds of his bones stretching and cracking made me grimace, but he only sighed in relaxation.

"Is it…" I glanced up to him and back down to the table. "Is it harder now? Me being back?"

His breath fled him in a woosh. "I don't want to talk about that right now."

"I need to know."

"Why?"

"It's important." I picked at my finger nail.

"Why's it important?"

"It just is." Did it always have to be back and forth like this? Could he just answer me? My stomach tumbled in on itself. I felt my half eaten food climbing back up my throat. Sitting up straight in my seat, I wondered if him not answering was the answer in itself.

"You gonna leave again or something," his voice bled in anger and frustration.

My mouth dropped open. That wasn't…I wouldn't. I.. There wasn't… "No. I just want to know."

"Will it make a difference?" He sat up straight. The air seemed to get colder.

"Just answer me, Jacob." I spat his name out with force. His knee began to shake.

"I don't know." Jacob rested his elbows on the table and latched onto his hair. His fingers dug deep into his scalp. The words he spoke ran true in the ambience of the room. My stomach clenched again.

"You don't know?" How could he not know what was hard and what wasn't? This was his life. Shouldn't he know what was harder on him.

"No."

"Jake…" I started, but he finished.

"Damn, Bells. Why do you always have to bring this shit up?" He stood quickly. His chair tumbled to the floor. Jacob busied himself blowing out candles.

"We have to talk about it," I answered as I stood and walked to him. Placing a hand on his shoulder, I tugged him to face me. Reluctantly, he turned with a grimace and scowered down at me.

"That's all we do is talk about it. We talk about how we're going to fix it. We have a great time. Then you go and fuck it up like some…clingy girlfriend." His tone was new. It echoed throughout the room.

I winced at the growl that settled in the back of his throat. His dark eyes seemed even darker as the flame fell behind the dark wall he'd built to keep me out. My heart hurt. My chest caved in on itself. I knew that we weren't together, but… hearing him say that. Hearing him call me clingy and becoming disgusted with the thought that I was his girlfriend made my legs want to give way and drop me to the floor in a broken mess. I guess, I deserved it. I deserved to hear him react to me harshly.

Why did I need more from him? Why couldn't I just give him his space, his life back? Hadn't I done enough?

My body played against me. It was on his side. My eyes were forced to look at him, to see the shell of a man standing in front of me seething in anger. This anger was well deserved, and a part of me wished he'd become angrier so we could get over this whole mess…this whole ordeal.

The other part of me hated me for doing this to him, for ending the perfect night with a fight. What kind of friend was I?

"Bells, I'm sorry."

His response shocked me.

"What do you have to be sorry for," my head shook as I turned away from him and began my journey to my chair.

"I shouldn't have lost it like that." Jacob pinched the bridge of his nose and squinted his eyes.

"No. I think it's time I faced the truth." I nodded. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I mean, after everything you've done for me tonight…" I stopped before the tears began to surface.

"Listen, Bells," Jacob knelt down in front of me and rested his hands on my legs. His eyes forcing mine to look into his. "It's all a little much. And…you know what I want from you. Just…you need to learn when to stop with that and just let it be. Ok?" His eyebrows raised in question.

I nodded my head. With a sigh he brought his hand to my cheek. His thumb calmed my fears as it traced patterns across my skin.

"Let it go for now, ok?" his words were shaking with his own emotions, his own fears.

"I just want to…" I swallowed thickly. Tears threatened to drip from my eyes. I swiped them away with the back of my hand and finished, "I want to fix you, Jake. Let me help."

I was nearly begging him now. I needed to repent for my sins. I needed to pay my dues.

A smile came to his lips. I blinked in confusion retracting my face from his hand. Why was he laughing?

"Don't laugh at me," I whispered.

"I'm not…it's actually… kinda perfect," Jacob mumbled standing up and reaching for my hand.

"Kinda perfect?"

"Yeah, actually," he nodded his head as we walked a few feet behind the old beat up truck and stopped.

In front of us sat a dirt bike bare to the frame. Its pieces spread across the floor neatly.

"Jake," I asked.

"Well…" he shimmied over to the bike and sat on the stool in front of the frame of the bike. "It kinda helps me think. And I was thinking…maybe this time… I could… or you could…" He rubbed his hand over his face in frustration. "Maybe it'll help. It did before."

"No, I think it's a great idea, Jake. But…you have to promise to let me…_help_." I smirked making my way next to him and sitting on the ground. My eyes catching glimpses of the practically brand new bike spread out in pieces.

"I promise, as long as you don't… fuck anything else up." Jacob grabbed a screw driver and began untwisting a screw. His words were wise and true. He knew that I understood what he meant. His blatant words couldn't be missed.

"I won't."

Over the next few days, Jacob helped me help him. He pointed out all of the tools that he would be using. Patiently, he went over each of their names and what they did. As he went along with putting some parts back onto the bike, he quizzed me on their names. The first few tries, I'm pretty sure I grabbed every tool but the right one. But now, I was getting good. I knew which tools he needed before he even asked for them. And it did help. It helped clear my mind. It helped me cope with the thoughts in my head and it helped me answer questions that I already held the answers to.

Slowly but surely, I felt his wall coming down brick by brick. Inside of him was what I'd always known was still there. The flame that burned for life, for dreams, for love. I was so sure he'd given up on love and on me, but here I sat with a wrench in my hand and grease on my jeans, taking down his brick wall just like he'd done for me.

We'd been working on the bikes for about 5 days when Jake cleared his throat and twisted on his stool. His face covered in confusion and a smirk. There were smears of grease and dirt across his cheeks as I'm sure I had plenty of grease all over me too.

"What?" I laughed tossing the socket wrench back to the ground and wiping my hands on my jeans.

Jacob smiled.

"I finished your book."


	23. Balancing Act

**Author's Note: **I know. I suck. It's been what like 2 months? Blah blah blah blah… Sorry.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything remotely close to The Twilight Saga or the characters. Wish I did, tho.

**Jacob**

Things between Bells and I started looking up after our "first date" when I'd told her to lay off of the drama. And she did. Her helping me with the bike was by far more therapeutic than being swamped with her endless questions about what happened and why. Why ask why when you can look into the eyes of your future?

I don't know how many times I've told her that I needed time. There was no other way to let her know that things weren't ok besides being frank. We weren't fixed yet. Hell, I wasn't remotely close to having my head on sideways let alone straight. So, when I told her to stop being like a "clingy girlfriend", I didn't mean to sound so harsh. It worked, though. That's all that mattered.

Fixing the bike helped clear out my head a little bit, too. It helped me think and wrap my brain around who I had become and why. Sure, one of the reasons I'd become this hardened asshole was because I felt jipped like the life I had started to build was demolished by Hurricane Cullen. I was crushed inside, broken, smashed…I was hurt beyond repair; instead of fixing it, I left it to fester. The pus, the infection, it spread through me, because I had no fight left inside of me. I'd used all of the energy I had to fight for Bella, to win her over. Now, that I had lost her…there really was no silver lining. So, I just survived. I breathed. I put a band aid over the black crevice in my chest and went on to dampen whatever burning pain was left. I understood it all now.

I saw who I had become. I saw the anger behind my eyes. I felt the wall inside of me that I'd unconsciously built. I felt the pain I hadn't let myself feel over the past 2 and a half years.

Now that I understood that pain, now that I understood the journey I'd taken… the path that I had chosen, I had to fight the demons inside of me. This new Jacob, the one who would do anything to get back at Bella for hurting him, held dominance over me, because no one liked to hurt. He held that over my head. He flaunted it in my face until the Jake that I used to be had crawled into the corner of my soul and hid like the pussy that he was.

The war raging inside of me was officially making me crazy. I wished that I could balance the two. I wished to be the Jacob that Bella needed, but also the Jacob that I needed. The Jacob I felt I needed to be wasn't the same as the Jacob that she wanted or needed. However, I accepted the fact that Bells needed someone resembling the Jake she loved. He wasn't entirely gone. He was just hiding deep inside of me behind the brick wall in front of my heart.

In accepting the fact that Bella needed the old Jacob, I'd been able to find myself a bit better than usual. However with the emergence of that Jacob came intense questions - questions that involved the imprint I held with her.

A part of me was confused by the imprint that we shared. It wasn't anything like what Emily and Sam had, but I'd come to expect in this life that what works for one person might not work for another. I guess that made sense in the aspect of imprints as well. Imprinting Bella wasn't something I up and decided to do. It, actually, wasn't what I wanted. I never wanted to take her choices or my choices away, but my lifestyle…well…let's just say that I never had a choice in anything.

Choices aside…our imprint was so different from any tales or stories that I'd heard from our ancestors, Billy, or Sam, that I needed to talk to someone about this, because by now, Bella and I should have been playing on the same level of the field. There was something blocking the imprint…something wrong with it. And I couldn't figure it out.

The only thing that made the slightest bit of sense was that a part of me imprinted her. That part was the same Jacob from 2 and a half years ago. The other half of me…the shitty side that I've created to cover up the side that is broken…hasn't forgiven her enough to let go and breathe. It's not that I don't want to. I want to breathe. Without breathing, life is death. And death isn't a choice that I would make.

Sam was the person I first approached about mine and Bella's imprint. Unfortunately, he didn't offer much insight, which disappointed me. He seemed to agree with my theories though. Without much insight, Sam directed me to Sue Clearwater, who was on the tribal council.

"Jacob, it's nice to see you. What can I do for you this afternoon?" Sue looked up from the papers on her desk and at me with suspecting eyes.

"Well," I cleared my throat and avoided her eyes. "I've imprinted."

Sue's lips spread quickly into a grin. The papers in her hands fell to her desk and she was wrapping her arms around my shoulders in the blink of an eye. "That's so wonderful to hear! Do we know her?"

"Um. Yes. She's…it's…Isabella Swan." I croaked out.

Sue pulled back from me, her eyes full of wonder and suspicion. "And you're sure you've imprinted?"

I laughed at her question remembering the insanity that occurred around mine and Bella's bubble the day we imprinted. "Yes."

"That is odd. Usually, you imprint on someone the first time you see them. Isn't Isabella…"

"Bella," I corrected as if she were standing next to me.

"Right. Bella. Isn't she the one who, uh," Sue slid into the brown leather desk chair and turned her eyes toward the computer screen.

"Yeah, we have a past." I was becoming agitated at discussing this whole situation with someone I barely knew. Sure, Billy and Charlie were close with Sue's husband, Harry, and Sam's ex is their daughter, but I've never really known Sue, Harry, or Leah.

"Right. A past, well, what is it you want to talk about?"

"Um…well…" the room seemed to become stuffy. The words I wanted to say stuck in my throat. "The imprint Bella and I have is different." I stopped half expecting her to interrupt me anyway; instead she eyed me curiously all while taping her fingers together in a triangle in front of her mouth. Sue's eyebrows pulled tightly together, but softened when she realized I was expecting her to interject at any moment.

"I would say so, son, but I am sorry to tell you that I'm not such a wise person when it comes to imprints and their details," her voice was full of wisdom though it lacked the information I needed.

"A…al…alright," I stuttered. Where the hell was I supposed to get my information?

"You should speak with your father. He's quite wise on imprinting," Sue turned to the computer on her desk and clicked the mouse a couple of times.

"Uh…sorry… but, why should I speak to my father about this?"

"Jacob, your father is a very smart man. You don't give him the credit he deserves," she paused for a moment and looked me over – a softened expression barreling on her face. "And vice versa." Her lips turned into a smile.

It was nice finally getting a compliment from someone other than Bella. Sure, her compliments meant a lot to me, but it was different hearing it from an elder. The look in Sue Clearwater's eyes was filling with respect as I stood in her native-themed office – my head barely clearing the ceiling. Seeing and feeling someone respect me for reasons that could go unexplained was like shooting heroin into the vein of a drug addict. I gulped down the respect she held for me and turned to leave.

"Oh, and Jacob," she spoke softly.

"Yes, Mrs. Clearwater?" Since when did I respect people like that again?

"Your letter of recommendation to the trade school will be sent out bright and early tomorrow."

"What? How did you… I mean, I haven't told anyone…" The shock I felt in my body was like that of a lightning bolt. Was this really happening?

"The trade school sends over a list of visitors each month. Your name happened to be on the top of the list. They seem to be very interested in someone with your mechanical skills," Sue glanced over a sheet of paper resting on her desk. I focused my eyes on that same sheet of paper and thanked the Gods, for once, for my werewolf abilities.

And she was right. My name was circled on the top of the list…

"Please send recommendations for the following tradesmen preferably in the following order. We encourage you to recommend the most respected and the most skilled, but our preferences have been circled."

That's when I felt a shift in the room and heard the crumbling of bricks. Though, I wasn't sure what the shift was nor did I understand the crumbling echoes flowing through my ears, I gratefully accepted them as I suddenly felt lighter like a 200lb man had been lifted from my shoulders.

"Uh… than…thank you, Mrs. Clearwater. I'd appreciate it," I spoke above the crumbling bricks and the shifted room.

"You're welcome, Jacob. You've always had the most potential out of anyone on the reservation. I just wish you would have seen it sooner. Now, go speak with your father about imprinting. If there's one thing that will stop you from getting that letter of recommendation it will be the lack of relationship with your father. How does one earn respect without giving it?" Sue's eyes lifted in that motherly sort of way that made you feel like you were two feet tall.

I wasn't the large, unstoppable werewolf any longer. Now, I was the small, cowardly lion on his way to find the courage to become king of the jungle. When did my life become so… metaphorical?

The few minutes drive to Charlie and Billy's seemed to take mere seconds, and I quickly found myself trembling with anxiety at what I was about to do. I was about to admit that I was wrong for taking things out on my father. I was about to admit to Billy that I was… a nut job, and I was about to tell him that I was sorry. Why? Not for the reasons you're thinking.

It wasn't just because Sue, basically, threatened to not recommend me to the trade school. It wasn't about imprinting on Bella. Though, those reasons had started my journey here, they weren't the only ones. On the what felt like a second long drive over here, I had a long hard debate with myself. It was easier than I'd expected it to be… the debate. There didn't seem to be a block between my brain and my heart anymore. However, I still felt a resistance, but that could just be the need to protect myself from being hurt again. After all, wasn't that my whole issue?

_I didn't want to hurt anymore._

With a sigh, I rested my forehead on the top of the steering wheel and closed my eyes. I squeezed them tight causing those little flashes of light to sparkle behind my lids. My nerves were getting the best of me as they were forming balls and butterflies deep inside the pit of my stomach. I was almost nauseous as the butterflies flapped their wings. I could barely breathe. The air seemed to trap itself in my lungs. I kept the oxygen moving with long drawn out breaths.

"Here goes nothing," I whispered to myself and started to open my door. As I glanced out the window of my car, I jumped.

Bella stood slightly rigid with cool air whipping around her ferociously. What was she doing outside? Raising my eyebrows at her, I opened my car door and stepped out slowly.

"What are you doing here?"

"Why are you outside?"

We both asked simultaneously.

"I knew you were coming," she looked toward the ground. Her cheeks tinting pink with embarrassment. It had been a look I'd loved when we were younger, and a look that was growing on me by the second.

"I came to see Billy," I politely answered.

The pull toward her felt stronger and stiffer than the days before. I needed to touch her, to feel the dancing of our interconnected souls stutter through me. So, I reached out and grasped onto her hip with my hand, that could nearly wrap completely around her. Through the fabric of her shirt, I felt the goose bumps rise and spread onto my own skin. They rose slowly up my arm, across my shoulders, and slithered down my spine. Her arms wrapped around me the closer I pulled her.

I didn't know why I was hugging her, but I wasn't going to over think it. I was going to go with the flow and feel this one out.

This felt right.

"He's at the doctor with Charlie. They should be back in a couple of hours," she gazed up at me. Her warm chocolate brown eyes stared at me with a body full of hope and unconditional love. "You could stay for dinner."

"You sure," I asked searching her eyes with my own.

"What? Jacob! Of course I'm sure," she laughed and buried her face in my chest. Bella inhaled deeply and exhaled. Her breath was hot even against my 108 degree skin, but still in its wake, left chills.

"Ok."

Absent mindedly, I bent down and kissed her as though nothing had ever come between us. It was like the Jacob I had fought so hard to hide was winning the war within. My heart beat quickly when I felt the surprise gasp part her soft supple lips. She hadn't expected the kiss just as I hadn't expected to do it.

"Jake," she whispered resting her palm against my cheek. Opening her eyes, Bella looked deep into my own pushing aside what was left of Jacob, the hurt and angry man. He'd always be there. I knew that, and so did she. But during these times, I was who she needed me to be. Right now, she needed Jake…the boy she fell in love with so long ago… the boy she broke in two by walking out of his life.

"Bells," I mirrored her by placing my hand against her porcelain cheek, though there was nothing fragile about this strong woman standing before me.

"I love you," her confidence bled through the tone of her voice.

I nodded in acknowledgement. The hardened asshole inside of me kept me from saying back to her what I truly felt. I did love Isabella Swan probably more than she loved me, but I still couldn't say it as easily as she did. She dropped her eyes to my chest – her palm still rested on the side of my face. Through the contact of our skin, I felt the fear rising inside of her. I needed to not make her feel that I didn't love her when it was honestly not remotely close to the truth.

"I do too. It's just hard for me to say it sometimes," I confessed.

Bella nodded. The fear still radiated from her skin to mine, but its intensity faded. "C'mon. Let's go inside. What do you want for dinner?" Her tiny hand dropped from my cheek and grabbed mine.

"Pizza is fine with me," my stomach grumbled at the thought of eating pizza again, but I was used to it.

"Pizza? Jake, you have to eat something other than pizza. How about… steaks? I just bought a whole stack of them from the meat market the other day."

This tiny woman was pulling me toward the door with ease. How amazing was that? I wasn't the asshole-ish prick anymore, but I most definitely wasn't the push over she originally fell in love with. I felt like I was gaining ground on myself. There was a balance between the two parts of me, and it made me feel…like a new person.


	24. Mending

**Author's Note:** I know it's been forever. But, this is here, now. Hope you enjoy it. We're closing in on the end. And I've finally figured out where this is going. Thanks to everyone who have pushed me to finish this. I'd also like to thank those of you who nominated ITYS for "Best Portrayal of Jake" in the JBNP Summer Awards (link in my profile). ITYS is a finalist! So, thanks!

**Playlist: **http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/18784013067

**Suggested Listening: **John Mayer – Edge of Desire; John Mayer – Gravity; Cavo – Let It Go; Breaking Benjamin – I Will Not Bow; Genuwine - Superhuman

* * *

**Jacob**

"Perfect timing," Charlie said as he pushed my dad into the busy kitchen just as Bella sat the platter of steaks in the center of the table.

I thought I would escape Chef Swan and her not-so-nice orders, but I was wrong. I should have known. No matter who was in the kitchen when Bella was cooking, she almost always put them to work and ordered them around with any tasks she felt she couldn't handle. It was amusing to watch someone so small order someone like me around. The funnier thing? I was scared to say 'no'.

Even with my back toward both of our Dads, I could still see their opened mouths and glaring eyes. They'd both become more over bearing in the years that had passed. Dad, well, I knew he was more than worried about Bella's safety than anything else.

"Jacob," Charlie nodded his head curtly in my direction as I spun around – my hands full of silverware.

"Charlie," I gave him a tight lipped smile and began to place the forks, spoons, and knives around the table.

"Are you staying for dinner," Dad sounded almost hopeful.

"Yeah," quickly, I answered.

"Great," Charlie and Dad chirped.

"Dad," Bella softly nodded her head toward the counter where the salad still needed to be put into bowls. "Could you help me?" Her eyes watched me and then darted toward Dad.

Taking the hint, Charlie left Dad's wheelchair in place and made his way to the counter. As Bella grabbed a few bowls out of the cabinet, she smiled sweetly and gave me a pleading glance.

'Go. Talk.' her lips moved, but the words were silent.

I stared at her wondering why it was that nothing ever seemed to bother her. It was almost as if she were a cold, dead soul hiding out behind thoughtless rambles and distant dreams. But, I knew better. I could feel the warmth in her veins, and I could see the fire in her eyes. She was determined. In some way though, I wanted her to show me some type of reaction… some type of emotion besides patience. Patience is a virtue. I understand that, but honestly, how much patience could she have with me and my indecisiveness?

Not that the decision was really left up to me. It had already been made by someone larger than me, long ago with some magic rule book with myths and fairytales ruling the outcome of everyone's life. It wasn't fair that choices weren't left for me. It wasn't fair that I couldn't simply choose to love Bella and be with her all on my own. No, life grandly fucked me the day I imprinted her.

I wished I didn't feel that way. Oddly enough, the part of me that wished I didn't feel that way wasn't the part of me I expected it to be. The Jacob from long ago was the one who thought the imprint unfair. That side of me had felt that way since I'd learned about imprinting.

"So," Dad began to wheel his chair toward the front of the house. His hands nearly scrapping the doorways as he made his way to the living room. Just as quickly as he reached the spot where he parked his chair, Dad put the break on and lifted himself up, out of the chair and onto the couch in a faintly quick motion. "I imagine you didn't just come here to visit your dear old Dad."

A low growl gurgled in the back of my throat and a snarl threatened to appear on my face. Instead of allowing myself to react in whatever way I felt, I took a deep breath and sat in Charlie's old beat up recliner. I remembered what Sue Clearwater had told me about not giving enough credit.

"It's not like that." I answered respectfully.

"Oh, alright," Billy nodded his head.

The room was still with silence. I examined each detail of every picture hanging on the wall – the ones that Renee had no doubt left behind all those years ago. Then, I concentrated on the lines in the ivory wallpaper and the design on the ceiling.

It was awkward knowing what I was about to do. I wasn't sure where I should start. All I knew was that things had to start coming unraveled. They needed to be fixed – if not just for me, but for him too.

"Actually," I perked up and rested my arms on my legs. My hands worrisomely rubbed back and forth together. I looked up quick enough to see Dad glance at me with a saddened face. "I wanted to…"

"How much do you need?" Billy barked out – his sadness hidden well below his anger.

"I'm not asking you for money, " I controlled the blackened asshole inside of me long enough to breathe and calm my nerves. "I just wanted to…" And then surprisingly enough, my throat constricted inhibiting my ability to speak properly. My voice came out like that of a small child who'd done something he shouldn't have. "Apologize."

With narrowed eyes, I drifted another look to find my father with a shocked expression and a smirk spreading across his face.

"Is there a reason you think this is funny?" I couldn't control the anger as much as I liked, but I had it under wraps enough to know that the comment I just made got my point across.

Dad shifted himself nervously on the couch. "No. I… I'm just surprised to hear this that is all."

"Oh, well," I mimicked my father's throat clearing and swallowed a breath of fresh air. "I'm sorry for the way I've acted, the things I've done, the impression that I've given everyone. It was…I don't know… it made it all go away. And I'm sorry for taking things out on you, too. I shouldn't ha…I'm just sorry."

For a moment, I thought Billy was about to fall over from shock, but moments after my apology, he reached across the space between the couch and the recliner, and patted my shoulder.

"I forgive you," he proudly mumbled, "but I'm still not coming back home."

I laughed. "Ok."

"That's…that should be your's and Bella's home."

"What?"

"I'm giving you the house. It's yours. Do what you like with it," his reply was simple, to the point, and stated matter-of-factly.

I didn't understand. "Why?"

"Because, Jacob, that is your home. It's the place you were born and it's the place where your children should be born too."

"My children," panic set in my chest. Did he know something I didn't?

With a full laugh, Dad threw back his head. "For the future, son. For the future."

"Right," the relief in my voice exploded with a breath. "Can I ask you something about imprinting?"

"I thought you might bring this up, " Dad lifted himself off of the couch and back to his chair. I jumped up and started to help him when he spoke up. "I can take care of myself."

He popped the break and led the way into his room. Books upon books were scattered across an antique wood desk that I had never seen before. As he made his way over to the desk, I took a look at his room. It oddly resembled the décor of Sue Clearwater's office. There were plenty of taxidermy'd fish plaques on the wall along with a few other hand paintings that I was sure he had gotten from the trade show in Seattle.

"Nice room," I smiled and walked over toward his desk. Approaching his desk, I noted a few hand carved ornaments spread across his window seal. Something inside of me mended in that moment. Something fixed itself as I noticed those to be the first carvings my grandfather and I had carved together. I was surprised that Billy still had them, but in an odd way, I was relieved.

As much as I wanted to deny it, I had missed having my Dad riding my back about everything I should be doing and everything I wasn't. I missed the Saturday morning breakfasts and his ability to keep a home, a home. Unlike me, I'd somehow managed to rip apart everything that mattered to me.

"I started looking up imprinting when you mentioned you had imprinted on Bella. It struck me as odd that you had actually imprinted her when it wasn't the first time you'd met, seen, or touched her," Billy spoke without question.

"And," I sat on his bed and bounced listening to the old squeaks of the springs below me giving in and out each time I did so.

"The imprint you share with Bella is quite unique. There isn't much information out there about it, so I had to approach the elders for books and tales of imprints. They were grateful enough to share without question, but I think they already know what has happened," Billy flipped the pages of an old leather bond book.

"Ok," I raised my eyebrows in question.

"You see, there's only one other story like yours. It's a very old story, but an intriguing one, non-the-less," Billy stopped on a single page and lifted his eyes to me.

My attention, however, turned toward the tugging in my chest and the pull coming from the hallway. The sweet strawberry scent hit my nose strong and hard causing my mouth to water and my body to stand all on its own. Dad looked at me as if I were crazy, but nodded his head when he heard the call of our names.

"Billy? Jacob? Dinner is ready," Bella appeared in the doorway to Billy's room just as I was approaching it.

"Hi," she smiled – her eyes twinkling with a familiar sparkle.

"Hi," I smiled down to her and gave her a quick, effortless kiss.

"Come eat," she closed her eyes and lowered her forehead to my chest. She breathed deepily in and out for a few seconds, before glancing back up to me with plump red lips and a rosey blush on her cheeks.

"Be there in just a minute." She turned softly and walked away.

My body began to ache to be next to her. Her sweetened scent lingered in my nose longer than it usually did. The thickness of her smell and the intense tug toward her was different. I wasn't sure what it was. Bella's hips seemed to be rounder and her ass swayed the further she got from me. And for a moment, I swear, her skin glistened in a soft golden dew. I blinked, but by the time I opened my eyes again, the glow was gone.

The creaking of Dad's wheelchair brought me back into my own brain. "Come back next week around the same time and we'll talk more about the imprint."

I was surprised by his invitation, but happy about it. "Alright. You got it old man," I clapped him on the back as he wheeled passed me. Coming up behind him, I grabbed the handles of his wheel chair and pushed. Surprisingly enough, Dad didn't object.

Sure, sure, I may not have helped him much over the past two years and I may have become more of an acquaintance than a son, but at this moment, I felt more like his son than I had since before Bella left.

Things were beginning to fall oddly in place. I was naturally a bit skeptical. Normally, when something went right, there were about a million other things that went wrong. So, I waited for that one negative thing to rear its ugly head. My life was never that simple. I didn't get things handed to me. Nothing in the life I had already lived had succeeded the way I wanted them to. Subsequently, I had grown accustomed to the pessimistic side of life.

I knew something bad was going to happen. I could feel it in my bones. I could hear it in the way the wind blew. I could see it in the air.

Dinner was great. Conversation didn't fall to the way side. Smiles lit up the dull talk between Billy and Charlie as they rambled on and on about their next fishing trip. They couldn't stop talking about how many bass they were going to catch, because the next trip involved their 'super secret' spot. Apparently, it was one that only Dad and Charlie knew about, or so that's what they wanted us to believe. I was sure that as many times as I had fished with Dad or Charlie that I'd come into contact with that 'secret' spot at least once.

Bella had been sitting across the table from me tentatively eating her rabbit food. She stifled laughs here and there to ensure us that she was in fact paying attention to a conversation that she didn't really care about. It was something she'd always done and something that I'd loved about her from the beginning. No matter how little she cared, she was always interested in what you were saying. It didn't matter if you were talking about the economy, religion, or pancakes, she still carried the conversation as far as she could. And when she wasn't involved, then she still listened – absorbing every last detail. Her fork stabbed at a slice of cucumber. As if she could feel my stare, she glanced up at me under a raised brow.

I smirked at her and rolled my eyes.

"No, no. Diane Ramey did not have want your hot bod!" Charlie corrected Billy's statement of some woman they'd gone to school with. "She wanted mine."

Bella shook her head and rolled her eyes in response.

Their conversation continued well after dinner as they washed dishes. Bella had packed up the left overs and was putting them away when I came back from the bathroom.

"Well, I hate to make it a night, but I have some things I need to take care of tomorrow," I shoved my hands in my pockets.

Bells turned toward me and smiled sweetly. She grabbed a container of food and nodded her head toward the door. "I'll walk you out."

Bella led the way. Following her seemed to become more and more taunting with the second. My eyes fell from her soft shoulders to the roundness of her hips as they swayed evilly to a silent beat. Her skin was again glowing like it had earlier with a golden glow emanating from it. This time, however, when I blinked it didn't disappear. Instead, the glow radiated in a halo around her.

I bit into my lip as I watched her hips sway all the way to the front porch. She stopped at the top of the steps and turned.

"Here," she handed the container of food to me.

I gripped the container and pulled roughly. Her balance faltered and she crashed against my chest just like I'd hoped it would.

"Mmmm," she whimpered into my chest and nestled her cheek against the cotton fabric of my t-shirt.

Tilting my head down, I buried my nose into the chestnut strands of her hair and inhaled a lung full of her sweetness causing my mouth to water.

"You smell good," I whispered and left a tender kiss where my nose had been.

"So do you," her response shocked me. She'd never really commented about how I smelled before, but I wasn't going to complain.

Her milk chocolate eyes lifted and stared into mine. Holding me captive in her gaze, Bella tilted her head to the side and bit into her plump bottom lip. Her cheeks flushed with a creamy blush that only made the growing excitement inside of me triple.

With a mind of their own, my hands grappled onto her hips tightly, and before I knew it, my lips were on hers. Her breathing caught. Bella's lips were frozen in place for a few seconds. I'm sure I'd taken her by surprise for the second time today. But, this kiss, it was different. It was lead on by something other than my raging werewolf hormones. This kiss was lead by the heart of Jake, the broken boy torn to pieces. He'd managed to push through all of the walls, to break down the barriers holding him back, and kiss Bella with every last bit of strength he had left.

Something inside of me began to fade. It may have been the walls I'd built. It may have been the security of the asshole I'd created to get by in life. I didn't know exactly what it was that faded, but it faded. It wasn't there anymore. The only thing left was raw emotion and the black crevice now burning out in my chest. Just as the burning loss began to leave my chest, Bella finally kissed me back – her lips unfreezing after what felt like hours.

One of her hands wrapped around my neck. The other found its way to my hair digging in and holding on as something inside of both of us unleashed. The chains that held us apart fell to the ground, and we were no longer held against our will. No, we were willingly a part of each other now. We were Jake and Bells… just like before.

I couldn't resist. Everything I'd wanted to say to her, everything I'd felt came out in this kiss. All of my fears all of my dreams, all of the pain crashed onto her lips. I was forceful, but gentle as my lips over powered hers and the distance my heart held closed. I couldn't get enough. I had to feel more, to taste more of her. So, I kept pushing. I kept touching – my hands slid around her waist and traveled to the small of her back where I pulled her toward me. Holding her against my body was tender and sweet. She was just as soft as I had remembered her being. Her lips pulled me even closer. Bella's arms squeezed onto me as if I were her lifeline for the rest of eternity.

My chest started to hurt. The pain there was significant enough for me to flinch. It hurt to kiss her. It hurt to hold her. It hurt to be in love with her again. The hurt scared me. If I felt the hurt, then I could feel anything that happened between us. That idea, scared me. It was frightening to know that I'd gotten myself in this deep with her again and was able to risk everything in my life for her… again.

I knew I'd never survive another one of her absences, but I couldn't lose her either. I couldn't be without her. No matter how much fear I held deep inside of me. She was the reason I was here, and for once, I was ok with that.

The need to see her beautiful eyes, so that she could see that it was me – that it was Jake, was strong and held a power over me that no one ever had before. Reluctantly, I pulled my lips from hers and opened my tearless eyes. Her lustful, loving, warm brown eyes stared at me with an intense hope – a hope I knew she didn't intentionally put there.

"Jake," she spoke into the wind causing the pain in my chest to escalate with every beat of my heart.

With a close of my eyes, and a simple nod of my head, I acknowledged the person inside of me for the first time in over 2 and a half years. Acting on that knowledge, I cupped both of her cheeks gently and left an untraceably loving kiss on her plump, swollen lips.

I rested my mouth against her forehead and kissed there to. I needed to kiss her, to touch her, to be in contact with every part of her right now. My eyes closed as a gust of wind brought her strawberry scent into my lungs.

Bella wrapped herself up in me. Her body was squeezed tightly to my own. She fell exactly where she was supposed to be. Her body curved tightly into the outline of mine as if we were made for each other – as if this had been the plan all along.

The rustling of the bushes next to the house tore my eyes open. I knew it wasn't a vampire by the lack of scent, but my body began to quake. Bella stepped back and turned toward the swaying noisy bush and turned back to me.

"Is it…"

I shook my head no.

"Expecting?"

"No," I answered and took a leap off of the porch steps.

Just as my feet hit the ground, Jared stumbled out of the greenery, buttoning his jean shorts. His face was ghost white. His hair disheveled. Fresh scratches were on the side of his cheek. An eerie feeling settled inside of me.

"Jake! Quil…" Jared gasped for air. He turned toward the woods and pointed toward La Push.

That's when I noticed the gashes down his back. Bella gasped as she saw what I saw knowing full and well that there was only one thing that would be able to leave a mark that deep.

"They've got him! Help him…help!" Jared's breath bubbled and wheezed.

"Jake," Bella screamed.

I turned toward her prepared to see the tears and the fear written across her face, but was surprised when all I saw was sheer determination.

"Go," she stated and ran down the steps toward Jared. She grabbed his arm and rested it across her shoulders.

"Bella, I can…" Jared wheezed - his breath never fully meeting his lungs.

"I got you. Jake, go. Don't wait for me. Don't do this. Just go. I'll take him back to the reservation,"

I nodded and darted to the trees leaving my clothes in random piles across her yard. I didn't have time to think of anyone else. I didn't have time to try to get help. All I could do was phase and run as fast and as hard as I could.

Hopefully, I'd reach Quil in time. Quil was a strong fighter – not as strong as the rest of us, but strong. He could hold himself off at least until I got there. He had to know that I was coming, but the silence in my head made my paws press harder into the ground.

I couldn't hear anything. It was silent. Completely silent. I was alone in my head.

Fuck. Quil.

I howled into the night air as I caught the sickeningly sweet scent of far more than one vampire. Hopefully, Jared was conscience enough to call for help once he was back to the reservation.

Hopefully.

* * *

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	25. The Sun

**Author's Note: **So, I know I said I was going to rewrite this, and I still may. However, here's the rest of the story. I couldn't leave the you guys hanging. Sorry it's taken so long to complete this. Maybe someday, I'll have the courage to rewrite it. Until then, thank you for reading.

* * *

All that had happened had happened to me. I'd survived. I'd promised myself that I wouldn't allow it to go that far again, but it had. I couldn't control it. I couldn't stop it. The moments that I'd been held down, trapped, unable to free myself from the perpetual vice grips of the blonde bitch were the most serene moments of my life. My mind, my heart, my soul aligned like the sun and moon during an eclipse. From behind the darkness appeared the sun. It was the sun that brought me to the side I'd been admiring from far away – the side that I was scared of.

Now, all I could think about, all that helped me fight for my life was the girl that had built me up, tore me down, and returned like she'd left something important behind. She'd forgotten me, and with her return came the words I'd thought I'd never get a chance to say: I told you so. I told you you'd miss me. I told you that you would regret it.

As much of a victory that would have been, I couldn't say it, because I wouldn't give in. I took back the things she'd given me. I'd taken back the only thing she didn't have control over and that was me, Jake. Jake was who fought for his life and ripped the limbs from the blonde bimbo with Bella's beautifully worried face blaring in my mind.

It was time. Time to get back to who I was, who we were. It was time that I remembered who I am, and where I came from. It was time for me to get what I wanted, and I'd take it and all of the bad luck that came with it. I'd take all of it, because I loved her more than life, more than air, more than the sun. I loved her more than the world. No longer did gravity hold me to the earth, she did.

My paws dug into the dirt ground of the forest. With every push, flashes of our past, of her face, of our future blurred my mind. Those images, those pictures, motivated my paws to dig deeper and push harder. I had to get back to her. I had to show her that I'd been waiting in the wings the entire time.

I was straight in a straight line running back to her.

Trees, rocks, and limbs tugged and pulled at the fur on my back. The sounds of limbs breaking echoed distantly in my ears. All I concentrated on was getting back to Bella. I had to get back to her.

'I'm coming back to you, Bella.' My mind rampant with thoughts screamed as I dodged a tall dead tree and barreled into the bushes just outback of the little shack I called a house. I could hear the mumbling of Sam and Jared. They weren't far away. They understood that Quil's death was obtrusive and wrong, but I'd done everything I could to help him. Being blindsided with only two of the pack out and about only showed how well the leeches were orchestrated. But still, I'd have to say it. I'd have to explain it to Billy, to Bella, to Old Quil, but I'd do it in a way that proved the strength of one of the most admirable men I'd ever had the chance to know.

Phasing back, my body rippled and cracked until I was in human form. Quickly, I pulled on a pair of shorts and ran as fast as two legs to could get me. Even as a human, I could feel the loss of Quil. It rattled in my bones.

Taking the two steps in one long stride, I jerked the door open.

Her hands were shaking. Tears dribbled past her cheeks and dripped one by one onto the floor. Bella was falling apart in front of the pack and Emily. All I could do was stare as the nights events played out in my mind. I hadn't expected them to be so tough, but I'd been caught off guard. They'd slid in under the radar. Though I could smell them, I couldn't see them through the thick tree tops they hid in as my senses led me to where Jared had left Quil.

My breath caught deep in my chest. When the fair haired one caught Quil by surprise and jumped on his back, I ran as fast and as hard as I could to try to catch him – to protect my best friend. But, I couldn't. By the time I got to him, his body lay in a puddle of his blood surrounded by a group of red eyed leeches. I snarled. I growled and lunged at the one closest to me. I wouldn't wait for the rest of the pack. They knew it. It was a bitter sweet glory when I ripped the blonde dumbass to shreds. Bitter sweet because I'd lost my best friend to a mistake I'd made.

As my teeth dug deep into the shoulder of the whore I'd found at my house a few months ago, I felt the snap of Embry, Paul, and Sam into my brain. They were heading this way. Paul would be eager to devour a few bloodsucking leeches, so he'd get here before the rest. I just had to hold them off for a few more minutes.

_Jacob, wait!_ Sam yelled through my mind, but I couldn't. His power never worked on me, the true alpha of the pack.

They'd just killed my best friend, my brother. He was gone. His body now transformed back to human. I trembled with anger. Every fiber of me shook – though I was already phased – I felt like my body was being ripped thread by thread as I lunged for another. But, that's where I lost it. That's where I messed up. I didn't notice or hear the red head drop from above behind me. Her cold stone like hands hit me with a force that crushed a few ribs. It was nothing I couldn't recover from.

My human hand ran across the bruised spot on my side. I flinched as the memory's evaded me. Bella had to know that I was only protecting her, so I lived each minute over. Her face stricken with fear, hate, and loss. She grieved the loss of Quil, because I did. Her sweet face seemed to only get paler as my feelings flowed into her along the string that connected us for eternity.

Bella ran her eyes over me memorizing every gash, scratch, bruise, and cut. I looked like someone who had just come back from war injured beyond recognition. Her pale hand shook as it rose to my bruised cheek. Gently, her fingers ran over the slice below my eye. I flinched slightly. I healed fast. It was part of being a werewolf, but it still hurt nonetheless.

"Jake," she blubbered. "Don't ever be so reckless again!" As if she could see what had happened through the connection we had with each other.

I nodded my head to assure her that I wouldn't. If there was one thing I learned tonight, it was that I couldn't be without her. No way, no how. She steadied her hand on my face and traced my bottom lip with her thumb skipping the gash there.

Emily cleared her voice. "Guys, let them be."

"We'll be over first thing in the morning, Jacob," Sam's voice was hoarse with loss. I gave them a wave of the hand and a nod, but didn't tear my eyes from Bella. Her hand still rested on my cheek like she was afraid I really wasn't here.

"Just… one more thing…," Sam spoke, "Thank you for doing everything. You were there when we couldn't be, when it would have taken the rest of us twice the time to get there. You are truly Alpha." Sam tipped his head toward me and I felt the power of control flow from him to myself again.

"Thank you, Sam." My voice whispered. My eyes never left Bella.

One by one, the guys said their goodbyes and left – all of them but one. And that was my fault. If we had trained more or if I hadn't been so concerned with being the cool Alpha, then Quil would have known what to do. He would have defended himself. I would have been more prepared. I could have been faster, stronger, meaner. I could have helped more. My chest heaved up and down as my body began to shake, but I wasn't going to phase. It wasn't like that. The shaking was from the loss of my best friend, my pack mate, my brother. And it was my fault.

I dropped to my knees as if everything hit me all at once. My body ached with loss. The corners of my eyes stung with tears. As quickly as the tears started to sting, they began to fall. Effortlessly, they left my body. If only I could bring him back. If only these tears would bring him back, then I'd cry for the rest of my life. If only…I hadn't been so preoccupied with everything else. Quil was a good kid. He was the greatest. A flash of him blared into my brain. It was a picture of his lifeless body lying on the floor of the forest in human form. His face oddly peaceful, but still full of fear.

My chest heaved. It was my fault. I grabbed Bells by the waist – afraid that I'd lose her too. My arms wrapped around her almost twice. Instinctively, her fingers wove into my hair and she shh'd me. I hadn't realized I was sobbing. I pressed my face into her stomach and tried to breathe.

"Jake," she whispered. "It's ok."

"No," I growled. "It's not. If…if I hadn't…If only I could have…I should have known, Bells."

"How could you have known, Jake?"

"I just should have," I mumbled into her stomach as the tears bled through the white fabric of her shirt.

"You couldn't have," she tried to lift my face away from her stomach, but I wouldn't let her. I couldn't let her go. If I let her go, then she could…I couldn't even think of that possibility. So, instead, she slid down my body and to her knees. She knelt in front of me caressing my face soothingly. Her eyes dripped with their own tears. I could feel her sadness and grief, but I could also feel the relief in her that it wasn't me. She tilted her head to the side and gently kissed my lips.

With one tiny kiss, the pain seemed to diminish a small amount. Her body pressed against me gently. I winced as her ribs poked into mine. An exhale separated our lips. Bella seemed to pale more – if that were even possible.

"Sorry," she tenderly brushed her hand across my cheek.

"S'ok," I breathed her in. This time my chest didn't ache so bad, but a wanting in my soul grew. I needed this. I needed to forgive her. I needed to let it all go.

"I forgive you." I whispered, allowing the hole in my heart to sew itself up. "Do you forgive me?"

Giant tears filled Bella's eyes. They rested at the brim of her lids, and as she nodded her head "yes", they dripped down her cheeks. "I do…"

Before she could finish her sentence, my lips melted onto hers. I could feel our souls merging together fully. Forgiveness flowed through both of our bodies like bolts of lightning. Imprint or not, Bella was who I was supposed to be with. She was the other half of me, and without her I had become someone else. I had become someone who no longer cared about his life, or the people in it. However, through Bella's strong will, I had become the man I was supposed to be, the man I should have been.

With new eyes, I watched Bella trace every muscle, every ridge, and every dip of my body with her tiny hands. As much as I didn't want to let myself think she had changed, I could see now that she had. Bella may have left as a confused, cold girl, but she had come back to me as a woman, who knew what she wanted. And, luckily, that was me. Edward was a distant thought to her. I would never replace him, but there would be no one else like me. Bella and I were soul mates. Nothing was stronger than that.

The thoughts and feelings running through my brain danced through hers as well. I could feel the ease in her heartbeat and I could see the relaxation of her muscles. Her skin tingled, as did my own. When she exhaled, my lungs expelled the air left in them, and when she closed her eyes, I could see the picture she was painting of the two of us wrapped in each other's arms, naked, and making passionate love to one and other.

"Jake." Bella softly spoke my name.

"Bells." I mirrored her tone and touched the side of her face.

"Make love to me." She whimpered and caved into my body.

Broken, beaten, and bruised, I lifted Bella up from the floor, carried her to our bedroom, and made passionate love to her.

Our bodies tangled up with the other blurring all lines of where one person started and the other person ended. My body ached and craved at the same time. Ever sensation she felt, I felt. By the way she moaned, I figured she felt exactly what I felt. It was a moment of sheer passion and nothing I had ever experienced before.

Every thrust I made was drawn out. Every withdrawal seemed to take hours, but time was nothing compared to the way she felt naked against my skin. My heart was mended, and the hole that she had left there 2 years ago was now filled by the imprint we shared.

Over the following months, Dad shared with us the meaning behind our imprint. Ancient stories told a tale of a future tribe chief falling in love with a paleface girl, who had befriended our immortal enemies. The paleface girl had seemed all but normal on the outside, but inside she was something completely different. She held the ability to block many mythical powers, including the mythical imprinting of the werewolves. The future chief had imprinted on the paleface girl, but she had chosen a different way of life. She girl became a leech. Although the future chief despised his immortal enemies, his love for the paleface girl was far more important to him. So, he had run off with the leeches to protect himself from the painful break of an imprint. Dad believed that Bella had those same powers, and that it wasn't until she learned to completely open herself up that we imprinted.

I didn't believe him until one day, I no longer felt the connection between the two of us. Scared that something had happened, I rushed home early from the trade school only to find Bella smiling. As I walked through the door, the same rush of feelings I had felt when our imprint completed hit me all over again. It was like I had seen her for the first time again.

Frequently, Bella tested her abilities to block the power of our imprint, but usually she let it be. She knew it worried me to the point that I turned into a rabid dog, literally. So, Bella steered clear of shutting off the imprint.

However, sometimes, she would shut if off for only a few moments just to feel that extra rush of love flow through her veins. Those times, I didn't mind. We had been through everything under the sun together, and for her to want to feel my love as fresh and as new as the first time I saw her on First Beach made me see exactly how much she loved me.

And for once in my life, I believed everything would be okay. I cherished every second, every minute, every hour of every day, because I finally saw what everyone else saw.

_I was her sun._


	26. Epilogue

The tiny black backpack with a large "Q" embroidered in the center sat next to the door caught my attention. A Spiderman figurine stuck out of the top. The zipper snuggly zipped around the toy securing it in place. Sitting next to the backpack was a bright yellow plastic lunchbox with stickers of various breeds of dogs plastered everywhere except the very center where a large Batman emblem peaked through. On top of the lunch box, written in neat motherly writing, were the initials "Q.A." and then a smudge of black next to it.

I sipped on the glass of orange juice in my hand and wondered what it was about super heroes that little boys loved so much. Even as a little boy, I had sat on the floor of the living room eating my cereal and watching X-Men wishing that someday I would be a real bonafide super hero. Little did I know then, that I would somehow become the super hero of our reservation. Instead of a sidekick, I had a pack of brothers that supported me through everything.

They were there for me when I had lost it all. They stood strong and waited as I foiled through woman after woman searching for what I had already found once. But, the pain inside of me never died down. It never wavered. It never once faded. Yet, here I stood, watching kids in my front yard play before they headed to camp. Their toys, bags, backpacks, all sat in my living room waiting to be stuffed in the trunk of a car and driven off to camp for the next 2 weeks.

I'd come so far. I'd been beaten and bruised, broken and confused. But, I survived and my heart…it was intact now. It was full of hope, freedom, and love. Once the pessimist turned optimist over night. But, I hadn't always been the pessimist just during those times and while…I tried to find my way back. And I had. I was back. Jacob Ephraim Black was back and ready to take on the world just like a super hero would.

A part of me secretly hoped that the little boy in the front yard with the chocolate brown eyes and deep black shaggy hair would see me as a super hero. I smirked at myself. Maybe…like Wolverine from X-Men.

Just as the thought entered my head, the little boy turned around and ran toward the front porch. I stepped out the screen door to meet him – a silent hope inside of me that he'd never have to go through the pain, the anguish that I had been through.

"I'm thirsty!" his tiny hand ran over his forehead, wiping the sweat away.

"What do ya want," I asked dipping on my knees to meet him face to face.

I'd learned over the years that meeting a child – any child – face to face made them feel a little more important, like their opinion mattered. That's how my mom used to talk to me, eye level and straight on. Never once did I feel like she towered over me with orders and dictatorship.

His perfect smile spread across his thick lips. "What's that?" His dirt covered finger pointed to my glass of orange juice. "Can I have a drink of that?"

"Of course you can, buddy," I laughed and handed him the half full glass of orange juice and stood back up.

Six years ago, I would have punched someone in the stomach if they told me that I would have all of this. That my life would work out and the pain was only temporary. I couldn't see past the red, past the ache, past the dark crevice in my chest. Automatically, my fingers ran across the left side of my chest as a faint memory sprung in my mind. That memory caused a mirage of pictures to float across my mind. The last one…the very last one…jerked my body with a familiar ache. The blood bath. The death. The broken pack. What had happened had been my fault no matter how many times they told me it wasn't. I knew it was. There was nothing I could do to change it. Quil would never believe this.

The slurping boy jerked on the leg of my jeans. Kneeling down to his eye level, I smiled at the familiar face reflecting back at me with an orange juice mustache. A chuckle escaped me. With my thumbs, I wiped away the orange juice from his upper lip. He reached the cup back to me and smiled.

"What do you say?"

"Thanks!"

"Do you want more?"

The boy shook his head with a goofy smile and wrapped his arms around my neck. The hug took me by surprised but was welcomed. I'd miss the little guy even if he was only gone for a week.

The screen door shut loudly and a huff broke the silence.

"Q, it's time to go."

"Aw, MOOOOMMM!" he whined. His arms were still wrapped tightly around my neck.

"Listen to your Mother," I whispered kissing the top of his head.

"Boys don't kiss boys!"

I chuckled at his response. I had taught him that. No harm done.

"Q. Listen, you be good at camp ok?"

"Alright."

"And listen to your Mom on the way there." I smirked when he shoved his hands in his pockets and shuffled his feet. He nodded his head and dropped his eyes to the ground.

A hand rested on my shoulder and squeezed. Bella knew this was hard for me to do. Not once in his 5 years had I been away from him for more than a day or two. This was an entire week, but I didn't let the concern show. I knew that if I needed to, I could faze and run the half hour to the camp and see him. Just to make sure he was ok.

"I'll miss you," Q sniffed back.

"I'll miss you too, bud. And listen, if you ever need me, you just blow this, alright?" From my pocket, I pulled a dog whistle. It was a gift from Bella on my 21st birthday. A bad joke, but hey, it came in handy in situations like this. Not that I had ever been in a situation like this. I had secured the whistle on a thin piece of leather. Quickly, I tied it around his bare neck and grabbed his chin with my thumb and forefinger.

"Here. Can you put his shirt on him while I grab the keys?"

"Mom, is that my good shirt? I hope it is. I want to make sure I have my good shirt on that way the girls will like me." Q grabbed the shirt from my shoulder and looked it over. "Do you think they'll make mud pies with me?"

I laughed breathily as those memories flooded back in my brain. A soft giggle came from the living room. I nodded my head. "Sure, they will."

"Mom! This is the wrong shirt! I want the one with the wolf on it!"

"Q. You already packed that shirt. Just wear that one."

I raised an eyebrow at him with a stern face. "Wear this one to camp. You can wear the wolf one on the night of the dance, ok?" I took the shirt from Q's hand and helped him put it on.

"But…but…" He whined.

"No whining."

"Alright, but, I really like the wolf shirt."

"I know you do. Wear it on a special occasion."

"Special occazun?"

"Yup. Like the dance. You'll get all the chicks that way." I winked at him and stood up.

"Jacob, do not teach him that!"

"Yes, mom!" I laughed only to be greeted with a bump of the shoulder.

"Alright, let's head out Q."

"Bye!" he waved and took off toward the car.

"Thanks." Bella whispered leaning forward and pecking me on the cheek. Her rounded belly made it hard for a hug. I placed both of my hands on her growing belly and smiled as a small nudge pelted my hand.

"Be careful." I whispered returning the kiss to her sweetly and hugging her from behind.

"Will do."

"You have precious cargo, ya know?" I playfully stated, although I was serious as a heart attack.

"I know." Her eyes glowed as they drifted over me.

Turning toward the screen door, I noticed the bright yellow lunch box nestled snug against the wall. I grabbed it and quickly turned back to find everyone inside of the car. I held the lunch box up and yelled, "Q! Lunchbox."

Q darted out of the car door and ran bare footed across the muddy grass. He jumped up the two steps onto the front porch and reached for it.

I stooped down and held the dog covered lunch box out to Q so that he could grab it by the handle.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome." I patted him on the head and stood up turning toward the door.

"Wait." He tugged my jeans again, and I quickly stood at his level again.

"Yeah, bud."

"You know why I have all these dog stickers on my lunch box?" Q looked over each of the stickers attentively. His eyes never left the confines of his dog covered Batman lunchbox.

"No, why?" I watched him stare at the dogs.

"'Cause when I grow up, I'm gonna be a wolf!" He snarled his teeth at me and growled a hollow growl.

I nearly fell back on my ass as I laughed whole heartedly at the little boy who knew way too much about his future already.

"You can be whatever you wanna be, bud, but right now if you don't get in that car and go to camp, Mom is probably gonna whip both of us."

Q tilted his head to the side and smiled. "That would be funny!"

The way he held his head sent a shockwave of memories through me. I remembered that look. Q looked a lot like Quil, especially with his head tilted like that. It had been six years since we lost Quil. Seth and Leah Clearwater had joined the pack not too many days after Quil's death. It was our ancestor's way of assuring our survival. For that I was grateful, because one year to the day of Quil's death, Bella gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, who we thoughtfully named Quil Aterra Black. We called him "Q" for short, and out of respect for the true Quil Aterra, whose body was peacefully laid to rest not on ancient spiritual grounds deep in the woods.

A part of me, though, saw the same twinkle in Q's eyes as Quil had in his when he was about to pull off some mischievous prank. Every so often, Q would say things, things that he shouldn't know about at the tender age of five. Those thoughts only led me to believe that somehow Q's soul was a reincarnation of Quil. The only proof I had was in my old, bruised, and beaten heart.

Someday I would tell my son all about Quil, but he was a little too young for those types of stories now. Maybe then, I would find out the truth behind my son's soul. Until then, I'd have to be sure that I protected him in ways I never protected my best friend, my brother.

I reached out and wrapped Q up in a giant bear hug. "Love you kid." I said into his ear and kissed the side of his head.

"Love you too, Dad. Can I go now?" Q, somehow, had become bored with staring at his lunchbox. I nodded, and sent him on his way.

Q had made it half way to the car when he turned back. His tiny face scrunched up, and he nodded his head as if someone had told him something. "Hey Dad."

"Yeah, bud." I answered.

"Uncle Quil is happy you finally forgave Mom."

"What?" I was stricken back with confusion. Bella and I hadn't fought since, well, since she had come back all those years ago. "What are you talking about, son?"

"You know, when Mom left and came back. Uncle Quil is happy you forgave her. You were always who she was supposed to be with." Q, my five year old son, spoke of a time when he hadn't quite been thought of. Just before he turned around to go, Q smiled this bright, toothy grin that I swear had Quil written all over it.

At that moment, I realized everything that had happened between Bells and me had happened the way it was supposed to. And, if Quil were here right now, he'd be taunting me with his loud and annoying "I Told You So's".


End file.
